Loss...

I need to be able to write about what's happening with me.  Life sort of sucks.

By sort of, I mean it sucks, but that I am surviving.  It's not what I expected, but I am plugging along.

I've been reading up on divorce recently.  I have read that it can hurt as much, or more, as when you have someone die in your life.  I've been down that path!  I am a survivor.  One has to go through the mourning process through a divorce, just like when you have someone close die.  That's what my heart and head are dealing with right now.  I am mourning the loss of my dream of being a wife and married forever.  Mourning that I will not share everything with one person.

Apparently my husband checked out sometime ago from "us".  I'm not sure when it happened for him.  I really thought we were just going through something.  I was looking forward to our last child leaving the house.  It really was finally going to be time for us.  No digressing though.  He has made his choice.  He has made it impossible for me to even look at him without feeling sorry for him.  He has hurt the one thing in life that loved him more than life itself.  I cannot trust a single word that falls out of his mouth. Ever.

I was not anticipating feeling so devastated at this point in my life.  At times, I don't even feel I can move forward.  How can he be fine with all of this?  Why?  Where did we go wrong?  Will I ever be happy again?  Will I ever trust again?  Will anyone ever honestly love me again?  Will I ever be able to honestly love again?  Was so much of what I lived a lie?  Does Happily Ever After even exist? These questions pop into my brain at times.

Honestly, I am happier without him in my life.  I do not walk on eggshells any more.

Last week I started attending a divorce support group. There is something comforting in having others tell their stories, and telling my story, and to know that you are not alone.  I just need someone to walk with me on this journey.

I want a new relationship, but I am SO not ready.  Yes, I want to be kissed, and held and more.  But I know I need to really love myself first.  I do not totally love myself yet.  He made me feel so incredibly at fault for everything.  Shame on me for allowing that.  I need to heal and not allow anyone to ever make me feel that way again.

At the divorce support group meeting the topic was New Relationships.  This is a church based support group.  I do believe in God, so this is good for me.  I was reminded last week that God accepts and loves me exactly how I am.  That I am a whole person and not the other half of someone else.  All the emotional abuse my soon-to-be-ex did to me was not about me.  It was about him.  About him not being good enough, not having a healthy self-esteem, about him needing to feel like he was superior.  To allow himself to feel superior, he cut me down.  Not just me, but everyone really who crosses his path.  And he still does it.  He cannot change.  He's running from the demons in his own head, but he will never be able to get away.  And he cannot be happy for anyone else's successes.    He cannot love.

I need to learn to let him go and the feelings I have from his abuse. He is no longer my responsibility.  I am not anything he said.

I am capable.
I am perfect.
I am smart.
I am not fat.
I am beautiful.  
...and I can do ANYTHING!

~Lisa