Growing a Passion

Independence is what Habitat is all about.  The first time I volunteered to help build a house, my mom had recently died.  I built in her honor, and I built on Saturday of Mother's Day weekend. The house I worked on was to be for a single mom and her three children. My mom raised me to think of others, and I felt like I was doing something good in her memory. It felt wonderful to help someone else when I felt that I had so much in life. I had to ask people to donate to my cause, and that was really the biggest challenge for me. I don't like to ask anyone for anything. My parents were very giving souls.  Both worked full-time, AND volunteered in our community as a volunteer fire fighter and an EMT-A, respectively. When I was married, I was made to feel weak if I had to ask for help. So I did whatever I needed to do, to NOT ask for help. Ever.  

In my past life, I was a "super" mom, and "super" wife. 

I stayed at home and ran my household. I worked part-time, but spent the rest of my time figuring out the logistics of dinner menus, chauffeuring duties, house keeping, flower gardening, play dates, birthdays and doing all those things a good wife does to make her husband shine.  Even as I lead a Girl Scout troop, I struggled to ask co-leaders to do anything.  I did not want to appear weak. I could do everything, and I could do it all.  

When I volunteered to build on my second Habitat Women Build, my life was changing.  I had lost my "super" status and was feeling pathetic.  A friend had asked me a year before if I would build with her.  At that time, I was in graduate school and told her to ask me the next year, because I literally didn't have the time.  Thankfully, she remembered, and she did asked me again.  When we went to the call out meeting, I saw so many familiar faces. I found a supportive community that only asked me to give what I was able of myself. No more, no less.  I was drawn to be a part of this greater good.  It was simple to say yes, and to do something for someone else. I was happy to have a new purpose, and something to look forward to doing with others. It was still hard knowing I was going to need to ask for money, but I sucked it up. I asked my relatives.  They quickly put me over my $250 required to build dollar amount.  I thought, 'Wow. That was easy and painless.' 

My build day came.  We were working in a brand new neighborhood, on the very first two houses to go up. I was witness to a new beginning.  I had one of the future owners and her husband up working with me.  That was my first time up on a roof.  It was invigorating!!! The hardest part was transferring from the ladder to the roof and vice versa.  I have learned how to walk on a roof, how to properly cut and lay singles, and how to communicate with new people while speaking a new coded language.  I had a few friends up with me, but most of the people on the team were not people I knew personally.  Trusting others and working together, such great gifts I was receiving.  

*****

The following January, I quickly jumped at building again. I saw the home owners I had built for the year before.  Witnessing the smiles on their faces and hearing them talk about how wonderful it was to own their house made my heart smile.  I didn't need them to know who I was.  I just needed to know I made a difference.  Here was my proof.  Stories of their new place were easy to hear.  Asking for donations for a cause I felt so strongly about made this year's requests a little easier.  I expanded my donor base and ask friends.  With just a little more effort, I was close to earning a pink tool belt, which I really, really wanted.  So I pushed a little harder. That tool belt was going to be nice to have!  

On build day, I again found myself on the roof and working online side the future, and current neighborhood owners. Getting to know someone I was helping felt so good.  I was helping make a difference.  The take away for me was that I was helping better my own community.  As I was working together with others, I was growing, and so were they.  

Additionally, that spring a former student of mine became a Habitat family.  Future Habitat homeowners are selected based on three basic criteria:  1) their need for housing 2) their ability to repay an affordable mortgage and 3) their willingness to partner with Habitat by earning 250 hours of “sweat equity” or volunteer time.*  They must also take classes on home ownership, and simple repairs. The support network Habitat creates in doing all this is such a gift in it's own right. Habitat families are asked to speak in front of others and tell their stories. They inspire.  

When I signed up to build the next year, I realized that I had actually raised $1000 by simply asking the year before; more than enough to get that pink tool belt.  I raised my goal to $1000 and decided to give even more of myself.  I joined a group called S.H.E. -  Society for Habitat Empowerment.  I have agreed to raise $1000 a year for five years.  This year marked my third year in my fundraising efforts as a member of S.H.E.  

I am forever grateful to those friends and family who support my cause.  I am forever grateful to Habitat for allowing me the opportunity to help build a house for someone else in my community.  I am bonded with the knowledge that if I can help make a difference in my community, others can as well.  

We just need to choose to spread positivity, understanding and love.  

~Lisa Kroll

     volunteer, wonder woman, independent soul who is still learning to ask for help and knows she is not weak for doing so...just smart

*from the Habitat For Humanity of Monroe County Web Site. Click Here for more details. 

Words to Build By... Habitat Women Build, Day 7, 2018

I was asked to give the devotion, or words of wisdom, before a Habitat Women Build day.  

Here's what I had to say... 

"Independence is an amazing gift to receive.  But I have found, it an even more amazing gift to see, and be witness to.  

'I spend a fair amount of my time each day trying to build community and independence within my classroom.  There are skills my students need to learn, and tests that I am required to give, but I know the bottom line is that the group of students whom I am molding at any given time, will, with a little bit of luck, have 11 more years of school together.  

'I figure I'm really laying the foundation of their people skills.  Learning to work together and solve problems is what life is really all about. 

'I  like to think of myself a little bit like Wonder Woman.  Not as a hero, but as someone who is a little bit mysterious, someone who has a past that has shaped them, someone who is strong, and someone who can accomplish anything when they focus their mind on it.  I find that’s how I live my life these days really.  

'I am old enough to know, we all experience adversity at some point in our lives.  And because of those experiences, we can look at the rainbows and flowers and the butterflies in the world and see their colors a little more deeply.  We become more compassionate and understanding. One of life lessons we must learn is to ask for help.  And when we do this, not only do we become richer by admitting we are human, but those we ask become richer as well.  For in being asked to help someone, we feel valued.  And truthfully, isn’t that what we all want is to add value to the world?  

'So today, I ask that the powers above,  help us to share our mysteries, embrace our pasts, give us the strength we need to focus on and accomplish today’s tasks.  

'When we work together, we grow together.  

'Thank you all for sharing today with me."  

 -----
Our day, in pictures.

May 5, 2018 - 7:30 a.m.
Bloomington, Indiana

new shirt, old hat and tool belt

two houses to roof, my fifth time to build

instructions on the roof

selfie time! 

when in Indiana...Indiana Jones time

part of our team working on the ground

...and we are off!

morning picture of both roofs under way

first build, first cut,
first time on the roof, strong lady

power tools

our chef, taking orders

team work

my work area

roof one almost done!

my tools, and roof two almost done!

6:00 p.m.

                                                            ~Lisa Kroll
                                                                    wonder woman, lower case W's

---------notes---------

Independence: The state or quality of being independent; freedom from dependence; exemption from reliance on, or control by others; self- subsistence or maintenance; direction of one's own affairs without interference.

Habitat for Humanity: Women Build
information and my web page: click here

Be You

Found on the curb at Barnes and Nobel

It was written on a stone.  Be You.

Self discovery.  

It is interesting to have a chance in life to do this.  I grew up thinking one needed to be married by a certain age, and was young by today's standards when I was wed at the age of 22.  Today's young adults take time to discover what makes up their being.  Most people my age have someone else they need to think about: a spouse, a significant other, children, parents.  I am free from those responsibilities.  My parents and grandparents are deceased.  I have children, but they are young adults and I can truly only offer my words of wisdom, should they even ask me for advice. I am living in a period of my life where I am allowed to discover, or re-discover, what it is that makes up me.  I get to just be my self, all alone, making discoveries. 

So what makes me, me?  

While volunteering to answer phones last month at the local National Public Radio station's fund drive, I took a character strengths inventory test along side the other volunteers.  The Producer of On-Air Fundraising was our volunteer contact for the night and she thought it would be interesting to see our top and bottom five strengths. She wanted to compare all of us and see if, because we all listen and volunteered, we had the same characteristics.  Here's a link to the test:  VIA Character Strength survey.  One hundred and twenty questions later, and our top 24 character strengths were gathered. 

After taking the questionnaire, I felt slightly less encouraged about myself.  It wasn't because of my top five strengths.  It was because at the very bottom of my list was LOVE.  That's right, my number 24 of 24.    

Love...defined as: valuing close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing and caring are reciprocated, being close to people.  

I know I have come far over the past few years, but apparently my subconscious, emotional state is still damaged. I wonder if I'll ever truly heal and that alarms me.  Am I capable of loving others?  What if I am unable?  I do feel I'm becoming more skeptical of relationships.  I look at others, and I think to myself, are they living a lie too?  Maybe all relationships are based on lies and I don't play that game.  What is really going on in their story? Then I remind myself that it's possible they have never experienced the depth of deception, or emotional abuse that made up my relationship.  I wonder, what does real love feel like? What is it like to share everything with someone and have them love you because of that?  It's funny, I feel there are souls in this world who could love me, but also wonder, if they really knew me, would they stay or would they go too?  Rational Me thinks, it doesn't matter, because they aren't with you.  I feel like I'm missing that little something that would make someone else want to stay by my side, no matter what. I am someone who doesn't have a soul mate in this universe. I guard my heart from anyone else who might want to get too close; even my friends.  I can't handle being hurt again.  For my armor to be pieced, it will take an arrow made of Graphene.  Again, Rational Me, knows that I will likely outlive my two cats, so one day I will feel heart ache again.  I am comforted in knowing that my cats won't leave or discard me. Just like my sister and my kids, they love me unconditionally.  Blood links and pets, I have discovered...come back to me.    

Toulouse and Berlioz

Recently, I have been feeling I need a dog back in my life.  I do miss W because he made me get out and I felt I was with someone even though he was a dog. We would do things...like just walk in the woods, or run errands.  I can do things by myself, but it's lonely at times, and my kitties can't go out with me. My recent very late hours at school have made me realize maybe I'm not quite ready for a dog.  I rationalize that if I have a dog, I will have to go home. I have been approved by  a rescue, and should the perfect-for-me-dog need a home...I am open to that addition in my life.  Until then, I am happy to have my two other boys.  I often find them both on my bed acting like I'm disturbing their secret slumber and grooming spot.  Good thing I don't mind cat hairs!  I think these two would love a doggie playmate to chase around the house.  I know that I can love, and I do have love to share.  I am blessed to have a house where animals can be nurtured.  I am an animal lover.  That is part of whom I am.  Another discovery of being me.

Going back to my character strengths, my top five are: Judgment, Social Intelligence, Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence, Fairness, and Honesty.

1. Judgment:  The ability to think things through and examine them from all sides.  Not jumping to conclusions, weighing all evidence fairly and being able to change ones mind in light of evidence.

     This was my number one.  I am compassionate. I do realize there is more to a person or situation than what may meet the eye.

2. Social Intelligence:  Being aware of the motives/feelings of others and oneself.  Knowing what to do to fit into different social situations, knowing what makes other people tick.

     I have spent my lifetime figuring out how to make everyone happy all at the same time, so I wasn't shocked to see this so high up on my list.  I have only recently been practicing mindfulness to learn to be aware of my own feelings, too.  

3. Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence:  Noticing and appreciating beauty, excellence and or skilled performance in various domains of life, from nature to art to mathematics to science to everyday experiences.

     Spot on.

4. Fairness:  Treating all people the same according to notions of fairness and justice not letting feelings bias decisions about others; giving everyone a fair chance.

     I am a people person, and a teacher.

5. Honesty: Speaking the truth but more broadly presenting oneself in a genuine way and acting in a sincere way, being without pretense; taking responsibility for one's feelings and actions.

     Trying to just be me.


I am not sure how the results ended for the group of volunteers.  Honestly, I was embarrassed that LOVE was my number 24.  I was so shocked that I couldn't think about anything else at that moment.  I was sure this group of people, was looking at me and thinking, well of course she isn't good at love.  She's divorced.  Reflecting today, I wonder what was their number 24?  Maybe they were just as upset with what landed in their last position on the character graph.  I also know that it didn't matter who I was with, the emotions I felt would have been the same...embarrassment, feeling my results said I can't love.  

With fresh eyes and and opened mind, here's what I'm taking away from that survey: 

I have good judgment, am socially intelligent, appreciate beauty and excellence, and I am fair and honest.  I also work well as a member of a team(work), and am kind to others.  I show prudence in the choices I make, and take time to express gratitude for what I have. I persevere until jobs are completed, and I enjoy the success of doing so. I am filled with hope and believe a good future will happen by working to achieve it. Humor and laughter cause joy and I like seeing all around me smile.  My love of learning is related to my high level of curiosity about how things work in life.  I am a leader, but might show my leadership skills in helping others be organized. I go all in when I do things and am filled with zest.  I do live life as if it's an adventure.  I am humble and my perspective allow me offer sound advice based on my experiences. My self-regulation opens my emotions to be in the moment. I use my creativity to be a problem solver. My spirituality is based on knowing the Universe is a kind place and we all have our spot in it.  

I suppose I am not surprised that Forgiveness and Bravery are just above Love on my list.  I am still working on forgiving myself for how things played out in my marriage.  I am also still working on being brave enough to speak my mind all the time.  My habit to take the fall and let others have their desires, is hard to break.  I do know that in order for me to love, I must trust. In order to trust, I need to forgive myself, and feel brave enough to speak my mind. I need to know that I will be loved because of my thoughts and what makes me - me, and not because I didn't rock the boat.  

The night I found that rock, I came inside Barnes and Nobel.  I had my tea and started blogging.  I had intended to look up what the protocol was for finding a painted rock and re-hiding it, but when I went back outside at the end of the night, the rock was gone.  Had it only meant to be an inspiration?  

I am left with this wonder, Can I care enough about myself, to cut myself some slack and just finally be me? 

I can.  
I just need more time.   

~Lisa Kroll
     student of life

Power. Grace. Wisdom. Wonder.

I treated myself to seeing the recent movie, Wonder Woman.  

Before I walked into the theatre, I reflected back on my introduction to comic book heroines.  The mid 70's were a time when young women started to see female comic book heroes come to life.  Heroines in the comics adorned the small screen. That "I can do it" attitude was being laid in my 11 year-old foundation. In my youth, Isis was the first goddess I recall wanting to embrace.  I was transformed by simply saying, "Oh Mighty Isis" as if that's all I had to do to become strong, to become powerful. That's what the female science teacher on the television show said in order for her to change. 

As most youth, I had a wonderful imagination growing up. I enjoyed taking on the personality of many television characters. Isis was followed by The Bionic Woman, and next came Wonder Woman. These shows overlapped one another for a few years. Lynda Carter was the Wonder Woman of my youth.  As a former Miss American, she was a kick-butt brunette, who had brains and curves.  When I was younger, I had darker hair, and my Italian heritage hinted at curves that I would grow into. It would be several more years though before my hour glass shape truly took form. As for brains...well, I was studious, and ended my high school days in the top fifth of my class.  I have always LOVED math and science, too.  I don't recall exactly when my dad gave me a cuff bracelet that had belonged to him as a child, but I suspect it was around that time.  Maybe he sensed that I needed a little help in feeling strong.  Bra burning was popular and in the news during my youth. I would wear that cuff to ward off invisible bullets, or to gain my silent super powers. It didn't leave my wrist, and it was my secret weapon.  I never told anyone how empowered it made me feel.    

I spent time reflecting back on the little girl I was, and the woman I have become. A realization set over me. I have felt that the generation of ladies who preceded me were the ones who set the woman's rights movement in motion.  I am grateful for them, but what have I contributed to help the cause??? Mostly, I followed social norms.  I had children and stayed at home to raise them.  I kept the house, did the cooking, and the cleaning.  I supported the head of our household, as a good wife should. My staying home, meant our family looked to be at a higher status level than others.  As I pause now, I think none of the roles I filled sound very much like I did my part to help the cause. Yet, I know I would do it all again, exactly the same way. Choices, we all make them.  I made the conscious choice to stay home.  No regrets.  I have always been a teacher, I just didn't realize it. The lessons I needed to teacher were to a smaller groups of students.   

Watching the Wonder Woman movie, I realized I am living in an era where women are still gaining power.  Women are still finding out who they are and defining who we, as women, are suppose to become, which is to be an equal to all others.  We are not only defining, for our gender, we are defining for all races what it means to be equal. Equality, that's the cause. Women are doing all this with grace, and with wisdom.

As a mother, I shared my love and compassion with my children.  Those were two of the life lessons I taught.  To see one's child help another, means my role as a mother and caregiver made a difference. Really, I was the strength that cemented the foundation of my household.  I see that now. Power.  

There are moments when I start to feel as if I am not fulfilling my part in society to help build powerful women.  One of my friends sent me a book for my classroom library.  It is a reminder that sometimes, when we feel we need to count on others, we really all ready have the strength we seek inside ourselves.  

In honor or my friend, I made this bracelet.  I know that we, both male and female, are really stronger than we think, or know.  

I want to do my part to make society a better place.  I want to show the world that I am not a slacker, who is riding on the coattails of women who came before me.  

As I pause, I am reminded that I wake up, and live each day, and I inspire girls all around me.  I went back to further my education, after I raised my family.  I embarked on a career that I had always dreamt of holding.  I am surviving, and thriving. I want to inspire my daughter, and my nieces.  They can be and do anything they want in life!  I believe in them, and I will be their biggest supporter.  The other collateral beauty of my inspiration lands on my being able to inspire my sister, my friends, and my peers.  The funny thing about inspiration...it is reciprocal.  My sister, my friends and my peers also inspire me, as do my daughter and my nieces.  Today, just like in my youth, there are many role models of strong, powerful, graceful, compassionate heroines who inspire all.  

See the line where the sky meets the sea? It calls me...

And no one knows, how far it goes...

If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me...

One day I'll know, how far I'll go...

This summer, I have realized how important my female friendships are to my being. I believe we all need the friendship of many in our lives.  Friendships at this stage in my life seem more meaningful, than they were when I was younger. There is a richness that comes with experiencing life, and I feel it allows me to connect in deeper, more meaningful ways with others.  I find I can appreciate more of what lies beneath the surface in a person, too.  I am cautious who I let close to my heart, but it is with my female friends that I know I can really let down my guard.  We support one another emotionally, and are no longer trying to impress or out do each other.  Maybe we've reached that stage in life where we all really do know how precious is our time left on this Earth. Although my close friends emotionally support me, and I them, I know that the world is still a competitive place and regularly women will knock one another down.  I'm still trying to understand why.  Is it out of fear?  Fear of what though?  Not getting ahead? Being liked more or less than someone else?  I see it where I work, but it happens in all environments. Grown women can become mean girls. There are so many things we do to hurt one another...little digs, unspoken looks down noses, people being left out of the loop. I believe, in order for our society to become the place with which I am most comfortable for our future generations, we need a balanced world.  We need more women in power.  

Ladies, we need to support one another, and in all ways! We need to be kind and compassionate.  We need to help one another.  We need to elect women at the local level and then up through the ranks.  We need to financially support strong, female candidates.  We need to seed the campaigns of those who are comfortable speaking their minds on behalf of all of us; those with voices who will be heard.  I certainly haven't been an example of someone who was comfortable speaking her mind and making waves.  But "still, it calls me...."  Men will not take care of our issues.  They hear us, but they cannot know what it is that we truly need. We need a world that believes in equality, and compassion.  Not equality and compassion just for women, but for all.  During Wonder Woman, who stood up and walked through the battle field because she believed so strongly that what was happening was wrong?  

I am officially now on my summer break.  My camp teaching is over and I can relax. I am looking forward to a little quiet time to myself, and then I plan on filling my days with home improvement tasks and lunches, drinks, dinners, movies, what ever I can...with my friends who are girls!  I need you my friends! Not just during the dog days of summer, but always.  

And the call isn't out there at all...It's inside me...It's like the tide...Always falling and rising...I will carry you here in my heart...You'll remind me...That come what may...I know the way...  

I WONDER where my future path is leading me?     

~Lisa Kroll
     I think I've just awakened the feminist in myself, and I really like it                love warrior, feminist, teacher

*****

Tonight's blogging music:  Moana: Original Movie Soundtrack, with special thanks to my sister who made sure I now own it.   

What brings me joy...

birds singing

finding morels 

spring peepers croaking

deer romping through the woods

blossoms and leaves budding on trees

the color of spring wildflowers 

against the gray-brown ground

white clouds

blue skies

cats and dogs

wild grape vines

 the moon and the stars

turtles, snakes and owls

dark chocolate with a sprinkle of salt

red wine: a Malbec or Shiraz

meaningful conversations

holding hands

smiles

witnessing love

vistas at National Parks 

the sunrise each morning

sunsets at the ocean

romantic comedies 

captivating novels

playing games

walks on the beach

hiking in the woods

butterflies and fireflies

 tall green grass with dandelions

fresh air and windows open as I sleep

sea shells and snowflakes

salt lamps and diffusers

music and art

                                                               ~Lisa Kroll      

               

Cycles: Grieving...the loss of one dream, but reaching for more....

At least one member of my family doesn't like that I write about my feelings publicly. 

Sorry, not sorry.  

This is a place for me to express the truth as I know it.   My writing is meant to help myself heal.  I hope my words are encouragement for any one else who might also be in my shoes.  I have searched the web for stories to help validate my thinking, and feel I need to add my stories to the mix.  If I can grow through this, I think anyone can. In the end, I know I really am going to be fine. In my heart, I believe I am going to be better than fine.  I all ready see positive differences in how I am feeling and how my life is playing out.  I didn't really know what being happy meant during my married years.  I was always trying to make someone else happy, relieve stress for them, put out fires, make everything perfect. I didn't put myself first.  I have not known what real love looked like between two people.  Positive relationships are where two people enhance, and help the other grow.  I've written about grieving before, but this summer is when I actually need to process my loss, let it go, and move forward.  Physically I lost a relationship, but that relationship was not a healthy one.  I was told again and again that I wasn't doing things, everything, well enough.  I always needed to improve.  I was not enhanced.  Looking back now, I clearly see the flaws in that relationship.  Hindsight is 20/20.  Today, physically I am great, but emotionally I am a work in progress that grows stronger with each passing day.  On the surface, I know I look wonderful.  All the work I need to do is on my inside, and only I can do this work.    

People who have NPD actually target their supplies.  Believe it or not, NPD's have very low self-esteem, which they project onto others, and they need to feel powerful.  They choose a partner/people in their lives, from whom they can benefit.  I was hand picked, and I played my role perfectly.  My own self-esteem has suffered due to my marriage relationship.  I have spent the better part of the past two years feeling I have failed in my marriage.  Actually, I didn't fail.  I am, and was, an amazing partner.  My ex's story is that we drifted apart.  We didn't, and it still annoys me that he said that, and tried to get me to believe it too.  He chose to break our commitment.  Cycles repeat, just like history.  NPD's cheat because they believe they won't get caught.  How do you define cheating?  "Vitamins" from California to enhance a hobby maybe, because one race official suggests supplementing workouts?  I am asked periodically if I have proof of my ex's infidelity.  I do.  I just didn't want to believe the signs.  Little lies...the friend he claimed to be with, who wasn't even in the state, his broken friendship...which he claims was because of me...how ridiculous. Pretty sure there was a female involved in that crossfire, but it wasn't me. The midnight run out of the house to help a "friend" I didn't know, coupled with the anger, at me, for waiting up until 2 a.m. and asking if I could help when he returned.  Others saw the signs too.  I know it's hard to tell someone when you suspect their spouse is not behaving in an appropriate manner.  I don't fault others for remaining silent; it wasn't their place to get involved.  Please friends know this truth: the past few years have shown me how honestly strong I am.  

This summer I am allowing myself to grieve. Teaching has kept me busy for the past 10 months, it's time to heal, and move forward.  Frustrations occur at times, and tears follow.  I need to grieve the loss of my dream to be in the "perfect" marriage. Three years ago I really thought I was living my dream.  Silly me, why did I think I had just one dream to dream?  How limiting!!!  I am told I am an inspiration.  This surviving a divorce was NOT the inspiration I hoped to be for others.  It was not one of my life dreams.  I thought I wanted to be the "perfect" wife.  Now I see my dream should have been, and is, to be the best me I can be, for me.  Independence is not such a bad thing.  However, even the most independent souls need to ask for help now and again.  I don't think I can ask for help just yet!  That might be on next summer's "to-do" list.  My brother told me I have trouble asking for help because I am a Scubelek (my maiden name...pronounced Scoob-a-leck).  He wisely noted that as we grew up, Scubelek's were people who helped others, we didn't need to ask for help.  I cannot help but share my happy spirit.  THAT is just who I am.  I am working on believing I did the best I could in my marriage.  I truly am happier now.  There was a negative aura that resided too close to my soul and it was dragging me down.  It has moved on...far away from me.  Thank you negative aura for giving me all the wisdom you needed to share, but I am done with you, and I now release you.  Goodbye negative aura.  

Two of my dreams have been to be a mom and a teacher.  Both goals I have successfully achieved!  We are complex souls, capable of having multiple dreams to strive towards.  We need to always believe in the potential to reach our dreams.  Positive thinking is powerful.  I do dream of being in a serious relationship with one person again someday, but I don't think I'm healed enough for that yet. I'm scared. What if I get hurt again?  My goal now is to be truly comfortable with speaking my mind and having my voice be heard.  I continue to cherish all my relationships.  Friendships are so important in helping us reach our full potentials in life.  Perfection has many meanings in my book, and I see my life is filled with perfections!

One last thing...I still believe in romance. #hopelessromantic  I thought maybe I've lost this piece of myself.  But, alas, once a dreamer, always a dreamer.  

~Lisa Kroll, still eating, praying, loving, grieving, letting go and moving forward

"Loving myself the way I want you to love me" - Katy Perry, Love Me on the Prism album

It's no surprise that tonight's blogging music has been Katy Perry's Prism album.  Some day I dream of thanking Katy in person for sharing herself through her music.  



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Berlioz...Elsa...and Snow White

I am stepping away from my usual blog posting material.  
Tonight I am supporting a cause.  
  
If you know me, then you know I am a Disney junkie.  

I identify with Elsa and the whole frozen heart thing.  I am the older sister, have the name L'sa (sans "i" you'll note), love snowflakes, have been known to sing "Let It Go" at the top of my lungs...in public, etc.  

What you might not know it that my inner soul is more like Snow White.  I have always felt Snow was the Disney animal lover.  Snow finds the good in all.  I'd like to think I do the same.  Before Elsa, I felt completely aligned with Snow White.  I think I must be a blend of the two of them.  Tonight, my Snow White side is going to appeal to all my friends and readers.  Please help if you can.  I just started a GoFundMe account for a little kitten that I am calling Berlioz.  Berlioz, after the little black kitten in The Aristocats.  Did I mention I'm a Disney junkie???  :) My daughter, who is doing an internship at Disney World, was actually the one who came up with the name.  It's absolutely perfect!  Donate HERE: Berlioz.

Berlioz

Here is Berlioz's story.  

Yesterday, my sister found this babe as she arrived at her photography studio in South Bend, IN.  She approached him, and he was very skittish.  Still, he allows her to pick him up and cuddled as she wrapped him in a towel.  He was scared and snuggled behind her computer as she worked.  After working for a bit, she found him snoozing in the cords of her computer, he craved the heat the cords offered.  

She sent me this photo to start my day...

...she merely said, "Look what I found."  My response..."Crap."

My sister and I are truly two peas.  We can't walk away from a lost or injured animal.  During the day the next message I received said,  "Your cat is purring."  

Later it was, "Your niece is cuddling your new babe." 

Finally she said, "I'm taking YOUR cat to the vet at 5."

My cat.  

I all ready have a cat...and a dog.  Lily, the cat, is 13 years old.  We adopted her when she was a kitten.  She's diabetic and has been since she was young.  I've given her insulin shots twice a day since 2006.  Twice a day!  When I go on vacation or away, even for a day, I need to make sure someone can help me.  Let me repeat that...insulin (which isn't cheap) shots twice a day, twelve hours apart, since 2006...nine years.  Technically, Lily is my daughter's cat.  Have I mentioned that my daughter has been in college and is currently in Florida for an internship at Disney???  I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say, 98% of the shots Lily has received in her lifetime have been administered by me.  

Then there is Winston, my pooch.  

His picture was in the paper back in November of 2009.  There was an article about adopting out old dogs to older people.  When I saw his picture, it was love at first sight.  I told my ex (I was married back then) that I wanted to go meet this dog.  My ex had told our daughter that IF we ever lived on the road we were currently living on, we could get a dog.  Once we moved on to the road, my ex's memory became faulty.  He claimed he had never said that.  He had.  He just didn't like responsibility.  lol.  Regardless, I went and saw W.  He was so sweet.  My ex went out of town that week and I told the shelter that although I loved W, I could not bring home a dog without everyone in the family 1) meeting him and 2) agreeing to care for him.  I did, however, fill out adoption papers.  They would hold him for me for 24 hours.  48 hours later I was able to bring my children in to meet W.  My ex happened to be coming back in from out of town and he met us there.  We were in one of the visiting rooms with W, when one of the shelter volunteers came and told me, his adoption has all ready been taken care of.  I asked what that meant...because I suspected someone else had adopted him.  I figured we weren't meant to be dog owners after all!  The volunteer told me that someone had come in and paid for his adoption fees anonymously.  He had a guardian angel!  Older dogs, and cats are least likely to be adopted at shelters.  Someone else had seen W's picture too in the newspaper.  They came in, met him, then paid his adoption fee so whomever wanted him could just take him home.  We had the money...but he was free...meant to be ours...meant to be mine.  Due to that random act of kindness, for several years after that, I made holiday, monetary donations to our shelter, especially for older adoptees.  

Winston came home with us that night.  The next day we left for Thanksgiving Break.  We traveled, by car to the east coast.  Fourteen hours.  Winston went with us!  It was amazing!  

Winston's story is unclear before I met him.  He was skin and bones (15 pounds under weight) when I adopted him.  The shelter's director felt he was dumped.  He was not neutered, and wore a nondescript hunting collar on his neck. The director of the shelter felt he had probably outlived his hunting usefulness.  She said it is common for hunters to feel their dogs are not as sharp once they reach six years old.  Winston was six. Although my schooling and new job keep me really busy today, and I feel a tad sad that I have sole responsibility for the household menagerie...I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.  W is my boy and I feel safe with him by my side. He is also about 13 years old.  

Winston has his own blog...but I haven't helped him with it in some time.  Opposable thumbs are to be valued.  Winston Speaks.  Maybe once Berlioz joins the clan W will have more to say.  

My sister spent $90.00 on "my cat"  last night.   Her vet checked him out.  He does not have feline leukemia.  Positive!  He appears to be a healthy babe.  Positive!  He does have  a shattered back leg.  It also looks as if he has road rash on his little face.  Both possible from having been tossed from a car.  :( Being a little, black cat, just before Halloween, has not helped him.  My sister, and I agree, if she takes him to the shelter, he'll probably be put down.  Neither of us are willing to allow that to happen.  

So you see, my inner Snow White is coming out.  I cannot let this little black kitten be lost.  My sister's heart is as big as mine, and it's possible it might be bigger.  She has three cats, a dog and three young children.  She needs to NOT take on this kitten.  But me...I am alone and am a nurturing soul too.  Clearly my furry kids have needed someone who has love to offer.  I can do that.  And my heart is big enough to support another furry kid.  Given all I've been through though over this past year, I just don't think I can pay a surgery bill of $1500.00.  On the GoFundMe site my goal is to raise $2000.00 for Berlioz.  I am anticipating meds, and incidentals will be needed after surgery.  

I am confident this campaign will be successful.  When we go over and above the desired goal, the additional moneys (after medical bills are paid) will go as a donation to the veterinary clinic who does the surgery.  Next, I will spend the rest of the funds by making donations to the South Bend animal shelter, and then to my local shelter and possibly even to my vet.  My sister's vet accepts donations for a fund that is used to offset costs for those who cannot afford large fees.  As an example, Berlioz needed to have X-rays as well as tests run.  His actual vet bill last night was over $300.00.  My sister's vet dipped into this other account to make up the difference.  It seems fitting that any extra money raised should also go towards something like this as well.  

So, friends, please help.  If you can donate even a little to help this cause, please consider it.  If you cannot donate, but know someone who might be moved to help, then please share my blog or the GoFundMe link.  Here it is again:  Berlioz: GoFundMe.  

Tonight ...I've been listening to music from The Aristocats via Spotify.  

As always, thank you for sharing my life adventures.  

xoxo  

~Lisa Kroll