How to Heal...

Gosh, I wish there was an instruction book for this. 

I am currently dealing with an ear infection.  It is s-l-o-w to heal.  I did one round of a Z-Pak, called the doctor because I felt it wasn't working on day five, and they told me to be patient.  

Hey, I have a joke for you.  
I'll be Person A (PA), you can be Person B (PB).  

PA:  Knock, Knock
PB: Who's there? 
PA: Impatient Cow. 
PB: Impa...
PA: MOO!  

This is not a new realization: I am tolerant, but I am not a very patient person.  

I have been without my hearing in my left ear for over a week.  Today is day 10.  I feel it is suddenly going to come back any minute, or in an hour, but I have felt like this for the past three days.  I am tired of not being able to hear.  I can handle being sick, but not hearing....ugh. 

When my dad died back in 1985, I thought my family would never heal from that loss.  We did though.  Time seems to have a magical power.  With time, one is allowed to put distance between the hurt and reality; so one can deal with the stressors.  Time doesn't make it, the thing that caused the pain go away.  Wouldn't THAT be wonderful! Instead, time allows the stages of grief to progress.  Time allows healing to take place, so one can rationally accept how life plays out.  Time allows us to deal with pain and loss, and take away lessons.  In the same way, time is needed for a body to heal from illness. I know my mind needs to relax.  I am sitting in a holding pattern right now.  Clearance to land, has not yet been granted.  

My divorce has hurt my soul more than I'd like.  I wish I could just heal all ready from that.  I don't want to be angry.  I don't want to be sad.  I don't want to feel so alone.  But, I also don't want to forget.  I don't want to be hurt again.  I want to be confident and secure with myself.  I want to feel like someone another might want to hang out and be seen with, and share time.  I feel I don't have many friends who are single and my age.  I am living with the 'odd man out' feeling.  I am aware of not being invited to do things, I mean really, who wants to have the divorced woman sitting there?  Awkward.  I get it.  Conversations, both spoken and silent, become uncomfortable...'hey, Lisa, there's a guy for you.'  Funny, but not really.  I am sensitive to conversations.  When you hang out with married people, guess what gets talked about? I have no one to complain or brag about.  I go home to my cats.  Who wants to hear stories about my cat's antics all the time?  I love my pets, but I don't want to become a crazy cat lady.  When you hang out with single people, those conversations have a certain theme too.  Oh time, work your magic on me, please.   

Time does not heal.  It only offers spacial distance.  In order to truly heal, one needs to learn from the past, make changes, and be proactive.  Only then can one move forward.  This spring I am trying to make changes.  I need more friends.  Oxymoron, I know.  Social being needs more friends.  It's true.  I need more friends.  I need people in my life who want to do things.  I need to find souls who want to get out and have fun.  I am dying slowly each day just working and coming home, and being sick hasn't helped my state of mind.  I can easily be a work-a-holic, but I don't want to be.  I need to nourish the other parts that make up me.  I need to get out!  Being proactive, I have signed up for a class.  Learning and music are two things I enjoy.  In a few weeks, I'll start a five week class on the History of Jazz in my community.  I can't wait!  I am also looking seriously into joining a writing group.  

In the mean time, I turn the music up and dance like no one is watching!  Literally.  My custodian walked in on me last week one night after school.  He said, I guess you still can't and didn't hear me knocking.  He was right.  I kept dancing.  

And I will keep dancing....

~Lisa Kroll
      slowing healing, but healing.  
      turning the music up, and dancing.
      grateful for all I have, and smiling. 

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Blogging music:  I had my headphones in so I would look cool.  Ed was playing, after I tried listening to some new stuff on Spotify.  Honestly, I had Adagio for Strings (Samuel Barber) on my brain.  I heard it playing on the radio before I walked out the door.  The Dover Quartet was on A Prairie Home Companion - rebroadcast of Nov. 12, 2016. I am an NPR junkie.  What a beautiful, emotion filled song.  I also had the image of my ballerina and her friends dancing on stage to this song, with a single spot light shining on them from stage right.  Images are powerful.  Music triggers memories, and smiles.   

All Hail, the Queen...

The Queen

11/15/15

Away from home.  Alone.  Living life.  Learning.
Meeting new people.  Hearing stories of survival, healing and moving forward.  Witnessing a surprise.  Listening to my favorite music.  Solving car problems.  Smiling and saying hello to strangers...wondering what's their story.  Walking around a former familiar city.  Thinking.

So much strength.  I don't even realize what's inside of me.  The above is just from this last weekend.

In the past few weeks, I have felt very cynical.  It's not been a good feeling for me.  I don't wear it well.  I am a happy person.  But, I have felt that love is not something that will be a part of my life anymore.  Let me clarify...

I realize that love shows itself in many ways.

My students show me daily with their smiles, hugs, notes, and words that they love me.  Winston, Lily and Berlioz show me as well.  Winston nudges me with his head, but I think he might think I've forgotten he's my boy!  He barks to protect me, and tell me when I need to be on alert. Lily...well, maybe not Lily.  She's still upset that I brought a kitten home.  Berlioz, oh my...  He snuggles at night.  When I wake, he takes his little kitten nose, places it under mine and pushes before he gives me a little kitty kiss.  I am totally smitten with this kitten.  My son fixes me gourmet meals now and again (need to work on him doing all the dishes though).  He also shares his time with me, which I savor.  My daughter snapchats, and face times me now that she's away.  My friends check up on me with phone calls, texts and notes in the mail.  My sister is always there too, no matter when.

What I feel I'm missing...is really right in front of me.  Still, I long for that one person, with whom I can share things, good and bad.  Really I am blessed because I don't have just one person.  Sometimes that's hard to remember.  Mentally, my mind hasn't caught up with my reality.  I am truly happier now.  I am still discovering who I am, what I like, and am embracing me.  Not all can do that.  Learning to love oneself is incredibly hard to do.

It's been said that we are our harshest critics.  I know that to be true.  Moments of weakness happen when I am tired.  Loneliness can creep into to the tiniest of spaces in one's heart.

I am trying to learn to trust again, and to trust myself, trust my judgements.  For the past three months, I have been taking West Coast Swing dance lessons.  It's important when dancing to be able to have trust in your partner. The realization that I haven't trusted others for a long time now has become obvious in my dancing.  Dancing is a good way to practice trust.  It helps to do it among friends.  Friends will allow you to lean on them, and they won't let you fall.

Trusting myself is an even harder thing to do than trusting another...hence, All Hail the Queen.  The next thing I have started working on is trusting myself.  I am working on learning how to trust my instincts, my judgements.  How to not settle for just feeling comfortable.  How to not give up ANYTHING I enjoy.

In my classroom, I am the Queen.
In my house, I am the Queen.
In my world, I need to become the Queen as well.  No settling.

I've been the step-sister...cooking, cleaning, doing laundry.  No more.

On the dating sites, a common question is, "What are you looking for?"  Fair question.

What am I looking for?

Well, as I am the Queen, I am looking for a partner to share my throne.
I can do it all alone.
I am strong.
I do ROAR.

I'd like a King who can handle a confident lady by his side.

Sometimes he'll need to let me be in the driver's seat,
while at the same time understand he's dealing with a hopeless romantic.

~Lisa Kroll

blogging music:  Ed Sheehan, again.  "Let it Out", "Homeless", "Lately", "You"
                            Katy Perry, again.  "Roar", "Love Me"