Hoping in Tomorrow...

I don't have writer's block.  When there isn't anything posted, it is because I am dumping my thoughts on my private blog, or in my paper journal.  It means I am trying to decide what to share next. My personal goals are to accept how my life has played out.  I need to understand it, and why things happened as they have.  I need to understand my role, my needs, and my desires.  I am moving forward with my life.  If my writings can help someone else along they way, that makes me happy.  Not many truly understand what it is like to live with someone who has a personality disorder.  I didn't even realize that's what I was doing until I started to find my voice and put myself first. Our current political situation in America makes me feel the entire country is living through something very similar to what I have survived. The difference...  I was in the inner circle, and politically we are all at least one step removed.

I have been reflecting on what I have publicly written.  I do not have regrets for writing, but I realize that two posts ago I might have shared more than many people can handle.  As I re-read it, I know it doesn't sound like what happened could have been real.  It was.  I am glad that I documented in the moment exactly what did happen.  What I experienced was something that started long ago, nearly 33 years ago, and gradually built up.  I have been slow to mentally let things go, because I have had a lot to sort out.  It is something that I hadn't realized I had allowed to happen.  What I experienced was intense for someone in the line of fire. I have a little PTSD due to what I lived under, and it sometimes flairs up.  I am learning to recognize my triggers, work through them and not let them set me off.  Experience make us stronger.  There is risk in living, and in relationships.  Friendships are less risky than deeper, personal commitments.  When humans pair up, we trust that other person is on this ride with us, and are not working against us.  We trust they are going to build us up and be proud of our successes, not be jealous, or competitive and try to out do us.  I am a soul who loves deeply. I know people are thinking, "I wish she would move on all ready", etc.  I am, and at the pace I've needed. And I've needed a lot of time! I realize that what I have shared has been incredibly personal.  Sharing has been a necessary step in my healing.  My choice has been to write.

At this moment, I feel as if I have my hand on the door handle to my future.  You know that saying, When one door closes, Another opens up?  I feel like I am just about ready to turn the handle, open the door, AND in walking forward through the door, enter the next chapter of my life.

This is an exciting, yet scary time.  There is nothing standing in my way, except for myself.  Only my own fears are holding me back. I am still a little fearful.

Am I strong enough to speak my voice when I don't agree?
Am I able to let my opinion be known?
Am I ready to let down my guard and really open my heart to another?

Summer is here, and I think I'm ready for another adventure.

~Lisa Kroll
     spreading Love,
               and Understanding,
                      Positivity

This Mustang chases Porsches....

The highway was straight and flat.  The black Camaro entered the highway and pulled up alongside a red Mustang, both young male drivers, were doing over the posted speed limit.  IROC-Z vs. 5.0 GT. Testosterone kicked in and the battle heated up.  The needle in the Mustang had reached over 100 mph, when the red and blue candy bar lights were noticed approaching from behind.  The Z took the next exit.  The GT was from out-of-state and the state line was just 12 miles away.  Rolling the dice, the driver of the GT stupidly thought he could outrun his fate.  Several miles later, he pulled over.  The car that pulled behind him was a nondescript black police car.  

"Where're ya headed, Hoss?" The southern draw was clear.  Pause.  Driver response noted.  "See here's the difference between your car and mine.  Yours is all show, and no go, while mine is no show, and all go. I'm gonna need to see your registration and drivers license, and you're gonna have ta step out of the car." 

Not the Porsche chaser...all show and no go

..."all show and no go"...  

An imitation.  
A wanna be.  
Needing to make an impression. 

Hindsight is 20/20. We cannot out run our fate.  

In the late 80's, the California State Highway Patrol teamed up with Ford to produce a different car to meet their needs.  Formerly used were heavier Ford sedans.  The new design for the highway patrol was the Mustang SSP, Special Service Package. They were all go and no show, and highly effective.  

Their tag line was...This Mustang chases Porsches for a living.  

~Lisa Kroll, story teller, amateur historian, student of life.  
Oh, and former Mustang owner.  

Young Love...

Most of my teenage secrets reside right here.  

A few weeks ago I glanced at my Facebook account and on the right hand side under "Highlights"  I saw that my 15 year-old daughter was "IN A RELATIONSHIP"!  Just a day before we had been talking after her day at school and I asked how things went.  I will not get the exact words correct for our conversation (some thing my teen likes to point out when I retell stories) but it went something like this:  

me: So, how was your day? 

her: fine.

me: anything interesting or fun happen today? 

her: well, yeah actually I think I have a boyfriend.  

me:  you THINK you have a boyfriend?  What does that mean?  

her: well, this guy asked me if I wanted to go out sometime.

me: what does that mean (go out)?

her: like to a movie or just hang out

me: what does that mean (just hang out)? 

her: I don't know Mom!  I've never had a boyfriend before!  

Originally when we started this conversation I was getting ready to just rest for a few minutes on the couch.  Suddenly I wasn't in the mood to rest.  My son is the eldest child in our house by two years.  He's also the most shy of the two siblings.  I haven't been down this path with him.  AND, he's my son.  Somehow THIS is more personal to me.  I actually panicked a bit over this news.  But I said to my daughter, 

me: Well, It is nice when someone you like happens to like you back too.  

Then I started to think back about my first boyfriend.  Can my daughter be as lucky as me?  My first was one of the most fun, kind, sweet, caring, considerate boys a young girl could have as a boyfriend.  I was 15 and a freshman.  He was 17 and a senior.  I attended a very small school, so everyone knew everyone from K through 12.  

Then I started to read through some of my old diaries.  I was shocked to find that I had many guys I thought of as my boyfriend BEFORE what I now think of as my first boyfriend.  Which has led me to think that definitions can be tricky.  I am sure that as a 13 year old I used the term boyfriend (BF) more loosely than I would today.  I consider a BF, someone exclusive  with whom you are paired for a length of time, longer than a day, a few hours or in a dream.  Also that person knows that you exist and agrees to be exclusive with you.  For example, in my first diary (the yellow one in the photo) nearly ever entry ends with me professing my love, heart and soul to Shaun Cassidy.  In my next diary I noted on October 2nd that it was a "BAD DAY SHAUN CASSIDY GETTING MARRIED (but he's still cute!)"  How disastrous for me!  I wrote that  "it was announced (on the bus radio) that he was marrying a former Playboy model.  I felt like crying and half the kids on the bus turned around and looked right at me.  I was embarrassed."  Two sentences later I must have recovered because I talked about how nice a certain boy (who I now consider my first BF) was.  I also noted that this nice boy hung around with a bunch of "hunks" and "foxes".  

Oh, young love!  I do realize that my daughter will have many boyfriends.  That's how it should be so she can figure out who is her perfect match in life.  I just hope her heart doesn't get broken too often and that she's with people who will respect her wishes.  Hopefully she won't break too many hearts along the way either.  

As for my old diaries...wait 'til you hear the OTHER stories I have to share!  :) 

Oh Shaun, you missed out Honey!