Feeling Grounded

My mind seems to have settled down over these past few years.
I am grateful.

It once raced to the point that I thought my head was going to explode, or maybe I was going crazy. The emotions inside me were frantically all wanting to be heard at once. My head would pound. My eyes struggled to focus as the pain behind them made me simply want to shut my eyes and tune out the World. Sometimes, I would physically feel my body clench up as my fists pulled inward, towards my racing heart. My arms would close in as well. Instinctively, I'd collapse into a fetal like position, even if I was standing. My body was trying to close off all external stimuli.

Overload.  Capacity full.

Deep breath.

Talk therapy helped.

I wasn't going crazy.
Life was changing, and I wasn't insane.
I was very normal.
Our bodies are amazing, and mine sensed the high stress levels; it was trying to protect me in the best way it could.

I needed to learn to be in the moment.
I needed to learn to be mindful.

Breathe.
Inhale deeply through my nose.
Hold that breath, and focus on taking it deep down into my lungs.
Feel it.
Exhale through my mouth, loudly, making sure all air is expelled, but note the sound of the rushing air as it goes over my teeth and through my lips.  Feel my stress dissipating into space, leaving me cleansed.  No longer is the stress inside me.  When I am mindful, I am very aware of all around me, and of my own being. In the moment, I am here. I am fine.

Rational thoughts slowly permeated the chaos inside my head.

You are fine, I'd tell myself.
You are strong.
You can do this.
You are going to be all right.
You are going to be better than all right.
You will survive (cue Gloria Gaynor, huh?)

I look in the mirror, and tell my reflection,
You are perfect.
You have everything you need.
You are enough.  You are blessed.  

Let's be honest, we live in a harsh world.  We need to practice self care, and that means nourishing our own souls. We need to start by being positive, and loving ourselves.  It truly is the only way we can completely love others.

*****

My morning routine after I wake up, is to take Toby downstairs, let him out back, and wait inside for him to do his business.  A few days ago, if my neighbors were watching, they might have witnessed something different, and personal.

I walked into the middle of my backyard as Toby went out, and I inhaled deeply.  The sounds of the birds singing in the trees filled my ears.  The smell of the fresh mowed grass filled my nose.  The sparkle of the sun peeking through the green leaves, reflecting the morning dew touched my eyes, and the warmth of the Earth nuzzled my bare feet.  I drank in the moment and allowed it to linger on and in me for over five minutes.  I just stood in my backyard, breathing deeply.  My heart filled with joy and I felt something come alive inside me.  I realized I was feeling grounded.  Literally, the Earth was claiming me as hers.  The beauty of those moments were filling my soul.

I am strong.

I am better than all right.

I am living as I am meant to be living.

I have everything I need.  I am blessed.  

                     ~Lisa Kroll
                            grounded, happy, perfect

Be You

Found on the curb at Barnes and Nobel

It was written on a stone.  Be You.

Self discovery.  

It is interesting to have a chance in life to do this.  I grew up thinking one needed to be married by a certain age, and was young by today's standards when I was wed at the age of 22.  Today's young adults take time to discover what makes up their being.  Most people my age have someone else they need to think about: a spouse, a significant other, children, parents.  I am free from those responsibilities.  My parents and grandparents are deceased.  I have children, but they are young adults and I can truly only offer my words of wisdom, should they even ask me for advice. I am living in a period of my life where I am allowed to discover, or re-discover, what it is that makes up me.  I get to just be my self, all alone, making discoveries. 

So what makes me, me?  

While volunteering to answer phones last month at the local National Public Radio station's fund drive, I took a character strengths inventory test along side the other volunteers.  The Producer of On-Air Fundraising was our volunteer contact for the night and she thought it would be interesting to see our top and bottom five strengths. She wanted to compare all of us and see if, because we all listen and volunteered, we had the same characteristics.  Here's a link to the test:  VIA Character Strength survey.  One hundred and twenty questions later, and our top 24 character strengths were gathered. 

After taking the questionnaire, I felt slightly less encouraged about myself.  It wasn't because of my top five strengths.  It was because at the very bottom of my list was LOVE.  That's right, my number 24 of 24.    

Love...defined as: valuing close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing and caring are reciprocated, being close to people.  

I know I have come far over the past few years, but apparently my subconscious, emotional state is still damaged. I wonder if I'll ever truly heal and that alarms me.  Am I capable of loving others?  What if I am unable?  I do feel I'm becoming more skeptical of relationships.  I look at others, and I think to myself, are they living a lie too?  Maybe all relationships are based on lies and I don't play that game.  What is really going on in their story? Then I remind myself that it's possible they have never experienced the depth of deception, or emotional abuse that made up my relationship.  I wonder, what does real love feel like? What is it like to share everything with someone and have them love you because of that?  It's funny, I feel there are souls in this world who could love me, but also wonder, if they really knew me, would they stay or would they go too?  Rational Me thinks, it doesn't matter, because they aren't with you.  I feel like I'm missing that little something that would make someone else want to stay by my side, no matter what. I am someone who doesn't have a soul mate in this universe. I guard my heart from anyone else who might want to get too close; even my friends.  I can't handle being hurt again.  For my armor to be pieced, it will take an arrow made of Graphene.  Again, Rational Me, knows that I will likely outlive my two cats, so one day I will feel heart ache again.  I am comforted in knowing that my cats won't leave or discard me. Just like my sister and my kids, they love me unconditionally.  Blood links and pets, I have discovered...come back to me.    

Toulouse and Berlioz

Recently, I have been feeling I need a dog back in my life.  I do miss W because he made me get out and I felt I was with someone even though he was a dog. We would do things...like just walk in the woods, or run errands.  I can do things by myself, but it's lonely at times, and my kitties can't go out with me. My recent very late hours at school have made me realize maybe I'm not quite ready for a dog.  I rationalize that if I have a dog, I will have to go home. I have been approved by  a rescue, and should the perfect-for-me-dog need a home...I am open to that addition in my life.  Until then, I am happy to have my two other boys.  I often find them both on my bed acting like I'm disturbing their secret slumber and grooming spot.  Good thing I don't mind cat hairs!  I think these two would love a doggie playmate to chase around the house.  I know that I can love, and I do have love to share.  I am blessed to have a house where animals can be nurtured.  I am an animal lover.  That is part of whom I am.  Another discovery of being me.

Going back to my character strengths, my top five are: Judgment, Social Intelligence, Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence, Fairness, and Honesty.

1. Judgment:  The ability to think things through and examine them from all sides.  Not jumping to conclusions, weighing all evidence fairly and being able to change ones mind in light of evidence.

     This was my number one.  I am compassionate. I do realize there is more to a person or situation than what may meet the eye.

2. Social Intelligence:  Being aware of the motives/feelings of others and oneself.  Knowing what to do to fit into different social situations, knowing what makes other people tick.

     I have spent my lifetime figuring out how to make everyone happy all at the same time, so I wasn't shocked to see this so high up on my list.  I have only recently been practicing mindfulness to learn to be aware of my own feelings, too.  

3. Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence:  Noticing and appreciating beauty, excellence and or skilled performance in various domains of life, from nature to art to mathematics to science to everyday experiences.

     Spot on.

4. Fairness:  Treating all people the same according to notions of fairness and justice not letting feelings bias decisions about others; giving everyone a fair chance.

     I am a people person, and a teacher.

5. Honesty: Speaking the truth but more broadly presenting oneself in a genuine way and acting in a sincere way, being without pretense; taking responsibility for one's feelings and actions.

     Trying to just be me.


I am not sure how the results ended for the group of volunteers.  Honestly, I was embarrassed that LOVE was my number 24.  I was so shocked that I couldn't think about anything else at that moment.  I was sure this group of people, was looking at me and thinking, well of course she isn't good at love.  She's divorced.  Reflecting today, I wonder what was their number 24?  Maybe they were just as upset with what landed in their last position on the character graph.  I also know that it didn't matter who I was with, the emotions I felt would have been the same...embarrassment, feeling my results said I can't love.  

With fresh eyes and and opened mind, here's what I'm taking away from that survey: 

I have good judgment, am socially intelligent, appreciate beauty and excellence, and I am fair and honest.  I also work well as a member of a team(work), and am kind to others.  I show prudence in the choices I make, and take time to express gratitude for what I have. I persevere until jobs are completed, and I enjoy the success of doing so. I am filled with hope and believe a good future will happen by working to achieve it. Humor and laughter cause joy and I like seeing all around me smile.  My love of learning is related to my high level of curiosity about how things work in life.  I am a leader, but might show my leadership skills in helping others be organized. I go all in when I do things and am filled with zest.  I do live life as if it's an adventure.  I am humble and my perspective allow me offer sound advice based on my experiences. My self-regulation opens my emotions to be in the moment. I use my creativity to be a problem solver. My spirituality is based on knowing the Universe is a kind place and we all have our spot in it.  

I suppose I am not surprised that Forgiveness and Bravery are just above Love on my list.  I am still working on forgiving myself for how things played out in my marriage.  I am also still working on being brave enough to speak my mind all the time.  My habit to take the fall and let others have their desires, is hard to break.  I do know that in order for me to love, I must trust. In order to trust, I need to forgive myself, and feel brave enough to speak my mind. I need to know that I will be loved because of my thoughts and what makes me - me, and not because I didn't rock the boat.  

The night I found that rock, I came inside Barnes and Nobel.  I had my tea and started blogging.  I had intended to look up what the protocol was for finding a painted rock and re-hiding it, but when I went back outside at the end of the night, the rock was gone.  Had it only meant to be an inspiration?  

I am left with this wonder, Can I care enough about myself, to cut myself some slack and just finally be me? 

I can.  
I just need more time.   

~Lisa Kroll
     student of life

Continuing the Journey...

Two years, two months and 13 days have passed 

since my Independence Day.  

I put the dates into a 'days past' generator to find that out.  

I am not keeping track.   

I would not go back to my past life.  

I was so limited and held back.  

I intimidated the person whom I thought was my partner because he couldn't handle my glow.  

I am healing, and learning to love again.  

I am re-evaluating what it is that I have to offer the world.  

I am not dating, nor do I have someone in the 'picture'.  

I haven't loved myself for a very long time.

In order to be able to love someone else, I must first love myself.  

No more accepting life as status quo.   

*****

I am a product of the perfect combination of genes 

which my parents brought together.  

I was created, I did not create myself.  

My complexion, my eyes, my smile...all gifts from my parents.  

I don't see my parents in myself, 

but I feel them in my heart.  

My naturally curly hair, thank you dad, 

and has a mind of it's own.  

I love to let it be free.  

I like that my hair may look different each time I look in the mirror.  

I makes me unpredictable. 

I have joy in my heart, and it oozes out. 

I am truly grateful for all I have.  

I choose positivity in life.  

I enjoy making a difference, even if it's just 

for one person, 

one animal, 

or our beautiful Earth.  

I do love the world around me, and I love others.  

I like to hear what someone young, or old has to say.  

I am a listener, a thinker and a problem solver.  

I look at others and wonder, what is their life story?  

I look at things and think, is there a better way to do that?  

I am a born teacher.  

I have patience.  

I am curious.  

I want to know how and why things work as they do.  

I marvel at simplicity and complexity. 

I am generous with my time and talents.  

I like taking care of others.  

I am maternal.  

I am creative.  

Art and music drive my spirit.  

Music is in every fiber of my being, and it colors my world.    

I thrive when I can share my passions.  

I feel the Universe tingles, 

and that makes my soul happy.  

~Lisa Kroll

    spreading Love, Understanding, Positivity

Go listen to The Power of Peace CD by the Isley Brothers and produced by Carlos Santana.  

released on July 28, 2017

When Truman Stepped Through the Door...Everyone Paid the Price

In the movie The Truman Show, there is a point where Truman realizes that all around him has been staged.  He realizes that he has not been allowed to truly be himself. Society has been controlling his life.  With all the flair of the movies, Truman Burbank punches through the side of his fake world and finds a set of stairs with an exit door to the outside world.  He must decide, does he move forward or stay put?  No matter what he decides, from this point forward, life for all who crossed his life path will change... forever. 

*****

Relationships end, and unfortunately that is part of life.  With a divorce, the collateral damage is more than one would expect. 

*****

I was not an idiot in raising my children.  I realized that many more people get divorced now, as compared to when I was a youngster.  I raised my children in an induced Utopian world: to only have friends who were in solid families.  The old me defined "solid families" to mean their friends had two parents, who were together for the long haul.  My thought process was, if I could give my children a good example with my marriage, and fill their lives with other positive role models, they could potentially escape the realities of the really world.  Consequently, my children knew other kids whose parents were divorced, but they didn't grow up with those kids as close companions.  Off the top of my head, I can think of only two of my son's friends whose parents were divorced by the time my kiddos were in high school.  Mostly, my kids had friends who had intact families with parents who were always active in their lives.  Unconsciously I sought out friendships with others who were married only.  I did try to make a point of surrounding my own children with what I considered to be positive role models, as any caring parent might do.  Right or wrong, I grew up in an intact family, and I wanted the same for my children and the future generations of my family who might follow.  

Enter the Big D. 

FACT: Divorce hurts all who were brought together by the bond of marriage.

Collateral Damage in my divorce:  Two young adult children.  My definition of a young adult (YA) is someone who is over the age of 18. There was also my ex's mom (my MIL), various siblings, and extended family. I'm only focusing on my young adults, as they are connected by blood and I have personal experience with them.  

Studies have shown, when children are YAs, and their parents divorce, the YAs are more devastated than had the parents divorced when the children were younger.  I firmly believe this to be true.  As I have struggled with my own grief, my children have had their own problems to solve. I have been unable to focus on them.  I do think about my children and what they might be experiencing, but I cannot help them work through what they need to work through.  

I speculate, these might be a sampling of questions my YAs have asked themselves since May of 2013: 

     Are their memories real?

     Was their youth all a farce? 

     Were they the reason that an unhappy person stayed? 

     As adults, can they trust someone now to stay with them, should they find a soulmate?  

     What do they need to do to have a healthy relationship?  

     What does a healthy relationship look like?

     How do holidays work? 

     Where is home?   

     How can they stay out of the emotional battlefield? 

I know I haven't made it easy on my YAs.  Try as I might to keep my opinions bottled up inside of me, I exploded now and again. Less now then in the past, but I did unload from time to time.  To my children, I truly am sorry.  Please remember, I am human. I am not perfect.  But I DO love you with my whole heart.  

I hope my children never have to know hurt as I have.  My children deserve to have their own relationships with their father, just as they are forming their own relationships with me.  I have never wanted, or expected them to pick sides.  That's not right, nor is it fair.  As I raised my children, I never imagined they'd even think there would be a side to pick. 

*****   

It's been 31 years since my father died...June 20, 1985.  THAT was a devastating time in my life.  I remember emotionally breaking with his death, and wondering if I would ever heal.   I realized he was my father, and not my soul mate.  My parents were married for 23 years when he died.  I watched my mom, one incredibly strong woman, crumble to her knees but eventually rise again.   After dad died, my brother and I were there for one another, and for our mom.  I often discount my sister, but I don't mean to do that.  She was five when our dad died.  I know that she, along with therapy, were the reasons  mom was able to go on living.  Individually, and together, the four of us did heal.  It took a long time, and a lot of outside support, but we did work through that loss.  What helped me the most was that we were able to talk about missing dad, about the life we knew, and about what we had experienced together.  

With a death, the good memories are shared over, and over, and over.  That is not how it is with a divorce.  My children and I do not talk about what happened.  We cannot.  Honestly, the good memories that I have from my 28 year marriage, I question.  How can I not?...I didn't see our end coming initially.

Life has a way of happening the way it needs to though.  A close friend recently told me, as she listened to me spill my thoughts, that surely I knew what I did during my married years was really, really good.  She reminded me of my visible accomplishments...my children, and the adults they have become.  She commented on how much I was able to give them over the years.  She went on to say, something that I really all ready know, my ex wasn't growing with me, and he can't give me what I now need.  

Truman Burbank stepped through the door, putting his feet into an unknown world and said, "In case I don't see you...good afternoon, good evening and good night."  I imagine he had a lot of self discovery to do.   

Unlike Truman, I do not feel society was controlling my life before I stepped through my exit door and entered this new stage. I know I am in a time of self discovery.  I am continuing to learn who I am, what I enjoy, what I need, and what I want in life.    

~Lisa Kroll, student of life, who is starting to possibly enjoy the ride.  

*********

Research/Interesting Reads:  

Why It's So Hard for Adults When Their Parents Divorce 

Grieving the Gray DivorceThe Effects of Divorce on Children  

    

Effects on Grown-up Offspring  

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forgiveness

Part of the healing process is forgiveness. 

I am working on forgiving so I can love and respect myself, and then move forward. 

New relationships are not being given a fair chance of working while I am in this stage. I have written so much over the past month, but so little have I posted. 
As I edit my writings I realize the emotions are strong and I am evolving, even a day after I pen my words. I hope that means I am growing. I would like to post recent writings because I do think they have value, but if I do, when I do, my readers need to know I am not the same person. 

~lisa

DIY: How to Love...Click Here For Details

Wouldn't it be great if learning to love was as simple as following steps on a Do It Yourself tutorial?
Click Here for Details...ha!  Not so simple. No link today my friends.   

I know this sounds like a big subject.  
Love, is big.  

Personally, I find that I can give love, I just don't know how to accept love back.  At least this is how I feel. I can give love in certain situations; I do love my children, my siblings, my nieces and nephews, my students, my job, my pets, etc.   The one person I have trouble loving...myself.  

On-line advice suggests to love yourself first.  Coincidentally, my therapist told me this same thing when she was in my life!  That sounds a bit narcissistic to me.  In order to really love, I must forgive. Forgiving oneself is hard.   

This year I will forgive myself.  

I realize the past is the past.  

I did the best I could at that time.  

I do not regret loving.

I am ready to truly love me.  

I am a happy person.  I am happy with how my life is turning out.  

The next step for me is to forgive me.  

It would be nice to have that DIY right about now.  As with all things in life, this is a process, and I must go through all the stages/steps.  (NOTE: There are lots of on-line sources detailing how to forgive yourself...NOT linking to any.) 

It's easier to forgive someone else, than it is to forgive oneself.  

Self-forgiveness...have I mentioned this is hard? 

I am guilty of not thinking of myself enough.  

So starts my process...  

I love writing, but I have not made my time to write a priority.  

About six months ago I changed that, I now carve out time weekly to write.  

I love music...all kinds.  

I have made a point of seeing artists I want to see, when I want to see them.   

It was AMAZING to see Ed Sheeran live last July.  

Straight No Chaser is a December must do for me.  

Expressing myself through dance is something else I have always wanted to do.  

I spent years and years being on the sidelines as my daughter danced.  I did not want to be a ballerina.  I did want to feel the rhythm of the music fill my soul, 

to twist and to turn, 

to glide and to sway.  

I have musicality.  

I want to be connected to another, as we both feel the music pulse through our veins.  

I do not have aspirations to be a world famous dancer. 

However, I do aspire to share the language of music and dance.  

I love sharing time with my friends!  

Again, who knew I had so many friends?  I did.  I just didn't allow myself the time to share with them.  Breakfasts, dinners, trivia nights, dancing, game playing, book clubs, texting, chatting on the phone, planning weekend get-togethers...the list is broad and endless.  

My breakfast buddy!  We have a few favorite spots in town.

************

I typically write on Saturday nights.  

Yesterday I had errands, and didn't get to my spot until late.  My mind was filled with thoughts, but I didn't get all I wanted out of my brain. Pressure!  My blogging spot was closing for the night.    

I was also feeling stuck in my thoughts.  

...and then today...

I found that DIY/How to manual on love in a place I hadn't expected.  

While sitting in church, a familiar reading started...

1 Corinthians 13New International Version 

13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

------

My priest's lesson went on to say that one needs to forgive in order to experience love.  'Forgiving oneself is similar to a having a surgeon remove a tumor.  You know you will be better off without the tumor in your body, but it is hard to let it go because it has been a piece of you, and quite possibly you nurtured it.  Still, in order to be completely healed you MUST let it go.'  

I understand the analogy.  I'm thinking of trying to come up with an analogy the suits me better. Still, I get the message.  Once I forgive myself, I can work on trusting again.  Allowing myself to be vulnerable means I will risk being hurt again.  Being loved and giving love is the greatest gift we as humans can offer one another.  

~Lisa Kroll 

2016  

forgiving myself 

discovering what I love  

learning to trust again

  

faith, hope, love

Blogging Music:  25 by Adele