Emotions are like a roller coaster right now.
Love songs, suck.
Seeing couples together, holding hands, sharing sweet talk, sucks.
Seeing parents with their kids, sucks.
Basically, happy people, suck.
But I must move forward.
*****
Wednesday. Mediation. It started at 9 am and by 2:30 pm I was a divorced woman. The first person in my family, on either of my bloodlines to be divorced (as far as I know...correction, my brother reminded me of one aunt and uncle, but the did get back together). My sister said she will print me a certificate. Lovely.
After the papers were signed, my attorney told me I was to immediately go to the bank and take the money that was mine per the settlement agreement. So I did. Only guess what, his car was there. It wasn't the branch he works at so I had thought I'd be fine. I wasn't. Plan B. Go to his branch then.
When I got there, I parked in the spot where he typically parks. Guess I hoped he'd come there and this way he wouldn't miss me. I went in and told one of the clerks I needed to withdrawal all the money out of my savings account. I was his wife and we just got divorced. She gave me a nervous laugh as she looked at me. Then she realized I wasn't joking. And she said, "Oh, you aren't joking." I told her I had all the paper work.
I also told her I was going to cut up my debit card, my credit card and my health savings card in front of her and place them in an envelope, if she had one. She handed me the scissors and and envelope, then went about pulling up my account information. I cut up the cards: one, two, three. Then I placed them in the envelope. I sealed the envelope. And then I went over the top....
Before I had come into the bank, I had touched up my mascara and my lipstick. After I sealed the envelope, I kissed it. Honestly, I did.
My sister looked at me and said, "I think that may be a bit much." I asked if she thought I needed a new envelope and she said yes. So I turned the envelope around and asked the clerk who was helping me what she thought. After a few seconds of contemplating, she said she thought it was perfect. I thought so too! So I left it.
Then I wrote his name in cute letters on the front. I am not ashamed. I was definitely on that emotional roller coaster.
The clerk who was helping me went to get my cashiers check and then when she came back, she said she would usually ask if I wanted to talk with someone in Wealth Management about investing my money, but she was sure I didn't want to today. I smiled and told her she was correct. I asked if she minded delivering the envelope, and she said no. As I walked out, all the other clerks smiled and told me to have a great day. Clearly the news had traveled as to what I was doing. I told them I absolutely would! I went to my other bank and made a deposit.
Thursday. I woke in the morning and reality was setting in. Still very much on that emotional roller coaster. OMG! I. Am. Divorced. What's that noise upstairs? Animals on the roof? No, it's too big? Who the h*ll is here!!!! Oh, it's my sister. Emotions. What the heck? I've been alone for well over a year. Nothing has changed except a piece of paper was signed.
He came over in the evening and mowed his mom's grass, but not mine. Well, what did I expect? He stepped away from all responsibilities long ago. Signing the papers set him free as well.
Friday. Not even going to mention Friday. Crazy emotions. I am definitely mourning the loss of something I had thought I finished mourning. Trying to be forgiving to myself, allow myself to mourn, and understand that this is a huge life change that I am going through.
Saturday. Today.
Paths crossed at the local Farmer's Market. Crap. He was with someone. I walked right past them. I told her to 'have fun'. (She has no idea what he is really like.) I told him 'thanks for not mowing my grass on Thursday'. As I got closer to him, I noted hostility in his eyes. It was hostility mixed with anger. His body language actually made the hair on the back of my neck raise up. I could feel his hatred of me oozing out through his eyes. OMG! I didn't do anything. He's the emotionally abusive one. Is that what I was seeing? Has he just reached this level because I no longer bow down to him? I was actually scared of him, for the first time. Ever.
My initial reaction was to run. But I didn't. I went and bought the prettiest bouquet of flowers I could find. Then I held my head high and I walked the entire Farmer's Market with a big smile on my face. Again, I have done nothing wrong. I was not the one who was emotionally abusive. I was not the one who broke our marriage vows. I was not the one who f*cked up.
But I am the one who is the happiest. I am so grateful to be free from him. Emotional abuse is real. No one deserves to be treated as I have been treated. I am not crazy.
On Wednesday morning, I was reading through some of my paper journals while at mediation. I have written in them for years. I have at least 15. Wow. Everything is documented. I am NOT crazy. I am ready to move forward. Those journals are a reminder of how weak I used to be. I am not the same person. Pretty sure THAT is what drove him away. Thank goodness.
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Tonight's music: Sing
Who is this guy, Ed Sheeran? Holy Crumbs! His music is great. Have you listened to his songs. The lyrics speak like someone much older than his 24 years.
Tonight, I bought his CD called X, pronounced Multiply. Check him out! He is an amazing talent who will certainly be around for a long time. Watching his videos, and his entire X album is on YouTube, he reminds me of Ron Weasley! So adorable!!! After listening to this album tonight, and writing, I am much better. Thanks Ed! I'd love to cross paths with you someday!
I'm always looking for new music to listen to. Anyone have any suggestions? Drop me a comment.
~Lisa
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