I have reached a point where I need to write in order to move forward in my life. I have tried to keep my thoughts private. I have gone through my entire life keeping private journals, and periodically have branched out. Now, I need to branch out once again.
I am a positive person. Bad things in life do happen...just 8 years ago I sat with my siblings as we helped, make the choice for, our comatose step-father to be taken off life support. He had suffered an aneurysm while dealing with west nile. He was treated with antibiotics just after his first test for west nile, so his results were inconclusive according to the CDC. To test positive meant two tests back to back testing positive, without antibiotics to help. Regardless, four weeks later, while still in a comma and having a temperature then entire time of 104 degrees plus, my siblings and I sat with him in a very small hospital room. It was the middle of October, 2008. That event alone would have been enough to suffer through.
But that event happened five months into another life changing event for us. Our mother had stage 4 brain cancer. GBM. Glioblastoma Multiforme. My mom's GBM was the reason I started blogging. Hopefully I helped others who were searching the web for info on what to expect. I had done that and found little information to grasp hold of. My step-father died 31 days before my mom.
Rinse and repeat. Except mom was allowed to pass over at home.
Pretty crappy stuff for a positive person to live through. But, I did it with my siblings by my side. I did it surrounded by family, and friends at home (where my mom was). I did it with the support at my own home; my husband and children, and friends back here. Nourishment was all around me.
Over the next year, my husband and I would move into a bigger house with our two growing teens. We moved right next door to his parents, next to his childhood home. His parents were starting to age, and we wanted to be there for them when the time came. About three years ago my father-in-law started his rapid health decline, and passed away. Little did I realize change in my personal life was on the horizon.
In December of 2012, I started contemplating life with an empty nest. Our baby would be graduating from high school in May. It was time for me to fully enter back into the work force. To do so, I decided to go back to graduate school. I wanted to earn my masters in Elementary Education, become licensed and have my own classroom. (Side note: I have been working part-time for the past 13 years as a reading teacher. I have not been sitting around eating bon-bons.)
Long story short, I worked my butt off and was accepted into graduate school. Somewhere along the line of life, my husband decided he wasn't attracted to me any more. He has told me so at least a half a dozen times over the past year. He has said I've never been the person he's wanted. I haven't supported him. I don't keep the house clean enough for him. Living with me is hurting his health.
wow. Emotionally I am spent. I have been verbally abused behind closed doors for 27 years. I have felt my role as a loving wife was to make everything perfect in our household for my hard-working husband. He really is hard-working. He really is successful at whatever he puts his mind to. I am puzzled as to why I have thought so highly of him for all these years though. Nothing has ever been good enough for him.
Divorce is in my future. I never thought my life would play out this way. My husband has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He has "dismissed" me. Literally, I do not exist to him.
The more I type, the more I delete. So much to say, so little I want out for all to read. I feel scarred. Life has been challenging. I long to be loved and respected. I long to share time with someone. I did not expect this.
If you ask me in person what my husband said to me on Mother's Day 2013 while we laid in bed together, you'd understand the level of his verbal abuse and why exactly I needed to go, alone, to the Grand Canyon last summer. I have been in therapy for over a year. I was told I could continue to believe the things he tells me or I could go out into the world and discover what the world really thinks of me.
I'm glad I ventured out. Life is hard, but I can still smile...most of the time. I am guilty of loving. This is his problem, not mine. At the end of November I will officially be finished with my student teaching. Just a few more hurdles to jump! Three of my five licensing exams are under my belt. My thesis paper research is finished, I just need to write it.
I will be reaching my dreams of being a classroom teacher by the end of the year. I hope to have full time employment doing what I love shortly after that. I am not the first person in the world to go through a divorce. I know I can, and will survive and shine once more.
My Hootie blog will become active again as my time allows. The joys I experience in life need a place to reach others! Until then, I do have a teaching blog. Visit me there too, if you'd like: It Takes a Village to Raise a Teacher.
With Katy Perry! Okay, yes, it is just a cardboard cut out.
Life is short. Family is precious. Our faith gives us the courage to grow and love.