Shh....it's a secret

Last year I joined a secret club and I didn't even know it.

This club is filled with mostly women, but is not exclusive. Men are in this club, but the women are really the leaders.  Sorry, not sorry guys.  It might be the mom-gene in us.  Even those that do not have children have that gene and it cannot help oozing out in this group setting.

This club has the most supportive people in it I have ever met.  They hug.  They smile.  They listen.  They offer advice, if needed.  They laugh and see the humor in just about everything.  They allow you to cry, and never ever make you feel poorly about doing so. They also will help celebrate your milestones, birthdays, holidays, successes or missed attempts.  They are ALWAYS up to being taste testers...if you try a new recipe.  And I have witnessed them sacrifice themselves if someone happens to have too much...say cake...at home and needs it to disappear but just can't toss a perfectly good food item in the trash.  If you need to put on your You Are In Deep Trouble voice, they silently give those on the receiving end of your voice The Eye.  You know, the eye that without words says...'you did it now, pushed the envelope, didn't you?'

They will clear their evening schedules if you need someone to get a pedicure with, share a glass of wine or go play trivia.  They will be instantaneous exercise buddies, who will spend 30 minutes walking and talking, after having worked a full day.

They share...ideas, information and funny things that they see or hear. They share their families too...this club doesn't start and stop when you walk through the door.  In fact, it stretches through out the community, and farther.  I am hesitant to say through out the state and the country only because I haven't felt that yet.  But I suspect it does.

They are always willing to learn and try something new: cutting edge souls.  If you can't quite figure something out, they help and you won't feel silly needing and receiving their help.  They will even check on you later to see how things went.

They text.  A lot.  Which is pretty great.  You don't ever have to feel alone in this secret club.  This past Friday night,  I received a text thread that sparked over 40 messages in less than 20 minutes.  I lay exhausted on my couch, barely able to lift my phone after completing my first full week of the school year.  I'm not complaining.  That thread would have had my thoughts in it too, had I not fell asleep where I sat...it was just 8 pm.

I am blessed to be in this club.  I truly enjoy all the members.  They are deeply dedicated to what they do.  They inspire me daily, to add as best I can to the club.  

Society knows our school teachers (administrators and other staff included) are hard working individuals, but society really doesn't know the depth of how much passion runs through their veins.

~Lisa Kroll, 
     Just like Lilly...I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up!

Henkes, K. (1996) .  Lilly's Purple Plastic Purse .  New York :  Greenwillow Books

Cycles: Grieving...the loss of one dream, but reaching for more....

At least one member of my family doesn't like that I write about my feelings publicly. 

Sorry, not sorry.  

This is a place for me to express the truth as I know it.   My writing is meant to help myself heal.  I hope my words are encouragement for any one else who might also be in my shoes.  I have searched the web for stories to help validate my thinking, and feel I need to add my stories to the mix.  If I can grow through this, I think anyone can. In the end, I know I really am going to be fine. In my heart, I believe I am going to be better than fine.  I all ready see positive differences in how I am feeling and how my life is playing out.  I didn't really know what being happy meant during my married years.  I was always trying to make someone else happy, relieve stress for them, put out fires, make everything perfect. I didn't put myself first.  I have not known what real love looked like between two people.  Positive relationships are where two people enhance, and help the other grow.  I've written about grieving before, but this summer is when I actually need to process my loss, let it go, and move forward.  Physically I lost a relationship, but that relationship was not a healthy one.  I was told again and again that I wasn't doing things, everything, well enough.  I always needed to improve.  I was not enhanced.  Looking back now, I clearly see the flaws in that relationship.  Hindsight is 20/20.  Today, physically I am great, but emotionally I am a work in progress that grows stronger with each passing day.  On the surface, I know I look wonderful.  All the work I need to do is on my inside, and only I can do this work.    

People who have NPD actually target their supplies.  Believe it or not, NPD's have very low self-esteem, which they project onto others, and they need to feel powerful.  They choose a partner/people in their lives, from whom they can benefit.  I was hand picked, and I played my role perfectly.  My own self-esteem has suffered due to my marriage relationship.  I have spent the better part of the past two years feeling I have failed in my marriage.  Actually, I didn't fail.  I am, and was, an amazing partner.  My ex's story is that we drifted apart.  We didn't, and it still annoys me that he said that, and tried to get me to believe it too.  He chose to break our commitment.  Cycles repeat, just like history.  NPD's cheat because they believe they won't get caught.  How do you define cheating?  "Vitamins" from California to enhance a hobby maybe, because one race official suggests supplementing workouts?  I am asked periodically if I have proof of my ex's infidelity.  I do.  I just didn't want to believe the signs.  Little lies...the friend he claimed to be with, who wasn't even in the state, his broken friendship...which he claims was because of me...how ridiculous. Pretty sure there was a female involved in that crossfire, but it wasn't me. The midnight run out of the house to help a "friend" I didn't know, coupled with the anger, at me, for waiting up until 2 a.m. and asking if I could help when he returned.  Others saw the signs too.  I know it's hard to tell someone when you suspect their spouse is not behaving in an appropriate manner.  I don't fault others for remaining silent; it wasn't their place to get involved.  Please friends know this truth: the past few years have shown me how honestly strong I am.  

This summer I am allowing myself to grieve. Teaching has kept me busy for the past 10 months, it's time to heal, and move forward.  Frustrations occur at times, and tears follow.  I need to grieve the loss of my dream to be in the "perfect" marriage. Three years ago I really thought I was living my dream.  Silly me, why did I think I had just one dream to dream?  How limiting!!!  I am told I am an inspiration.  This surviving a divorce was NOT the inspiration I hoped to be for others.  It was not one of my life dreams.  I thought I wanted to be the "perfect" wife.  Now I see my dream should have been, and is, to be the best me I can be, for me.  Independence is not such a bad thing.  However, even the most independent souls need to ask for help now and again.  I don't think I can ask for help just yet!  That might be on next summer's "to-do" list.  My brother told me I have trouble asking for help because I am a Scubelek (my maiden name...pronounced Scoob-a-leck).  He wisely noted that as we grew up, Scubelek's were people who helped others, we didn't need to ask for help.  I cannot help but share my happy spirit.  THAT is just who I am.  I am working on believing I did the best I could in my marriage.  I truly am happier now.  There was a negative aura that resided too close to my soul and it was dragging me down.  It has moved on...far away from me.  Thank you negative aura for giving me all the wisdom you needed to share, but I am done with you, and I now release you.  Goodbye negative aura.  

Two of my dreams have been to be a mom and a teacher.  Both goals I have successfully achieved!  We are complex souls, capable of having multiple dreams to strive towards.  We need to always believe in the potential to reach our dreams.  Positive thinking is powerful.  I do dream of being in a serious relationship with one person again someday, but I don't think I'm healed enough for that yet. I'm scared. What if I get hurt again?  My goal now is to be truly comfortable with speaking my mind and having my voice be heard.  I continue to cherish all my relationships.  Friendships are so important in helping us reach our full potentials in life.  Perfection has many meanings in my book, and I see my life is filled with perfections!

One last thing...I still believe in romance. #hopelessromantic  I thought maybe I've lost this piece of myself.  But, alas, once a dreamer, always a dreamer.  

~Lisa Kroll, still eating, praying, loving, grieving, letting go and moving forward

"Loving myself the way I want you to love me" - Katy Perry, Love Me on the Prism album

It's no surprise that tonight's blogging music has been Katy Perry's Prism album.  Some day I dream of thanking Katy in person for sharing herself through her music.  



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Berlioz...Elsa...and Snow White

I am stepping away from my usual blog posting material.  
Tonight I am supporting a cause.  
  
If you know me, then you know I am a Disney junkie.  

I identify with Elsa and the whole frozen heart thing.  I am the older sister, have the name L'sa (sans "i" you'll note), love snowflakes, have been known to sing "Let It Go" at the top of my lungs...in public, etc.  

What you might not know it that my inner soul is more like Snow White.  I have always felt Snow was the Disney animal lover.  Snow finds the good in all.  I'd like to think I do the same.  Before Elsa, I felt completely aligned with Snow White.  I think I must be a blend of the two of them.  Tonight, my Snow White side is going to appeal to all my friends and readers.  Please help if you can.  I just started a GoFundMe account for a little kitten that I am calling Berlioz.  Berlioz, after the little black kitten in The Aristocats.  Did I mention I'm a Disney junkie???  :) My daughter, who is doing an internship at Disney World, was actually the one who came up with the name.  It's absolutely perfect!  Donate HERE: Berlioz.

Berlioz

Here is Berlioz's story.  

Yesterday, my sister found this babe as she arrived at her photography studio in South Bend, IN.  She approached him, and he was very skittish.  Still, he allows her to pick him up and cuddled as she wrapped him in a towel.  He was scared and snuggled behind her computer as she worked.  After working for a bit, she found him snoozing in the cords of her computer, he craved the heat the cords offered.  

She sent me this photo to start my day...

...she merely said, "Look what I found."  My response..."Crap."

My sister and I are truly two peas.  We can't walk away from a lost or injured animal.  During the day the next message I received said,  "Your cat is purring."  

Later it was, "Your niece is cuddling your new babe." 

Finally she said, "I'm taking YOUR cat to the vet at 5."

My cat.  

I all ready have a cat...and a dog.  Lily, the cat, is 13 years old.  We adopted her when she was a kitten.  She's diabetic and has been since she was young.  I've given her insulin shots twice a day since 2006.  Twice a day!  When I go on vacation or away, even for a day, I need to make sure someone can help me.  Let me repeat that...insulin (which isn't cheap) shots twice a day, twelve hours apart, since 2006...nine years.  Technically, Lily is my daughter's cat.  Have I mentioned that my daughter has been in college and is currently in Florida for an internship at Disney???  I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say, 98% of the shots Lily has received in her lifetime have been administered by me.  

Then there is Winston, my pooch.  

His picture was in the paper back in November of 2009.  There was an article about adopting out old dogs to older people.  When I saw his picture, it was love at first sight.  I told my ex (I was married back then) that I wanted to go meet this dog.  My ex had told our daughter that IF we ever lived on the road we were currently living on, we could get a dog.  Once we moved on to the road, my ex's memory became faulty.  He claimed he had never said that.  He had.  He just didn't like responsibility.  lol.  Regardless, I went and saw W.  He was so sweet.  My ex went out of town that week and I told the shelter that although I loved W, I could not bring home a dog without everyone in the family 1) meeting him and 2) agreeing to care for him.  I did, however, fill out adoption papers.  They would hold him for me for 24 hours.  48 hours later I was able to bring my children in to meet W.  My ex happened to be coming back in from out of town and he met us there.  We were in one of the visiting rooms with W, when one of the shelter volunteers came and told me, his adoption has all ready been taken care of.  I asked what that meant...because I suspected someone else had adopted him.  I figured we weren't meant to be dog owners after all!  The volunteer told me that someone had come in and paid for his adoption fees anonymously.  He had a guardian angel!  Older dogs, and cats are least likely to be adopted at shelters.  Someone else had seen W's picture too in the newspaper.  They came in, met him, then paid his adoption fee so whomever wanted him could just take him home.  We had the money...but he was free...meant to be ours...meant to be mine.  Due to that random act of kindness, for several years after that, I made holiday, monetary donations to our shelter, especially for older adoptees.  

Winston came home with us that night.  The next day we left for Thanksgiving Break.  We traveled, by car to the east coast.  Fourteen hours.  Winston went with us!  It was amazing!  

Winston's story is unclear before I met him.  He was skin and bones (15 pounds under weight) when I adopted him.  The shelter's director felt he was dumped.  He was not neutered, and wore a nondescript hunting collar on his neck. The director of the shelter felt he had probably outlived his hunting usefulness.  She said it is common for hunters to feel their dogs are not as sharp once they reach six years old.  Winston was six. Although my schooling and new job keep me really busy today, and I feel a tad sad that I have sole responsibility for the household menagerie...I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.  W is my boy and I feel safe with him by my side. He is also about 13 years old.  

Winston has his own blog...but I haven't helped him with it in some time.  Opposable thumbs are to be valued.  Winston Speaks.  Maybe once Berlioz joins the clan W will have more to say.  

My sister spent $90.00 on "my cat"  last night.   Her vet checked him out.  He does not have feline leukemia.  Positive!  He appears to be a healthy babe.  Positive!  He does have  a shattered back leg.  It also looks as if he has road rash on his little face.  Both possible from having been tossed from a car.  :( Being a little, black cat, just before Halloween, has not helped him.  My sister, and I agree, if she takes him to the shelter, he'll probably be put down.  Neither of us are willing to allow that to happen.  

So you see, my inner Snow White is coming out.  I cannot let this little black kitten be lost.  My sister's heart is as big as mine, and it's possible it might be bigger.  She has three cats, a dog and three young children.  She needs to NOT take on this kitten.  But me...I am alone and am a nurturing soul too.  Clearly my furry kids have needed someone who has love to offer.  I can do that.  And my heart is big enough to support another furry kid.  Given all I've been through though over this past year, I just don't think I can pay a surgery bill of $1500.00.  On the GoFundMe site my goal is to raise $2000.00 for Berlioz.  I am anticipating meds, and incidentals will be needed after surgery.  

I am confident this campaign will be successful.  When we go over and above the desired goal, the additional moneys (after medical bills are paid) will go as a donation to the veterinary clinic who does the surgery.  Next, I will spend the rest of the funds by making donations to the South Bend animal shelter, and then to my local shelter and possibly even to my vet.  My sister's vet accepts donations for a fund that is used to offset costs for those who cannot afford large fees.  As an example, Berlioz needed to have X-rays as well as tests run.  His actual vet bill last night was over $300.00.  My sister's vet dipped into this other account to make up the difference.  It seems fitting that any extra money raised should also go towards something like this as well.  

So, friends, please help.  If you can donate even a little to help this cause, please consider it.  If you cannot donate, but know someone who might be moved to help, then please share my blog or the GoFundMe link.  Here it is again:  Berlioz: GoFundMe.  

Tonight ...I've been listening to music from The Aristocats via Spotify.  

As always, thank you for sharing my life adventures.  

xoxo  

~Lisa Kroll

Lost...Who Am I?

I am entering a time in my life where everything is changing.  I don't really like change, but in order to grow it must happen.  Times of change often find us asking questions.  The question that I am being challenged with right now, Who am I?

Along the path of life it seems I have forgotten this most fundamental element...who I am.

Growing up I believed more than anything what I was to be was a mother and a wife.  That is what I aspired to be; that was my dream.  Actually, my dream was to be the BEST mother and the PERFECT wife.

A simple dream.

I have been married for almost 27 years.  My oldest child just turned 21 and my baby just graduated from high school.  My husband and children have always been my world.

When I was first married I worked full-time, but when our oldest was born I became a full-time, stay-at-home mom.  For the first five years of my son's life, I cared for another little girl too in our household.  Along came my second child and that little girl's baby brother.  I loved being a mother!  Financially times were lean, but what my husband and I were giving our children was priceless.  During those formative years I was able to monitor television exposure, encourage curiosity, build motor skills, give praise and encouragement, know what my children were eating, who they were surrounded by and share my love.  I knew what my children were exposed to because I was the one controlling all that touched their little lives.  My husband and I laid the foundation for good life skills.  My staying at home was not a decision made solely by me.  It took both of us to agree to what it would cost in our lives. Looking back from where I am now...I don't see anything that I missed out on.  But, alas, that is only my view.

As my children are leaving the nest, I see the rewards of our efforts.  Our children are beautiful human beings.  They are kind, smart and self-assured.  They will do well in whatever path they choose.

T Minus 5 Days and Counting....

Almost time for an adventure to begin.

Friends...and dreams

Dreams are such powerful things.

Just after my step-dad died I drempt he was standing next to my bed as I slept. My dream woke me abruptly. I felt like he was coming to see me to tell me he was okay. When I told my grandmother about my dream she told me it meant he needed prayers. She said when people visit you in your dreams it means they aren't settled and they need prayers. She seemed freaked out by the fact that I dream pt about Art. I decided to keep my dreams to myself when speaking to Grams. I like the idea that Art's okay better.

When I was up north last November during the time when I knew my mom was close to "crossing over" I felt several spirits all around. One was my step-dad again. I found myself trying to talk to him and tell him it was okay. He needed to come and show mom the way. I was sad that I didn't "see" my dad. I did feel something pulling on me at night when I slept. I mean really tugging on my arm. Maybe that was my dad?

I do know that this March I felt a huge sense of relief knowing my mom and dad were together once again on their anniversary. I haven't had anyone that's passed away visit my dreams since mom died. Maybe Grams was right? Maybe people who die only visit you if they need you to pray for their soul.

A few weeks ago I had a different sort of dream. I drempt I was eating dinner or lunch with my husband, my daughter and an old friend of mine from high school. I haven't thought about this old friend of mine in years. I guess I was worried that maybe he had died. Maybe he needed some prayers? I decided to Google him. If he could be found and was still alive I wanted to tell him thanks for making my high school years so fun. I've tried in the past to find him - before our last high school reunion, but no luck. This time I had a hit! And lucky for me I did find my old friend!

I don't want to disrupt his life, or mine for that matter, but I do want him to know that I have always thought he was a neat person and I am glad our lives crossed.

I truly feel that in life everything happens for a reason.

therapy

Yesterday I met with a therapist.

I told her all about last year. In the end, her jaw was on the floor. She said that just by my mom dying that was more than enough to go through.

Her advice is that I am fine. I am normal. I just need to give myself time and keep talking about my feelings.

All things I all ready knew. I just needed that reminder that I am okay.

Last night I dreamt about my grandma. She gave me a really big book. On one side of the book there was a bible. On the other side there was a bunch of family history. It was a strange dream. I haven't spoken to my grandma in a week. I do need to hear her voice. I know she has been really sad with the loss of my mom. Truthfully, I will be surprised if she can make it through the next year. I was very surprised that she made it through my mom's birthday.

Today would have been my mom and dad's 45 wedding anniversary. It's the first anniversary they have been together in 21 years. Wow. I bet there is a big celebration going on in heaven today.