It's been awhile...

It has been too long. I miss writing, and posting, although I feel I may have less interesting things to say these days. That's okay. I have healed from a divorce where I was married for 28 years. That was a lot. I did not understand what happened that caused the end of my marriage. I know we weren't perfect, but I thought we'd be together forever. Now I can look at the past and feel grateful that I am independent. Life is good. Maybe it's time for Hootie to rise up and let her thoughts spill out. It's been too long, indeed. Note to self: You need to refresh this home page if you really are going to start writing again.

 Dear Readers, 

It's been so many years since I've written on here.  I am still an open book, but somehow I don't always need to be so visible.  

I think I'd like to take up writing again.  

I am no longer that same person who was Hootie.  I

 have grown 

and matured 

and healed 

and it feels great.  

I miss writing and sharing my thoughts into the ether.  

January 1st is coming.  Maybe that will be my resolution.  

I'll likely write soon one of my other spaces, stay tune! 

Lisa 

Blooming Elsewhere...

Dear Readers,

Thank you for following me.

I have written as Hootie for so long, and I have experienced so much. I am no longer the same person I once was and my writing reflects that.  

I have recently discovered a book of poems, whose author's words have touched my soul.

I leave you, as Hootie, with her words:

this is the recipe of life

said my mother

as she held me in her arms as i wept

think of those flowers you plant

in the garden each year

they will teach you

that people too

must wilt

fall

root

rise

in order to bloom

~rupi kaur

Wise readers and friends will find my new blog.

Yours fondly, 

~Lisa Kroll

A Summer Without....

At the beginning of summer, I made a decision.  

No dating apps.

I had found myself checking my phone way too much for a validation that wasn't happening. My self worth was starting to tank, and I realized I was putting too much pressure on myself. I had been thinking, What is wrong with me?  Why doesn't anyone want to date me?  Why aren't people I am interested in on line interested in me?  So, I gave myself permission to stop that crap. I wasn't going to pay for stressing myself out any more. If I am meant to meet someone, or be with someone...it will happen.

My thoughts are that one day, one of my friends might think of someone who would be a fun match for me.  Or maybe one of my students will have a single, my-age, grandfather.  Then, if that person and I are meant to be together, it will happen.  I know one can't predict or control attraction. When I meet the right person, we will hang out, do things people who want to get to know one another do, talk and either click, or not.

To combat the lonely moments I felt, I filled my time with things I like to do: self care things. I read, wrote, cleaned out old papers, de-cluttered my computer, worked on house projects, or things for my classroom. I put together puzzles and baked MY favorite cookies. I was also spontaneous with my girl friends. I found that whole 'if you build it, they will come' thing works! If I wanted companionship, I just needed to ask. 

One beautiful weathered night, I just wanted to sit out back on my deck, and drink wine with friends. So I made it happen. Another time, a friend from school and I planned a Ladies Game Night, and we played Cards Against Humanity. I must admit, it was the most polite game of CAH I've ever played. I think we needed more alcohol, or maybe a different, cleaner game for the crew invited. One night, I took Toby to an outdoor concert, figuring the worse thing that could happen is I'd be asked to leave if dogs weren't allowed. Another night I called a theatre in a nearby town and inquired if tickets were still available for that night's performance. I just had enough time to get there...so I went. I ended up sitting in the front row. Spur of the moment live theatre! I binge watched shows until the wee hours of the morning. I laughed out loud at stupid, funny movies that I've always wanted to see. I allowed myself to fall asleep, and spend the entire night on the couch, too. I didn't even brush my teeth that night.  Such a rebel! 

In the end, it was still a hard summer. I still had low moments, and I still worry I'll be alone forever. My sister reminds me often that as humans, we aren't meant to be alone. I am grateful for my summer break to be over. I am happy to be back into the chaos of my classroom. 

I am trying to have faith that my someone is still out there.  

Maybe he's working on healing himself, just as I am.

~Lisa Kroll, 
     simple wonder woman, creator of my own happiness, lover of life, and human being

---------- Listening to  Rachel Platten, Fight Song; Family of the Year, Hero; Ruth B, Lost Boy; and my Instrumental Playlist...songs by The Piano Guys and Simply Three.  

Toby versus Peppé le Pew

When Toby goes outside, he has a happy saunter that he hadn't had when I first brought him home in December.  I commented on this to a friend, and they confirmed my observation.  It's amazing what love can do for an animal.  Together, Toby and I make a happy team,  I love watching him when he's outside, as he patrols his yard.  

A few weeks ago, I heard Toby going crazy inside, at the back window.  Something was outside, and he wanted whatever it was. I looked and saw a skunk underneath my bird feeders, eating fallen seed. Needless to say, Toby was not allowed outside.  I snuck out of the house through another door, and shooed our new friend away.  THEN, I let Toby out.  Knowing now that I had a skunk, I was on high alert and cautious whenever I let Toby out.  A few times, I did have to clap my hands and talk loudly to make Peppé leave the yard.  

Last night, I thought Toby wasn't feeling well.  It was 11:30 pm, I had just taken him out front and we were headed to bed, when he ran downstairs and was whining at the door.  I followed him down, looked before I opened the door, let him out and then...OH, CRUMBS!!!!!  The skunk WAS out back.  

I was yelling like a crazy woman, "TOBY!  NO!!!!"  Over and over!  I was hoping my hunter's instinct to listen to me was stronger than his instinct to get the skunk.  I knew better, but I hoped.  

Toby is very fast and he kept charging the skunk. He was barring his teeth and barking like a mad hunter at the skunk's face. The skunk was maybe a little confused by the crazy lady shouting and the fast, very large and loud dog protecting his yard, that he struggled to turn his backside towards Toby.  

As he tried to run to under my deck, which has wire almost completely to the ground to keep my dog from escaping, Toby was right by his side.  Peppé did wiggle under the deck, and then he sprayed. He didn't get Toby.  What a lucky dog.  

I have all the supplies I need to wash a skunk tagged dog: baking soda, peroxide and Dawn dish soap.  Unused, they are spending another day sitting in my cleaning supply closet.  

I am sure Toby may not be so lucky the next time.  Hopefully, THIS skunk has learned his lesson. 

Last night, my happy dog did not need a bath, 

and he slept snuggled on top of my bed.  

Just like every night.  

~Lisa Kroll
     Guardian of Toby, the luckiest dog of The Burrow

Feeling Grounded

My mind seems to have settled down over these past few years.
I am grateful.

It once raced to the point that I thought my head was going to explode, or maybe I was going crazy. The emotions inside me were frantically all wanting to be heard at once. My head would pound. My eyes struggled to focus as the pain behind them made me simply want to shut my eyes and tune out the World. Sometimes, I would physically feel my body clench up as my fists pulled inward, towards my racing heart. My arms would close in as well. Instinctively, I'd collapse into a fetal like position, even if I was standing. My body was trying to close off all external stimuli.

Overload.  Capacity full.

Deep breath.

Talk therapy helped.

I wasn't going crazy.
Life was changing, and I wasn't insane.
I was very normal.
Our bodies are amazing, and mine sensed the high stress levels; it was trying to protect me in the best way it could.

I needed to learn to be in the moment.
I needed to learn to be mindful.

Breathe.
Inhale deeply through my nose.
Hold that breath, and focus on taking it deep down into my lungs.
Feel it.
Exhale through my mouth, loudly, making sure all air is expelled, but note the sound of the rushing air as it goes over my teeth and through my lips.  Feel my stress dissipating into space, leaving me cleansed.  No longer is the stress inside me.  When I am mindful, I am very aware of all around me, and of my own being. In the moment, I am here. I am fine.

Rational thoughts slowly permeated the chaos inside my head.

You are fine, I'd tell myself.
You are strong.
You can do this.
You are going to be all right.
You are going to be better than all right.
You will survive (cue Gloria Gaynor, huh?)

I look in the mirror, and tell my reflection,
You are perfect.
You have everything you need.
You are enough.  You are blessed.  

Let's be honest, we live in a harsh world.  We need to practice self care, and that means nourishing our own souls. We need to start by being positive, and loving ourselves.  It truly is the only way we can completely love others.

*****

My morning routine after I wake up, is to take Toby downstairs, let him out back, and wait inside for him to do his business.  A few days ago, if my neighbors were watching, they might have witnessed something different, and personal.

I walked into the middle of my backyard as Toby went out, and I inhaled deeply.  The sounds of the birds singing in the trees filled my ears.  The smell of the fresh mowed grass filled my nose.  The sparkle of the sun peeking through the green leaves, reflecting the morning dew touched my eyes, and the warmth of the Earth nuzzled my bare feet.  I drank in the moment and allowed it to linger on and in me for over five minutes.  I just stood in my backyard, breathing deeply.  My heart filled with joy and I felt something come alive inside me.  I realized I was feeling grounded.  Literally, the Earth was claiming me as hers.  The beauty of those moments were filling my soul.

I am strong.

I am better than all right.

I am living as I am meant to be living.

I have everything I need.  I am blessed.  

                     ~Lisa Kroll
                            grounded, happy, perfect

Grand Memories...

Social media reminded me yesterday morning, just five short years ago I was standing on the rim of the Grand Canyon. What a transforming trip. What a wonderful memory. At the time, I had no idea how much that trip was preparing me for my future.

Five years ago, I was alone in my travels. I called it my walkabout, and it was. I was forced to only think of myself for twelve days. What did I want to do each day? What did I want to see? Where did I want to go? What did I want to eat? So many years of being a caregiver, maid, cook, chauffeur, etc needed to be set aside for once. Being a wife and a mother were the only roles I really knew. I had truly forgotten who I was at my core. I was forced to be silent. No conversations. No one else to think about. I needed to learn to be okay with the quiet. When one is alone, to whom do they have to talk?  I ended up listening to others...eavesdropping. I observed people. I watched interactions. I started to hear something that I hadn't heard before. It was my inner voice starting to talk.

Today, when I look in the mirror, I don't see that same person who traveled alone five years ago. I have changed. Layers of my soul have peeled away. I have become a much better version of myself.  I have been upgraded, so to speak. I feel I have always been a confident person, but the past few years have made me even more so. It is still hard to enter some places all alone in my home town. Shopping alone is easy, but a simple thing like dining out is more of a challenge. Who wants to go out to eat all by herself? I certainly won't go for a drink alone either!

This person who is me now...I like her. I am independent and happier. I feel more secure in who I am, in what I'll accept, and in what I like. I speak my mind, and care less about other's opinions. Concerning me, I mean.  I still like to hear others opinions on life, and have deep conversations!

I am grateful for the growth I have experienced. 
I am ready for my next adventure. 
I think it's about time I start planning that next Grand Memory.  

~Lisa Kroll
     still spreading love, understanding, positivity