love...

Love cannot endure indifference. It needs to be wanted. Like a lamp, it needs to be fed out of the oil of an other's heart, or its flame burns low.  
                                             
~ Henry Ward Beecher


In 2013, my second life began.  
Thankfully, I was set free.  

Today, Life is good.  But I do wonder... 

*****

Love.  
What does it have to do with anything?  

Having just lived through Valentine's Day, I'll admit, Love has been on my mind a lot.  I wonder, will I ever be able to love again?  Not be loved, but love again myself.  Can I open myself enough to love another.  As I meet others, I wonder, how guarded am I staying?  How honest and open can I, will I really be?  I worry about hurting someone else.  I do not know what it is I want or am looking for yet.  What if I lead someone on?  That's not fair to them.  

I've been trying to break down exactly what love is.  Is love a state of being?  Is love something tangible?  Is love something dependent on another? and if so, how did I fail at love?  Or did I fail?  Where does love reside in me?  I think love may be a part of my very being.  Can I separate who I am from the love that is inside of me?  Is love a combination of physical and emotional feelings with another? Is the power of love just an illusion within our own mind?  If it is, why can't I just chillax?   

Dear Universe, I have allowed myself to be desired, and to desire.  But I haven't allowed my heart to be opened.  I do not feel safe.  Is it the same old same old?  In order to love, one must give love.  Oh Universe, I give love daily; to my pets, to my students, to my friends.  Maybe I'll never be able to fully open up my heart to any one person.  Maybe a part of me will always remain guarded.  So I can always say, 'see, i knew it!' and thus be validated when I am set free again.   Dearest Universe, can you explain to me why am I so sure I will be set free again???  Isn't that a sad way to live?  Always expecting the other shoe to fall.  Why am I so gun shy?  How do I get over this stage which is filled with apprehension?  How do I move forward with this?  Maybe it's just too soon.  Maybe I haven't taken all I need to from the lessons you're trying to teach me. Guess I'm a work in progress.   

I was talking with a friend and asked, do you think maybe we are only supposed to have certain relationships for so long?  I find this funny because two short years ago I was a person who believed, when one finds love, no matter what, they persevere and work to preserve that love.  You do what you need to in your relationships to make them be successful.  I am not a quitter.  Today I feel like I didn't quit, but maybe I am seeing things in life differently.  Maybe we are meant to have many loves in our life.  Maybe we are meant to learn from each.  As we gather lessons, we become richer souls.  If that is the case, then why has my heart hurt so much?  Shall I blame Disney? ...fairy tales and unrealistic expectations. No, I can't do that.  I am a romantic soul and love fairy tales, unrealistic expectations and happy endings.  I've said before that I don't believe we change, but maybe I need to re-think my comments on that. I do believe that a leopard cannot change his spots, but his prey can adapt to the dangers he puts in their way.    

From the lessons I have learned in life thus far I am taking that I will survive, no matter what.  I am a person who lands on her feet.  I just need to allow myself a little more time.  I need to be patient with me.  I need to allow myself to live in the moment.  To Enjoy.  To only do those things that add to me.  I know that is a tad selfish, but I also know myself.  I know that I am far from a selfish person.  I love life and I need to know that it's okay to be scared.  Putting my trust in someone is a really big deal.  I'm sure I'll do it again, eventually.  


~Lisa Kroll, 
ponderer on life, 
learning how to pace myself,
and feeling happy 

Online articles I perused while researching LOVE:  
Why am I afraid to love again?  
Five theories of what love is

Blogging music tonight:  music from the group Vampire Weekend, 2010 Contra, 2013 Modern Vampires of the City, and 2008 Vampire Weekend.  Special thanks to my music guru son for listening to Vampire Weekend at the house. 

In the Pressure Pot...Living in the Moment

Oh society,  I have lived my life feeling that there is a right and a wrong way to do things. If one is a good girl, does things as prescribed should be done, one will be rewarded in the end. Age has made me wizen up. What I thought was a reward, I see now is a lesson.  We are given lessons in life.  We can grow from these lessons.    

I am at a point now where I know my time on this wonderful planet has a definite limit.  I do not know my expiration date, but I have witnessed other people's physical body decline, and know there is an end.  It's time to be true to me now.  

I have spent my first 50 years trying very hard to always be a good girl.  

Growing up I was a good student.  Almost straight A's.... I'll never claim I was perfect.  
I was home in the evenings when my parents told me to be home.  
I listened to what they said.  
I went to church.
I didn't do drugs.  
I didn't drink in high school...except for one time when I had my first bottle of wine.  Today, I cannot look at Boone's Farm Strawberry Wine, assuming it still even exists.  Just the thought makes my stomach feel queasy.  I must admit, I did lie to my mom about why I was on the floor the next morning.  She found me laying next to my water bed.  I told her it was that time of the month, and that I had bad cramps.  If she were alive today, I'd tell her I was sorry.  I suspect she knew the truth.  She loved the boy I was dating at that time.  She trusted me in his company...alcohol or no alcohol.  She knew we were being stupid.  I'm sure she'd tell everyone I deserved to come home that night and lay on a full motion water bed.  I did.  Lesson learned.  

I went off to college.  The first in my family.  I tried to follow my parents dreams for me.  I was good with numbers...I tried accounting.  Epic fail.  First time away from home, no rules, no one to answer to...I had a blast in college.  I found out I was not meant to be an accountant.  I was good at science too, so I thought I'd major in Biology or Chemistry.  Holy Crumbs!  After the entry level classes, I couldn't hang on.  To be fair, my dad did die when I was between my sophomore and junior year.  I didn't think I'd go back to college, but I did.  I finished my undergrad degree majoring in Education and Science and minoring in Math.  I received my MRS. along the way.  See, Society, I was listening to you.  As a  good girl...I found a husband.  I worked until I had children and then I stayed at home, just as my husband and I wanted.  I raised our children.  I helped propel my husband in his career.  I kept the perfect house.  I cooked the perfect meals.  I hosted the perfect birthday parties for my children.  I celebrated holidays the perfect way.  I coordinated everything for our vacations, so they were perfect too.  I did all that was asked of me...until I was told I wasn't perfect.  

Living for others. 

My mistake.  

I believed an outside voice that whispered in my ear.  
I didn't trust myself.  

When the day came that I started to understand just how perfect I really was, I started to see that others around me were not needed to help me continue to grow and be my true self.  I am not being facetious.  I do believe that I am an amazing person.  Shouldn't we all feel that way on our insides about ourselves?  I am learning to live in the moment.  I had been surviving.  Surviving was not, is not enough for me.  My time is limited, as is all our time.  I had felt that society dictated that I be married forever, and although I do believe in marriage as a life time commitment, I do not believe we are meant to hurt others in the process.  That means I am allowing myself to forgive me: to know I did the best I could at at the time.  The choices I made were the right ones at the time I made them.   

I will continue to be a good girl, but I will live on my terms.  

Society, the standards you set in the past have changed.  You forgot to give me that memo.  On second thought, maybe you gave me that memo and I forgot to read it.  It's hard to be a single girl, who is over 50, living in these times. Trying to date is different, and more difficult, now than it was 30 years ago.  I find myself falling back into a familiar pattern of holding myself back when I meet a guy.  I'm pretty sure they can't handle a confident girl...although admittedly, I don't really feel confident enough in their presence.  Men and women are expected to act a certain way when they meet.  When I was a teen, I had a poster on my wall, it said " You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince." These days I wish I could find my soul mate by snapping my fingers. Vocally I tell myself, and all who will listen, that I do not need anyone.  I think if I say it enough I will believe it. I know I am scared to expose myself and be hurt.  Life experiences can hurt.  But we also learn from what we experience and we grow.  Living in the moment means I need to trust myself.  I need to have faith.  I know that I am smart, and therefore make good choices.  Evaluating my past, I made good choices, right choices, for me.  Life is not meant to be stagnant.  


Last week I intended to write about Harry and Sally.  Can they really meet and just be friends???  Instead of blogging I watched the movie with a friend.  We shared many conversations around the topics the movie touches upon.  In the end, I decided that Harry and Sally can meet and just be friends, but I'm glad they were more. 

My real question lies in what defines intimacy?  
Sex alone does not define intimacy.  I find intimacy in sharing thoughts, desires, secrets, dreams, stories, adventures, goals, successes, etc.... my list is far from complete. 
Certainly it is physically intimate to share ones body, but deeper intimacy is gained when we connect in other ways too.  I miss intimacy in my life...but through self discovery I see that what I had defined in my brain as intimacy was in fact a very limited definition of what my heart believes it to be. Shame on me for forgetting that two people can and should be intimate both physically AND emotionally. 

Valentine's Day is a hard holiday to live with when one is trying to live in the moment and find herself.  Um, Society...get a clue...stop commercializing everything!!!  At a minimum, stop commercializing everything to only be one way.  In school, I teach my students that we are to care for everyone, every single day...not just on February 14th.  Valentine's Day needs to celebrate Caring.  

Maybe I've been trying to define what love really means to me.  Clearly I need to think about this some more....physical plus emotional intimacy = love???  I'll ponder those thoughts over this next week or two.  

best quote from my music tonight...."I want to live and not just survive!" ~Adele, from Love in the Dark on her album 25

blogging music:  Adele, 25
and
Phoenix, their Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix album via Spotify. Special thanks to my son for sharing his music at home.  As always, I am looking for new music to inspire me. 

Additional thanks to those who listen to and chat with me as I ponder the questions I have in this life, especially about relationships.  :)  

~Lisa Kroll, still eating, praying and loving

DIY: How to Love...Click Here For Details

Wouldn't it be great if learning to love was as simple as following steps on a Do It Yourself tutorial?
Click Here for Details...ha!  Not so simple. No link today my friends.   

I know this sounds like a big subject.  
Love, is big.  

Personally, I find that I can give love, I just don't know how to accept love back.  At least this is how I feel. I can give love in certain situations; I do love my children, my siblings, my nieces and nephews, my students, my job, my pets, etc.   The one person I have trouble loving...myself.  

On-line advice suggests to love yourself first.  Coincidentally, my therapist told me this same thing when she was in my life!  That sounds a bit narcissistic to me.  In order to really love, I must forgive. Forgiving oneself is hard.   

This year I will forgive myself.  

I realize the past is the past.  

I did the best I could at that time.  

I do not regret loving.

I am ready to truly love me.  

I am a happy person.  I am happy with how my life is turning out.  

The next step for me is to forgive me.  

It would be nice to have that DIY right about now.  As with all things in life, this is a process, and I must go through all the stages/steps.  (NOTE: There are lots of on-line sources detailing how to forgive yourself...NOT linking to any.) 

It's easier to forgive someone else, than it is to forgive oneself.  

Self-forgiveness...have I mentioned this is hard? 

I am guilty of not thinking of myself enough.  

So starts my process...  

I love writing, but I have not made my time to write a priority.  

About six months ago I changed that, I now carve out time weekly to write.  

I love music...all kinds.  

I have made a point of seeing artists I want to see, when I want to see them.   

It was AMAZING to see Ed Sheeran live last July.  

Straight No Chaser is a December must do for me.  

Expressing myself through dance is something else I have always wanted to do.  

I spent years and years being on the sidelines as my daughter danced.  I did not want to be a ballerina.  I did want to feel the rhythm of the music fill my soul, 

to twist and to turn, 

to glide and to sway.  

I have musicality.  

I want to be connected to another, as we both feel the music pulse through our veins.  

I do not have aspirations to be a world famous dancer. 

However, I do aspire to share the language of music and dance.  

I love sharing time with my friends!  

Again, who knew I had so many friends?  I did.  I just didn't allow myself the time to share with them.  Breakfasts, dinners, trivia nights, dancing, game playing, book clubs, texting, chatting on the phone, planning weekend get-togethers...the list is broad and endless.  

My breakfast buddy!  We have a few favorite spots in town.

************

I typically write on Saturday nights.  

Yesterday I had errands, and didn't get to my spot until late.  My mind was filled with thoughts, but I didn't get all I wanted out of my brain. Pressure!  My blogging spot was closing for the night.    

I was also feeling stuck in my thoughts.  

...and then today...

I found that DIY/How to manual on love in a place I hadn't expected.  

While sitting in church, a familiar reading started...

1 Corinthians 13New International Version 

13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

------

My priest's lesson went on to say that one needs to forgive in order to experience love.  'Forgiving oneself is similar to a having a surgeon remove a tumor.  You know you will be better off without the tumor in your body, but it is hard to let it go because it has been a piece of you, and quite possibly you nurtured it.  Still, in order to be completely healed you MUST let it go.'  

I understand the analogy.  I'm thinking of trying to come up with an analogy the suits me better. Still, I get the message.  Once I forgive myself, I can work on trusting again.  Allowing myself to be vulnerable means I will risk being hurt again.  Being loved and giving love is the greatest gift we as humans can offer one another.  

~Lisa Kroll 

2016  

forgiving myself 

discovering what I love  

learning to trust again

  

faith, hope, love

Blogging Music:  25 by Adele