Earth Moving... Can You Feel It?

Earth moving as I jet off to Chicago

"I feel the Earth, move, under my feet. I feel the sky tumblin' down." ~Carole King, April 1971

Sometimes, adventures come at exactly the right time.

After a long, and unusually emotional week of teaching, I had a weekend date with seven of my high school friends.  Some of these people I have known since the fifth grade.  After school, I drove an hour north and caught an evening flight to Chicago.  Technically, it takes less time to drive to Chi-Town from my house, than it does to fly.  Our group usually likes to do this trip when we can all have three days off, this weekend would not be a 3 day weekend for me.  I told my friends to enjoy the weekend. I didn't have the energy to drive north after working all day, chat until the wee hours of the night, then to head home in less than 48 hours where I would still need to spend several weekend hours in my classroom prepping for the week ahead.  So, I was pampered.  My friends have generous hearts...it might be an unspoken stipulation for being in our "club".  My flight arrangements were made for me so that I wouldn't miss out on the weekend fun.  The benefit of frequent flyer miles: a gift from my world traveling buddy.  

I arrived at O'Hare five minutes after the world traveler.  He had started his day in Lisbon, Spain, before stopping in Boston and then landing in Chicago. We took a taxi to the hotel, and after checking in, had fifteen minutes before we needed to head out to meet up with the others.  Having arrived earlier in the afternoon, they had all ready started the reunion fun!  As in our past trips, we traveled from different parts of the world; four states...cars, trains and planes connecting us.    

Dinner was at the Copper Fox, per our gastronome's suggestion and was fabulous!  As the late comers sat down, others were all ready imbibing.  The waitress asked what we wanted but needed to wait, as I was too busy tasting drinks around the table before I could decide.  In the end, a whiskey drink called ONE FLEW SOUTH landed at my place. A little tongue in cheek fun as I had flown north!  It was a mixture of diplomatic reserve extra anejo rum, lime juice, luxardo maraschino liqueur house demerara, barrel aged bitters, and tart cherry juice.  A great combination, and the best way to kick off the weekend with my buddies.  

Over the next hour and a half, there was laughing, stories and sharing of food.  After dinner, there was talk of chocolate dessert, but we wandered back towards the hotel to hang out in the suite between the girl's rooms.  

Upstairs we toasted one another again, and began to really relax and catch up in private.  Another of our classmates happened to be in town as well, up from Atlanta, celebrating his mother's 80th birthday with his family.  We chatted with this friend for a few hours, too.  It was funny to watch as he worked the conversations around the room, basically interviewing each of us. He also admitted to a little facebook stalking before hand. Aren't we all guilty of that?  I don't think I've seen this friend in person since we graduated high school.  Facebook has the power to make one feel they haven't missed a beat with friends.    

This get-together for our main group, was much over due.  A year has passed and each of us has grown a little more since then.  Grand babies have been born, a new business venture has started, education is being continued, a spouse was lost to illness and another is leaving due to divorce, parents continue to age, children continue to grow, and our souls continue to heal from those every day challenges we all face. We shared our successes and our hurts.  We talked about the love we have for others we grew up with and our wishes that they would feel comfortable to come and join us some time.  We all have secrets and pains.  Share them or not, we understand that growing up has been hard, but we also know that our early in life friends knew us when we were still dreamers.  Friendships that can weather life are the best friendships.  This group coming together is what true friendship looks like.  The seven of us seem to turn back into our 18-year-old selves when we are together, but we are realist and know we now have a wisdom about us.  We are people who can come together, and love one another, no matter what.  


The weekend plans this trip were simply to share time together.  We each have a role to fill, and our social director suggested we see Beautiful: The Carole King Musical at the Palace Theatre.  We are the generation who grew up influenced by the music Ms. King created. Our production was on Saturday at 2pm.  Perfect!   After our late night Friday, we gathered near 11 to walk to brunch and then the theatre.  Brunch was at the Hubbard Inn and featured Rustic Wheat Avocado Toast, Blackened Tiger Shrimp and Grits, Pork Belly Benedict, and Slow Roasted Corned Beef Hash all washed down with mimosas.  After brunch, we expected to encounter the Women's March due to our timing, but we must have walked on paths not being used by the march.  

The show was wonderful!  We couldn't help but comment at intermission, 'I didn't know she helped influence THAT song."  We were reminded that Carole King IS an amazing lady! I found myself wiggling my feet, but really wanting to be up and dancing, with the music. After the show, we walked back towards our hotel and shopped along the way.  We tried to decide what the evening plans should include.  Dancing?  Karaoke?  More talking?  Many suggestions were thrown into the ring for consideration.  Sitting in the hotel bar, we got serious about deciding the evenings plan. In the end, we decided we'd order pizza, buy a game, change into our pajamas, and stay in for the night!  

Dinner and a game

Pizza was ordered from Lou Malnati's.  Two brave souls donned PJ's.  Drinks were made for all. Our game of choice...Cards Against Humanity.  Everyone laughed until they cried at some point in the evening.  "New" words were discovered.  Interesting conversations were sparked..."how does THAT happen???" was asked. Explanations were given in code, which made us laugh harder.  Siri was asked, and responded "You don't need to ask that question!"  Truly, tears from laughter filled our eyes.  

Local Treats

We only went to bed that night because we were all exhausted and are a bit too old, and too smart, to sleep on couches when we had paid for feather topped beds.  

*****

Two in our group had to leave before Sunday brunch.  Our weekend together was coming to an end.  The few of us who were still together went to the LuxBar where amazing Bloody Mary's topped the menu. As we returned to the hotel, hugs and kisses were shared.  Ubers arrived and we parted ways.  Until next time, I will love my friends from a distance, and stay in continual touch.  We have a thread of messages that at times can instantly blow up to 95+ comments!  Blink and you'll have to spend half an hour catching up!  Thank you FaceBook for reconnecting this group a few years back when we were planning our high school class reunion.  This was our 36th year get-together.  

For others who are lucky enough to have friends like I do, I hope you realize too what a special connection and joy are friendships. We all have secrets, but when you can let down your guard and trust others, you can heal and grow in unthinkable ways.  

My take aways from the weekend were literally an Anchor bag...meaning a bag with Anchors on it.  We had a running joke about bags we'd be bringing...heavy because they felt like they held anchors.  One of our tribe made sure we all actually had these bags for our next trip. Another in our tribe gave us all necklaces with words that reminded her of each of us stamped onto a key.  Together we are Belief, Fearless, Inspire(ing), have Faith, Strength and Hope. That sums us up nicely.  I think her word might be Joy.  While she is certainly beautiful on the outside, her inside Joy simply radiates.  

In the end, we all know We've Gotta Friend....or two, or seven.  

*****

Additional thoughts: 

My weekend away happened a month ago, but more recently I have been questioning what makes a friendship weather the test of time, how long one needs to know someone before they can truly call them a friend, and at what point does one earn the title of friend?  

I don't believe we can have too many friends in this life, and I think friendship becomes undefinable when you are at your lowest point and these people whom you call friend step up and go above and beyond what you would have expected.  One of those times for me was when I was dealing with my mom's terminal illness, and my friends stepped up to nurture my soul.  Then, I had times when I thought my life might end because I was dealing with a divorce, and friends stepped up once again and loved me despite that, encouraging me to push on, telling me I was strong and brave and capable and beautiful and that everything was going to be all right.  And accomplishments...friends celebrate big and little accomplishments, too.  

I have watched friends lose those they love, and have known others who have traveled great distances just to hold a hand and be an ear.  I know others who right this minute are sitting by bedsides in hospice care, so death doesn't happen alone for their friends.  Truly these friendships are signs from above that we can and should care for one another, and that it's easy to do!

Friends are not just people who share the fun times in our lives.  Friends are there for the dark times too, and they stand with you, no matter what. 

Wouldn't the world be a nicer place if we could all be kind to one another like we are to our best of friends?    

~Lisa Kroll
     Friend, Member of the Class of '82, Hope, Love Warrior
   

Blogging Music:  Carole King - Tapestry (1971) 

additional pictures from Ferris Bueller's Weekend Off: 

Magnificent Mile from our Suite View

Fourth Presbyterian Church of Chicago from our Suite View

In the morning, Suite View looking out the other window...Lake Michigan

When someone has a selfie stick and says...smile!

...and smile!

...and smile!  

...and just after I said smile...they thought I was done! lol
Please know, they actually ASK me to get out the selfie stick!
No one wants to own one, but everyone is happy they know someone who does!  

Chicago River with a little ice

We all recall having a Social Studies book in high school
that stated you could see Lake Michigan
from every room in these towers.
We all wondered if that's really true.  

I love these lines against the blue sky! 

Sitting on a stone, only evidence from the Women's March that we saw. 

Be You

Found on the curb at Barnes and Nobel

It was written on a stone.  Be You.

Self discovery.  

It is interesting to have a chance in life to do this.  I grew up thinking one needed to be married by a certain age, and was young by today's standards when I was wed at the age of 22.  Today's young adults take time to discover what makes up their being.  Most people my age have someone else they need to think about: a spouse, a significant other, children, parents.  I am free from those responsibilities.  My parents and grandparents are deceased.  I have children, but they are young adults and I can truly only offer my words of wisdom, should they even ask me for advice. I am living in a period of my life where I am allowed to discover, or re-discover, what it is that makes up me.  I get to just be my self, all alone, making discoveries. 

So what makes me, me?  

While volunteering to answer phones last month at the local National Public Radio station's fund drive, I took a character strengths inventory test along side the other volunteers.  The Producer of On-Air Fundraising was our volunteer contact for the night and she thought it would be interesting to see our top and bottom five strengths. She wanted to compare all of us and see if, because we all listen and volunteered, we had the same characteristics.  Here's a link to the test:  VIA Character Strength survey.  One hundred and twenty questions later, and our top 24 character strengths were gathered. 

After taking the questionnaire, I felt slightly less encouraged about myself.  It wasn't because of my top five strengths.  It was because at the very bottom of my list was LOVE.  That's right, my number 24 of 24.    

Love...defined as: valuing close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing and caring are reciprocated, being close to people.  

I know I have come far over the past few years, but apparently my subconscious, emotional state is still damaged. I wonder if I'll ever truly heal and that alarms me.  Am I capable of loving others?  What if I am unable?  I do feel I'm becoming more skeptical of relationships.  I look at others, and I think to myself, are they living a lie too?  Maybe all relationships are based on lies and I don't play that game.  What is really going on in their story? Then I remind myself that it's possible they have never experienced the depth of deception, or emotional abuse that made up my relationship.  I wonder, what does real love feel like? What is it like to share everything with someone and have them love you because of that?  It's funny, I feel there are souls in this world who could love me, but also wonder, if they really knew me, would they stay or would they go too?  Rational Me thinks, it doesn't matter, because they aren't with you.  I feel like I'm missing that little something that would make someone else want to stay by my side, no matter what. I am someone who doesn't have a soul mate in this universe. I guard my heart from anyone else who might want to get too close; even my friends.  I can't handle being hurt again.  For my armor to be pieced, it will take an arrow made of Graphene.  Again, Rational Me, knows that I will likely outlive my two cats, so one day I will feel heart ache again.  I am comforted in knowing that my cats won't leave or discard me. Just like my sister and my kids, they love me unconditionally.  Blood links and pets, I have discovered...come back to me.    

Toulouse and Berlioz

Recently, I have been feeling I need a dog back in my life.  I do miss W because he made me get out and I felt I was with someone even though he was a dog. We would do things...like just walk in the woods, or run errands.  I can do things by myself, but it's lonely at times, and my kitties can't go out with me. My recent very late hours at school have made me realize maybe I'm not quite ready for a dog.  I rationalize that if I have a dog, I will have to go home. I have been approved by  a rescue, and should the perfect-for-me-dog need a home...I am open to that addition in my life.  Until then, I am happy to have my two other boys.  I often find them both on my bed acting like I'm disturbing their secret slumber and grooming spot.  Good thing I don't mind cat hairs!  I think these two would love a doggie playmate to chase around the house.  I know that I can love, and I do have love to share.  I am blessed to have a house where animals can be nurtured.  I am an animal lover.  That is part of whom I am.  Another discovery of being me.

Going back to my character strengths, my top five are: Judgment, Social Intelligence, Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence, Fairness, and Honesty.

1. Judgment:  The ability to think things through and examine them from all sides.  Not jumping to conclusions, weighing all evidence fairly and being able to change ones mind in light of evidence.

     This was my number one.  I am compassionate. I do realize there is more to a person or situation than what may meet the eye.

2. Social Intelligence:  Being aware of the motives/feelings of others and oneself.  Knowing what to do to fit into different social situations, knowing what makes other people tick.

     I have spent my lifetime figuring out how to make everyone happy all at the same time, so I wasn't shocked to see this so high up on my list.  I have only recently been practicing mindfulness to learn to be aware of my own feelings, too.  

3. Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence:  Noticing and appreciating beauty, excellence and or skilled performance in various domains of life, from nature to art to mathematics to science to everyday experiences.

     Spot on.

4. Fairness:  Treating all people the same according to notions of fairness and justice not letting feelings bias decisions about others; giving everyone a fair chance.

     I am a people person, and a teacher.

5. Honesty: Speaking the truth but more broadly presenting oneself in a genuine way and acting in a sincere way, being without pretense; taking responsibility for one's feelings and actions.

     Trying to just be me.


I am not sure how the results ended for the group of volunteers.  Honestly, I was embarrassed that LOVE was my number 24.  I was so shocked that I couldn't think about anything else at that moment.  I was sure this group of people, was looking at me and thinking, well of course she isn't good at love.  She's divorced.  Reflecting today, I wonder what was their number 24?  Maybe they were just as upset with what landed in their last position on the character graph.  I also know that it didn't matter who I was with, the emotions I felt would have been the same...embarrassment, feeling my results said I can't love.  

With fresh eyes and and opened mind, here's what I'm taking away from that survey: 

I have good judgment, am socially intelligent, appreciate beauty and excellence, and I am fair and honest.  I also work well as a member of a team(work), and am kind to others.  I show prudence in the choices I make, and take time to express gratitude for what I have. I persevere until jobs are completed, and I enjoy the success of doing so. I am filled with hope and believe a good future will happen by working to achieve it. Humor and laughter cause joy and I like seeing all around me smile.  My love of learning is related to my high level of curiosity about how things work in life.  I am a leader, but might show my leadership skills in helping others be organized. I go all in when I do things and am filled with zest.  I do live life as if it's an adventure.  I am humble and my perspective allow me offer sound advice based on my experiences. My self-regulation opens my emotions to be in the moment. I use my creativity to be a problem solver. My spirituality is based on knowing the Universe is a kind place and we all have our spot in it.  

I suppose I am not surprised that Forgiveness and Bravery are just above Love on my list.  I am still working on forgiving myself for how things played out in my marriage.  I am also still working on being brave enough to speak my mind all the time.  My habit to take the fall and let others have their desires, is hard to break.  I do know that in order for me to love, I must trust. In order to trust, I need to forgive myself, and feel brave enough to speak my mind. I need to know that I will be loved because of my thoughts and what makes me - me, and not because I didn't rock the boat.  

The night I found that rock, I came inside Barnes and Nobel.  I had my tea and started blogging.  I had intended to look up what the protocol was for finding a painted rock and re-hiding it, but when I went back outside at the end of the night, the rock was gone.  Had it only meant to be an inspiration?  

I am left with this wonder, Can I care enough about myself, to cut myself some slack and just finally be me? 

I can.  
I just need more time.   

~Lisa Kroll
     student of life

The Universe...and The Law of Attraction

The Law of Attraction is the ability to attract into our lives, whatever we are focusing on. Simply put, whatever you are thinking about, is drawn towards you.  I have believed this to be true for a lot longer than I realized.  I also believe that our Universe works in mysterious ways.  I have always felt that positivity is at the root of my soul, and have been told I am an optimistic person.  I would agree, I am.  I believe that when you do good things in the world, good will come to you.  Some might call this Karma.

I have been struggling with my religious beliefs since February.  I am still currently on sabbatical from the Catholic church.  I am a spiritual being, but haven't been able to practice organized religion since listening to a sermon where I felt unwelcome because I am divorced.*  The Universe gives us what we need though, when we need it.

My city has a talented community of artisans.  Supporting the arts and our artisans, on the first Friday of each month, downtown Bloomington hosts a Gallery Walk.  Nine galleries, all within walking distance of one another, offer appetizers and beverages of some type, and stay open from 5-8 pm. I haven't attended as frequently as I'd like, but this past Friday, one of my artist friends had a painting that would be on display.  I made plans to be at the gallery displaying her work when I knew she would also be there.  We snacked and admired all the paintings, pottery, and sculptures before heading to another one of our favorite galleries.  As we walked down the sidewalk, I saw a familiar lady across the street holding open a door, and beckoning us to enter her building.  I yelled hello across to her, but said we were on our way to a gallery.  My friend started across the street and said, 'Come on, let's go in! It's beautiful there. I've been inside for watercolor society meetings."  I followed, then introduced her to my former mother-in-law.  "Cassidy," I said "This is Kate, my next door neighbor." I knew Cassidy had no idea that we were heading into a church service.  Part of the healing process that I've needed to do is to separate my former MIL from her son. I am working on allowing our relationship to be mended.  Earlier in the week I had been dining with Kate, and she had mentioned the Friday Vespers that would be happening at church.  See, this used to be my church for over 15 years.  I all ready knew it is beautiful inside.  In fact, there is so much that I know about it.  If only I had a chance to tell my friend, and pull her back before she started across the street. I wasn't sure I could emotionally handle this building in my life yet. But, the Universe gives us what we need, when we need it.   

We were inside and now heading towards the sanctuary where live jazz was enticing all within earshot to come and listen.  I was greeted by familiar faces with hugs, and words of joy, "I'm so happy to see you."  The words and hugs were heartfelt.

We picked a pew in the back of the church and sat down to listen to the music and singing.  I thought maybe we could find a moment to sneak out before the service got started.  My MIL, whose job as greeter was now over, entered the sanctuary and made her way back to sit next to me.  This was now going to be more of a challenge to leave.  I could walk though, if this became too emotionally difficult.  When it came time for us to sing the first song, my MIL reached out to stead her side of my bulletin because I had offered and was sharing it with her.  Cassidy chucked under her breathe.  We hadn't talked about leaving early, but I suspect she had been having the same thoughts.  We were now all in. We were meant to absorb what the universe was offering.  We needed to be in this moment.  

This service was called a Vesper Service, which means a sunset prayer.  As the service went on, I felt it was more meditative in nature.  It offered soft words that were meant to calm the chaos of life.  The minister, whom I have known for what seems like forever, spoke in her positive tone. She and I are kindred spirits, and I felt the connection once again.  I was being drawn into her positivity.  The service was about balance and letting go of those things in our life we need to let go.  After singing psalms, and poems of peace, there was a period when communion and prayer time was offered. This is a church that accepts all, and they mean all. No one is turned away. At this service, the church had several stations set up as alternative ways to be one with God. You could choose communion, you could lay your hands on a large globe and say a prayer for someone else in the world, you could go to the back narthex and draw a small picture, you could choose to light a candle as an offering, or you could write something on a piece of paper to let go.  The paper could be placed into a bowl of water, stirred, and then melt away...releasing you from whatever you were holding on to.  Cassidy looked at me at this point.  She said, "Did you need to be here?" I felt her question was rhetorical, but responded any way, "I think I did."  She asked if I wanted to participate in any of the stations.  I said yes, and asked if she minded because this had not been part of how I thought we'd spend the evening.  She gave me a smile of friendship and said she was happy to stay.  It was in that moment that we both realized that the Universe was actually working some kind of magic.  I decided I needed communion, because I needed to feel nourished by God, and I needed to release, by writing on one of those small bits of paper.

First Christian Church
Bloomington, Indiana

I went forward and the minister's smile radiated down on me, "Lisa," she said, "You are loved, and there isn't anything you can do about it."  I told her I might cry.  The lump in my throat was not from the gluten free bread and wine I ate.  I went towards the back of the sanctuary and I wrote, I am letting go of ----- There is joy in my heart and love, and peace, and happiness, and I am grateful.  I choose love, understanding and peace.  As I swirled the paper around inside the glass bowl, I saw it melt away as the ink from my words floated to the surface.  My words were mixing now with the words from others.  I was released. I looked up at the front of the church.  The tree of life stained glass window still looks as beautiful as I recall. I could hear the spirit of my father-in-law's voice and feel the pressure of his hand on my right shoulder. So many times he had signaled me to go forward when it was time to serve communion to the congregation. I recalled my own children being baptized in the waters of the baptistery just beneath the tree of life years ago. Their baptism was by immersion.  My children were old enough to make the commitment and know what it meant. I taught vacation bible school in this building and did children's ministry every Sunday for the first five years I was back in town. I have been a very active person in this place.  So much personal history is in these walls.  

I believe the Universe was speaking to me tonight.  I have given so much and now it was time for me to receive back.  I need to be able to heal completely so I can move forward in my life. Thank you Universe.  Maybe my sabbatical from church is nearing it's end?

My soul was shattered and my spirit was broken. 
Life is a forever forward moving process.  
I am open Universe, 
please continue giving me what I need, 
when I am ready for it.  


~Lisa Kroll 
     eating, praying and loving



-----
*my feelings.  The church didn't say, Lisa you are not welcomed.  I just don't like being made to feel like a sinner for being human and living life while always trying to do the right thing.