There are so many stages I have gone through since my divorce. I wish there was a handout, booklet, website, etc that had explicit instructions to follow. I wish I could look into a crystal ball and see my future, or at a minimum, be able to know where I am on this non-linear path of healing. Is there an ending point?
It is so hard NOT looking at another, yes online stalking happens a little, and that leaves me not feeling worth very much. I am smart enough to know that social media is a place where others post to show off. I do keep that in mind. Still, it causes me to wonder what did I do wrong? Why wasn't I enough? What is wrong with me? All questions I hope any average, crazy person who shared nearly thirty years of her life with a cheating Narcissist might ask herself.
It is hard to see words of praise for an other's support, as if I never was a supporter. Note to self: Free up your hard drive! It's now okay to destroy those thousands of photos you took over the years. It is hard to see over the top gifts displayed, recalling I once received a picture of pocket waders as my gift. Ordered too late to be on time, and so I could walk our dog without getting my feet wet. Mostly, it's really hard to see my children displayed as items with the trophy. I remain forever grateful that I have my children in my life, but I do not like to see them on display. Surely divorce was easier when social media didn't exist.
However, this is not about the devil. He has hurt me, but I have learned to let it go. Divorce is a common thing in today's society, as is social media. Surviving being with someone who has a personality disorder is not as common. There isn't a T-shirt color I'll ever wear to symbolize my survivorship, nor are there runs or walks that will be done, but I am a survivor. Each day that goes by, I look up at the heavens and say thank you out loud to the Universe for releasing me from so much hostility and negativity.
Reflecting on the five stages of grief that one goes through with a divorce: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, I feel I am somewhere near the end of my path. It's been three years since my divorce was finalized, but longer since he emotionally checked out and then physically left.
Healing requires going through the emotional stages of grief. In an attempt to speed the process, one couples these emotional stages with self-soothing strategies. Dating sites are turned to and some less than perfect matches are tested out. Some perfect matches too, but if one isn't fully healed, they cannot possibly open their heart and trust before they have fully grieved. Other relationships MUST also be built. Same sex, meaning the sex you aren't attracted to, friendships are important because one needs to have safe relationships that will not, involve sex. When one is hurting, self-soothing with sex is a tool that unfortunately gets used. To prove that one is still desirable, one can make someone else happy, and one still has it, sex becomes an unhealthy tool. In the moment, the satisfying feelings seem justified. After the fact, they only make one feel worse. One wants to be desired not for sex, but for their brain, for how one compliments another, for their compassion, for their conversations, etc. With longevity in mind, those other qualities are truly the most important. Physically, we won't always be able to perform on cue...and I suspect our sexual appetite and stamina will betray us as we age. At least so many commercials and ads seem to imply this will happen without help. The sex you aren't attracted to relationships help build our trust, build our self esteems, and remind us we can be liked and loved for more than our bodies. This is just SO important!!!!
I have spent the past few years working on and renewing my female friendships. I am not attracted to females in the way I am to males. Sorry, ladies! I'm not the next Glennon or Elizabeth! :) I do believe that when some people get married, they buy into the societal unwritten rule that once you say "I do" that means you do everything as a couple...with your husband or wife. I know in all my Catholic upbringing I believed it hook, line and sinker. "The two shall become one", "...and a man leaves his family..." etc. In my being with someone who was so controlling, he was an equal opportunity abuser. No one ever measured up. Family, friends, no one was immune. Behind closed doors I was told such negativity about others. Because I was the sounding board, I told myself others just didn't understand him like I did. I told myself that I was special.
And I was special. I could make him look good. Until I started to know all his secrets, flaws and eventually outshine him. Somewhere along the line I stopped putting him up on the artificial pedestal he is clinging to. That was when I discovered, that even I was not immune to his brutality. Thank you Universe for helping me be set free. With my female friendships, I have learned to be validated in who I am, and to validate others in true and sincere ways. I have learned how to be loved without needing to have sex to prove to someone else my worth. Love takes so many forms, and I have so much to give. Having sex is just a tiny part of how I want to show my next greatest lover that they mean the world to me.
When married, I know I had several years where I did need to put my children first, and I am happy I did so. They were young, and they needed me. As they aged though, I found myself missing something that went unnamed, and that I didn't even realize at the time I was missing. Reflecting on the past few years, I'm not sure how I ever survived without my close, numerous female friendships. My girlfriend groups have reminded me how to have a variety of conversations: deep and serious, light hearted and naughty. They have reminded me how to go out with friends for dinner, and how to laugh with others and at myself. I love our intimate conversations be they about our children, relationships, aging or something in the news. I love hearing other opinions and thoughts, as well as sharing mine. I suppose the take away from my marriage ending is I can tell my children, and anyone else who will listen to me say, don't lose your friends and friendships just because you get married! Find ways to stay connected!
The current challenge I have been working on is filling in that blank in the title. Learning to live alone and love oneself is another stage to truly healing. Living alone, I have been learning what I like, and dislike. I have become stronger in my confidences, my abilities, and in my strengths. I try to solve challenges and problems on my own because I have become an even better problem solver. I don't need validation from some one else, because I prove to myself that I can, or that I know where to go, or who to ask for help. There is comfort and strength in being independent. I suppose when I was married I unknowingly cowered a bit because I subconsciously knew marriages can end. The old me certainly felt if my marriage ended I'd whither away into nothingness. How could I possibly survive? I felt I was a vine, intertwined with my host and if uprooted, I wouldn't, couldn't last. In living life, I have discovered that vines, have so many more hidden roots and shoots. They can't possibly die. In fact, they have so many that they come back even stronger than before. Three short years ago, I thought becoming a healed me was impossible.
I do still have fears, which I think are in our human nature. I am scared that this is as good as it gets. I'm scared I will be alone, and I will not get a chance at love again. I don't know how I'll ever meet someone who wants a mature, curvy, independent lady as their soulmate. My dental hygienist happens to be a woman and I've all ready said I'm not into women. Sorry, Vicki! lol My opinion on dating sites is that the men my age there seem to be looking for young, needy things who will hook up and feed their egos. I am not young nor am I needy. I definitely am not shallow and will feed egos only if they warrant being fed. I want to compliment someone and have them compliment me. I don't need to be fixed. I am perfect just as I am. Being alone and being lonely are two very different feelings. The loneliness I feel is from lacking intimate connection with another human. I miss being held and kissed. This was also a take away from my divorce. It wasn't because I was married to someone who kissed and held me, far from it in fact. I learned this about myself from the self-soothing stage AFTER my divorce. Self-soothing isn't a bad thing, as long as one realizes it doesn't help one move forward, it simply is a must for survival.
Putting my faith into the Universe and still holding out for my complimentary partner,
~Lisa Kroll
Independent, Curvy, Smart, Animal Loving, Life Thinker, Survivor
