Feeling Grounded

My mind seems to have settled down over these past few years.
I am grateful.

It once raced to the point that I thought my head was going to explode, or maybe I was going crazy. The emotions inside me were frantically all wanting to be heard at once. My head would pound. My eyes struggled to focus as the pain behind them made me simply want to shut my eyes and tune out the World. Sometimes, I would physically feel my body clench up as my fists pulled inward, towards my racing heart. My arms would close in as well. Instinctively, I'd collapse into a fetal like position, even if I was standing. My body was trying to close off all external stimuli.

Overload.  Capacity full.

Deep breath.

Talk therapy helped.

I wasn't going crazy.
Life was changing, and I wasn't insane.
I was very normal.
Our bodies are amazing, and mine sensed the high stress levels; it was trying to protect me in the best way it could.

I needed to learn to be in the moment.
I needed to learn to be mindful.

Breathe.
Inhale deeply through my nose.
Hold that breath, and focus on taking it deep down into my lungs.
Feel it.
Exhale through my mouth, loudly, making sure all air is expelled, but note the sound of the rushing air as it goes over my teeth and through my lips.  Feel my stress dissipating into space, leaving me cleansed.  No longer is the stress inside me.  When I am mindful, I am very aware of all around me, and of my own being. In the moment, I am here. I am fine.

Rational thoughts slowly permeated the chaos inside my head.

You are fine, I'd tell myself.
You are strong.
You can do this.
You are going to be all right.
You are going to be better than all right.
You will survive (cue Gloria Gaynor, huh?)

I look in the mirror, and tell my reflection,
You are perfect.
You have everything you need.
You are enough.  You are blessed.  

Let's be honest, we live in a harsh world.  We need to practice self care, and that means nourishing our own souls. We need to start by being positive, and loving ourselves.  It truly is the only way we can completely love others.

*****

My morning routine after I wake up, is to take Toby downstairs, let him out back, and wait inside for him to do his business.  A few days ago, if my neighbors were watching, they might have witnessed something different, and personal.

I walked into the middle of my backyard as Toby went out, and I inhaled deeply.  The sounds of the birds singing in the trees filled my ears.  The smell of the fresh mowed grass filled my nose.  The sparkle of the sun peeking through the green leaves, reflecting the morning dew touched my eyes, and the warmth of the Earth nuzzled my bare feet.  I drank in the moment and allowed it to linger on and in me for over five minutes.  I just stood in my backyard, breathing deeply.  My heart filled with joy and I felt something come alive inside me.  I realized I was feeling grounded.  Literally, the Earth was claiming me as hers.  The beauty of those moments were filling my soul.

I am strong.

I am better than all right.

I am living as I am meant to be living.

I have everything I need.  I am blessed.  

                     ~Lisa Kroll
                            grounded, happy, perfect

Grand Memories...

Social media reminded me yesterday morning, just five short years ago I was standing on the rim of the Grand Canyon. What a transforming trip. What a wonderful memory. At the time, I had no idea how much that trip was preparing me for my future.

Five years ago, I was alone in my travels. I called it my walkabout, and it was. I was forced to only think of myself for twelve days. What did I want to do each day? What did I want to see? Where did I want to go? What did I want to eat? So many years of being a caregiver, maid, cook, chauffeur, etc needed to be set aside for once. Being a wife and a mother were the only roles I really knew. I had truly forgotten who I was at my core. I was forced to be silent. No conversations. No one else to think about. I needed to learn to be okay with the quiet. When one is alone, to whom do they have to talk?  I ended up listening to others...eavesdropping. I observed people. I watched interactions. I started to hear something that I hadn't heard before. It was my inner voice starting to talk.

Today, when I look in the mirror, I don't see that same person who traveled alone five years ago. I have changed. Layers of my soul have peeled away. I have become a much better version of myself.  I have been upgraded, so to speak. I feel I have always been a confident person, but the past few years have made me even more so. It is still hard to enter some places all alone in my home town. Shopping alone is easy, but a simple thing like dining out is more of a challenge. Who wants to go out to eat all by herself? I certainly won't go for a drink alone either!

This person who is me now...I like her. I am independent and happier. I feel more secure in who I am, in what I'll accept, and in what I like. I speak my mind, and care less about other's opinions. Concerning me, I mean.  I still like to hear others opinions on life, and have deep conversations!

I am grateful for the growth I have experienced. 
I am ready for my next adventure. 
I think it's about time I start planning that next Grand Memory.  

~Lisa Kroll
     still spreading love, understanding, positivity 

Be Kind...and New/Old Traditions

I am thankful, and grateful for my family.  This next week starts a time of the year with which in my recent past, I have struggled. 

As time goes on, I am feeling more excited about the holidays! Still, I am aware that there are triggers in my life.  Just 11 years ago on the 22nd, my mom passed away from Brain Cancer; it was also a day on which I was celebrating my 20th wedding anniversary. Daily I think of my mom with joy in my heart, but I was older when she passed, unlike my sister who was still a young adult.  My sister was just 26 years old, a few years married and had a one-year old when our mom died. My sister and I talk, and I know she misses our mom a lot.  I think about my sister's three children, and all they have missed by their grandma not being around.  I do find myself recalling family traditions from my growing up days and I try to share those with my nieces and nephew, as well as with my sister, and my own children.  Two years ago it was impossible for me to even think about the holidays.  I know that wasn't fair to my own two kids, but emotionally it was just too much for me to handle.  As my children grow into young adults, and as I am becoming more distant from my past history, I am finding that I am able to re-invent how WE celebrate the holidays.  We are creating our own new, family traditions.  We blend traditions from my youth with traditions from my children's life.  I am able to choose all those traditions which I have enjoyed.  Thanksgiving is now MY holiday.  I have claimed it back as a way to help me enjoy life.  My sister and her family will come to my house to help continue building our new traditions.  I will be in my element as I work in my kitchen to create our feast.  We will dine on those traditional recipes that were ours, along with those traditional recipes that my children grew up on.  We will play games and laugh.  We will play music and dance.  We will take pictures and veg-out.  We will go to my downtown and be witness to my community coming together to kick-off the Christmas season with the official Canopy  of Lights lighting.  We will get out my Christmas tree and decorate my house.  Just a few years ago I couldn't do this by myself.  The life lesson I've taken away here...don't do it alone.  Count on others in your life!  

Another life lesson, is that we need to be kind to others.  We need to be kind not just to those in our community in need, but to our friends, our family, and to ourselves.  Heaven knows the holidays are hard, period.  Commercialism has made society feel we all need to have the perfect illusion of time spent together: thank you, NOT, Hallmark.  But, the holidays are extra hard when one has gone through loss, and everyone knows someone who is dealing with, or has survived loss.  One may know loss as death of a loved one or beloved pet, rough spots in a relationship, or divorce. Some people may be dealing with impending loss of life, financial stability, or family members struggling with addiction. When my mom died, it was the day before Thanksgiving in 2006.  Thanksgiving and Christmas were surreal that year. Dealing with loss can manifest as depression. Stress compounds feelings, too. As the year is drawing to an end, there are deadlines to complete, mid-year graduations making some wonder what they should be doing next in their life, or stresses in the workplace.  Please reach out to your friends and neighbors.  Just send hello, or hey, how are you doing?  My personal experience has been to hunker down in my house and to wallow in my own sadness instead of reaching out to others.  There were times when it was hard to adult, especially when others seem to have it all together and be so happy.  Illusion is a powerful weapon. I am happier now, but I do still watch those around me and judge myself against the illusions I see.   

Be kind.  

Don't feel you have to do something just because it's always been done a certain way.  There is joy and power in re-inventing happiness.  

Happy Thanksgiving my friends!  

~Lisa Kroll
     love warrior, sister, friend, etc. 

Continuing the Journey...

Two years, two months and 13 days have passed 

since my Independence Day.  

I put the dates into a 'days past' generator to find that out.  

I am not keeping track.   

I would not go back to my past life.  

I was so limited and held back.  

I intimidated the person whom I thought was my partner because he couldn't handle my glow.  

I am healing, and learning to love again.  

I am re-evaluating what it is that I have to offer the world.  

I am not dating, nor do I have someone in the 'picture'.  

I haven't loved myself for a very long time.

In order to be able to love someone else, I must first love myself.  

No more accepting life as status quo.   

*****

I am a product of the perfect combination of genes 

which my parents brought together.  

I was created, I did not create myself.  

My complexion, my eyes, my smile...all gifts from my parents.  

I don't see my parents in myself, 

but I feel them in my heart.  

My naturally curly hair, thank you dad, 

and has a mind of it's own.  

I love to let it be free.  

I like that my hair may look different each time I look in the mirror.  

I makes me unpredictable. 

I have joy in my heart, and it oozes out. 

I am truly grateful for all I have.  

I choose positivity in life.  

I enjoy making a difference, even if it's just 

for one person, 

one animal, 

or our beautiful Earth.  

I do love the world around me, and I love others.  

I like to hear what someone young, or old has to say.  

I am a listener, a thinker and a problem solver.  

I look at others and wonder, what is their life story?  

I look at things and think, is there a better way to do that?  

I am a born teacher.  

I have patience.  

I am curious.  

I want to know how and why things work as they do.  

I marvel at simplicity and complexity. 

I am generous with my time and talents.  

I like taking care of others.  

I am maternal.  

I am creative.  

Art and music drive my spirit.  

Music is in every fiber of my being, and it colors my world.    

I thrive when I can share my passions.  

I feel the Universe tingles, 

and that makes my soul happy.  

~Lisa Kroll

    spreading Love, Understanding, Positivity

Go listen to The Power of Peace CD by the Isley Brothers and produced by Carlos Santana.  

released on July 28, 2017

Power. Grace. Wisdom. Wonder.

I treated myself to seeing the recent movie, Wonder Woman.  

Before I walked into the theatre, I reflected back on my introduction to comic book heroines.  The mid 70's were a time when young women started to see female comic book heroes come to life.  Heroines in the comics adorned the small screen. That "I can do it" attitude was being laid in my 11 year-old foundation. In my youth, Isis was the first goddess I recall wanting to embrace.  I was transformed by simply saying, "Oh Mighty Isis" as if that's all I had to do to become strong, to become powerful. That's what the female science teacher on the television show said in order for her to change. 

As most youth, I had a wonderful imagination growing up. I enjoyed taking on the personality of many television characters. Isis was followed by The Bionic Woman, and next came Wonder Woman. These shows overlapped one another for a few years. Lynda Carter was the Wonder Woman of my youth.  As a former Miss American, she was a kick-butt brunette, who had brains and curves.  When I was younger, I had darker hair, and my Italian heritage hinted at curves that I would grow into. It would be several more years though before my hour glass shape truly took form. As for brains...well, I was studious, and ended my high school days in the top fifth of my class.  I have always LOVED math and science, too.  I don't recall exactly when my dad gave me a cuff bracelet that had belonged to him as a child, but I suspect it was around that time.  Maybe he sensed that I needed a little help in feeling strong.  Bra burning was popular and in the news during my youth. I would wear that cuff to ward off invisible bullets, or to gain my silent super powers. It didn't leave my wrist, and it was my secret weapon.  I never told anyone how empowered it made me feel.    

I spent time reflecting back on the little girl I was, and the woman I have become. A realization set over me. I have felt that the generation of ladies who preceded me were the ones who set the woman's rights movement in motion.  I am grateful for them, but what have I contributed to help the cause??? Mostly, I followed social norms.  I had children and stayed at home to raise them.  I kept the house, did the cooking, and the cleaning.  I supported the head of our household, as a good wife should. My staying home, meant our family looked to be at a higher status level than others.  As I pause now, I think none of the roles I filled sound very much like I did my part to help the cause. Yet, I know I would do it all again, exactly the same way. Choices, we all make them.  I made the conscious choice to stay home.  No regrets.  I have always been a teacher, I just didn't realize it. The lessons I needed to teacher were to a smaller groups of students.   

Watching the Wonder Woman movie, I realized I am living in an era where women are still gaining power.  Women are still finding out who they are and defining who we, as women, are suppose to become, which is to be an equal to all others.  We are not only defining, for our gender, we are defining for all races what it means to be equal. Equality, that's the cause. Women are doing all this with grace, and with wisdom.

As a mother, I shared my love and compassion with my children.  Those were two of the life lessons I taught.  To see one's child help another, means my role as a mother and caregiver made a difference. Really, I was the strength that cemented the foundation of my household.  I see that now. Power.  

There are moments when I start to feel as if I am not fulfilling my part in society to help build powerful women.  One of my friends sent me a book for my classroom library.  It is a reminder that sometimes, when we feel we need to count on others, we really all ready have the strength we seek inside ourselves.  

In honor or my friend, I made this bracelet.  I know that we, both male and female, are really stronger than we think, or know.  

I want to do my part to make society a better place.  I want to show the world that I am not a slacker, who is riding on the coattails of women who came before me.  

As I pause, I am reminded that I wake up, and live each day, and I inspire girls all around me.  I went back to further my education, after I raised my family.  I embarked on a career that I had always dreamt of holding.  I am surviving, and thriving. I want to inspire my daughter, and my nieces.  They can be and do anything they want in life!  I believe in them, and I will be their biggest supporter.  The other collateral beauty of my inspiration lands on my being able to inspire my sister, my friends, and my peers.  The funny thing about inspiration...it is reciprocal.  My sister, my friends and my peers also inspire me, as do my daughter and my nieces.  Today, just like in my youth, there are many role models of strong, powerful, graceful, compassionate heroines who inspire all.  

See the line where the sky meets the sea? It calls me...

And no one knows, how far it goes...

If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me...

One day I'll know, how far I'll go...

This summer, I have realized how important my female friendships are to my being. I believe we all need the friendship of many in our lives.  Friendships at this stage in my life seem more meaningful, than they were when I was younger. There is a richness that comes with experiencing life, and I feel it allows me to connect in deeper, more meaningful ways with others.  I find I can appreciate more of what lies beneath the surface in a person, too.  I am cautious who I let close to my heart, but it is with my female friends that I know I can really let down my guard.  We support one another emotionally, and are no longer trying to impress or out do each other.  Maybe we've reached that stage in life where we all really do know how precious is our time left on this Earth. Although my close friends emotionally support me, and I them, I know that the world is still a competitive place and regularly women will knock one another down.  I'm still trying to understand why.  Is it out of fear?  Fear of what though?  Not getting ahead? Being liked more or less than someone else?  I see it where I work, but it happens in all environments. Grown women can become mean girls. There are so many things we do to hurt one another...little digs, unspoken looks down noses, people being left out of the loop. I believe, in order for our society to become the place with which I am most comfortable for our future generations, we need a balanced world.  We need more women in power.  

Ladies, we need to support one another, and in all ways! We need to be kind and compassionate.  We need to help one another.  We need to elect women at the local level and then up through the ranks.  We need to financially support strong, female candidates.  We need to seed the campaigns of those who are comfortable speaking their minds on behalf of all of us; those with voices who will be heard.  I certainly haven't been an example of someone who was comfortable speaking her mind and making waves.  But "still, it calls me...."  Men will not take care of our issues.  They hear us, but they cannot know what it is that we truly need. We need a world that believes in equality, and compassion.  Not equality and compassion just for women, but for all.  During Wonder Woman, who stood up and walked through the battle field because she believed so strongly that what was happening was wrong?  

I am officially now on my summer break.  My camp teaching is over and I can relax. I am looking forward to a little quiet time to myself, and then I plan on filling my days with home improvement tasks and lunches, drinks, dinners, movies, what ever I can...with my friends who are girls!  I need you my friends! Not just during the dog days of summer, but always.  

And the call isn't out there at all...It's inside me...It's like the tide...Always falling and rising...I will carry you here in my heart...You'll remind me...That come what may...I know the way...  

I WONDER where my future path is leading me?     

~Lisa Kroll
     I think I've just awakened the feminist in myself, and I really like it                love warrior, feminist, teacher

*****

Tonight's blogging music:  Moana: Original Movie Soundtrack, with special thanks to my sister who made sure I now own it.   

What brings me joy...

birds singing

finding morels 

spring peepers croaking

deer romping through the woods

blossoms and leaves budding on trees

the color of spring wildflowers 

against the gray-brown ground

white clouds

blue skies

cats and dogs

wild grape vines

 the moon and the stars

turtles, snakes and owls

dark chocolate with a sprinkle of salt

red wine: a Malbec or Shiraz

meaningful conversations

holding hands

smiles

witnessing love

vistas at National Parks 

the sunrise each morning

sunsets at the ocean

romantic comedies 

captivating novels

playing games

walks on the beach

hiking in the woods

butterflies and fireflies

 tall green grass with dandelions

fresh air and windows open as I sleep

sea shells and snowflakes

salt lamps and diffusers

music and art

                                                               ~Lisa Kroll      

               

Castle on the Hill

Lyric excerpts from Castle on The Hill, by Ed Sheeran

"Found my heart and broke it here
Made friends and lost them through the years
And I've not seen the roaring fields in so long, I know I've grown
But I can't wait to go home

I'm on my way
Driving at ninety down those country lanes
Singing to "Tiny Dancer"
And I miss the way you make me feel, and it's real
We watched the sunset over the castle on the hill
...

One friend left to sell clothes
One works down by the coast
One had two kids but lives alone
One's brother overdosed
One's already on his second wife
One's just barely getting by
But these people raised me and I can't wait to go home

And I'm on my way, I still remember
This old country lanes
When we did not know the answers
And I miss the way you make me feel, it's real
We watched the sunset over the castle on the hill"

......

Reminiscing.
Reconnecting.
Realizations.

Sunset over the Castle in Chicago

Shared pains.
Growing up.
Kindness.
Being Real.
Accepting.


Friendships are precious.

What does a boy of almost 26 know of reconnection's?  Recently, Ed Sheeran released two new songs, his next album is due out on March 3rd.  When I initially listened to both songs I was immediately drawn to the sure-to-be number 1 dance song, Shape of You.  Upon further listening...it is his song Castle on the Hill that touches my soul. It's a song about returning home.  

In January, I reconnected with a few of my high school friends.  We spent the better part of a long weekend in Chicago.  What a blast!  I grew up in a community that was nestled in the cornfields of northern Indiana.  Most of these people I shared the weekend with, I first met when I was 11 years old.

Back in our high school days, we branched out from the safety of the cornfields once in awhile, and headed to the big city of Chicago for fun.  I recall thinking Chicago was ginormous.  My parents wouldn't let me go there without an adult present.  Thankfully, we had teachers who realized, high school students who live among the cornfields, needed to be exposed to culture.  IN MY DAY...teachers could drive a carload of students places without worry of accusations.  More likely accusations happened, but the teachers really knew the families of the students they were putting in their cars.  I think I grew up in a smaller world.  

We had an English teacher who would periodically take a group of us into the city to eat pizza at the Rathskeller, or Gino's.  We would also go to see Second City.  That was in the day when comedians Mary Gross, and Jim Belushi were on the main stage.  Occasionally, we'd head to Chicago to see a musical or eat an authentic meal: Mexican or French depending on what language one was studying. My love for live theatre was born when I was in high school, as I recall seeing both Evita and Annie live. I am thankful for the English, Spanish, French, Music and Band teachers I had growing up.    

The take away from my teachers...respect other cultures, and the Arts are important.

Today I am that "adult present" my parents long ago required. I drove my own car north into the Windy City from my little Southern Indiana town.  I was one of seven high school friends who came together for a mini-reunion.  We came from Northern and Southern Indiana, Southern Illinois and California.  We dined at Gino's, then headed to The Second City Main Stage.  Some history is worth repeating.  One in our group announced to our waitress that we were celebrating our high school reunion.  He told her if she could guess how long it's been, he'd give her a one hundred dollar tip.  Seconds later there was a loud, collective burst of "Oh My Gosh!!!!" when she said, "thirty-five." Amazing!  Or was it?  *wink, wink.  She did get that one hundred dollar tip.  

The show was a blast.  When it was over, 10:15 seemed too early to end the fun even though I know personally, my life as a first grade teacher finds me ready for bed shortly after I get home each night.  It was suggested we should go to a nearby (Uber ride away) bar, called The Original Mother's. Apparently Rob Lowe was in a movie that featured this bar.  Sadly, he wasn't to be seen on our visit.  We did play a non-traditional game of Beer Pong where we did not consume beer.  Two of us sang a karaoke duet to "Summer Loving," from Grease.  There is a video, but it's not blackmail worthy.  Both singers had a blast, with one having his own doo wop posse. 

The next day was filled with shopping at The Water Tower Place, followed by a decadent late afternoon lunch at the Ralph Lauren Club.  

When it was near dinner time we weren't anywhere close to being hungry.  One in our group made a small mention that her daughter is managing a hotel nearby.  Off we went on another short Uber ride; we all wanted to meet this beautiful young offspring of our childhood friend. As it was still too soon for dinner, we decided to catch a show before we dined.  This weekend was filled with many firsts.  

We headed to the world famous Baton Show Lounge that features female impersonators.  Holy crumbs, were they great!  Despite the group next to us embarrassing themselves with a party member who had too-much-something before they arrived, we had a wonderfully, entertaining evening.  All of the females in our group commented how intimidated they felt by the performers. The performers were sensual, curvaceous, owned their bodies, were flirtatious...and, yes a little outrageous!  As we were leaving, I stopped to tell the owner how much I enjoyed the evening. When we arrived that night, playing on a large screen over the stage was a video loop. The video explained how The Baton got it's name.  The owner, Jim Flint, twirled baton 47 years ago.  Well, so did I.  On a whim, I asked if he twirled and competed against another fairly famous Indiana baton twirler.  He had!  I knew it!  So had I!!!  I recall just one boy in the area who twirled when I was growing up...not including my brother and friend, Gordon, who were made to take a year of twirling due to complaining and competing with their sisters.  I am sure it was likely Jim.  Small world!

As we left The Baton, the male in our group was asked if he was follicly challenged?  Gathered on the sidewalk was a bachelorette party, on a scavenger hunt.  They needed to take a picture of the bride-to-be kissing a bald head.  My friend is such a good sport!  Payment came in the form of small jello filled cups for all.  Have you seen the movie, The Hangover?  I was sure one of us was going to end up sleeping on the roof of our hotel!  Strangers, on the streets of Chicago, offering Jello Shots out of a plastic Wal-Mart bag.  Oh my goodness! This evening really was to be filled with firsts.

At 10:30, we were now ready for dinner.  Off we headed to The Purple Pig where we shared, gourmet tapas plates.  Perfection!  Laughter filled the rest of the waning evening.  We opted to walk back to the hotel so we could enjoy the global warming effecting our January visit to the Windy City.  The walk home was filled with questions and curiosities about the performers from The Baton.  The costumes were very revealing...

Our weekend came to an end the next morning.  We shared breakfast at another wonderful eatery, the Tempo Cafe.

*****

What I have failed to mention is that all weekend long, there were little conversations that happened.  Sometimes two of us would get a chance to have a private conversation and rediscover who our former friends had grown to become.  We re-discovered...we are all beautiful human beings, and discovered we all survivors. We are survivors of the challenges life has offered.  In our presence was kindness, authenticity, acceptance, and maturity.   There was a realization of deeper connections that happened over those few days we shared. When you are older, and reconnect with those you knew growing up, you realize you didn't really know that person as a 17 or 18 year old.  How could you?  That person wasn't finished become the person they were meant to become.  Or maybe, they hadn't yet been colored by life.  They hadn't had the time to develop into the layered, intellectual soul they were meant to become.

Some people have things happen when they are young that does color them.  Most of us are able to survive our teens, and twenties without much damage.  I think it's typical that one hits 30, and life becomes more challenge filled. Not Adulting is NOT an option after a certain age is reached. (adult used here as a verb) By fifty, many are married, may have kids and/or possibly have gone through a broken relationship.  Our parents are starting to age, and their, or our, own health issues may be starting to rear their ugly heads.  The realization that one's career/dreams are not being reached means we start to re-evaluate what it is that we are really chasing.

When connecting with old friends, one can reminisce about events from one's youth, but the real connections begin when one realizes that none are completely comfortable in their own skin.  That doesn't mean we aren't comfortable.  What I am trying to say is that what others may presume to be true, may in fact not be true. Before I met my friends that weekend, I was thinking...these people were so beautiful when we were young.  Today they are even more beautiful AND successful. How can I even compare?  What ended up happening was I shared my weekend with real people.  They ARE beautiful and successful, but they are also very human.  I didn't really know that before.  My definitions for beauty and success are so different now than what they were when I was young.  For some reason, I was stuck with those old definitions in my brain.  

There is a certain safety in returning "home".  I ask again, how does a boy of almost 26 know of such reconnections?  Ed Sheeran, I admire your insights.  

~Lisa Kroll, healing with the help of my friends. 

Tonight's blogging music:  
Inspired by Ed Sheeran's, Castle on the Hill single to be released on his new album called Divide. Due out on March 3, 2017.  

Editing music: Music from the album Spirit by Amos Lee. 

What if???

I have been thinking a single thought lately...what if...

I have spent the past few years feeling responsible for all the crap I have gone through.  I realize that each of us IS responsible for what they allow into their lives.  So technically, I am.  I'm meaning I took the blame for everything that happened that lead to my marriage ending.  If I had seen the end coming I should have done something to stop the train.  Right???  I hadn't fallen out of love, so I didn't think that train was on the right tracks.  I didn't know where that engine was located.  I didn't see it, and therefore I felt I must have done something wrong.  Being the person that I am, I felt responsible for how everything played out.  I felt responsible for all the problems.  As if I, alone, was to blame for the my marriage failing and then ending.  But what if...

What if... I am responsible.  

Responsible for being a capable individual.
Responsible for being a smart human being.
Responsible for holding the family together. 
Responsible for being a kind soul, who actually loves life, and finds joy all around.
Responsible for my own loving and being loved in return. 
Responsible for my own voice.  

What if I'm actually not the damage goods I was made to believe I was?

No finger pointing, but I was born and raised in a society that was in flux.  For awhile I believed that men were to be cherished, to be put on a pedestal and to be treated like the king of the castle.  At the same time, I believed women were to insist on equal rights and could do everything men could.  I put my dad up on a pedestal while I deeply admired my mom.  I followed suit in my own home.  Yet, some part of me felt I couldn't speak my mind in my household.  I am not a fighter.  Maybe that was the problem.


Last week I read a book called Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton.  The story is a memoir and incredibly personal.  Glennon's story is of her learning to love again.  She grew up thinking she wasn't enough according to society's standards.  Instead of thinking society was flawed, she took the blame.  She says she 'checked out' and sent her 'representative' instead of her true self to live life.  I can certainly relate to her thinking.  So many times I felt maybe I was the problem...but what if I wasn't.  What if I was just with the wrong person who couldn't appreciate all the details that make up me?  

As I read Love Warrior, there were times I felt Glennon had actually been inside my head while she was writing..as if she snatched some of my thoughts and claimed them as her own.  Her writing validated me and suddenly I didn't feel so isolated in my thoughts. When I finished reading, I wondered, what if there has never been anything wrong with me?  Again, I know we aren't perfect, but what if I chose to believe someone else's story about me over my own truths?  What if that story was flawed because they were flawed themselves, and there for they couldn't see me in the proper light?    

Today I am still healing.  I am a stronger person than I used to be. That's not really a true statement.  I have always been a strong person, I just know it now and show it more. I still struggle, and have challenges, but I know I can handle anything that comes my way.  As I become more self-assured, I am feeling ready to get back out into society and have a real relationship.  I want to share my life and all I have with another.  I want to be someone's favorite hello and his hardest goodbye.  I want to love again.  I am discovering that I do have a lot to offer.  I know I am not yet fully healed, and will always be a work in progress...as are we all. Time helps me to gain confidence in knowing my own truths. This mindset...it's pretty cool.  Thanks Glennon, for helping push me over the fence to see the grass on the other side.  I feel I've been teetering for sometime and you made me realize we all have flaws, along with strengths.  

Friends keep telling me, 'you're fine/normal', 'this is natural', 'in time...', etc., but Friends, when you tell me that, and I look at you, I know you have no idea what hell I have truly been going through.  How can you know I'm going to be okay?  I don't wish tragedy on anyone, and I do know that behind closed doors things aren't always what they appear to be to outsiders.  Reading Glennon's story made me feel like a Love Warrior.  It was the push I think I've been needing. I felt a seed of peace and acceptance being planted in my soul as I closed that book.  

What if ... my seed blooms into a flower, with tendrils so long, and so beautiful, they touch others too?  No limits with this love-warrior-woman now.  

Warrior On, 

Lisa Kroll
~Shooting for the stars, while working on eating, always praying and giving thanks for what life shares with me, and being my own Love Warrior.

NOTES: 
Blogging music tonight:  Bon Iver, 22, A Million the album on Spotify,
then my latest playlist creation that includes We are One, by Angelique Kidjo, Addicted to You by Avicii, Counting Backwards to 1 by Beautiful Small Machines, Bittersweet Faith (Thievery Corporation Remix) by Bitter Sweet, #1 Night by Cobra Starship, Paradise, Clocks, and Viva La Vida by Coldplay, Titanium by  David Guetta, and then Ed...Tenerife Sea, Shirtsleeves, Let It Out, Where We Land and Firefly.  

Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton
My sister saw this book online months ago and said, "We need this!"
She sent me the link to pre-order. Which I did.
Sisters Forever.

“you will always be my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
P.S. i will always love you”...by Ceclia Ahern

Shh....it's a secret

Last year I joined a secret club and I didn't even know it.

This club is filled with mostly women, but is not exclusive. Men are in this club, but the women are really the leaders.  Sorry, not sorry guys.  It might be the mom-gene in us.  Even those that do not have children have that gene and it cannot help oozing out in this group setting.

This club has the most supportive people in it I have ever met.  They hug.  They smile.  They listen.  They offer advice, if needed.  They laugh and see the humor in just about everything.  They allow you to cry, and never ever make you feel poorly about doing so. They also will help celebrate your milestones, birthdays, holidays, successes or missed attempts.  They are ALWAYS up to being taste testers...if you try a new recipe.  And I have witnessed them sacrifice themselves if someone happens to have too much...say cake...at home and needs it to disappear but just can't toss a perfectly good food item in the trash.  If you need to put on your You Are In Deep Trouble voice, they silently give those on the receiving end of your voice The Eye.  You know, the eye that without words says...'you did it now, pushed the envelope, didn't you?'

They will clear their evening schedules if you need someone to get a pedicure with, share a glass of wine or go play trivia.  They will be instantaneous exercise buddies, who will spend 30 minutes walking and talking, after having worked a full day.

They share...ideas, information and funny things that they see or hear. They share their families too...this club doesn't start and stop when you walk through the door.  In fact, it stretches through out the community, and farther.  I am hesitant to say through out the state and the country only because I haven't felt that yet.  But I suspect it does.

They are always willing to learn and try something new: cutting edge souls.  If you can't quite figure something out, they help and you won't feel silly needing and receiving their help.  They will even check on you later to see how things went.

They text.  A lot.  Which is pretty great.  You don't ever have to feel alone in this secret club.  This past Friday night,  I received a text thread that sparked over 40 messages in less than 20 minutes.  I lay exhausted on my couch, barely able to lift my phone after completing my first full week of the school year.  I'm not complaining.  That thread would have had my thoughts in it too, had I not fell asleep where I sat...it was just 8 pm.

I am blessed to be in this club.  I truly enjoy all the members.  They are deeply dedicated to what they do.  They inspire me daily, to add as best I can to the club.  

Society knows our school teachers (administrators and other staff included) are hard working individuals, but society really doesn't know the depth of how much passion runs through their veins.

~Lisa Kroll, 
     Just like Lilly...I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up!

Henkes, K. (1996) .  Lilly's Purple Plastic Purse .  New York :  Greenwillow Books

Exemplars

(noun)  

a person or 
thing serving as a 
typical example 
or excellent model


Tonight I am reflecting back on the love I witnessed growing up with my perspective, colored by age and life experience.  

My parents.  My exemplars.  

Each was a beautiful soul.  They cared so deeply about one another, and about family.  Family gatherings...weddings, funerals, religious celebrations, birthdays, holidays...were BIG events.  It seemed we were always celebrating something, and the only friends I had for a long time, were ones who were related to me. I'm sure my cousins might have had this same feeling! My roots are Italian and Polish, with some of my greats having come directly over from the mother countries.  Although Italian and Polish were spoken by a few of the elders, sadly I did not pick up any of either language.  Great aunts and uncles, regular aunts and uncles, first, second, and third cousins and their spouses attended the weddings and funerals.  It seemed someone was always getting married or dying.  

I literally grew up thinking I was related to everyone who lived in my community until I went to fifth grade.  The summer before I entered the fifth grade, my parents moved to a new community.  The funny thing was, many of our friends and family from my first community moved as well, joining my new community.  

Beyond family, my parents knew everyone and everyone knew them.  

It was common knowledge that if a neighbor needed ANYTHING, they could count on my parents. Thinking about this now, I'm sure the feeling was reciprocated.  My dad was an Electrical Engineer by trade and my mom was an office manager for a doctor's office, but within our community dad was a volunteer fireman and mom was a certified Emergency Medical Technician volunteer.  They were always "on call", and helped whenever needed.  I vividly remember emergencies in the middle of the night where both my parents responded, along with all the other volunteer emergency crew. On top of volunteering, both my parents were involved with my brother and I as were were growing up.  Mom did typical mom stuff: organized summer camps, was a volunteer in my school, served on the PTA, AND had a Ceramic business out of our basement.  As my brother and I aged, both our parents involvement changed as well.  Our parents were chaperones on band trips, and dad even had a chauffeur's license so he could drive the school bus for those trips. I had the coolest parents.    

Visible to others was a couple who truly were a super couple.  

As a child, I witnessed the backside of an amazing love.  

I never noticed if my brother and I lacked material goods.  However, I do recall that once a month, dad would balance the checkbook.  This was code for my brother and I to disappear into our rooms.  We were neither seen, nor heard during the balancing of the checkbook.  Dad was generally an even tempered person.  Mom was a spender.  I guess mom just knew things would be okay.  Dad didn't always agree and when this happened, his even temper became off kilter.  They would argue, but in the end they would assure my brother and I that they loved each other.  And they did.  My parents were not perfect, and they knew that about themselves and one another.  They were willing to overlook imperfections and love with their whole heart anyway.  They laughed together, played together, helped the community together, and loved their family together.  

An Aunt recently sent me the above photograph.  As I looked at it, my eyes teared up.  I miss them both so much.  I hope, and I think their spirit lives within my heart.  I know I longed to be a part of a super couple, but I also know that because of my parents, there isn't anything I can't do all by myself.  Part of my journey now is to learn to forgive myself for not living up to that exemplar I knew.  They were just one example.  

In today's society extended families have drifted apart and with these drifts core values have become diluted.  I feel we live in a society that no longer promotes super couples.  I think we encourage too many selfish behaviors and not enough behaviors of taking care of one another.  Our older generations still get it, but souls my age seem more selfish, and our youth...I am worried for them. Maybe I have become a skeptic.  Maybe, as I continue to age, I'll see the cycle repeat and super couples will again be a thing.  Time will tell.  

Regardless, with my friends I will continue to laugh, play, help my community, and love my family.  In my own way I will be a reflection of the exemplar above, and hopefully encourage others along the way.  Thank you friends, for loving me on this journey.  

~Lisa Kroll
         ponderer of emotions  

Tonight's blogging music...  

from Adele's 25, Remedy, Sweetest Devotion; 
from Ed Sheehan's X, One, Tenerife Sea, Thinking Out Loud, Shirtsleeves; 
From Ed Sheehan's 5, Be Like You, Let It Out, Where We Land; 
from Ed Sheehan's +, Kiss Me, Give Me Love; 
from Dean Martin, You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You, Sway.  

Decisions....

Each night, I set out my clothes for the next day.  I gather all my things so I am completely ready, down to shoes and jewelry.  I have found that I need the routine to make my mornings run smoothly.  It is one decision that I do not need to make as my day starts.  I get up, get ready, and walk out the door feeling set.  No pressures.  

One Wednesday night, as I set out my outfit I was deciding what to wear around a pair of socks.  Yes, socks. Olaf the snowman from Frozen socks. We were celebrating Dr. Seuss at school this particular week, and each day had a theme.  Thursday would be crazy sock day. I must admit, I spent too much time that night struggling with what I would be wearing the next day.  

Thursday arrived.  I got up and started my routine: shower, dress, hair, make-up, coffee, breakfast, then out the door.  

As the day wore on, I noticed I was in a funk.  Something was off, and I struggled to figure it out.  I was emotionally off.  I felt I needed to get home, and I wasn’t sure why.  When I finally did arrive home, I went straight to my room and changed my clothes.  I literally peeled off my bad mood. I had been wearing clothes from the person whom I used to be.  

Who knew?  The clothes make the person.  True.  They do.  

In a matter of minutes, I realized I have spent a certain amount of my life dressing to be someone else; trying to be the person I felt I was supposed to be instead of being the person I am.  No more.  I am free to embrace myself!  Free to love me and all that I am.  I am no longer someone who shops a certain label.  I still like a classy look, but I am more a flowers-frills-and-flowing-dresses type.  It matches my personality.  I am a can-do, handy, capable, smart person.  I am not someone who needs to march to the beat of someone else's drum.  I am not high and mighty. I would rather help someone else, than have someone help or wait on me.  

In life, stories must end so new stories may begin.  I am happily living the story I am meant to live right now.  I still look at the pages of my old story from time to time, but I know those final chapters have played out.  Stories teach us lessons. Thank you Universe for helping me learn my lessons, realize I have more stories to be a part of and happily be me.

~Lisa Kroll, still Eating to nourish my body, Praying private prayers and Loving myself

Blogging Music tonight:  Jason Mraz, We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things, 2008.  

What a great album, but particularly love Make it Mine, I'm Yours, Lucky, Butterfly, Live High.