Timeless Words....

Did she know?  That's the question that's been on my mind.  Did my mom know just how much I admired, loved and appreciated her before she died?  

She reached out to me this week, from beyond the grave.  I made an impromptu trip to visit my sister because I was starting to feel a tad claustrophobic at my house, and truth be known, lonely.  I needed a little bit of that special love one can only really get from being with their family.  While at my sister's, the two of us shared our time by going through boxes of old family photos.  The boxes we went through contained images of long gone souls; souls we'd grown up knowing only in family tales.  As history detectives, we identified our kin.  This experience was incredibly eye opening, and it touched my soul.

My sister opened an old scrapbook one night.  She perused it's pages, as I was identifying loose photos.  The next day, I peeked inside that scrapbook and was treated to a world of personal stories.

My grandmother, Theresa, went through a period of loss, not unlike others in her time.  She had a baby (my Aunt Carol) in July of 1939.  Carol didn't see her first birthday because she contracted Tuberculosis.  My grandmother would test positive or TB the remainder of her life.  My grandmother was able to get pregnant again, and this baby would grow to be my mother, Patricia, the first of five more babies to enter the family Simonetto.  My mom was a few months old, when my grandmother's brother, Patrick, died.  He was just 21 years old.  He had been at college, but came home for a visit, when he died suddenly of Pneumonia.  In the next year, my grandparents would lose yet another family member: my grandfather's youngest brother, Joeseppe.  He was 20 years old, and died in an air training accident at the Air Force base in Kansas (McConnell AF Base, before it was named as such).  So much loss of youth.  How did the families handle it? That is a rhetorical question, I know they were survivors.  They persevered.  As I continued to leaf through the pages of the scrapbook, old letters, notes written by unknown-to-me relatives, came alive. I was mesmerized.  I was held captive.  

One letter gripped my heart more than the rest.  It was one penned by my own mother.  It certainly wasn't the oldest letter.  The paper hadn't turned yellow yet with age.  There, before my eyes, was my mom's handwriting, on blue, flowered stationary.   I read the letter out loud to my sister.  As I did, tears slowly streamed down my cheeks.  My mom was expressing sentiments that I have been recently feeling.  Mom wrote a letter to Grandma, near Mother's Day in 1989.  Below are the unedited words my mother had to say:

Sassy.
My Grandmother, before children.
I have a picture of my grandfather at this time, too,
so I do suspect they were married in this photo. 

Lake Michigan in the foreground, and my
grandmother with my mom on her right and my Uncle Joe on the left.  

My mom and Grandma

Mom and Grandma,
on my mom's First Holy Communion

*****

2003
My mom and my Grandma at my sister's wedding 

5-10-89

Dear Mom:

I suppose you're wondering why I'm writing this letter since we live only ten miles apart and talk on the phone almost every day.  I don't feel I could express myself verbally as well as I could by writing.  Since Mother's Day will soon be here and I've been shopping for that special gift, I've been thinking about you and what you've meant to me through the years.

As I think back now, I guess I really didn't appreciate you as much as I could of while I was at home. It wasn't until I went to California that I began to get a new perspective on our relationship.  We didn't always agree on everything, of course
but you always took time to listen whenever I had a problem that I wanted to talk about.  After I left home, I missed not being able to confide in you except long distance, by mail or by telephone.

-2-

My mom, the bride - March 1962

I think it was when I married Larry that I really began to think of you as a real person rather than as "Just Mom." I began to admire your abilities with cooking, getting everything on the table hot at the same time, sewing which I took for granted, gardening and how crafty you are.  Your ability to make something out of nothing amazed me.  I also discovered that you were generous and always ready to help out a friend, neighbor and me.

You know, you've given me good sound advice over the years and I haven't always taken it.  But I especially remember the morning of my wedding when you and Dad said, it wasn't too late to change my mind about marrying Larry" - your only concern was my happiness and I've often thought of that special moment.  After Lisa was born, I began to see what it meant to be a mother from a new point of

-3-

view.  I felt a very special closeness with you as I understood, for the first time, the joys of having a child, of seeing her smile, hearing her say, "mama" and watching her learn to walk and grow up.  Each child has given me more insight to who you really were.  I had a hard time with three and you managed fine all by yourself. 

Holding and rocking a sick child, I've also discovered the long hours of worry and work you put into caring for me.  I found then, as you did years before, that a mother learns to rely on God a great deal.

As the kids have grown I found that I could sound grouchy and irritable just as you sometimes sounded when I was growing up and for some of the same good reasons.

I remember how you use to complain about how sloppy and messy I was. I really

-4-

didn't care much about your frustrations then, but I now know exactly how you felt - Sorry.

You've always been there when I needed you the most.  I remember the morning Larry died - you were there to help me when I didn't know what I was going to do - you held me in your arms and I felt so safe and secure.  What magic your arms possess.

My Uncle Joe, Aunt Pam, Grandma and mom -
There were still two babies yet to join the family.

I was so lonely and frightened but you were there to pick up the pieces.  You said I was still young and pretty - I had no faith in myself.  Then I met Art and you were there again.

At Disney World, with my siblings and my mom 

Since I've had children of my own I feel that I know you better.  I understand that a mother tries so hard, makes mistakes, loses her temper when she doesn't mean to, and has normal human

-5-

emotions.  Yes, I understand now that mother's don't always know how to settle siblings quarrels fairly or may even run out of patience a lot of times.  But, moms never run out of love - I know because you've shown that through the years.

Thank you

With all my love, 

Your daughter, 

Patricia

Happy Mother's Day

*****

Did she know?  

I believe she did.  With age comes wisdom, and mother's definitely have wisdom along with their endless supply of love.

Thank you mom, for being there for me.  May you look down and know I embrace all you bestowed upon me in life.  I am who I am, because of you and dad.  I love you, as every daughter, and son, loves their mom.  Sometimes we just need a little time before we truly realize the awesome souls in our lives.

Wonder.  Wisdom.  Grace.  Power.

~Lisa Scubelek-Kroll, 
     story teller, mother, lover of life 

Emotional Manipulation...an example

Mother's Day... a day when we honor our mom.

More than likely, mom is the woman who carried us in her womb for nine months.  She protected, nourished and loved us, before we even entered the world.  When a man and a woman have a child, it is possibly the most intimate experience they can share. Not long ago, men weren't allowed into the delivery room, but now they are not only welcomed, but are active participants, being asked to cut the cord that binds their child to his or her mother.  The woman may carried their child, but the man is the witness.  He witnesses the growth of his child as he or she goes from being a home pregnancy test result, to a small bump that grows into the size of a basketball.  He witnesses black and white images on an ultra sound machine.  He is witness to that incredible event of the birth of his child.  He witnesses as the child travels from the safety of the uterus, through the pelvic bones, and out into the world where the first breathe is taken.  A man witnesses the transformation of the amazing body of a woman.  There is no doubt, a woman's body is truly amazing.

I have given birth to two children.  To me they are blessings beyond compare.  I no longer need to protect them as I once did.  The nourishment I offer is mostly emotional, with a side helping of real calories. I love them more than they can every possibly know.  They are two amazing human beings...a product of the childhood they were given.  

Mother's Day 2013

In February of that year, he had started pushing me away.  What was wrong with me?  I didn't seem to be doing anything right. I sought therapy to find answers on what I needed to do to help change myself for him, for us.  We were still sleeping in the same bed on Mother's Day.  When I awoke that morning, I turned to him and confessed that I missed "us", I missed being intimate.  Had I expected the lashing that followed, I would have remained silent, I would have kept my thoughts to myself.  

I didn't expect what followed.

-----------------------------

me-What are you thinking?

            him - What are you thinking? 

me - I realize we are probably just going through something, but I miss our intimacy. 

           him - When did you see your therapist last? 

me-Two weeks ago, and I'll see her this week. 

           him - Why aren't you seeing her weekly?  Are you taking your meds?  

            Have you been taking your Xanax? 

me-The Xanax is only for panic attacks and I haven't needed those for some time now.

           him - What do you talk about in your sessions?

me-Well, I did tell her I miss our sex and she told me I need to back off and not push things. 

           him - What else do you talk about?  

            I mean, I know your sessions are private and not my business.  

me - Well, I worry about how much you ride, and you are the one who told me about Over Training Syndrome.  I wasn't even sure that was a real thing, so I googled it and you seem to fit all the symptoms. 

           him - That's part of being a high level, competitive athlete.

me - I know, I don't understand since I'm not an athlete.  

            him - That's absolutely right, you aren't.   

me - I just don't know any other high level athletes to compare my concerns about you to. I also am concerned because you seem more jovial with others than you are with me.  I'm just trying to figure out what I need to do to help this out.  I realize I'm a pleaser and I shouldn't worry.  I just feel like you give 150% of yourself to your cycling, and 150% of yourself to your job and there is nothing left for you to give me.  I feel like there isn't a balance.  I feel like all I get is a peck on the lips.

            him - "That's all I have for you." 

             You suffer from low self-esteem and you need to work on that.  It isn't my place to tell you daily that I love you, or that I find you attractive or that I think what you are doing is good. 

me - Well, do you feel that way about me though?

           him - Not all the time.  

           You are 49 years old.  When are you going to start taking care of yourself? You have a basket of pills under the bed and you are comfortable taking those to manage things rather than to exercise, and walking the dog doesn't count as exercise.  You need to get your heart rate elevated. 

me - I have so much to do around here.  I don't have time to exercise too.  

            him - What do you have to do?  

me - I have to shop, and cook, and clean, and walk the dog, and work. 

             him - Your priorities are off.  You need to find time to work out.  How much are you on the computer during the day?  How much are you on there morning, noon and night?  I challenge you to write down how much you are on either the computer or your iPad. 

me - You know, my mind just races.  I'm worried maybe you are having an affair. 

           him -  Is your goal to keep gaining weight?

me - I've actually lost 10 pounds since December. 

            him - Well, I can't tell. 

me - I don't care if you can't tell.  You can ask my doctor, they have official records. 

            him - "I'm not attracted to someone whose gut sticks out more than their tits.  

             Are you surprised to hear me say this?"

me - no (I was in absolute shock.)

            him - "I mean, come on (and he touched his own chest) have you looked at me?"  

                (exhale and pause) Do you want me to hold you? 

me - no

I took three xanax that day and emailed my therapist.  

Above is from my email.  Every word is true.  

This is what emotional manipulation from a Narcissistic looks like from the inside.  

I walked Winston as my escape after that conversation.  When I returned he asked if I wanted to go to Goose Pond and see what it was like.  He had asked me this once before.  That previous day we were to go after he went riding his bike.  When the time came for us to go, he was too exhausted.  Today I told him no thanks.  He asked if I didn't want to go because the birds were mostly gone.  I told him I really didn't want to spend any time with him.  

At my next therapy session my therapist told me I could believe what he tells me about myself, or I could go out into the real world and see what the rest of the world has to say.  She suggested I take a trip by myself.  You might recall that I went to the Grand Canyon on my walkabout.  Mother's Day 2013 was the catalyst.  

In September of 2013 he moved out of our bedroom.  In April of 2014 he moved out of the house.  On Mother's Day of 2014 he showed up at the house.  He was mad that I had changed the locks.  I told him he was the last person I wanted to see on Mother's Day.  He asked why.  I said don't you remember what you said to me last year?  His response, "I remember.  You're still in shock aren't you?" 

----------------------------

I needed to write this and share it publicly so I can be released.  I have held this in my heart every day.  When I look into the mirror now, I see someone who was hidden and is emerging.  I need the poison he fed into my soul to be out, and completely gone.  

I claim Mother's Day as mine.  

I do not suffer from low self-esteem.  
I am a warrior.  
I am roaring.

                  ~Lisa Kroll
                      Mother, Survivor, Love Warrior