Untethered....

Loose strings...Don't pull, cut them!  That's the rule.  If one pulls a loose thread, the edge of whatever the thread is attached to will unravel. Then what?  The edge may slowly, or quickly, fray.  

On the other hand, when given a helium-filled balloon, one holds tightly to the string.  Sometimes, the string is circled around, and around something, before being tied securely, and anchored down.  Time and again, strings for balloons work their way lose.  They either aren't secured properly, or they slip through fingers, whose owner was sure they had a tight grip.  Once untethered, helium-filled balloons drift, higher and higher.  It is believed they reach a certain height and then explode, shattering into many tiny shards, before returning to Earth.  

Lately, I have felt untethered.  When my marriage ended, I was left with most of the responsibilities we had shared together.  A major part included the family pets.  One was a diabetic and needed shots twice a day.  Never mind the cost of her medicine and needles, she required a lot of time management. I was tied to her by time constraints.  The other responsibility was the family dog who was 14-years old.  The typical lifespan of his breed is 10-12 years, which makes me realize he had a purpose for coming into our family. Dogs can't be left for days without human interaction.  He needed companionship, food, fresh water, and walking.  So did I.  I was tied to being home for him each night. New, to the full-time work force, and as a first year teacher, I couldn't spend as many long hours as I would have liked working in my classroom.  I'm sure that was a blessing in disguise. The end of my family pet responsibilities happened when both had their lives come to an end, within three months of one another.  The emotional fallout from their loss is still with me. It's only been a few months.  Sitting near Lily as she took her last breath in September has seared a spot in my brain, and on my heart.  I had no partner to be by my side.  For better or worse... I had to do that night alone.  I am capable.  I can do alone, and I did.  In early December, Winston started having troubles.  He was a large dog, and Lily's passing was so fresh in my brain...I knew I couldn't handle him dying at home.  Again, I had no partner to help make that decision.  I had to do that night alone too.  I am capable.  I can do alone, and I did, again.  But something broke in me that night.  The ties to my past life were suddenly gone.  I was set free.  I am untethered.  I am drifting.  I wonder if balloons can look down and see the beauty beneath them? Actually, I wonder if there is beauty below?  I search the Internet, I see pictures from satellites of planet Earth...Is that beauty an illusion?   I am not seeing the beauty yet beneath my untethered self. 

When a person is married, there are constraints.  Expectations.  Roles to be filled.  Different people perform different roles.  As I grew up, I believed the roles to be more defined.  Nowadays, the roles are neither defined nor are they gender specific.  I believe marriages today need to be more like partnerships. I don't believe my ex and I were very good examples of a true partnership. There was give, and there was take.  But there was not real give-and-take. Narcissists are incapable of giving without taking.  I look at my adult children and know they will find someone to share their lives.  They will likely grow with that person. At least that is my hope. I hope they form wonderful partnerships. I know, that won't happen for me at this stage. I think at my age, I'm not sure I can grow with anyone. I am fairly well defined as a person. I am more than capable.  I can do alone. I am responsible. I can take care of myself. I can pay my mortgage and bills. I can cook for one, although I have experience cooking for many.  I can manage my yard. I can work full time. I can go wherever I want: traveling, the movies... whenever I want... and I can do it by myself. I don't need to be taken care of.  I can solve my own problems, although I am grateful that I have friends I can call when I need.  Calling on others for help is not something I am used to doing.  For 27 years, when I showed weakness...and needing help was weakness...I was made to feel there was something pathetic about me.  So, my being able to ask for help...that's a big deal.  

Untethered.  Will I drift higher and higher until I shatter into a million little pieces?  What will happen after that?  Is this the time when I need to embrace myself for whom I am?  Learn to love myself?  Give myself a break?  Oh, my heart is so broken.  Maybe it's all ready shattered.  I want to be brave and let someone else in to help me piece my heart back together. I need someone who is farther along on this journey.  I need someone to enter my life who has what I have, but maybe he has even more.  I need someone who has more to give; someone who enjoys the things I enjoy, and can offer me new experiences. I need that person to not only help me see the beauty, but want to experience that beauty with me by his side. Yes, I want to be swept off my feet. I want to be romanced. I want to be wowed, and wooed. I am drifting. I am not ready to shatter.  I've done old married couple, and I don't want to repeat my past. I'm not saying I don't ever want to be married again. I just know I need more now.  Looking back, I feel I let myself be made to play a certain role in my marriage, I was being put into a well-defined box.  I no longer see myself as fitting into any box.  As Laura Petrie found out when she opened a box delivered to her house, once out, it's hard to stuff something back into a container that is so confining.  (view video from 20:35, for fun.  From: The Curious Thing about Women episode of The Dick Van Dyke Show. Air date: January 10, 1962) 

If asked, my defense mechanism is to say that I've had my chance at love. My heart doesn't really believe that, but I am so scared of being hurt again.  Maybe, I'm just not healed enough yet. Time...please work your magic. I do feel very untethered right now, in this place and in this time.  

~Lisa Kroll

        untethered, wanderer, animal and nature loving, romantic, adventure seeking soul, who cannot be contained...still eating, praying and loving, but working on loving me these days as I continue to find my voice. 

lily

letting go

tonight

i sat

and stroked the head of our old, diabetic cat

i knew

her end was near

i cried

alone

i prayed

alone

i ran interference for my daughter
she didn't need to see this

so i did it

alone

the heavens above

released with me

phone calls made

daughter is in shock, but on her way over

she needs to say goodbye too

what do my daughter and i have to share now?

another tethering cord has been cut

i am numb

i can only listen to the rain

ten years

twice a day insulin shots

no more

lily is finally at rest

Old Music...Person B's Perspective: How Divorce Effects the Entire Family

There are some tasks that we just never take time to complete.  
Tasks that we think, some day I'll get to that.  

Christmas Night, 2015
I had my house all to myself.  

Divorce changes the holidays.  
I am no longer part of my in-laws celebrations.  Ties have been cut.  I am told that I will always be part of the family, but quite honestly, that's not true.  I have been set free.  If I am allowed to celebrate, it is at a separate time.  
Changes.  
New traditions? 
Possibly. 

My Christmas stocking no longer hangs on the fireplace at the house next door.  
No longer will I be asked to contribute to making food for the feast.  
Touches of me remain however.  Ornaments I made by hand are still put up on the tree.  Decorations I purchased sit around the room.  But physically, I am not there.  I sit next door.  Alone.  Contemplating my solitude.  
I am good.  And I AM mentally good.  

In a divorce the couple, whose marriage is ending, must process the changes.  Usually one of those two people (person A) is farther along in the process.  They are typically the person who files and hands the other person (person B) their dismal papers.  Consequently, person B may be at a disadvantage, they need to catch up with the emotions that spill out.  Maybe they were blindsided.  Maybe they assumed what was happening was just a normal part of a long time marriage, as children age and leave the nest. 

Regardless, the emotional playing field is not equal.   There are five stages of grief that, even in the death of a marriage, person B must go through.  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.  

Having experienced the great loss of holding my mom's hand as she took her last breath after her seven month battle with Glioblastoma Multiforme (GBM), stage four brain cancer, I am well aware of these stages.  These stages do not necessarily come and visit in a set order.  Nor do they visit just once and leave.  

I am hoping that I am nearing the stage of Acceptance.  My ex has certainly moved on.  I hear he's applied for a marriage license, just six months after our divorce, and he's buying a nice big house for his new "family".  I've also heard he has been telling others that he socked away money while we were married.  Hmm.  What a catch!  

The Anger Stage.  I have recently been visiting here again.  I'm not angry with what I am going through.  Quite the opposite.  In fact, I am grateful for the me that I have allowed to surface again.  I really like me.  I won't brag, but I have found there isn't anything I can't do when I put my mind to it.  I have also discovered the vast number of friends I have.  In the "olden days", I was told I called too many people my friend.  HAHAHAHA!!!!!  Never!  Oh, I still have moments when loneliness strikes.  Being alone is easy, being lonely, not so much.  No holding this girl down though.  I was reminded at Christmas with this Superwoman key chain gift.  

I am in the Anger stage for my children.  I feel my children are being discarded.  They no longer offer any thing person A can use, or benefit from.  They are adults.  No longer are they cute little children who turn to their parents for every little thing.  No longer do they laugh at all jokes.  No longer do they put their parents up on the pedestals that young children do.  They cannot be told 'go to bed', 'be home by...', 'No', 'because I said so", etc.  They are ready to move forward and be their own people, as they should.  They have opinions.  They question.  They have started to experience life.  

What I know... is that children, no matter how old, need to believe the best in their parents.  They want to be loved.  They want to know they can count on their parents/guardians/grandparents for unconditional love.

Divorce causes children to be forced to experience the stages of grief as well. I wish I could protect my children from this.  I have not been able to step aside in this process and ask them how they are doing.  I just haven't been able to be that strong.  I was broken myself.  Maybe now as I am feeling Acceptance upon me, I am able to see what my own two children have had to deal with.  I am so sorry for them.  Everything they believed about their childhood has been pulled out from under them. The foundation they once thought was so strong has been shattered.  All I can offer them is my love, my acceptance and my unconditional love.  

By the forward relationships they have with person A and person B, they get to continue to form their own opinions.  They get to discover truths on their own.  Life is made up of constant change.  How we handle that change defines us as individuals.  

Last night (Christmas night) I meant to blog.  Instead, I did one of those tasks I would someday get to...I listened to all the unnamed tracks on my iTunes list.  A simple little job, but one my precious time is never allowed to get to.  All tracks have been named!  My discovery?  I have a nice collection of Madonna's music.  

So tonight, I am one strong woman listening to another strong woman, knowing I helped create two strong children.  My children are the best parts of both of their parents.  Of course I'm positive they have 51% of their mom in them.  

~Lisa Scubelek-Kroll

blogging music tonight:  All Madonna...Vogue, Cherish, Crazy For You, Justify My Love, La Isla Bonita, Like a Prayer, Like a Virgin, Live to Tell, Material Girl, Open Your Heart, Papa Don't Preach, Express Yourself

T Minus 5 Days and Counting....

Almost time for an adventure to begin.

Changes...

...life is filled with change.  

Are you ready to hear what is going on with me?  

Stay tuned!  

~Hootie

Love is in the Air...today...

I found this deflated balloon in the woods this morning.

I do feel that love is in the air every day.  But today, I feel it weighing heavy on my heart.

Like millions of others, I rose early this morning to watch the Royal Wedding.    I recalled sitting with my mom in 1981 watching Diana and Charles get married.  I was alone today.   Neither of my children nor my husband joined me.  I live with a bunch of unromantic souls.

I didn't mind watching the wedding by myself.  Kate and William's love for one another showed clearly in their smiles.  The beauty of their event made me very happy too.  After my family went off to school and work, I took Winston out for our morning walk.  Walks with Winston mean alone time for me and sometimes too much alone time can be dangerous.  My mind quickly wandered to a pair of my elder neighbors.

Sunday was Easter.  Mr. & Mrs. L have been married for 63 years.  Mrs. L lives in the house they had built forty-some years ago at the end of my street.  Her husband lives in a nearby retirement center.  He's been away from his house for two years now due to healthy conditions requiring more hands on care than she can handle by herself.  Most recently he had suffered a stroke (last October, his second one) and lost his vision as a result.  At 9:40 pm Sunday night, Mrs. L called me.  She had just received a call from the retirement center saying her husband fell and they felt he needed to be checked out at the hospital.  Mrs. L needed a ride.  She's comfortable driving during the day but it was dark now.

Within 20 minutes I had her at the ER and we waited for Mr. L. to arrive...it was now 10pm.  I don't have a very clear timeline on what all happened next, but Mrs. L and myself went back to see Mr. L after he arrived.  We sat in chairs at the foot of his bed and were trying to evaluate his situation.  Did he break anything?  Was he just being dramatic?    Was he just needing attention?  How was his mind?  Did he hurt anything else?  We would need to wait for a doctor to come in and then Mr. L would go off the have x-rays taken.  He might have broken his hip and that would need to be ruled out first.

Mrs. L told Mr. L that she had a friend with her.  Not being able to see, Mr. L asked if it was Norma (I think) and she responded, "No, it's Lisa."  No last name, just it's Lisa.  Within a minute Mr. L asked about Winston.  It is my opinion that his mind was clear!  I have known this couple for over 25 years.  We've shared picnics and holidays.  Mr. L was my biggest cheerleader when I made my decision to be a staying-at-home mom with my children.  He made me feel like he admired my choice.

While we waited on the doctor, Mr. & Mrs. L and I chatted about how things were; what happened mostly and where did it hurt.  We also talked about some audio books that Mrs. L had signed Mr. L up to receive for free through the Library of Congress.  He was most recently listening to a book about Winston Churchill!  The longer we waited, the more impatient Mrs. L was becoming...where was THAT doctor!  She would go and check every 10 minutes or so.  Mr. L and I had a chance to chat privately.  I asked about his day because I had all ready heard about it from Mrs. L.  Their day had been shared with their son and filled with two church services, a new pastor, chatting with friends who hadn't been seen in some time, lunch out and dinner back at the retirement center.  Both Mr. and Mrs. L had privately told me how wonderful the day had been and how beautiful was the music at church.  During one of our alone moments, Mr. L asked me, "Who are those people?" and he pointed just past my left side.  I turned to look around the curtain that divides the small room.  The door was closed and I reminded myself he was blind.  "Which people?"  "Those people.  Are they are people from Meadowood?"  No one was there and I couldn't hear anyone either.  "I think it's people from the hospital", I told him and the moment was dismissed.  A few minutes later, Mrs. L came back with the doctor.  Mr. L was accessed and would need to go for x-rays.   Another 10 minutes and Mr. L was rolled away.  Just a minute before Mr. L returned, the doctor came into the room and told us the news.  Mr. L had broken his right hip and it would require surgery.  

When Mr. L returned though, he seemed to be in a very deep sleep.  He was snoring very loudly and actually his breathing seemed noisy...wet.  The nurses hooked him back up to the monitors and immediately things were not okay.  His blood pressure was VERY, VERY low.  They grabbed the doctor, who wanted an IV of fluids started.  Within 30 minutes I could tell that wasn't working.  A drug was administered through the IV with hopes that it would regulate Mr. L's BP.  It did.  Mr. L would need to go have a CT scan of his belly area to see if there was any internal bleeding happening.  Then Mr. L was being moved up to ICU.  Before things started seeming NOT okay to me, Mrs. L was trying to get me to go home.  She said she be fine and she'd call on someone else to take her home.  As IF I would leave her!!!  I think being with both my step-dad and my mom at their ends of life some how made the unconscious part of my being say DO NOT LEAVE!

It was just before midnight when we had the last conversations with Mr. L.  He became unresponsive...not even responding to pain stimuli.  He was moved to ICU at about 3-ish, and we saw the next doctor just after 4.  He explained that they just didn't know why what was happening was happening.  They would need time to run blood tests to check for infections, and to be able to tell if he'd had a heart attack.  Mr. L's ekg was different than it had been earlier in the evening.  Without the medication in his body to regulate his BP, Mr. L's BP would drop again.  I watched his numbers get as low as 55/35.  A CT scan of his brain would need to happen too as well as an MRI.  Satisfied there was nothing else we could find out or do over the next few hours, Mrs. L and I were ready to head home.  That was 4:45 am.  I made her go back in to say goodbye to Mr. L and give him a kiss.
          *****
I stopped by Mrs. L's house last night and chatted with her son and daughter before she came out.  The results of the MRI show hundreds of blood clots in Mr. L's brain and no more brain activity.  Today they were going to abide my Mr. L's living will wishes.

Mrs. L said to me the other night, "I didn't expect things to be like this.  I'm not really sure what I expected.  Maybe for us to just walk off together."

So although I feel the beautiful love surrounding Kate and William today as they start their new life together as husband and wife, I also am feeling the beautiful love of another couple.  Beginnings are filled with love and so are endings.

*****     *****     *****
Thank you readers for bearing with my emotions today.  On top of noting the above, it was almost exactly 5 years ago that my mom was diagnosed with her brain cancer.  If you've read my experiences from before than you know I do believe in spirits.  Reflecting back onto Sunday night,  I think there were some spirits in the ER room with Mr. L.  I am honored that I was asked to help Mrs. L that night.  I know many others would have done exactly what I did.

The Gnomes in my Home

This gnome in the middle is Pawley.  He's named for Pawley's Island, SC and was created by Tom Clark.  I think I have 29 of Mr. Clark's creations adorning my shelves.  I have collected them for years, but really love TC gnomes with shells as their theme.  A few in my collection came from my Grams.  Long before she passed away she decided she was going to die and needed to clean house.  She really never made a dent in her "stuff" but that is probably common for most people!  

Pawley came from my husband's aunt's house.  She passed away last December, just after we saw her at Thanksgiving.  I have wonderful memories of her, especially when I see Pawley.  She was a beach lover too and we spent many vacations together...several shopping at Pawley's Island!  

Last weekend I tried to go through some boxes of my own "stuff."  How does one part with old photos of family?  Love letters of their parents? And trinkets that are powerful reminders of lost ones?  For me...I put the lids back on the boxes, enjoyed the reminiscing, and decided that another time I'll maybe part with my "stuff"...maybe.  :)

Farewell to a Fine Four-legged Friend!

As my daughter just woke up and came downstairs, our psycho cat, Lily jumped to her feet and ran to greet her.  Sweet little meows, tail held high curving slightly at the tip, and a tiny rub on my daughters leg saying, 'Good Morning'.  It reminded me of how much love a pet can give to humans.  Even psycho animals give love!  But I am saddened  today because I received an e-mail from a friend who shared that they had to put their dog down.  He had a tumor on his shoulder and a carcinoma that was attacking his liver.  The poor guy was in serious pain.  

In 2004, I had to put my cat Ashley of almost 17 years to sleep.  Old age was tough on her and her body was failing terribly.  I cried for days.  It was a year later that I got my current baby, Jack.  He was two when he came into my life.  We've had Lily since 2002, but her psycho ways didn't heal my broken heart.  My husband and I got Ashley just before we were married, so we'd had her forever.  The void the loss of a pet creates can be hard to fill.  

Most nights now at about 10 pm, Jack comes to find me.  He's ready for bed.  He likes to sleep on our bed at night snuggled on my feet.  If I am reading a book or on the computer, Jack likes to get between me and whatever is keeping my attention off of him.  

Good bye Highway.  You will be deeply missed, but not forgotten!  

My Tribute to the King of Pop!

This photo was taken back in the spring of 1985.  It's from my dorm room...can you guess where I went to school?...and this is my baby sister.  She was just four and a half at the time.  

*****

It's amazing how much a person can touch others lives.  

I watched the memorial to MJ today while I walked on my treadmill.  After 80 minutes and 4.5 miles I needed to rest my tootsies.  While I watched the end of the memorial I went through my old photos, the ones sitting in a plastic box!  (Unprotected and edges curling!)  I was recalling this photo.  I am glad it wasn't too hard to locate.  

Rest in peace MJ.  You certainly inspired me!  I'm sure your legacy will live on forever.  

Shock at the Disappearing Icons!

I am in shock thinking that Michael Jackson AND Farrah Fawcett are both gone.  

Say what you may about Farrah, I loved her!  She was so beautiful.  When she was on Charlies Angels I wanted to be her character.  I had the Farrah hair do.  Shoot, I still have feathered hair because of her!  What a horrible end of life she had.  Does anyone really need to go through what cancer has to offer?  I think not.  I am glad she is at peace and I hope her suffering has raised awareness to the fact that so much more needs to be done to find a cause for all the different kinds of cancer there are in the world.  

And darn that Michael Jackson!  Why couldn't he die on this own day!  I don't want people to forget Farrah.  

I was born in that same Gary, Indiana hospital as MJ.  I grew up in that area and can recall hearing him on the car radio singing Rockin' Robin and ABC.  He was only five years older than me.  In the 80's I knew all the words to the entire Thriller album!  I had a cassette and wore it out!  And dancing...well, who didn't dance when they heard Michael's music?  Seriously, he totally inspired everyone to get on their feet.  I cannot believe he is gone.  

Whatever happened in his personal life, happened.  I am fascinated by the stories.  But I am so sorry for the loss.  I hope he is at peace too.  At least his death will stop the stories from continuing.  How sad for his family.  Maybe he's hosting a party for Farrah today.  Wouldn't that be fun?  I'm envious thinking that my parents are probably there!  

R.I.P. Farrah and Michael!    

Still dealing...

I realize I am still dealing with my mom's death, almost 2 1/2 years later.  

I was listening to my favorite Public Radio Station late on Monday afternoon.  I heard a comment about their weekly piece called This I Believe.  It caught my attention because I recall hearing the original piece back in early December of 2006.  It would have been just after my mom had passed away...and it touched my soul then.  

The piece was about the lady who authored that December 4, 2006 segment, Catherine Royce, she passed away on March 30, 2009.  Ms. Royce had been diagnosed with ALS and in her This I Believe she talked about the disease taking over her body and the active choices she could make.  Click here to listen to her 2006 comments: Catherine Royce, I Always Have a Choice

I felt a mix of emotions on Monday.  I do miss my parents more than I think I should.  I am an adult after all and have been on my own for many years, with my OWN family to boot.  I think I am jealous because living right next to my in-laws my husband can go over and see his parents whenever he wants; everyday.  After my husband came home from work that day, he went and saw his mom and dad for a few minutes.  It was in those few minutes that I heard the NPR piece.  As jealous as I am/was, I felt proud too; proud of my own mom.  I think she made some very good choices as her life ended, and I was honored to be able to have been with her for so much of the end.  Maybe we helped make those choices for her.  

Still, I cry...but life continues.  

Thank you NPR for connecting me to the rest of the world.  

Mixed emotions....Doing the right thing...

I find a lump in my throat right now as I watch my elderly, dementia laden neighbor leaving his house.  His son is in the unfortunate position of making a good choice for his dad.  I've been in those shoes before...it's not an enviable position.  Last Sunday several areas in our community lost power due to Ike's force.  I was not one of those unfortunate few, but across the street they did lose power.  It may be Saturday before it's back up.  My neighbor has had a generator his son set up to keep the basics in his house working.  He also has round-the-clock help.  There comes a point though where what one is doing is just not enough, the right thing and swallowing your pride join up.  I think I just witnessed that across the street.  

My own FIL went to bid farewell to his friend.  My FIL and MIL are a few of the people who this dementia brained friend still recall.  I remained a chicken, peeking from my window, fighting back tears for this scene I was watching.  My friend just left with his dad for a nearby retirement village.  

I was planning on making cookies and walking some across the street to my neighbor.  Now I'll have a little farther to go.  

Life.  Death.  The transition in between.  Balance can be hard to find emotionally.  

1372 Leeward Road, LOFS

written on June 15, less than two hours until it officially left our family....

In less than one hour you will belong to someone new. I remember seeing you as a new born - or even earlier! Just a bare piece of field land...that's what you were. Just north of us was a horse farm - boy were the flies thick in the summer, and huge too! Sometimes the few cow that lived north would get free and roam the golf course, they sure loved that special grass! I remember the call mom received from Karen next door, "Pen, do you see what I see?"

I remember the construction equipment that knocked down your weeds. It exposed your rich soil and made piles that were excellent for a young boy and girl to ride their bikes over.

I remember every stage of your growth. From the basement and foundation being poured to framing, to duct work, electrical and plumbing work to drywall being installed. I remember dreaming with my brother - "here's where my room will be" and walking through the framed walls.

Every day during your creation I remember riding my bike from the campground with my brother to check on your progress after school. Darn that winter though, no bikes, early darkness and we needed mom or dad to drive us to see you.

We moved in the spring of 1975. I was in the 5th grade and due to turn 11 in just a few days. I had the first slumber party on your floor in the living room. There were probably 10 girls in a circle giggling and happy.

I remember when our family grew. Hearing the news of our new baby around your kitchen table. What a conversation THAT was. After that a "new" bedroom was added downstairs. The baby would be upstairs...Next to ME!!! I was so happy.

I remember listening to the police scanner all the time. Our parents were volunteers in the Fire Dept. and for the Emergency Response Team. I don't recall us having more than 13 channels on our TV - Either cable didn't reach Four Seasons or our parents couldn't afford that luxury...maybe it was both things. So the scanner was entertainment. Plus there were so few houses here at the time. I recall it being us, the Sexton's, Noonan's, Lazar's, Derdowski's, Luke's, Schoon's, and the Blair's. Just a few other houses were nearby too. We kids would play Frisbee or freeze tag out back on the edge of the golf course and it would drive Mr. Blair insane! Mr. Schoon let me fish off his pier or set sail at his house whenever I wanted.

In the summer Tuesday mornings were Junior Golf Days. Everyone took lessons and played. We'd all ride our bikes to the pool most afternoons. What a great community to live in.

I do recall sadness here though too. Lots of fire calls dad would go on - not too many total house fires, but enough. Several emergency runs mom would go on. If they involved a child and she went out at night she was sure to come home and wake me just to hug me and hold me tight. Two incidents I particularly recall involve when a good friend of mine had a 16 year old brother who shot and killed himself - in the mouth right through his head. That was really tough on mom. The second tough run was when a kid we knew got into a really bad motorcycle accident. I can't remember his name now, but I know it was Mike K. He didn't die. He did go through years of recovery. He stayed close to mom and eventually grew up to become an EMT-A himself.

I remember seeing the body of a high-school kid being pulled from the big lake, by the pool. Our parents made a bunch of us watch as a lesson not to swim where we weren't allowed. His body was white and bloated. That imagine along with the feeling of the cold muck that goes between your toes when you step into the lake has been enough to scar me for life. I don't swim in lakes.

I did sail my sailboat on them though. I remember the 4th of July in 1976 sailing with my dad on the big lake. The wind was strong and the boat flipped. I was wearing a preserver, but my dad wasn't. He didn't know how to swim. I was so scared. I lost my glasses and I was worried about my dad. I can't recall if that was before or after I saw the body being pulled from the lake. I do remember my dad and I holding on to the boat and him trying to calm me down. He didn't panic like me. He calmly said, "Lisa, you've done this before. Tell me what we have to do to right the boat." He gave me something else to focus on. He told everyone when we made it back to shore how smart and brave I was.

My emotions are really hard to control as I am writing this. I am mourning your loss dear house... and I know you are just a house...how silly I am. Three minutes until closing starts. I am glad I am not there. I am sitting in the dining room right now. To my right is the extra lot my parents owned. It's lush and green. Tall trees cover it now. Again, it was a bare farm field when we first met. I ate cherries from two trees for breakfast and snacked on super sweet mulberries. It a far cry from the field lot it use to be.

Last night I realized that half of all the people who have ever lived in this house are dead. Dad built you and then 14 years later he died in bed. He was very happy here. And although we lost him here, it has always been a place full of good memories. I got dressed with my bridesmaids in this house. All my pre-wedding pictures were taken here.

I am recalling proms and homecomings, graduations and baby showers, birthdays and holidays, funerals and sad times, tornado storms and winter blizzards. Your walls have remained strong.
You have helped give us the extra strong foundation our family needed. You're the last common, solid thing which binds my siblings and I together.

Mom couldn't die here...your steps were too much for her. But she did get home to take a few last baths here. Thank you house for giving her that simple pleasure.

I know my home is no longer here. I slept for the last time in my old bedroom...with my own children near by.

I miss my mom and dad. I'll miss this old house. But I will cherish every memory I've been given.

Thank you house.

Paranormal Activity, Spirits visit us and What time is dinner in Heaven?

On November 10th, my mom suffered a very long seizure in relationship to her brain cancer. It started at about 4 pm and lasted until about 6pm. She was given valium to try to help relax her. Our hired helper, Follie, had instructions from Hospice. My sister showed up shortly after the seizure started, she was there with her father-in-law for the evening. He's from VA and wanted to visit with mom.

Mom wouldn't look at Bean and she wouldn't talk, or couldn't. Hard to tell. I was on the phone with Bean a lot of the time offering my opinions about things. Mom had told both of us that she wanted to stay at home, not go back to the hospital. We were hoping the valium would work that was in the "care kit" from hospice. If we ran out and she wasn't responding we'd have to send mom to the Hospice House for as bit so they could help manage this situation.

fortunately the at-home meds worked. Bean went home for the night and I made plans to come the next day.

I arrived Saturday, Nov. 11, late morning. Mom was still having lots of small seizures on her right side. I didn't realize what they were at first. It took a visit from the hospice nurse to enlighten me. She called them baby seizures. Mom had not eaten or drank anything since Friday morning. She couldn't swallow her pills. We needed to start giving her her anti-seizure meds via rectum. Not fun, glad we hired Follie so we could let her "do the dirty work".

Mom was fairly unresponsive on Sat. & Sun. I didn't even think she knew I was there. It was so hard to tell. I held her hand a lot, stroked her cheek and told her I loved her again and again. My Aunt Pam arrived from Virginia on Sunday early afternoon. Bean was able to come back on Sunday evening. Mom seemed to "wake up" once Eileen arrived. She started to try to talk a little. We all got very excited. We called all mom's brothers and put the phone to her ear so they could talk to her. Then we called our brother and had him talk to mom too. I had called him several hours earlier and asked him if he was sure he didn't want to be with us. He assured me he couldn't go through this again. He said he was fine staying away. When we called him to have him talk to mom I confessed to my Aunt and sister that I had all ready called Larry and asked if he didn't want to come. I also told them his answer. My Aunt got on the phone, told Larry she didn't think mom would make it through the night and he needed to get there. He arrived at 1am.

Shortly after he arrived the power went out at the house. It was out for two hours. That wasn't so bad except that mom was on a microfiber air mattress bed. It deflated quickly. We checked on her every 15 minutes. She slept through it all. Just before the power came back on we tried to go back to sleep. I was sleeping in the recliner by mom, AP was on the floor on cushions and Grams was on the couch. Larry was on a couch in another room and Bean was in the back bed, as was Follie - in her own room and bed. AP and I head someone talking just before the power came back on . I told her I thought it was Grams talking in her sleep and she was saying "I love you". The next day AP told me that's not what she heard. She heard, "I am the holy spirit."

Mom did make it through the night. She also made it through another 10 days. She went 12 days total without food or water. It was very hard to watch her waste away. My brother did not stay past Tuesday of that week. He could not handle it. My Aunt and I were there for the whole time. We needed to be there for Grandma. Bean was back and forth, she did have to work a bit.

During the next 10 days many unexplained things did happen. Mom told us on that first Sun, Nov. 12, that she saw my dad and Art but not Grandpa, her dad. She told us it wasn't time for her to go yet. We thought she left us on two or three occasions. She told us, Bean, Larry and me that we scared her all being together. Previously she had said that she knew Larry would only come visit her if she was dying. Bean and I blamed her fear on him! He deserved the blame, he couldn't mentally come and be with her like we could. We understood, but it still made us mad and sad. Bean and I were fine with Larry leaving. During the next days we tried rotating who was at home. We'd announce who was going out, who was staying, when "the coast was clear". We all knew mom was dying and felt she was waiting for something. Did certain people need to be there or away? We kept telling her we loved her and it was all right if she needed to go. We wanted her to be at peace. We told her she was a great mom, friend, daughter, etc. We told her we'd miss her, but we'd always have her in our hearts. We tried toasting mom, we told fun stories from her past and talked about what she had accomplished in her life. We did make funeral plans. We planned the church service, picked out flowers, worked on her obit and picked out her outfit. Morbid? Probably. Necessary? Absolutely. The "we" who toasted and laughed with mom were Bean, AP(mom's sister), Aunt Tammy(mom's sister-in-law) Grams, Follie, Carol (Dad's cousin), Colleen (Carol's daughter) and Angie (long time neighbor and friend). There was a lot of female bonding that happened. We laughed and cried together. We drank wine, mud slides and ate ice cream together. We all hugged on mom A LOT! In fact one of the hospice nurses told us that maybe we were being too encouraging to mom. She politely told us we stimulating mom too much. After day 10 we 'low-keyed' things more. The lights were turned lower and we were much more quiet. We tried not to touch mom when she was sleeping. Letting go is very hard for the living and the dying.

More paranormal things happened...

One night the TV turned on and off by itself. It was the night we were toasting mom. Grams turned to me and asked why I turned on the TV. I pointed out that the remote was about four feet away from me, and everyone else for that matter, and that I didn't turn on the TV. I did pick up the remote and turn towards the TV only to have it go off BY ITSELF! We all looked at each other and said, "Art is here!" It was creepy, but good at the same time. When I was sleeping I felt someone pull on my upper arm three times. It was like they were trying to get me up. No one was around me. All in the house were asleep. AP and I heard three voices whispering by mom one night...Not just one single voice. We were sleeping just 10 feet away! I could feel the hairs o my arms raising up a lot. It was actually a very comforting feeling. At my mom's house, which is just two miles from Grams, the TV in Art's former bedroom kept going on and off my itself when Bean and I would be over there. We'd just start talking out loud to Art. We'd keep telling him that he needed to come and get mom. We were going to be okay.

On Sunday morning, November 19th, mom woke up at about 10:30 and she seemed very alert and clear. She was counting, "50, 51, 52, 52, 52, 53, 54, 55, 55, 55, 56, 57. 57." I asked her 57 what? She looked at me and said, "57 people." She had only been barely answering our questions lately. She hadn't started any conversations in weeks. Just eight weeks ago or so I was at physical therapy with her and she couldn't count to 5. I asked her where the 57 people were and she said, "Here. 57 people are here." I asked her if they were people or angels? She looked puzzled and didn't answer me. I asked her if I would know them. She told me, "I don't think so." I asked her if my dad, her first husband was here? She looked around and smiled and said, "yes, he's here." I did get excited and said, "mom, I know dad!" I asked if Art was there and my Grandpa, her second husband and dad. Again she looked around and said yes. I told her that grandma would be pleased that Grandpa finally showed up. Truthfully, I was thinking he'd been down in hell, he was that sort of guy! I also asked mom if she was waiting for Grandma to go to heaven (emotionally this has all been really hard on Grams). Mom looked at me and said, "No, It's not her time." I asked her if it was her time and she said, "Almost". My cousin's wife was there and she said, "Aunt Penny, will you tell my mom and brother I said hi?" And my mom looked at her and said, "I will tell them at dinner."

On September 27th, my sister and her husband celebrated their third wedding anniversary apart. Bean was with mom when she got the sad news that her cancer was back.

On November 22nd, I was with my mom celebrating my own wedding anniversary. Twenty years. The night before I called my husband and I told him I really needed him and the kids to come north. After school on Wednesday he loaded up our 12 and 14 year old and they were on their way to see me. I had been away from them for two and a half weeks. I thought I was only going to be gone for one night.

My mom passed away with my sister and I holding her hand and telling her we loved her. We reassured her it was okay to go. We would never forget her. We kissed her cheeks and cried. Follie was with us too. Nearby were Grams, mom's sister Pam, brother Mike, his wife, Theresa, Bean's husband was there putting their son down for the night. My husband and children arrived just five minutes later. Perfect timing? I think so. On Tuesday, November 7th I had brought my kids north to spend the day with my mom. She had only been staying awake for 15 minutes at a time. When she knew my kids were there she stayed awake for over three hours. We had a great day and visit. On the way home my daughter thanked me for driving them up. I am glad my kids got a chance to see mom's bright eyes on that Tuesday. They could feel her love for them in her look.

It's been two an a half weeks since mom has been gone. I seem okay during the days. At night when I try to go to sleep I cry. I do miss her. I just can't believe that she and Art are both gone. He was only 58, and she 64.

Life is interesting how quickly it can change. I missed my dad a lot too. He's been gone for 21 years now. I feel that I did get to 'feel' his presence in the past month. I also know he and mom will see me again in heaven someday, a long time from now! I know mom is at peace and enjoying herself with dad and Art. Who could ask for anything more?