Emotional Manipulation...an example

Mother's Day... a day when we honor our mom.

More than likely, mom is the woman who carried us in her womb for nine months.  She protected, nourished and loved us, before we even entered the world.  When a man and a woman have a child, it is possibly the most intimate experience they can share. Not long ago, men weren't allowed into the delivery room, but now they are not only welcomed, but are active participants, being asked to cut the cord that binds their child to his or her mother.  The woman may carried their child, but the man is the witness.  He witnesses the growth of his child as he or she goes from being a home pregnancy test result, to a small bump that grows into the size of a basketball.  He witnesses black and white images on an ultra sound machine.  He is witness to that incredible event of the birth of his child.  He witnesses as the child travels from the safety of the uterus, through the pelvic bones, and out into the world where the first breathe is taken.  A man witnesses the transformation of the amazing body of a woman.  There is no doubt, a woman's body is truly amazing.

I have given birth to two children.  To me they are blessings beyond compare.  I no longer need to protect them as I once did.  The nourishment I offer is mostly emotional, with a side helping of real calories. I love them more than they can every possibly know.  They are two amazing human beings...a product of the childhood they were given.  

Mother's Day 2013

In February of that year, he had started pushing me away.  What was wrong with me?  I didn't seem to be doing anything right. I sought therapy to find answers on what I needed to do to help change myself for him, for us.  We were still sleeping in the same bed on Mother's Day.  When I awoke that morning, I turned to him and confessed that I missed "us", I missed being intimate.  Had I expected the lashing that followed, I would have remained silent, I would have kept my thoughts to myself.  

I didn't expect what followed.

-----------------------------

me-What are you thinking?

            him - What are you thinking? 

me - I realize we are probably just going through something, but I miss our intimacy. 

           him - When did you see your therapist last? 

me-Two weeks ago, and I'll see her this week. 

           him - Why aren't you seeing her weekly?  Are you taking your meds?  

            Have you been taking your Xanax? 

me-The Xanax is only for panic attacks and I haven't needed those for some time now.

           him - What do you talk about in your sessions?

me-Well, I did tell her I miss our sex and she told me I need to back off and not push things. 

           him - What else do you talk about?  

            I mean, I know your sessions are private and not my business.  

me - Well, I worry about how much you ride, and you are the one who told me about Over Training Syndrome.  I wasn't even sure that was a real thing, so I googled it and you seem to fit all the symptoms. 

           him - That's part of being a high level, competitive athlete.

me - I know, I don't understand since I'm not an athlete.  

            him - That's absolutely right, you aren't.   

me - I just don't know any other high level athletes to compare my concerns about you to. I also am concerned because you seem more jovial with others than you are with me.  I'm just trying to figure out what I need to do to help this out.  I realize I'm a pleaser and I shouldn't worry.  I just feel like you give 150% of yourself to your cycling, and 150% of yourself to your job and there is nothing left for you to give me.  I feel like there isn't a balance.  I feel like all I get is a peck on the lips.

            him - "That's all I have for you." 

             You suffer from low self-esteem and you need to work on that.  It isn't my place to tell you daily that I love you, or that I find you attractive or that I think what you are doing is good. 

me - Well, do you feel that way about me though?

           him - Not all the time.  

           You are 49 years old.  When are you going to start taking care of yourself? You have a basket of pills under the bed and you are comfortable taking those to manage things rather than to exercise, and walking the dog doesn't count as exercise.  You need to get your heart rate elevated. 

me - I have so much to do around here.  I don't have time to exercise too.  

            him - What do you have to do?  

me - I have to shop, and cook, and clean, and walk the dog, and work. 

             him - Your priorities are off.  You need to find time to work out.  How much are you on the computer during the day?  How much are you on there morning, noon and night?  I challenge you to write down how much you are on either the computer or your iPad. 

me - You know, my mind just races.  I'm worried maybe you are having an affair. 

           him -  Is your goal to keep gaining weight?

me - I've actually lost 10 pounds since December. 

            him - Well, I can't tell. 

me - I don't care if you can't tell.  You can ask my doctor, they have official records. 

            him - "I'm not attracted to someone whose gut sticks out more than their tits.  

             Are you surprised to hear me say this?"

me - no (I was in absolute shock.)

            him - "I mean, come on (and he touched his own chest) have you looked at me?"  

                (exhale and pause) Do you want me to hold you? 

me - no

I took three xanax that day and emailed my therapist.  

Above is from my email.  Every word is true.  

This is what emotional manipulation from a Narcissistic looks like from the inside.  

I walked Winston as my escape after that conversation.  When I returned he asked if I wanted to go to Goose Pond and see what it was like.  He had asked me this once before.  That previous day we were to go after he went riding his bike.  When the time came for us to go, he was too exhausted.  Today I told him no thanks.  He asked if I didn't want to go because the birds were mostly gone.  I told him I really didn't want to spend any time with him.  

At my next therapy session my therapist told me I could believe what he tells me about myself, or I could go out into the real world and see what the rest of the world has to say.  She suggested I take a trip by myself.  You might recall that I went to the Grand Canyon on my walkabout.  Mother's Day 2013 was the catalyst.  

In September of 2013 he moved out of our bedroom.  In April of 2014 he moved out of the house.  On Mother's Day of 2014 he showed up at the house.  He was mad that I had changed the locks.  I told him he was the last person I wanted to see on Mother's Day.  He asked why.  I said don't you remember what you said to me last year?  His response, "I remember.  You're still in shock aren't you?" 

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I needed to write this and share it publicly so I can be released.  I have held this in my heart every day.  When I look into the mirror now, I see someone who was hidden and is emerging.  I need the poison he fed into my soul to be out, and completely gone.  

I claim Mother's Day as mine.  

I do not suffer from low self-esteem.  
I am a warrior.  
I am roaring.

                  ~Lisa Kroll
                      Mother, Survivor, Love Warrior

Day 10: Here's a Story....

 ...bum bum bum....  (hope you started singing the Brady Bunch theme song)


It is the last day on my walkabout.  I don't have much planned, except going to another museum,  shopping a little more, looking at the wildlife around the South Rim and taking a Mule Ride!

I definitely cannot get enough "looking" at the Canyon.  I truly am going to miss it.  

I have spent a fair amount of time just sitting and staring out at this beautiful sight.  

*****

Having grown up watching The Brady Bunch, I definitely HAD to ride a Mule at the Grand Canyon.  Ideally, I would have gone down into the Canyon and stayed at Phantom Ranch. Sadly, to do that one really needs to book that ride a year in advance!  Remember, I just set up this trip six weeks ago.  

My Mule adventure, which was three hours long, took me through a huge 

Ponderosa Pine forest and to the Abyss Lookout.  

I felt my inner Brady kid smile!  

No LONG faces here! :)

NOTE:  Yes, I was violating the rules!
No cameras are supposed to be used while on the Mules.
I couldn't help myself!  

Willow

 Here's my ride.  His name was Willow.  He was pretty sweet except he didn't want to get up as close to the mule in front of us as he was supposed to.  He like to have a little more room between us and his friend in front.  I have my 'motivator' on my wrist.  Here's a little fact that all women might appreciate knowing IF they are going to go on a mule ride in the future.  Go to the bathroom before you get on your mule, even if you don't think you need to pee at all!!!  I swear, if you use your motivator and the mule starts to trot, it's hard to hold certain muscles as tight as you'd like to be holding them!  Did I say too much?  Sorry, but that's true and no one warned me!  Maybe I just need to ride a horse or mule more often.

Rules for riding the Mules:   You have to wear long sleeves, and long pants, have a hat, a bandanna, and can only carry things that go around your neck.  Your toes must be covered, no sandals.  Cell phones are to be off and no pictures while riding the mules.  You need to be able to focus on what you are doing.  AND, they weigh you before you can even get on the mule!  Again, true!  You have to be over the age of 12, over 4'' 1', understand and speak fluent English and weigh under 225 lbs.  That wasn't a problem, but I did HAVE to get on a scale!

I really did enjoy the mule ride because it is something that I couldn't do back at home.  And, my inner Brady kid was a happy camper.

*****

Wildlife 

adorable, but devilish, squirrels

Hummingbirds that look like little golden cigars flying through the air.
A Rufus or Allen's Hummingbird

 I wouldn't usually post such a poor quality picture, but I snapped this and didn't think it was in the frame.  I was surprised today when I saw it on my computer enlarged!  So I am checking this bird off my Birds I've Seen List!  :) We DO NOT have these in Indiana!

 I believe the above and below picture show a Peregrine Falcon.  It's tail just doesn't look right to be a Red Tailed Hawk.  We have these at home, so I've all ready see this, but still WAY COOL!

*****

The California Condors were just so great today too!  

Did I mention in my last post that they have a wingspan of 9 1/2 feet?

Are the largest bird on this continent and are scavengers?  

Amazing!  

In these pictures you can actually see their number tags.

decent picture of the number tags

 Definitely not the prettiest bird around.  But amazing to see in the wild! 

I learned that the young birds have all black heads and their heads turn pink by the age of 2.  When they reach 6, they are colorful on their heads and that's the age they can mate and reproduce.  

They will lay just one egg about every 2 years, caring for their youngster that whole time.

*****

A few last photos of my day/trip

The train that brought me here a week ago

El Tovar and Thunderbird Lodges
I had the honor of staying at both these and Maswik during my time here.

Thunderbird Lodge
My room is the dark one on the bottom...I could see the Canyon, through the Elk!
There are baby elk here too.

No longer as afraid of the edge!  

You might want to enlarge this picture...I am sitting on the rim stone wall
and that is the bottom of the canyon a mile below....I wasn't sitting like this for too long!  

The South Rim, with visitors along the edge...don't think I've taken many pictures
like this to show what it was like, again enlarging this picture is best.  

While shopping I saw these three shirts.  I liked the sayings, but not enough to dish out $$$.

Advice from the Canyon

Advice from a Mule

Advice from a Trail

 The sun started to set on my last night....

 What I learned today:

     *That I can conquer challenges in life

     *That Nature REALLY IS Beautiful!

I started this adventure asking Who Am I?  I wanted to remember who I was BEFORE I became a Wife and a Mother.  Who is the ME in my core?  Yes, I still love making others happy.  But life is too short and I need to remember I matter too.  This trip has helped remind me of many things that I enjoy.  I am happy that I went away, but my new questions are: How do I return home? and How do I remember to think about me?  Hmm.  Life is full of questions. I guess we are always searching for answers.

Day 9: Facing Fears

I am not necessarily scared of heights. Open heights such as tall bridges with short guardrails or elevated roads without guardrails over water, or huge canyons that where you can look over the edge and see down about 5,700 feet with nothing to catch you...sort of scares me.

When I first arrived at the Grand Canyon, I had trouble getting close to the rock wall at the edge.  Some places do not even have that rock wall.  I spent the first hour being afraid for other peoples little kids.  Gradually, my fears started to cease.  I realized that I am in control of me and I am level headed so I'll be fine.  Eventually I found I could sit on that rock wall and even gaze over the edge and feel exhilarated!  Having been here last week for a day and then being able to go away for awhile, I was able to process my fears.  I do realize that unknown things can seem really scary.  Once a person is able to face their fears, there fears have no power and they aren't scary any more.

So yesterday I decided that I would get up today and walk down Bright Angle Trail from the upper rim.  A person can decide to turn around whenever they want, but I knew there were three possible turn around points for me.  1.5 mile in, 3 miles in and 4.5 miles in.  Remember, what goes down MUST come back up.  It is advised that what ever the time is it takes you to descend, it will take you twice as long to ascend.  I was ready to do 3 miles down.

As I started down the path I could see mule droppings.

The views were spectacular!

My goal was to make it back to the top before the storm rolled in, because I noticed that clouds were stating to gather across the canyon.

It is said that you should plan on the hike back to where you start the trail to take twice as long as the hike down into the canyon.  My original goal was to hike three miles in or six miles total.  After I made it to the first water/rest room stop at 1 1/2 miles, I decided that would be far enough this time.  

I was surprised at how much my knees were hurting on the hike down.  The incline is much more than I thought.  The elevation change to reach the 1 1/2 mile marker is 1000 feet.  

As I started the trip back to the top of the rim, I started playing an unintentional game of Leap Frog with several other hikers.  We'd all go to the next spot of shade and then need to rest a bit.  Eventually a fellow hiker and myself struck up a conversation.  Her name was Carol and she was from Scotland! 

We chatted about being at the Grand Canyon and our lives.  We discussed our families, our dogs and life.  Today was Carol's birthday!  What a fantastic way to celebrate your birthday!  

Carol said she told herself she would get an ice cream cone when she got to the top.  I loved that goal! 

It took me an hour and a half to walk down to the 1 1/2 mile marker, but only two and a half hours to walk back up!  The ice cream was a nice incentive.  

Carol's daughter was traveling with her.  Wendy eventually found us sitting under the overhang of the ice cream shop, out of the rain.  Connecting with Carol made me realize how much I enjoy the company of others.  Traveling alone has had it's good moments, but has also made me sad.  I am thankful that I shared my ascent with someone.  Thank you, Carol! I hope the rest of your travels are filled with happy memories and Happy Birthday again! 

In my quest to continue learning about the canyon and those who created the structures around it, I went to the Bright Angel History Room.  In there I found out more about the famous Harvey Girls and teacher turned architect, Mary Colter.  This is just one example of Mary Colter's work at the Grand Canyon.....

I spent part of my time hiking around the rim wall of the canyon on the look out for the "Sweetheart" rock.  One of the workers told me about it, but I can't recall it's history.  I've tried googling it only to see that CCC workers constructed the original wall in 1933.  This is one time I wish I'd have written down what was said to me.  I feel like I found a Hidden Mickey, all my Disney loving friends will understand.  

Later in the afternoon I attended a ranger talk on the California Condors.  Ranger Ty gave a very informative talk with props!  

He talked about how big the Condors wingspan is (9 1/2 feet as an adult), what they eat (they are scavengers and only eat dead things) and how in 1980 there were only 22 left in the whole world!  He showed us what one of their eggs may look like and he talked about how all the Condors were captured and encouraged to breed.  His puppet is what biologists used to help raise the babies from the eggs they gathered so they wouldn't bond to humans.  In 2011 the population of condors in the wild was up to 191.  Currently 70 live in the Grand Canyon.  All the Condors there are tagged with a number.  A pair of binoculars or a good camera can help visitors see these tags.  If you see the number, you can go up to any ranger and they have a card in their pocket with information about each bird on it!  How cool is that!  They can tell you if it is a boy or a girl, how old it is and where it was born.  

Attending this Condor talk helped me earn this...don't be jealous...

Yes, I am officially a Junior Ranger....Scorpion Level (ages 11+)

I'm sure were my family with me I would NOT have done this.  How sad, I had so much fun!  I had other activities I had to do as well to earn my badge.  

Just remember, one is never to old to learn or to have fun!  

*****

To end my day I decided to go watch the sunset at the East end of the South Rim.  

As I left my lodge, I saw this:  

 Yes, he was real and yes, they will charge and yes, people are CRAZY!  

I had my zoom lens on.  No sense tempting fate if I don't have too!!!

The sunset was beautiful and I loved how as it finally dropped behind the rocks, 

everyone clapped and cheered.  

the rocks start to turn vibrant as the sun sets

This may be one of my favorite pictures from my trip! 

What did I learn today:  

     *scary things aren't so scary if you face them and take their power away

     *I can do things that scare me

     *finding a friend to share an adventure with is fun

     *I love learning! (I think I've found this out several times now!)

     *Nature is pretty cool!