Life in the "Shuffle Mode"

It has recently come to my attention that I might have a problem with being flexible in life.  Interesting thought.  I believe I've been doing a pretty good job of dealing with what comes my way.  Certainly the past few years have NOT played out as I thought they would.  
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While sharing some of my music with a friend, I was talking about the songs and what was coming up next. "Don't you ever just listen to your music in Shuffle?" I was asked.  

No.  No, I don't.  Why?  

"It is just sort of nice to see what randomly plays next."  

Well, that might be true.  I don't do shuffle mode.  

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This conversation stuck with me.  
Is there something wrong with not doing the shuffle mode?  And why do I avoid it?  

I think I know why.  I have lived needing to be able to head off potential problems.  If I know what is next on my playlist, I can mentally prepare or avoid problems.  I can avoid hearing others complain about my music... about my song choices.  Believe it or not, that has been an issue I have had to deal with.  

No more.  I have added a Post-it to my vision board.  It says, "Learn to live life in the shuffle mode."  

I am trying to actually not plan what I need to do on certain days.  On Friday night, if you ask me what I am doing on Saturday, I might tell you...I'll decide that on Saturday!  Although, I have started to really enjoy my blogging night!  But, this brings up another topic.  Dating.  

Pretty sure that topic needs it's own posting.  

I must add, I do feel that when an artist puts together a CD, they plan out how they want a listener to hear their music.  Some CD's actually tell a story.  My girls, Katy (Prism) and Taylor (1989), both tell stories on their latest CD's.  Other artists may control your listening mood...thinking of my Joshua Bell CD, At Home with Friends.  
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Tonight, I am listening to a new CD, Let The Road, by the group Rixton.  So far, I am impressed.  I like.  For the record, I am listening to in straight through, no shuffle mode.  

~Lisa 

The Big D

Emotions are like a roller coaster right now.

Love songs, suck.
Seeing couples together, holding hands, sharing sweet talk, sucks.
Seeing parents with their kids, sucks.
Basically, happy people, suck.  

But I must move forward.  
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Wednesday.   Mediation.  It started at 9 am and by 2:30 pm I was a divorced woman.  The first person in my family, on either of my bloodlines to be divorced (as far as I know...correction, my brother reminded me of one aunt and uncle, but the did get back together).  My sister said she will print me a certificate.  Lovely.  

After the papers were signed, my attorney told me I was to immediately go to the bank and take the money that was mine per the settlement agreement.  So I did.  Only guess what, his car was there.  It wasn't the branch he works at so I had thought I'd be fine.  I wasn't.  Plan B.  Go to his branch then.  

When I got there, I parked in the spot where he typically parks.  Guess I hoped he'd come there and this way he wouldn't miss me.  I went in and told one of the clerks I needed to withdrawal all the money out of my savings account.  I was his wife and we just got divorced.  She gave me a nervous laugh as she looked at me.  Then she realized I wasn't joking.  And she said, "Oh, you aren't joking."  I told her I had all the paper work.  

I also told her I was going to cut up my debit card, my credit card and my health savings card in front of her and place them in an envelope, if she had one.  She handed me the scissors and and envelope, then went about pulling up my account information.  I cut up the cards: one, two, three.  Then I placed them in the envelope.  I sealed the envelope.  And then I went over the top....

Before I had come into the bank, I had touched up my mascara and my lipstick.  After I sealed the envelope, I kissed it.  Honestly, I did.  

My sister looked at me and said, "I think that may be a bit much."  I asked if she thought I needed a new envelope and she said yes.  So I turned the envelope around and asked the clerk who was helping me what she thought.  After a few seconds of contemplating, she said she thought it was perfect.  I thought so too!  So I left it.  

Then I wrote his name in cute letters on the front.  I am not ashamed.  I was definitely on that emotional roller coaster. 

The clerk who was helping me went to get my cashiers check and then when she came back, she said she would usually ask if I wanted to talk with someone in Wealth Management about investing my money, but she was sure I didn't want to today.  I smiled and told her she was correct.  I asked if she minded delivering the envelope, and she said no.  As I walked out, all the other clerks smiled and told me to have a great day.  Clearly the news had traveled as to what I was doing.  I told them I absolutely would!  I went to my other bank and made a deposit.  

Thursday.   I woke in the morning and reality was setting in.  Still very much on that emotional roller coaster.  OMG!  I. Am. Divorced.  What's that noise upstairs?  Animals on the roof?  No, it's too big?  Who the h*ll is here!!!!  Oh, it's my sister.  Emotions.  What the heck?  I've been alone for well over a year.  Nothing has changed except a piece of paper was signed.  



He came over in the evening and mowed his mom's grass, but not mine.  Well, what did I expect?  He stepped away from all responsibilities long ago.  Signing the papers set him free as well.  

Friday.  Not even going to mention Friday.  Crazy emotions.  I am definitely mourning the loss of something I had thought I finished mourning.  Trying to be forgiving to myself, allow myself to mourn, and understand that this is a huge life change that I am going through.  

Saturday.  Today.  
Paths crossed at the local Farmer's Market.  Crap.  He was with someone.  I walked right past them.  I told her to 'have fun'.  (She has no idea what he is really like.)  I told him 'thanks for not mowing my grass on Thursday'.  As I got closer to him, I noted hostility in his eyes.  It was hostility mixed with anger.  His body language actually made the hair on the back of my neck raise up.  I could feel his hatred of me oozing out through his eyes.  OMG!  I didn't do anything.  He's the emotionally abusive one.  Is that what I was seeing?  Has he just reached this level because I no longer bow down to him?  I was actually scared of him, for the first time. Ever.  

My initial reaction was to run.  But I didn't. I went and bought the prettiest bouquet of flowers I could find.  Then I held my head high and I walked the entire Farmer's Market with a big smile on my face. Again, I have done nothing wrong.  I was not the one who was emotionally abusive.  I was not the one who broke our marriage vows.  I was not the one who f*cked up.  

But I am the one who is the happiest.  I am so grateful to be free from him.  Emotional abuse is real.  No one deserves to be treated as I have been treated.  I am not crazy.  

On Wednesday morning, I was reading through some of my paper journals while at mediation.  I have written in them for years.  I have at least 15.  Wow.  Everything is documented.  I am NOT crazy.  I am ready to move forward.  Those journals are a reminder of how weak I used to be.  I am not the same person.  Pretty sure THAT is what drove him away.  Thank goodness.  

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Tonight's music:  Sing
Who is this guy, Ed Sheeran?  Holy Crumbs!  His music is great.  Have you listened to his songs.  The lyrics speak like someone much older than his 24 years.  

Tonight, I bought his CD called X, pronounced Multiply.  Check him out!  He is an amazing talent who will certainly be around for a long time.  Watching his videos, and his entire X album is on YouTube, he reminds me of Ron Weasley!  So adorable!!!  After listening to this album tonight, and writing, I am much better.  Thanks Ed!  I'd love to cross paths with you someday!  

I'm always looking for new music to listen to.  Anyone have any suggestions?  Drop me a comment.  
~Lisa 

Shut Up and Dance With Me!

Today's music:
Shut up and Dance by Walk the Moon from their Talking is Hard  album

If you ask me how I am,
my answer will be a very short,
"Fine."

When I say that, you need to know
I am lying.

I will hold back.

I am too scared to bare my heart.
I would rather listen to others, than talk.  
I really need to be prodded, and prodded, and prodded.

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 Trust - noun

1. 1. 

   firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

   "relations have to be built on trust"

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I do not recall how to do this any more.  

It's not that I cannot trust.  

I am a very trusting person who just happens to be at a point in her life where she is too scared to risk telling someone about herself.  

Do they really want to know?  

I mean, honestly, do they???  

Do they care?  

I am not prefect.  

In fact, I am flawed.  

But I hope eventually to heal.  I hear that in order to truly heal, I need to risk.  I have also been told that only by risking will I be able to find love again.  

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Other people are better at risking and trusting.  

I listened to a friend describe jumping out of airplanes. OMG!!!!  Totally cool, yet totally insane...yet totally cool!  Listening to him talk...the confidence literally oozes out of him.  Swagger, without arrogance.  He is self-assured.  I realize a part of makes him so confident is his life background experiences.

He went through four hours of training before his first jump.  After that, he was ready to risk and tandem jump with an instructor.  Really, I'm envious and find that amazing.  He was able to listen to someone for such a short amount of time and totally put his trust in them.  (Envy.)  Since his first jump, he has returned to jump again and again...each time becoming more confident, so he is a solo jumper.

He trusts himself.  Hmm.  I know I'm healing daily.  I really do hope I can someday allow myself to trust again and allow someone to get close to me.

Tonight's music:  David Garrett: He's A Pirate...listening to his whole album, self-titled.  

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