Being three hours away and only talking on the phone for several minutes a day can be very frustrating. I really think my mom is on her way down hill. I don't think my grandma sees it yet either. My step-dad doesn't mention much, except that mom seems to be having a long string of bad days. It seems like she had another accident just a few days ago on the couch. I didn't ask for details. Mom finished another round of chemo last Saturday. During it she told me during one of our phone conversations, "every time I talk to you I feel like I am going to throw up or I need to go to the bathroom." I said, "wow, I'll try not to take that personally." Then she pretty much hung up on me. The week before that she seemed to forget that my sister and I were related. We were having a conversation about a wedding that she actually attending two days before. The bride and groom were deaf. Mom was fixated on the fact that, in her opinion, it was sad for the bride's dad, since he probably had different thoughts when his little girl was born. Then she ends up being deaf. I commented that at least he got to be there. My sister is 16 years younger than me, but we have the same biological parents. My mom was with my sister and told her what I said. Then mom said to my sister, "I don't know if you know this or not, but Lisa's dad died before she got married." I could hear the shock in my sister's voice as she responded, "What about my dad?" I could tell my mom was trying to process things. I just tried to play it off.
Another day this past week as my mom and I were on the phone I could tell she didn't seemed focused on the conversation. I asked her what she was thinking about and she said, "Cheese." I guess she was craving it.
Several weeks ago the doctor ordered physical therapy for mom. The therapist has been coming to her house twice a week. When I called tonight she was there. Apparently mom was being difficult, according to my grandmother, and wasn't wanting to cooperate.
Last Friday my Aunt's father died. He had been diagnosed with a tumor behind his heart. It was inoperable and he was given about a year to live. I think he was diagnosed about two or three months ago. My mom, grandma and step-dad went to the funeral at church yesterday. I think it was emotionally too much for my mom. Why she went & why they took her are beyond me. I didn't know the funeral was yesterday. My mom said to me last night that she wished I was there. She said she could have used me for moral support. I think I will need to head north for a visit as soon as I can. I can't go this weekend, maybe I can go next weekend.
October 3rd should start the next round of chemo. I wonder how many more she'll do. She has her next MRI on the 27th. I think she meets with the doctors on either Oct. 1 or 3.
I know I have priorities here, my husband and children need me. It's so hard though to not be up north. I know though that even being up north it's hard too.
My mom mentioned last week that my grandmother wasn't sleeping with her oxygen on at night. I wonder if that's really true. At times I think I need to go see a counselor. I haven't been sleeping too well lately. I have been waking myself up sobbing several times each night for at least the last week. I can't even remember what I am dreaming about. I am hoping that writing here will somehow help.
