Aging is something that happens, and yet there is an art to doing it gracefully.
I am watching my kitten go through the stages of growing. He started life as a very, seemingly, helpless creature. The cards were stacked against him, and yet there were basic things he could do and did. Things that just come naturally.
At first, he just needed to get comfortable on his feet. He could seek out food, water and his liter box. To accommodate his little legs, I placed a short box in between the two larger cat boxes I own. The day I noticed him in the large cat box, I snapped a picture and sent it to my sister. I was a proud kitty parent. True story...but I won't post that picture.
Pouncing was his next stage. Just like an 18 month old child, who hides his eyes and thinks you cannot see him, Berlioz's little ears will stick up, as he crouches down just as far as he can go. With eyes out of sight, his hind end wiggles, and then comes the pounce. I am amazed at how quickly Berlioz has transitioned from pouncing to teething, and climbing.
I have a cat tower and Berlioz is a daredevil. I could easily waste hours watching his antics, expecting him to tumble off at any moment. Through all his play he is learning.
Leaping seems to be his upcoming stage. His legs are becoming more lanky and his body is growing longer.
I know that there will come a point when I believe Berlioz will stop growing, but I know he will not stop aging.
How does all this relate to me? I am still growing...aging. Just when I think I have life all figured out, I realize I do not. Even that is progress. I love having my own place. I love being able to decide what I want to do, with whom and when. I am learning as I age, I need to fill my time with activities where I am surrounded by others. I am a social being, and I think that is a very, human characteristic.
Just as Berlioz is growing, I am too. He needs to practice his new skills and so do I. I think as humans, we do not want to be rejected, so we may be apprehensive to take risks. I know this is true for me. My internal battle hinges on Saturdays. In order to keep from being rejected, and yet have the human interactions for which I long, I head out of my house to blog. Am I hiding in plain sight? Can you see my eyes? (I promise to only wiggle my hind end when I'm dancing!) I do want to pounce on life. I will keep practicing, but I'm not really sure how to move forward right now. The ledge of rejection is narrow and I do not want to risk being hurt over and over. I admire those who are willing to walk on that ledge. I think I need to go home and watch Berlioz a little more. Then, I need to throw my whole heart and soul into my practice.
Blogging music tonight: Ed Sheeran, of course.
Please feel free to recommend another artist to me.
I do enjoy my wordsmith though. :)
Saturday, November 28, 2015
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Away from home. Alone. Living life. Learning.
Meeting new people. Hearing stories of survival, healing and moving forward. Witnessing a surprise. Listening to my favorite music. Solving car problems. Smiling and saying hello to strangers...wondering what's their story. Walking around a former familiar city. Thinking.
So much strength. I don't even realize what's inside of me. The above is just from this last weekend.
In the past few weeks, I have felt very cynical. It's not been a good feeling for me. I don't wear it well. I am a happy person. But, I have felt that love is not something that will be a part of my life anymore. Let me clarify...
I realize that love shows itself in many ways.
My students show me daily with their smiles, hugs, notes, and words that they love me. Winston, Lily and Berlioz show me as well. Winston nudges me with his head, but I think he might think I've forgotten he's my boy! He barks to protect me, and tell me when I need to be on alert. Lily...well, maybe not Lily. She's still upset that I brought a kitten home. Berlioz, oh my... He snuggles at night. When I wake, he takes his little kitten nose, places it under mine and pushes before he gives me a little kitty kiss. I am totally smitten with this kitten. My son fixes me gourmet meals now and again (need to work on him doing all the dishes though). He also shares his time with me, which I savor. My daughter snapchats, and face times me now that she's away. My friends check up on me with phone calls, texts and notes in the mail. My sister is always there too, no matter when.
What I feel I'm missing...is really right in front of me. Still, I long for that one person, with whom I can share things, good and bad. Really I am blessed because I don't have just one person. Sometimes that's hard to remember. Mentally, my mind hasn't caught up with my reality. I am truly happier now. I am still discovering who I am, what I like, and am embracing me. Not all can do that. Learning to love oneself is incredibly hard to do.
It's been said that we are our harshest critics. I know that to be true. Moments of weakness happen when I am tired. Loneliness can creep into to the tiniest of spaces in one's heart.
I am trying to learn to trust again, and to trust myself, trust my judgements. For the past three months, I have been taking West Coast Swing dance lessons. It's important when dancing to be able to have trust in your partner. The realization that I haven't trusted others for a long time now has become obvious in my dancing. Dancing is a good way to practice trust. It helps to do it among friends. Friends will allow you to lean on them, and they won't let you fall.
Trusting myself is an even harder thing to do than trusting another...hence, All Hail the Queen. The next thing I have started working on is trusting myself. I am working on learning how to trust my instincts, my judgements. How to not settle for just feeling comfortable. How to not give up ANYTHING I enjoy.
In my classroom, I am the Queen.
In my house, I am the Queen.
In my world, I need to become the Queen as well. No settling.
I've been the step-sister...cooking, cleaning, doing laundry. No more.
On the dating sites, a common question is, "What are you looking for?" Fair question.
What am I looking for?
Well, as I am the Queen, I am looking for a partner to share my throne.
I can do it all alone.
I am strong.
I do ROAR.
I'd like a King who can handle a confident lady by his side.
Sometimes he'll need to let me be in the driver's seat,
while at the same time understand he's dealing with a hopeless romantic.
blogging music: Ed Sheehan, again. "Let it Out", "Homeless", "Lately", "You"
Katy Perry, again. "Roar", "Love Me"