Feeling Grounded

My mind seems to have settled down over these past few years.
I am grateful.

It once raced to the point that I thought my head was going to explode, or maybe I was going crazy. The emotions inside me were frantically all wanting to be heard at once. My head would pound. My eyes struggled to focus as the pain behind them made me simply want to shut my eyes and tune out the World. Sometimes, I would physically feel my body clench up as my fists pulled inward, towards my racing heart. My arms would close in as well. Instinctively, I'd collapse into a fetal like position, even if I was standing. My body was trying to close off all external stimuli.

Overload.  Capacity full.

Deep breath.

Talk therapy helped.

I wasn't going crazy.
Life was changing, and I wasn't insane.
I was very normal.
Our bodies are amazing, and mine sensed the high stress levels; it was trying to protect me in the best way it could.

I needed to learn to be in the moment.
I needed to learn to be mindful.

Breathe.
Inhale deeply through my nose.
Hold that breath, and focus on taking it deep down into my lungs.
Feel it.
Exhale through my mouth, loudly, making sure all air is expelled, but note the sound of the rushing air as it goes over my teeth and through my lips.  Feel my stress dissipating into space, leaving me cleansed.  No longer is the stress inside me.  When I am mindful, I am very aware of all around me, and of my own being. In the moment, I am here. I am fine.

Rational thoughts slowly permeated the chaos inside my head.

You are fine, I'd tell myself.
You are strong.
You can do this.
You are going to be all right.
You are going to be better than all right.
You will survive (cue Gloria Gaynor, huh?)

I look in the mirror, and tell my reflection,
You are perfect.
You have everything you need.
You are enough.  You are blessed.  

Let's be honest, we live in a harsh world.  We need to practice self care, and that means nourishing our own souls. We need to start by being positive, and loving ourselves.  It truly is the only way we can completely love others.

*****

My morning routine after I wake up, is to take Toby downstairs, let him out back, and wait inside for him to do his business.  A few days ago, if my neighbors were watching, they might have witnessed something different, and personal.

I walked into the middle of my backyard as Toby went out, and I inhaled deeply.  The sounds of the birds singing in the trees filled my ears.  The smell of the fresh mowed grass filled my nose.  The sparkle of the sun peeking through the green leaves, reflecting the morning dew touched my eyes, and the warmth of the Earth nuzzled my bare feet.  I drank in the moment and allowed it to linger on and in me for over five minutes.  I just stood in my backyard, breathing deeply.  My heart filled with joy and I felt something come alive inside me.  I realized I was feeling grounded.  Literally, the Earth was claiming me as hers.  The beauty of those moments were filling my soul.

I am strong.

I am better than all right.

I am living as I am meant to be living.

I have everything I need.  I am blessed.  

                     ~Lisa Kroll
                            grounded, happy, perfect

Be You

Found on the curb at Barnes and Nobel

It was written on a stone.  Be You.

Self discovery.  

It is interesting to have a chance in life to do this.  I grew up thinking one needed to be married by a certain age, and was young by today's standards when I was wed at the age of 22.  Today's young adults take time to discover what makes up their being.  Most people my age have someone else they need to think about: a spouse, a significant other, children, parents.  I am free from those responsibilities.  My parents and grandparents are deceased.  I have children, but they are young adults and I can truly only offer my words of wisdom, should they even ask me for advice. I am living in a period of my life where I am allowed to discover, or re-discover, what it is that makes up me.  I get to just be my self, all alone, making discoveries. 

So what makes me, me?  

While volunteering to answer phones last month at the local National Public Radio station's fund drive, I took a character strengths inventory test along side the other volunteers.  The Producer of On-Air Fundraising was our volunteer contact for the night and she thought it would be interesting to see our top and bottom five strengths. She wanted to compare all of us and see if, because we all listen and volunteered, we had the same characteristics.  Here's a link to the test:  VIA Character Strength survey.  One hundred and twenty questions later, and our top 24 character strengths were gathered. 

After taking the questionnaire, I felt slightly less encouraged about myself.  It wasn't because of my top five strengths.  It was because at the very bottom of my list was LOVE.  That's right, my number 24 of 24.    

Love...defined as: valuing close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing and caring are reciprocated, being close to people.  

I know I have come far over the past few years, but apparently my subconscious, emotional state is still damaged. I wonder if I'll ever truly heal and that alarms me.  Am I capable of loving others?  What if I am unable?  I do feel I'm becoming more skeptical of relationships.  I look at others, and I think to myself, are they living a lie too?  Maybe all relationships are based on lies and I don't play that game.  What is really going on in their story? Then I remind myself that it's possible they have never experienced the depth of deception, or emotional abuse that made up my relationship.  I wonder, what does real love feel like? What is it like to share everything with someone and have them love you because of that?  It's funny, I feel there are souls in this world who could love me, but also wonder, if they really knew me, would they stay or would they go too?  Rational Me thinks, it doesn't matter, because they aren't with you.  I feel like I'm missing that little something that would make someone else want to stay by my side, no matter what. I am someone who doesn't have a soul mate in this universe. I guard my heart from anyone else who might want to get too close; even my friends.  I can't handle being hurt again.  For my armor to be pieced, it will take an arrow made of Graphene.  Again, Rational Me, knows that I will likely outlive my two cats, so one day I will feel heart ache again.  I am comforted in knowing that my cats won't leave or discard me. Just like my sister and my kids, they love me unconditionally.  Blood links and pets, I have discovered...come back to me.    

Toulouse and Berlioz

Recently, I have been feeling I need a dog back in my life.  I do miss W because he made me get out and I felt I was with someone even though he was a dog. We would do things...like just walk in the woods, or run errands.  I can do things by myself, but it's lonely at times, and my kitties can't go out with me. My recent very late hours at school have made me realize maybe I'm not quite ready for a dog.  I rationalize that if I have a dog, I will have to go home. I have been approved by  a rescue, and should the perfect-for-me-dog need a home...I am open to that addition in my life.  Until then, I am happy to have my two other boys.  I often find them both on my bed acting like I'm disturbing their secret slumber and grooming spot.  Good thing I don't mind cat hairs!  I think these two would love a doggie playmate to chase around the house.  I know that I can love, and I do have love to share.  I am blessed to have a house where animals can be nurtured.  I am an animal lover.  That is part of whom I am.  Another discovery of being me.

Going back to my character strengths, my top five are: Judgment, Social Intelligence, Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence, Fairness, and Honesty.

1. Judgment:  The ability to think things through and examine them from all sides.  Not jumping to conclusions, weighing all evidence fairly and being able to change ones mind in light of evidence.

     This was my number one.  I am compassionate. I do realize there is more to a person or situation than what may meet the eye.

2. Social Intelligence:  Being aware of the motives/feelings of others and oneself.  Knowing what to do to fit into different social situations, knowing what makes other people tick.

     I have spent my lifetime figuring out how to make everyone happy all at the same time, so I wasn't shocked to see this so high up on my list.  I have only recently been practicing mindfulness to learn to be aware of my own feelings, too.  

3. Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence:  Noticing and appreciating beauty, excellence and or skilled performance in various domains of life, from nature to art to mathematics to science to everyday experiences.

     Spot on.

4. Fairness:  Treating all people the same according to notions of fairness and justice not letting feelings bias decisions about others; giving everyone a fair chance.

     I am a people person, and a teacher.

5. Honesty: Speaking the truth but more broadly presenting oneself in a genuine way and acting in a sincere way, being without pretense; taking responsibility for one's feelings and actions.

     Trying to just be me.


I am not sure how the results ended for the group of volunteers.  Honestly, I was embarrassed that LOVE was my number 24.  I was so shocked that I couldn't think about anything else at that moment.  I was sure this group of people, was looking at me and thinking, well of course she isn't good at love.  She's divorced.  Reflecting today, I wonder what was their number 24?  Maybe they were just as upset with what landed in their last position on the character graph.  I also know that it didn't matter who I was with, the emotions I felt would have been the same...embarrassment, feeling my results said I can't love.  

With fresh eyes and and opened mind, here's what I'm taking away from that survey: 

I have good judgment, am socially intelligent, appreciate beauty and excellence, and I am fair and honest.  I also work well as a member of a team(work), and am kind to others.  I show prudence in the choices I make, and take time to express gratitude for what I have. I persevere until jobs are completed, and I enjoy the success of doing so. I am filled with hope and believe a good future will happen by working to achieve it. Humor and laughter cause joy and I like seeing all around me smile.  My love of learning is related to my high level of curiosity about how things work in life.  I am a leader, but might show my leadership skills in helping others be organized. I go all in when I do things and am filled with zest.  I do live life as if it's an adventure.  I am humble and my perspective allow me offer sound advice based on my experiences. My self-regulation opens my emotions to be in the moment. I use my creativity to be a problem solver. My spirituality is based on knowing the Universe is a kind place and we all have our spot in it.  

I suppose I am not surprised that Forgiveness and Bravery are just above Love on my list.  I am still working on forgiving myself for how things played out in my marriage.  I am also still working on being brave enough to speak my mind all the time.  My habit to take the fall and let others have their desires, is hard to break.  I do know that in order for me to love, I must trust. In order to trust, I need to forgive myself, and feel brave enough to speak my mind. I need to know that I will be loved because of my thoughts and what makes me - me, and not because I didn't rock the boat.  

The night I found that rock, I came inside Barnes and Nobel.  I had my tea and started blogging.  I had intended to look up what the protocol was for finding a painted rock and re-hiding it, but when I went back outside at the end of the night, the rock was gone.  Had it only meant to be an inspiration?  

I am left with this wonder, Can I care enough about myself, to cut myself some slack and just finally be me? 

I can.  
I just need more time.   

~Lisa Kroll
     student of life

The Universe...and The Law of Attraction

The Law of Attraction is the ability to attract into our lives, whatever we are focusing on. Simply put, whatever you are thinking about, is drawn towards you.  I have believed this to be true for a lot longer than I realized.  I also believe that our Universe works in mysterious ways.  I have always felt that positivity is at the root of my soul, and have been told I am an optimistic person.  I would agree, I am.  I believe that when you do good things in the world, good will come to you.  Some might call this Karma.

I have been struggling with my religious beliefs since February.  I am still currently on sabbatical from the Catholic church.  I am a spiritual being, but haven't been able to practice organized religion since listening to a sermon where I felt unwelcome because I am divorced.*  The Universe gives us what we need though, when we need it.

My city has a talented community of artisans.  Supporting the arts and our artisans, on the first Friday of each month, downtown Bloomington hosts a Gallery Walk.  Nine galleries, all within walking distance of one another, offer appetizers and beverages of some type, and stay open from 5-8 pm. I haven't attended as frequently as I'd like, but this past Friday, one of my artist friends had a painting that would be on display.  I made plans to be at the gallery displaying her work when I knew she would also be there.  We snacked and admired all the paintings, pottery, and sculptures before heading to another one of our favorite galleries.  As we walked down the sidewalk, I saw a familiar lady across the street holding open a door, and beckoning us to enter her building.  I yelled hello across to her, but said we were on our way to a gallery.  My friend started across the street and said, 'Come on, let's go in! It's beautiful there. I've been inside for watercolor society meetings."  I followed, then introduced her to my former mother-in-law.  "Cassidy," I said "This is Kate, my next door neighbor." I knew Cassidy had no idea that we were heading into a church service.  Part of the healing process that I've needed to do is to separate my former MIL from her son. I am working on allowing our relationship to be mended.  Earlier in the week I had been dining with Kate, and she had mentioned the Friday Vespers that would be happening at church.  See, this used to be my church for over 15 years.  I all ready knew it is beautiful inside.  In fact, there is so much that I know about it.  If only I had a chance to tell my friend, and pull her back before she started across the street. I wasn't sure I could emotionally handle this building in my life yet. But, the Universe gives us what we need, when we need it.   

We were inside and now heading towards the sanctuary where live jazz was enticing all within earshot to come and listen.  I was greeted by familiar faces with hugs, and words of joy, "I'm so happy to see you."  The words and hugs were heartfelt.

We picked a pew in the back of the church and sat down to listen to the music and singing.  I thought maybe we could find a moment to sneak out before the service got started.  My MIL, whose job as greeter was now over, entered the sanctuary and made her way back to sit next to me.  This was now going to be more of a challenge to leave.  I could walk though, if this became too emotionally difficult.  When it came time for us to sing the first song, my MIL reached out to stead her side of my bulletin because I had offered and was sharing it with her.  Cassidy chucked under her breathe.  We hadn't talked about leaving early, but I suspect she had been having the same thoughts.  We were now all in. We were meant to absorb what the universe was offering.  We needed to be in this moment.  

This service was called a Vesper Service, which means a sunset prayer.  As the service went on, I felt it was more meditative in nature.  It offered soft words that were meant to calm the chaos of life.  The minister, whom I have known for what seems like forever, spoke in her positive tone. She and I are kindred spirits, and I felt the connection once again.  I was being drawn into her positivity.  The service was about balance and letting go of those things in our life we need to let go.  After singing psalms, and poems of peace, there was a period when communion and prayer time was offered. This is a church that accepts all, and they mean all. No one is turned away. At this service, the church had several stations set up as alternative ways to be one with God. You could choose communion, you could lay your hands on a large globe and say a prayer for someone else in the world, you could go to the back narthex and draw a small picture, you could choose to light a candle as an offering, or you could write something on a piece of paper to let go.  The paper could be placed into a bowl of water, stirred, and then melt away...releasing you from whatever you were holding on to.  Cassidy looked at me at this point.  She said, "Did you need to be here?" I felt her question was rhetorical, but responded any way, "I think I did."  She asked if I wanted to participate in any of the stations.  I said yes, and asked if she minded because this had not been part of how I thought we'd spend the evening.  She gave me a smile of friendship and said she was happy to stay.  It was in that moment that we both realized that the Universe was actually working some kind of magic.  I decided I needed communion, because I needed to feel nourished by God, and I needed to release, by writing on one of those small bits of paper.

First Christian Church
Bloomington, Indiana

I went forward and the minister's smile radiated down on me, "Lisa," she said, "You are loved, and there isn't anything you can do about it."  I told her I might cry.  The lump in my throat was not from the gluten free bread and wine I ate.  I went towards the back of the sanctuary and I wrote, I am letting go of ----- There is joy in my heart and love, and peace, and happiness, and I am grateful.  I choose love, understanding and peace.  As I swirled the paper around inside the glass bowl, I saw it melt away as the ink from my words floated to the surface.  My words were mixing now with the words from others.  I was released. I looked up at the front of the church.  The tree of life stained glass window still looks as beautiful as I recall. I could hear the spirit of my father-in-law's voice and feel the pressure of his hand on my right shoulder. So many times he had signaled me to go forward when it was time to serve communion to the congregation. I recalled my own children being baptized in the waters of the baptistery just beneath the tree of life years ago. Their baptism was by immersion.  My children were old enough to make the commitment and know what it meant. I taught vacation bible school in this building and did children's ministry every Sunday for the first five years I was back in town. I have been a very active person in this place.  So much personal history is in these walls.  

I believe the Universe was speaking to me tonight.  I have given so much and now it was time for me to receive back.  I need to be able to heal completely so I can move forward in my life. Thank you Universe.  Maybe my sabbatical from church is nearing it's end?

My soul was shattered and my spirit was broken. 
Life is a forever forward moving process.  
I am open Universe, 
please continue giving me what I need, 
when I am ready for it.  


~Lisa Kroll 
     eating, praying and loving



-----
*my feelings.  The church didn't say, Lisa you are not welcomed.  I just don't like being made to feel like a sinner for being human and living life while always trying to do the right thing.

Continuing the Journey...

Two years, two months and 13 days have passed 

since my Independence Day.  

I put the dates into a 'days past' generator to find that out.  

I am not keeping track.   

I would not go back to my past life.  

I was so limited and held back.  

I intimidated the person whom I thought was my partner because he couldn't handle my glow.  

I am healing, and learning to love again.  

I am re-evaluating what it is that I have to offer the world.  

I am not dating, nor do I have someone in the 'picture'.  

I haven't loved myself for a very long time.

In order to be able to love someone else, I must first love myself.  

No more accepting life as status quo.   

*****

I am a product of the perfect combination of genes 

which my parents brought together.  

I was created, I did not create myself.  

My complexion, my eyes, my smile...all gifts from my parents.  

I don't see my parents in myself, 

but I feel them in my heart.  

My naturally curly hair, thank you dad, 

and has a mind of it's own.  

I love to let it be free.  

I like that my hair may look different each time I look in the mirror.  

I makes me unpredictable. 

I have joy in my heart, and it oozes out. 

I am truly grateful for all I have.  

I choose positivity in life.  

I enjoy making a difference, even if it's just 

for one person, 

one animal, 

or our beautiful Earth.  

I do love the world around me, and I love others.  

I like to hear what someone young, or old has to say.  

I am a listener, a thinker and a problem solver.  

I look at others and wonder, what is their life story?  

I look at things and think, is there a better way to do that?  

I am a born teacher.  

I have patience.  

I am curious.  

I want to know how and why things work as they do.  

I marvel at simplicity and complexity. 

I am generous with my time and talents.  

I like taking care of others.  

I am maternal.  

I am creative.  

Art and music drive my spirit.  

Music is in every fiber of my being, and it colors my world.    

I thrive when I can share my passions.  

I feel the Universe tingles, 

and that makes my soul happy.  

~Lisa Kroll

    spreading Love, Understanding, Positivity

Go listen to The Power of Peace CD by the Isley Brothers and produced by Carlos Santana.  

released on July 28, 2017

Practicing Mindfulness

I've been missing my mom these days...and my dad, and Winston, too.  

As the weather is getting nicer, I find I am wanting to wander in the woods, but that makes me feel extremely untethered. I don't want another dog right now, but I miss my hiking buddy.  I am working on learning to be comfortable in my untethered feelings, to enjoy my alone time, and on being mindful.  My alone time is not necessarily a good thing.  Certain tasks allow more time to ponder life.  Alone... I clean my house, and I think.  Alone... I mow my yard, and I think.  Maybe the reason I enjoy music so much is because it distracts my brain.  I am a thinker, but thinking when one is so alone can be dangerous.  My brain is still asking old questions and trying to rationalize what happened: How did I got to this point in life?  Why did things happen as they did?  Maybe if I... Maybe if this... Am I destined to be alone forever?  What if this is as good as it gets?  What if this is all I get?  What if I had my chance?  What if no one wants me? What if I'm too much for someone else to handle?  I know I am smart, strong spirited, capable, a problem solver, and generally, I have a happy heart.  I know I am empathetic, and kind.  A part of what brings me joy is my need to give back.  

So, what's wrong with me???  

I realize that's not the right question to be asking.  NOTHING is wrong with me. I remind myself that I spent almost 30 years trying to make everything in life perfect.  When things didn't go the way they were supposed to, I took the blame.  Whether it was my fault or not. Emotionally, I'm in limbo. I KNOW what I should be doing, but I don't know how to get to the next point.  I am learning to be intentional in my thoughts; to be mindful.  This is my plan B. When I start to feel down, I allow myself to feel the heaviness in my heart for just a few minutes, and then I breathe a few deep breaths.  I consciously think, 'why am I thinking these thoughts right now? I can't change how things are, but I can change my thoughts.' I try to identify my trigger, then, I acknowledge, right this moment, something that brings me joy.  I think about those things for which I am grateful.  It doesn't have to be something big.  It could be simple things like the tea I'm sipping, or Toulouse or Berlioz, or the smell of lilacs, as the scent wafts inside my house through my opened windows.  It could be as simple as my flowered bed sheets  or something funny that happened at school.  This is a conscious effort that takes practice.  

I have disliked weekends for a long time now.  I have a to-do list for school and one for home.  Both are extensive, so it isn't hard to work myself to exhaustion.  However, I know that in order to heal, I need to make, and take, time for myself.  I am working on finding balance.  This past Friday night, I stayed after school until about 7, even though I know I will be going back on Sunday to finish planning out my week.  Was I avoiding going home to an empty house?  Yes.  As I pulled into my neighborhood I could feel the loneliness creeping into my mood.  I'll be honest.  There are times when I think, maybe I should just have a few drinks, numb the pain, block out the loneliness.  Except, that isn't me. I am responsible.  Damn it!  

One time, about a year ago...I grabbed the bottle of Marker's Mark from my cabinet when I got home. I sent a text to one of my friends and my sister, knowing full well that my sister was busy.  "Here's what I'm doing...," I said.  My friend responded almost immediately, he's been through a divorce. He understands my pain.  He has healed, and is in his second marriage.  "Three shots only," he told me. I had to promise to put the bottle away.  I kept my promise.  It helped in the moment, but it didn't really help.  Also, I know it is unfair of me to put my burdens on others.  It doesn't matter if my sister, or my friends tell me they don't mind, it is not right.  I am reminded that life is not fair, but life is beautiful.  In order to see the beauty, we need to be proactive and live in the moment. So, plan B.  

Friday night, I knew I was starting to feel the weight of my untethered-ness. I allowed myself to acknowledge my feelings. I even allowed a few tears. Crying is a good way to release.   Tears released, I asked myself, why am I feeling like this?  Answer:  It's the weekend, and it's a holiday.  I don't have enough time to travel to be with my siblings and get done what I need over this weekend, so I will be alone.  I am also on my self-imposed sabbatical from church, and I don't want to attend another church on Easter, especially by myself.  So, no family and no church.  Deep breaths, and center.  I focused my thoughts on what I was grateful about at that very moment.  I was grateful that I had a house to come home to.  I was grateful that I had a bed to lay on, and kittens who are happy to see me. My kitties nuzzled my nose. My mood was shifting.  Earlier in the day, one of my cousins on my dad's side, had asked a bunch of us if anyone had a certain family recipe.  I did, but I was at school when she asked.  Remembering this request, I got off my bed, and I found that recipe.

circa 1963

  
I shared it with my cousins.  "Look!," I said, "bonus recipe, Pigs Feet!"  (Bleh!!!!) Our parents certainly grew up in a very different time.  

I thought about having a drink, but I came up with a different game plan.  What if I baked the blues away???  I went to the store and I picked up the ingredients to make Easter Cheese, plus a few other things.  I came home and went to work in my kitchen.  I turned on some blues...jazz blues and started creating. 

My Easter Cheese draining.  

First, I made the Easter Cheese.  As kids, my brother and I called it Egg Cheese.  Looking at the ingredient list, Egg Cheese makes sense. 

Breakfast!

Over ripe bananas were on my counter...which lead to banana bread being baked.  I also whipped together some basil pesto.  I'll be making focaccia bread to go with the basil pesto and cheese tortellinis.  Fresh bread out of the oven cannot be topped!  

Another thing I know to be true about myself is that I am capable in the kitchen.  I love having a reason to cook and share my culinary talents with others.  

I wasn't planning on getting out Easter decorations, and then my sister unintentionally tore at my heart strings.  She started sending pictures of the decorations she had out. She was sharing decorations that our mom had made.  Crumbs.  Up to my attic I went.  I got out the bare minimum...only treasures crafted by our mother's hand...plus two critters she loved.  

Ceramic treasures created with love.  

I do miss my parents.  Having little treasures like these ceramic bunnies and eggs to pull out help remind me of the care my mom showed in all she did. I am very much like my mom.  Having the hand-written recipes above, remind me of previous generations.  As I read the Pigs Feet recipe, I recalled family members actually eating and enjoying these.  Uck!  It speaks volumes though about what they had or didn't have.  It also emphasized to me how resourceful our prior generations were.  Waste not, want not.

My dad would have celebrated his 84th birthday a few days ago, and my mom would have been 75 this year.  I feel their presence in my home, and in my heart.  

~Lisa Kroll

-----
After my morning edits, I must add these Sunday notes: 

Before I went to write last night, my daughter called.  My kids wanted to use my house to share a movie with their friends.  They wanted to show their movie outdoors!  My house is, and always will be, my children's home.  When I returned from writing, I found my carport had been transformed into a drive-in theatre. Food was grilled, beer bottles opened, the porch swing was moved from out back, and camp chairs were scattered about.  Time for the movie.  

Before I had gone to bed, my kids asked if we could share the late morning today.  My heart smiled. When I woke this morning, I found one child and her bf asleep on the porch swing (it folds down into a bed). I made my way back into my kitchen.  Soon, the smells of coffee and cinnamon scones drifted out into the carport.  Banana bread and Easter Cheese were available, too. My son soon joined us and we had the perfect Easter breakfast.  

Cinnamon Scones

Easter Cheese...with salt

Happy Easter to all.  

God is great, and he has risen indeed!  

I am consciously mindful of how blessed my life really is these days.