Cycles: Grieving...the loss of one dream, but reaching for more....

At least one member of my family doesn't like that I write about my feelings publicly. 

Sorry, not sorry.  

This is a place for me to express the truth as I know it.   My writing is meant to help myself heal.  I hope my words are encouragement for any one else who might also be in my shoes.  I have searched the web for stories to help validate my thinking, and feel I need to add my stories to the mix.  If I can grow through this, I think anyone can. In the end, I know I really am going to be fine. In my heart, I believe I am going to be better than fine.  I all ready see positive differences in how I am feeling and how my life is playing out.  I didn't really know what being happy meant during my married years.  I was always trying to make someone else happy, relieve stress for them, put out fires, make everything perfect. I didn't put myself first.  I have not known what real love looked like between two people.  Positive relationships are where two people enhance, and help the other grow.  I've written about grieving before, but this summer is when I actually need to process my loss, let it go, and move forward.  Physically I lost a relationship, but that relationship was not a healthy one.  I was told again and again that I wasn't doing things, everything, well enough.  I always needed to improve.  I was not enhanced.  Looking back now, I clearly see the flaws in that relationship.  Hindsight is 20/20.  Today, physically I am great, but emotionally I am a work in progress that grows stronger with each passing day.  On the surface, I know I look wonderful.  All the work I need to do is on my inside, and only I can do this work.    

People who have NPD actually target their supplies.  Believe it or not, NPD's have very low self-esteem, which they project onto others, and they need to feel powerful.  They choose a partner/people in their lives, from whom they can benefit.  I was hand picked, and I played my role perfectly.  My own self-esteem has suffered due to my marriage relationship.  I have spent the better part of the past two years feeling I have failed in my marriage.  Actually, I didn't fail.  I am, and was, an amazing partner.  My ex's story is that we drifted apart.  We didn't, and it still annoys me that he said that, and tried to get me to believe it too.  He chose to break our commitment.  Cycles repeat, just like history.  NPD's cheat because they believe they won't get caught.  How do you define cheating?  "Vitamins" from California to enhance a hobby maybe, because one race official suggests supplementing workouts?  I am asked periodically if I have proof of my ex's infidelity.  I do.  I just didn't want to believe the signs.  Little lies...the friend he claimed to be with, who wasn't even in the state, his broken friendship...which he claims was because of me...how ridiculous. Pretty sure there was a female involved in that crossfire, but it wasn't me. The midnight run out of the house to help a "friend" I didn't know, coupled with the anger, at me, for waiting up until 2 a.m. and asking if I could help when he returned.  Others saw the signs too.  I know it's hard to tell someone when you suspect their spouse is not behaving in an appropriate manner.  I don't fault others for remaining silent; it wasn't their place to get involved.  Please friends know this truth: the past few years have shown me how honestly strong I am.  

This summer I am allowing myself to grieve. Teaching has kept me busy for the past 10 months, it's time to heal, and move forward.  Frustrations occur at times, and tears follow.  I need to grieve the loss of my dream to be in the "perfect" marriage. Three years ago I really thought I was living my dream.  Silly me, why did I think I had just one dream to dream?  How limiting!!!  I am told I am an inspiration.  This surviving a divorce was NOT the inspiration I hoped to be for others.  It was not one of my life dreams.  I thought I wanted to be the "perfect" wife.  Now I see my dream should have been, and is, to be the best me I can be, for me.  Independence is not such a bad thing.  However, even the most independent souls need to ask for help now and again.  I don't think I can ask for help just yet!  That might be on next summer's "to-do" list.  My brother told me I have trouble asking for help because I am a Scubelek (my maiden name...pronounced Scoob-a-leck).  He wisely noted that as we grew up, Scubelek's were people who helped others, we didn't need to ask for help.  I cannot help but share my happy spirit.  THAT is just who I am.  I am working on believing I did the best I could in my marriage.  I truly am happier now.  There was a negative aura that resided too close to my soul and it was dragging me down.  It has moved on...far away from me.  Thank you negative aura for giving me all the wisdom you needed to share, but I am done with you, and I now release you.  Goodbye negative aura.  

Two of my dreams have been to be a mom and a teacher.  Both goals I have successfully achieved!  We are complex souls, capable of having multiple dreams to strive towards.  We need to always believe in the potential to reach our dreams.  Positive thinking is powerful.  I do dream of being in a serious relationship with one person again someday, but I don't think I'm healed enough for that yet. I'm scared. What if I get hurt again?  My goal now is to be truly comfortable with speaking my mind and having my voice be heard.  I continue to cherish all my relationships.  Friendships are so important in helping us reach our full potentials in life.  Perfection has many meanings in my book, and I see my life is filled with perfections!

One last thing...I still believe in romance. #hopelessromantic  I thought maybe I've lost this piece of myself.  But, alas, once a dreamer, always a dreamer.  

~Lisa Kroll, still eating, praying, loving, grieving, letting go and moving forward

"Loving myself the way I want you to love me" - Katy Perry, Love Me on the Prism album

It's no surprise that tonight's blogging music has been Katy Perry's Prism album.  Some day I dream of thanking Katy in person for sharing herself through her music.  



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Feeling a little Stevie Wonder-ish....

I'm Trying to think back on what type of music my dad preferred...I'm drawing a blank.  

My brother, who rode to work with my dad during the last summer dad was alive, confirmed there was country music in dad's car, but it was mostly talk radio he listened to - Warren Frieberg and Paul Harvey.  I recall several songs that stuck out. In the Country genre...You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me Lucille, by Kenny Rogers.  Most of dad's favorites were NOT country hits...Freddie Fender's, Feliz Navidad.  Dad LOVED that song. Oh, Lord It's Hard to be Humble (When You are Perfect in Every Way), by Mac Davis.  For some odd reason he also really liked Pink Floyd's, Another Brick in the Wall.  Eclectic tastes?  Self discovery noted!  The apple doesn't fall far from the tree!  

What a crazy mix of music!  When we were really young, on Sunday after church, we'd go visit one of the grandparent households.  The music of choice on Sunday...Polkas.  I swear, Polkas!  There were Chicago radio stations that we could just barely receive on the car tuner.  Polish victory when The Beer Barrel Polka came on, or I Don't Want Her You Can Have Her (she's too fat for me), and In Heaven There is No Beer (that's why we drink it here). 

The song that makes me recall my dad the most?  Stevie Wonder's, I Just Called to Say I Love You.  When I hear that song, I am sure it's my dad's way of reaching down from the heavens and telling me his spirit is still in my heart.  

I wonder what song/s might trigger that reaction in my own children? 

*****

When I was in my early 20's, my dad died and my brother and I were old enough to be off to college.  Our baby sister was still at home, she was just five years old.  My brother and I lived together for almost two years during college.  We rented a house and had a third roomie; a friend from high school.  It was Three's Company in reverse.  During that time, mom wouldn't call as regularly as I thought she should.  She didn't check in and I was miffed.  Did she NOT care???  My brother and I talked about it.  We compared notes, "Have you heard from mom?" "When did you talk to mom last?" Sometimes we'd wait her out..."I'm NOT calling her!"  Our poor mom, when she did call, we'd give her the third degree topped with a little snotty attitude.  

Today, I finally get it.  I love my kiddos, but I have faith that I have raised them to be independent, capable souls.  Now, is the time for me to worry about me, and not worry about them.  I will always worry, but I'm not worried!  My oldest nephew is heading off to college in a few short months.  I'm sure my brother will go through the same separation that I did, the same separation our mother experienced.  It is how life is supposed to happen.  

When Katy Perry, or Ed Sheeran, or Vampire Weekend or fill in the blank, come on in a grocery store, elevator or the radio...I hope my kids will smile and say, "Our mom...her music choices...and laugh."  

I miss my parents.  I'm glad I have my siblings with whom I can share awesome memories.  

Tonight's blogging music:  Vampire Weekend, Ed, Katy, and my Disney playlist which includes: Baroque Hoedown (Electric Parade Theme Music from Disney World), Tapestry of Nations (Epcot's World Showcase fireworks music), The Lion Sleeps Tonight (Lion King), Let It Go, Reindeer(s) are Better than People (Frozen), Something That I Want (Tangled), Zero to Hero, I Can Go the Distance (Hercules), Two Worlds, You'll Be in My Heart (Tarzan)....and other wonderful, bouncy songs!!!  

~Lisa Kroll, age 52, 10 weeks and one day...
It's official...I've outlived my dad!  
Woo Hoo for small victories!  Time to really live now.

Exemplars

(noun)  

a person or 
thing serving as a 
typical example 
or excellent model


Tonight I am reflecting back on the love I witnessed growing up with my perspective, colored by age and life experience.  

My parents.  My exemplars.  

Each was a beautiful soul.  They cared so deeply about one another, and about family.  Family gatherings...weddings, funerals, religious celebrations, birthdays, holidays...were BIG events.  It seemed we were always celebrating something, and the only friends I had for a long time, were ones who were related to me. I'm sure my cousins might have had this same feeling! My roots are Italian and Polish, with some of my greats having come directly over from the mother countries.  Although Italian and Polish were spoken by a few of the elders, sadly I did not pick up any of either language.  Great aunts and uncles, regular aunts and uncles, first, second, and third cousins and their spouses attended the weddings and funerals.  It seemed someone was always getting married or dying.  

I literally grew up thinking I was related to everyone who lived in my community until I went to fifth grade.  The summer before I entered the fifth grade, my parents moved to a new community.  The funny thing was, many of our friends and family from my first community moved as well, joining my new community.  

Beyond family, my parents knew everyone and everyone knew them.  

It was common knowledge that if a neighbor needed ANYTHING, they could count on my parents. Thinking about this now, I'm sure the feeling was reciprocated.  My dad was an Electrical Engineer by trade and my mom was an office manager for a doctor's office, but within our community dad was a volunteer fireman and mom was a certified Emergency Medical Technician volunteer.  They were always "on call", and helped whenever needed.  I vividly remember emergencies in the middle of the night where both my parents responded, along with all the other volunteer emergency crew. On top of volunteering, both my parents were involved with my brother and I as were were growing up.  Mom did typical mom stuff: organized summer camps, was a volunteer in my school, served on the PTA, AND had a Ceramic business out of our basement.  As my brother and I aged, both our parents involvement changed as well.  Our parents were chaperones on band trips, and dad even had a chauffeur's license so he could drive the school bus for those trips. I had the coolest parents.    

Visible to others was a couple who truly were a super couple.  

As a child, I witnessed the backside of an amazing love.  

I never noticed if my brother and I lacked material goods.  However, I do recall that once a month, dad would balance the checkbook.  This was code for my brother and I to disappear into our rooms.  We were neither seen, nor heard during the balancing of the checkbook.  Dad was generally an even tempered person.  Mom was a spender.  I guess mom just knew things would be okay.  Dad didn't always agree and when this happened, his even temper became off kilter.  They would argue, but in the end they would assure my brother and I that they loved each other.  And they did.  My parents were not perfect, and they knew that about themselves and one another.  They were willing to overlook imperfections and love with their whole heart anyway.  They laughed together, played together, helped the community together, and loved their family together.  

An Aunt recently sent me the above photograph.  As I looked at it, my eyes teared up.  I miss them both so much.  I hope, and I think their spirit lives within my heart.  I know I longed to be a part of a super couple, but I also know that because of my parents, there isn't anything I can't do all by myself.  Part of my journey now is to learn to forgive myself for not living up to that exemplar I knew.  They were just one example.  

In today's society extended families have drifted apart and with these drifts core values have become diluted.  I feel we live in a society that no longer promotes super couples.  I think we encourage too many selfish behaviors and not enough behaviors of taking care of one another.  Our older generations still get it, but souls my age seem more selfish, and our youth...I am worried for them. Maybe I have become a skeptic.  Maybe, as I continue to age, I'll see the cycle repeat and super couples will again be a thing.  Time will tell.  

Regardless, with my friends I will continue to laugh, play, help my community, and love my family.  In my own way I will be a reflection of the exemplar above, and hopefully encourage others along the way.  Thank you friends, for loving me on this journey.  

~Lisa Kroll
         ponderer of emotions  

Tonight's blogging music...  

from Adele's 25, Remedy, Sweetest Devotion; 
from Ed Sheehan's X, One, Tenerife Sea, Thinking Out Loud, Shirtsleeves; 
From Ed Sheehan's 5, Be Like You, Let It Out, Where We Land; 
from Ed Sheehan's +, Kiss Me, Give Me Love; 
from Dean Martin, You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You, Sway.  

Decisions....

Each night, I set out my clothes for the next day.  I gather all my things so I am completely ready, down to shoes and jewelry.  I have found that I need the routine to make my mornings run smoothly.  It is one decision that I do not need to make as my day starts.  I get up, get ready, and walk out the door feeling set.  No pressures.  

One Wednesday night, as I set out my outfit I was deciding what to wear around a pair of socks.  Yes, socks. Olaf the snowman from Frozen socks. We were celebrating Dr. Seuss at school this particular week, and each day had a theme.  Thursday would be crazy sock day. I must admit, I spent too much time that night struggling with what I would be wearing the next day.  

Thursday arrived.  I got up and started my routine: shower, dress, hair, make-up, coffee, breakfast, then out the door.  

As the day wore on, I noticed I was in a funk.  Something was off, and I struggled to figure it out.  I was emotionally off.  I felt I needed to get home, and I wasn’t sure why.  When I finally did arrive home, I went straight to my room and changed my clothes.  I literally peeled off my bad mood. I had been wearing clothes from the person whom I used to be.  

Who knew?  The clothes make the person.  True.  They do.  

In a matter of minutes, I realized I have spent a certain amount of my life dressing to be someone else; trying to be the person I felt I was supposed to be instead of being the person I am.  No more.  I am free to embrace myself!  Free to love me and all that I am.  I am no longer someone who shops a certain label.  I still like a classy look, but I am more a flowers-frills-and-flowing-dresses type.  It matches my personality.  I am a can-do, handy, capable, smart person.  I am not someone who needs to march to the beat of someone else's drum.  I am not high and mighty. I would rather help someone else, than have someone help or wait on me.  

In life, stories must end so new stories may begin.  I am happily living the story I am meant to live right now.  I still look at the pages of my old story from time to time, but I know those final chapters have played out.  Stories teach us lessons. Thank you Universe for helping me learn my lessons, realize I have more stories to be a part of and happily be me.

~Lisa Kroll, still Eating to nourish my body, Praying private prayers and Loving myself

Blogging Music tonight:  Jason Mraz, We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things, 2008.  

What a great album, but particularly love Make it Mine, I'm Yours, Lucky, Butterfly, Live High.

love...

Love cannot endure indifference. It needs to be wanted. Like a lamp, it needs to be fed out of the oil of an other's heart, or its flame burns low.  
                                             
~ Henry Ward Beecher


In 2013, my second life began.  
Thankfully, I was set free.  

Today, Life is good.  But I do wonder... 

*****

Love.  
What does it have to do with anything?  

Having just lived through Valentine's Day, I'll admit, Love has been on my mind a lot.  I wonder, will I ever be able to love again?  Not be loved, but love again myself.  Can I open myself enough to love another.  As I meet others, I wonder, how guarded am I staying?  How honest and open can I, will I really be?  I worry about hurting someone else.  I do not know what it is I want or am looking for yet.  What if I lead someone on?  That's not fair to them.  

I've been trying to break down exactly what love is.  Is love a state of being?  Is love something tangible?  Is love something dependent on another? and if so, how did I fail at love?  Or did I fail?  Where does love reside in me?  I think love may be a part of my very being.  Can I separate who I am from the love that is inside of me?  Is love a combination of physical and emotional feelings with another? Is the power of love just an illusion within our own mind?  If it is, why can't I just chillax?   

Dear Universe, I have allowed myself to be desired, and to desire.  But I haven't allowed my heart to be opened.  I do not feel safe.  Is it the same old same old?  In order to love, one must give love.  Oh Universe, I give love daily; to my pets, to my students, to my friends.  Maybe I'll never be able to fully open up my heart to any one person.  Maybe a part of me will always remain guarded.  So I can always say, 'see, i knew it!' and thus be validated when I am set free again.   Dearest Universe, can you explain to me why am I so sure I will be set free again???  Isn't that a sad way to live?  Always expecting the other shoe to fall.  Why am I so gun shy?  How do I get over this stage which is filled with apprehension?  How do I move forward with this?  Maybe it's just too soon.  Maybe I haven't taken all I need to from the lessons you're trying to teach me. Guess I'm a work in progress.   

I was talking with a friend and asked, do you think maybe we are only supposed to have certain relationships for so long?  I find this funny because two short years ago I was a person who believed, when one finds love, no matter what, they persevere and work to preserve that love.  You do what you need to in your relationships to make them be successful.  I am not a quitter.  Today I feel like I didn't quit, but maybe I am seeing things in life differently.  Maybe we are meant to have many loves in our life.  Maybe we are meant to learn from each.  As we gather lessons, we become richer souls.  If that is the case, then why has my heart hurt so much?  Shall I blame Disney? ...fairy tales and unrealistic expectations. No, I can't do that.  I am a romantic soul and love fairy tales, unrealistic expectations and happy endings.  I've said before that I don't believe we change, but maybe I need to re-think my comments on that. I do believe that a leopard cannot change his spots, but his prey can adapt to the dangers he puts in their way.    

From the lessons I have learned in life thus far I am taking that I will survive, no matter what.  I am a person who lands on her feet.  I just need to allow myself a little more time.  I need to be patient with me.  I need to allow myself to live in the moment.  To Enjoy.  To only do those things that add to me.  I know that is a tad selfish, but I also know myself.  I know that I am far from a selfish person.  I love life and I need to know that it's okay to be scared.  Putting my trust in someone is a really big deal.  I'm sure I'll do it again, eventually.  


~Lisa Kroll, 
ponderer on life, 
learning how to pace myself,
and feeling happy 

Online articles I perused while researching LOVE:  
Why am I afraid to love again?  
Five theories of what love is

Blogging music tonight:  music from the group Vampire Weekend, 2010 Contra, 2013 Modern Vampires of the City, and 2008 Vampire Weekend.  Special thanks to my music guru son for listening to Vampire Weekend at the house. 

In the Pressure Pot...Living in the Moment

Oh society,  I have lived my life feeling that there is a right and a wrong way to do things. If one is a good girl, does things as prescribed should be done, one will be rewarded in the end. Age has made me wizen up. What I thought was a reward, I see now is a lesson.  We are given lessons in life.  We can grow from these lessons.    

I am at a point now where I know my time on this wonderful planet has a definite limit.  I do not know my expiration date, but I have witnessed other people's physical body decline, and know there is an end.  It's time to be true to me now.  

I have spent my first 50 years trying very hard to always be a good girl.  

Growing up I was a good student.  Almost straight A's.... I'll never claim I was perfect.  
I was home in the evenings when my parents told me to be home.  
I listened to what they said.  
I went to church.
I didn't do drugs.  
I didn't drink in high school...except for one time when I had my first bottle of wine.  Today, I cannot look at Boone's Farm Strawberry Wine, assuming it still even exists.  Just the thought makes my stomach feel queasy.  I must admit, I did lie to my mom about why I was on the floor the next morning.  She found me laying next to my water bed.  I told her it was that time of the month, and that I had bad cramps.  If she were alive today, I'd tell her I was sorry.  I suspect she knew the truth.  She loved the boy I was dating at that time.  She trusted me in his company...alcohol or no alcohol.  She knew we were being stupid.  I'm sure she'd tell everyone I deserved to come home that night and lay on a full motion water bed.  I did.  Lesson learned.  

I went off to college.  The first in my family.  I tried to follow my parents dreams for me.  I was good with numbers...I tried accounting.  Epic fail.  First time away from home, no rules, no one to answer to...I had a blast in college.  I found out I was not meant to be an accountant.  I was good at science too, so I thought I'd major in Biology or Chemistry.  Holy Crumbs!  After the entry level classes, I couldn't hang on.  To be fair, my dad did die when I was between my sophomore and junior year.  I didn't think I'd go back to college, but I did.  I finished my undergrad degree majoring in Education and Science and minoring in Math.  I received my MRS. along the way.  See, Society, I was listening to you.  As a  good girl...I found a husband.  I worked until I had children and then I stayed at home, just as my husband and I wanted.  I raised our children.  I helped propel my husband in his career.  I kept the perfect house.  I cooked the perfect meals.  I hosted the perfect birthday parties for my children.  I celebrated holidays the perfect way.  I coordinated everything for our vacations, so they were perfect too.  I did all that was asked of me...until I was told I wasn't perfect.  

Living for others. 

My mistake.  

I believed an outside voice that whispered in my ear.  
I didn't trust myself.  

When the day came that I started to understand just how perfect I really was, I started to see that others around me were not needed to help me continue to grow and be my true self.  I am not being facetious.  I do believe that I am an amazing person.  Shouldn't we all feel that way on our insides about ourselves?  I am learning to live in the moment.  I had been surviving.  Surviving was not, is not enough for me.  My time is limited, as is all our time.  I had felt that society dictated that I be married forever, and although I do believe in marriage as a life time commitment, I do not believe we are meant to hurt others in the process.  That means I am allowing myself to forgive me: to know I did the best I could at at the time.  The choices I made were the right ones at the time I made them.   

I will continue to be a good girl, but I will live on my terms.  

Society, the standards you set in the past have changed.  You forgot to give me that memo.  On second thought, maybe you gave me that memo and I forgot to read it.  It's hard to be a single girl, who is over 50, living in these times. Trying to date is different, and more difficult, now than it was 30 years ago.  I find myself falling back into a familiar pattern of holding myself back when I meet a guy.  I'm pretty sure they can't handle a confident girl...although admittedly, I don't really feel confident enough in their presence.  Men and women are expected to act a certain way when they meet.  When I was a teen, I had a poster on my wall, it said " You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince." These days I wish I could find my soul mate by snapping my fingers. Vocally I tell myself, and all who will listen, that I do not need anyone.  I think if I say it enough I will believe it. I know I am scared to expose myself and be hurt.  Life experiences can hurt.  But we also learn from what we experience and we grow.  Living in the moment means I need to trust myself.  I need to have faith.  I know that I am smart, and therefore make good choices.  Evaluating my past, I made good choices, right choices, for me.  Life is not meant to be stagnant.  


Last week I intended to write about Harry and Sally.  Can they really meet and just be friends???  Instead of blogging I watched the movie with a friend.  We shared many conversations around the topics the movie touches upon.  In the end, I decided that Harry and Sally can meet and just be friends, but I'm glad they were more. 

My real question lies in what defines intimacy?  
Sex alone does not define intimacy.  I find intimacy in sharing thoughts, desires, secrets, dreams, stories, adventures, goals, successes, etc.... my list is far from complete. 
Certainly it is physically intimate to share ones body, but deeper intimacy is gained when we connect in other ways too.  I miss intimacy in my life...but through self discovery I see that what I had defined in my brain as intimacy was in fact a very limited definition of what my heart believes it to be. Shame on me for forgetting that two people can and should be intimate both physically AND emotionally. 

Valentine's Day is a hard holiday to live with when one is trying to live in the moment and find herself.  Um, Society...get a clue...stop commercializing everything!!!  At a minimum, stop commercializing everything to only be one way.  In school, I teach my students that we are to care for everyone, every single day...not just on February 14th.  Valentine's Day needs to celebrate Caring.  

Maybe I've been trying to define what love really means to me.  Clearly I need to think about this some more....physical plus emotional intimacy = love???  I'll ponder those thoughts over this next week or two.  

best quote from my music tonight...."I want to live and not just survive!" ~Adele, from Love in the Dark on her album 25

blogging music:  Adele, 25
and
Phoenix, their Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix album via Spotify. Special thanks to my son for sharing his music at home.  As always, I am looking for new music to inspire me. 

Additional thanks to those who listen to and chat with me as I ponder the questions I have in this life, especially about relationships.  :)  

~Lisa Kroll, still eating, praying and loving

DIY: How to Love...Click Here For Details

Wouldn't it be great if learning to love was as simple as following steps on a Do It Yourself tutorial?
Click Here for Details...ha!  Not so simple. No link today my friends.   

I know this sounds like a big subject.  
Love, is big.  

Personally, I find that I can give love, I just don't know how to accept love back.  At least this is how I feel. I can give love in certain situations; I do love my children, my siblings, my nieces and nephews, my students, my job, my pets, etc.   The one person I have trouble loving...myself.  

On-line advice suggests to love yourself first.  Coincidentally, my therapist told me this same thing when she was in my life!  That sounds a bit narcissistic to me.  In order to really love, I must forgive. Forgiving oneself is hard.   

This year I will forgive myself.  

I realize the past is the past.  

I did the best I could at that time.  

I do not regret loving.

I am ready to truly love me.  

I am a happy person.  I am happy with how my life is turning out.  

The next step for me is to forgive me.  

It would be nice to have that DIY right about now.  As with all things in life, this is a process, and I must go through all the stages/steps.  (NOTE: There are lots of on-line sources detailing how to forgive yourself...NOT linking to any.) 

It's easier to forgive someone else, than it is to forgive oneself.  

Self-forgiveness...have I mentioned this is hard? 

I am guilty of not thinking of myself enough.  

So starts my process...  

I love writing, but I have not made my time to write a priority.  

About six months ago I changed that, I now carve out time weekly to write.  

I love music...all kinds.  

I have made a point of seeing artists I want to see, when I want to see them.   

It was AMAZING to see Ed Sheeran live last July.  

Straight No Chaser is a December must do for me.  

Expressing myself through dance is something else I have always wanted to do.  

I spent years and years being on the sidelines as my daughter danced.  I did not want to be a ballerina.  I did want to feel the rhythm of the music fill my soul, 

to twist and to turn, 

to glide and to sway.  

I have musicality.  

I want to be connected to another, as we both feel the music pulse through our veins.  

I do not have aspirations to be a world famous dancer. 

However, I do aspire to share the language of music and dance.  

I love sharing time with my friends!  

Again, who knew I had so many friends?  I did.  I just didn't allow myself the time to share with them.  Breakfasts, dinners, trivia nights, dancing, game playing, book clubs, texting, chatting on the phone, planning weekend get-togethers...the list is broad and endless.  

My breakfast buddy!  We have a few favorite spots in town.

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I typically write on Saturday nights.  

Yesterday I had errands, and didn't get to my spot until late.  My mind was filled with thoughts, but I didn't get all I wanted out of my brain. Pressure!  My blogging spot was closing for the night.    

I was also feeling stuck in my thoughts.  

...and then today...

I found that DIY/How to manual on love in a place I hadn't expected.  

While sitting in church, a familiar reading started...

1 Corinthians 13New International Version 

13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

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My priest's lesson went on to say that one needs to forgive in order to experience love.  'Forgiving oneself is similar to a having a surgeon remove a tumor.  You know you will be better off without the tumor in your body, but it is hard to let it go because it has been a piece of you, and quite possibly you nurtured it.  Still, in order to be completely healed you MUST let it go.'  

I understand the analogy.  I'm thinking of trying to come up with an analogy the suits me better. Still, I get the message.  Once I forgive myself, I can work on trusting again.  Allowing myself to be vulnerable means I will risk being hurt again.  Being loved and giving love is the greatest gift we as humans can offer one another.  

~Lisa Kroll 

2016  

forgiving myself 

discovering what I love  

learning to trust again

  

faith, hope, love

Blogging Music:  25 by Adele