Be Kind...and New/Old Traditions

I am thankful, and grateful for my family.  This next week starts a time of the year with which in my recent past, I have struggled. 

As time goes on, I am feeling more excited about the holidays! Still, I am aware that there are triggers in my life.  Just 11 years ago on the 22nd, my mom passed away from Brain Cancer; it was also a day on which I was celebrating my 20th wedding anniversary. Daily I think of my mom with joy in my heart, but I was older when she passed, unlike my sister who was still a young adult.  My sister was just 26 years old, a few years married and had a one-year old when our mom died. My sister and I talk, and I know she misses our mom a lot.  I think about my sister's three children, and all they have missed by their grandma not being around.  I do find myself recalling family traditions from my growing up days and I try to share those with my nieces and nephew, as well as with my sister, and my own children.  Two years ago it was impossible for me to even think about the holidays.  I know that wasn't fair to my own two kids, but emotionally it was just too much for me to handle.  As my children grow into young adults, and as I am becoming more distant from my past history, I am finding that I am able to re-invent how WE celebrate the holidays.  We are creating our own new, family traditions.  We blend traditions from my youth with traditions from my children's life.  I am able to choose all those traditions which I have enjoyed.  Thanksgiving is now MY holiday.  I have claimed it back as a way to help me enjoy life.  My sister and her family will come to my house to help continue building our new traditions.  I will be in my element as I work in my kitchen to create our feast.  We will dine on those traditional recipes that were ours, along with those traditional recipes that my children grew up on.  We will play games and laugh.  We will play music and dance.  We will take pictures and veg-out.  We will go to my downtown and be witness to my community coming together to kick-off the Christmas season with the official Canopy  of Lights lighting.  We will get out my Christmas tree and decorate my house.  Just a few years ago I couldn't do this by myself.  The life lesson I've taken away here...don't do it alone.  Count on others in your life!  

Another life lesson, is that we need to be kind to others.  We need to be kind not just to those in our community in need, but to our friends, our family, and to ourselves.  Heaven knows the holidays are hard, period.  Commercialism has made society feel we all need to have the perfect illusion of time spent together: thank you, NOT, Hallmark.  But, the holidays are extra hard when one has gone through loss, and everyone knows someone who is dealing with, or has survived loss.  One may know loss as death of a loved one or beloved pet, rough spots in a relationship, or divorce. Some people may be dealing with impending loss of life, financial stability, or family members struggling with addiction. When my mom died, it was the day before Thanksgiving in 2006.  Thanksgiving and Christmas were surreal that year. Dealing with loss can manifest as depression. Stress compounds feelings, too. As the year is drawing to an end, there are deadlines to complete, mid-year graduations making some wonder what they should be doing next in their life, or stresses in the workplace.  Please reach out to your friends and neighbors.  Just send hello, or hey, how are you doing?  My personal experience has been to hunker down in my house and to wallow in my own sadness instead of reaching out to others.  There were times when it was hard to adult, especially when others seem to have it all together and be so happy.  Illusion is a powerful weapon. I am happier now, but I do still watch those around me and judge myself against the illusions I see.   

Be kind.  

Don't feel you have to do something just because it's always been done a certain way.  There is joy and power in re-inventing happiness.  

Happy Thanksgiving my friends!  

~Lisa Kroll
     love warrior, sister, friend, etc. 

The Universe...and The Law of Attraction

The Law of Attraction is the ability to attract into our lives, whatever we are focusing on. Simply put, whatever you are thinking about, is drawn towards you.  I have believed this to be true for a lot longer than I realized.  I also believe that our Universe works in mysterious ways.  I have always felt that positivity is at the root of my soul, and have been told I am an optimistic person.  I would agree, I am.  I believe that when you do good things in the world, good will come to you.  Some might call this Karma.

I have been struggling with my religious beliefs since February.  I am still currently on sabbatical from the Catholic church.  I am a spiritual being, but haven't been able to practice organized religion since listening to a sermon where I felt unwelcome because I am divorced.*  The Universe gives us what we need though, when we need it.

My city has a talented community of artisans.  Supporting the arts and our artisans, on the first Friday of each month, downtown Bloomington hosts a Gallery Walk.  Nine galleries, all within walking distance of one another, offer appetizers and beverages of some type, and stay open from 5-8 pm. I haven't attended as frequently as I'd like, but this past Friday, one of my artist friends had a painting that would be on display.  I made plans to be at the gallery displaying her work when I knew she would also be there.  We snacked and admired all the paintings, pottery, and sculptures before heading to another one of our favorite galleries.  As we walked down the sidewalk, I saw a familiar lady across the street holding open a door, and beckoning us to enter her building.  I yelled hello across to her, but said we were on our way to a gallery.  My friend started across the street and said, 'Come on, let's go in! It's beautiful there. I've been inside for watercolor society meetings."  I followed, then introduced her to my former mother-in-law.  "Cassidy," I said "This is Kate, my next door neighbor." I knew Cassidy had no idea that we were heading into a church service.  Part of the healing process that I've needed to do is to separate my former MIL from her son. I am working on allowing our relationship to be mended.  Earlier in the week I had been dining with Kate, and she had mentioned the Friday Vespers that would be happening at church.  See, this used to be my church for over 15 years.  I all ready knew it is beautiful inside.  In fact, there is so much that I know about it.  If only I had a chance to tell my friend, and pull her back before she started across the street. I wasn't sure I could emotionally handle this building in my life yet. But, the Universe gives us what we need, when we need it.   

We were inside and now heading towards the sanctuary where live jazz was enticing all within earshot to come and listen.  I was greeted by familiar faces with hugs, and words of joy, "I'm so happy to see you."  The words and hugs were heartfelt.

We picked a pew in the back of the church and sat down to listen to the music and singing.  I thought maybe we could find a moment to sneak out before the service got started.  My MIL, whose job as greeter was now over, entered the sanctuary and made her way back to sit next to me.  This was now going to be more of a challenge to leave.  I could walk though, if this became too emotionally difficult.  When it came time for us to sing the first song, my MIL reached out to stead her side of my bulletin because I had offered and was sharing it with her.  Cassidy chucked under her breathe.  We hadn't talked about leaving early, but I suspect she had been having the same thoughts.  We were now all in. We were meant to absorb what the universe was offering.  We needed to be in this moment.  

This service was called a Vesper Service, which means a sunset prayer.  As the service went on, I felt it was more meditative in nature.  It offered soft words that were meant to calm the chaos of life.  The minister, whom I have known for what seems like forever, spoke in her positive tone. She and I are kindred spirits, and I felt the connection once again.  I was being drawn into her positivity.  The service was about balance and letting go of those things in our life we need to let go.  After singing psalms, and poems of peace, there was a period when communion and prayer time was offered. This is a church that accepts all, and they mean all. No one is turned away. At this service, the church had several stations set up as alternative ways to be one with God. You could choose communion, you could lay your hands on a large globe and say a prayer for someone else in the world, you could go to the back narthex and draw a small picture, you could choose to light a candle as an offering, or you could write something on a piece of paper to let go.  The paper could be placed into a bowl of water, stirred, and then melt away...releasing you from whatever you were holding on to.  Cassidy looked at me at this point.  She said, "Did you need to be here?" I felt her question was rhetorical, but responded any way, "I think I did."  She asked if I wanted to participate in any of the stations.  I said yes, and asked if she minded because this had not been part of how I thought we'd spend the evening.  She gave me a smile of friendship and said she was happy to stay.  It was in that moment that we both realized that the Universe was actually working some kind of magic.  I decided I needed communion, because I needed to feel nourished by God, and I needed to release, by writing on one of those small bits of paper.

First Christian Church
Bloomington, Indiana

I went forward and the minister's smile radiated down on me, "Lisa," she said, "You are loved, and there isn't anything you can do about it."  I told her I might cry.  The lump in my throat was not from the gluten free bread and wine I ate.  I went towards the back of the sanctuary and I wrote, I am letting go of ----- There is joy in my heart and love, and peace, and happiness, and I am grateful.  I choose love, understanding and peace.  As I swirled the paper around inside the glass bowl, I saw it melt away as the ink from my words floated to the surface.  My words were mixing now with the words from others.  I was released. I looked up at the front of the church.  The tree of life stained glass window still looks as beautiful as I recall. I could hear the spirit of my father-in-law's voice and feel the pressure of his hand on my right shoulder. So many times he had signaled me to go forward when it was time to serve communion to the congregation. I recalled my own children being baptized in the waters of the baptistery just beneath the tree of life years ago. Their baptism was by immersion.  My children were old enough to make the commitment and know what it meant. I taught vacation bible school in this building and did children's ministry every Sunday for the first five years I was back in town. I have been a very active person in this place.  So much personal history is in these walls.  

I believe the Universe was speaking to me tonight.  I have given so much and now it was time for me to receive back.  I need to be able to heal completely so I can move forward in my life. Thank you Universe.  Maybe my sabbatical from church is nearing it's end?

My soul was shattered and my spirit was broken. 
Life is a forever forward moving process.  
I am open Universe, 
please continue giving me what I need, 
when I am ready for it.  


~Lisa Kroll 
     eating, praying and loving



-----
*my feelings.  The church didn't say, Lisa you are not welcomed.  I just don't like being made to feel like a sinner for being human and living life while always trying to do the right thing.

Castle on the Hill

Lyric excerpts from Castle on The Hill, by Ed Sheeran

"Found my heart and broke it here
Made friends and lost them through the years
And I've not seen the roaring fields in so long, I know I've grown
But I can't wait to go home

I'm on my way
Driving at ninety down those country lanes
Singing to "Tiny Dancer"
And I miss the way you make me feel, and it's real
We watched the sunset over the castle on the hill
...

One friend left to sell clothes
One works down by the coast
One had two kids but lives alone
One's brother overdosed
One's already on his second wife
One's just barely getting by
But these people raised me and I can't wait to go home

And I'm on my way, I still remember
This old country lanes
When we did not know the answers
And I miss the way you make me feel, it's real
We watched the sunset over the castle on the hill"

......

Reminiscing.
Reconnecting.
Realizations.

Sunset over the Castle in Chicago

Shared pains.
Growing up.
Kindness.
Being Real.
Accepting.


Friendships are precious.

What does a boy of almost 26 know of reconnection's?  Recently, Ed Sheeran released two new songs, his next album is due out on March 3rd.  When I initially listened to both songs I was immediately drawn to the sure-to-be number 1 dance song, Shape of You.  Upon further listening...it is his song Castle on the Hill that touches my soul. It's a song about returning home.  

In January, I reconnected with a few of my high school friends.  We spent the better part of a long weekend in Chicago.  What a blast!  I grew up in a community that was nestled in the cornfields of northern Indiana.  Most of these people I shared the weekend with, I first met when I was 11 years old.

Back in our high school days, we branched out from the safety of the cornfields once in awhile, and headed to the big city of Chicago for fun.  I recall thinking Chicago was ginormous.  My parents wouldn't let me go there without an adult present.  Thankfully, we had teachers who realized, high school students who live among the cornfields, needed to be exposed to culture.  IN MY DAY...teachers could drive a carload of students places without worry of accusations.  More likely accusations happened, but the teachers really knew the families of the students they were putting in their cars.  I think I grew up in a smaller world.  

We had an English teacher who would periodically take a group of us into the city to eat pizza at the Rathskeller, or Gino's.  We would also go to see Second City.  That was in the day when comedians Mary Gross, and Jim Belushi were on the main stage.  Occasionally, we'd head to Chicago to see a musical or eat an authentic meal: Mexican or French depending on what language one was studying. My love for live theatre was born when I was in high school, as I recall seeing both Evita and Annie live. I am thankful for the English, Spanish, French, Music and Band teachers I had growing up.    

The take away from my teachers...respect other cultures, and the Arts are important.

Today I am that "adult present" my parents long ago required. I drove my own car north into the Windy City from my little Southern Indiana town.  I was one of seven high school friends who came together for a mini-reunion.  We came from Northern and Southern Indiana, Southern Illinois and California.  We dined at Gino's, then headed to The Second City Main Stage.  Some history is worth repeating.  One in our group announced to our waitress that we were celebrating our high school reunion.  He told her if she could guess how long it's been, he'd give her a one hundred dollar tip.  Seconds later there was a loud, collective burst of "Oh My Gosh!!!!" when she said, "thirty-five." Amazing!  Or was it?  *wink, wink.  She did get that one hundred dollar tip.  

The show was a blast.  When it was over, 10:15 seemed too early to end the fun even though I know personally, my life as a first grade teacher finds me ready for bed shortly after I get home each night.  It was suggested we should go to a nearby (Uber ride away) bar, called The Original Mother's. Apparently Rob Lowe was in a movie that featured this bar.  Sadly, he wasn't to be seen on our visit.  We did play a non-traditional game of Beer Pong where we did not consume beer.  Two of us sang a karaoke duet to "Summer Loving," from Grease.  There is a video, but it's not blackmail worthy.  Both singers had a blast, with one having his own doo wop posse. 

The next day was filled with shopping at The Water Tower Place, followed by a decadent late afternoon lunch at the Ralph Lauren Club.  

When it was near dinner time we weren't anywhere close to being hungry.  One in our group made a small mention that her daughter is managing a hotel nearby.  Off we went on another short Uber ride; we all wanted to meet this beautiful young offspring of our childhood friend. As it was still too soon for dinner, we decided to catch a show before we dined.  This weekend was filled with many firsts.  

We headed to the world famous Baton Show Lounge that features female impersonators.  Holy crumbs, were they great!  Despite the group next to us embarrassing themselves with a party member who had too-much-something before they arrived, we had a wonderfully, entertaining evening.  All of the females in our group commented how intimidated they felt by the performers. The performers were sensual, curvaceous, owned their bodies, were flirtatious...and, yes a little outrageous!  As we were leaving, I stopped to tell the owner how much I enjoyed the evening. When we arrived that night, playing on a large screen over the stage was a video loop. The video explained how The Baton got it's name.  The owner, Jim Flint, twirled baton 47 years ago.  Well, so did I.  On a whim, I asked if he twirled and competed against another fairly famous Indiana baton twirler.  He had!  I knew it!  So had I!!!  I recall just one boy in the area who twirled when I was growing up...not including my brother and friend, Gordon, who were made to take a year of twirling due to complaining and competing with their sisters.  I am sure it was likely Jim.  Small world!

As we left The Baton, the male in our group was asked if he was follicly challenged?  Gathered on the sidewalk was a bachelorette party, on a scavenger hunt.  They needed to take a picture of the bride-to-be kissing a bald head.  My friend is such a good sport!  Payment came in the form of small jello filled cups for all.  Have you seen the movie, The Hangover?  I was sure one of us was going to end up sleeping on the roof of our hotel!  Strangers, on the streets of Chicago, offering Jello Shots out of a plastic Wal-Mart bag.  Oh my goodness! This evening really was to be filled with firsts.

At 10:30, we were now ready for dinner.  Off we headed to The Purple Pig where we shared, gourmet tapas plates.  Perfection!  Laughter filled the rest of the waning evening.  We opted to walk back to the hotel so we could enjoy the global warming effecting our January visit to the Windy City.  The walk home was filled with questions and curiosities about the performers from The Baton.  The costumes were very revealing...

Our weekend came to an end the next morning.  We shared breakfast at another wonderful eatery, the Tempo Cafe.

*****

What I have failed to mention is that all weekend long, there were little conversations that happened.  Sometimes two of us would get a chance to have a private conversation and rediscover who our former friends had grown to become.  We re-discovered...we are all beautiful human beings, and discovered we all survivors. We are survivors of the challenges life has offered.  In our presence was kindness, authenticity, acceptance, and maturity.   There was a realization of deeper connections that happened over those few days we shared. When you are older, and reconnect with those you knew growing up, you realize you didn't really know that person as a 17 or 18 year old.  How could you?  That person wasn't finished become the person they were meant to become.  Or maybe, they hadn't yet been colored by life.  They hadn't had the time to develop into the layered, intellectual soul they were meant to become.

Some people have things happen when they are young that does color them.  Most of us are able to survive our teens, and twenties without much damage.  I think it's typical that one hits 30, and life becomes more challenge filled. Not Adulting is NOT an option after a certain age is reached. (adult used here as a verb) By fifty, many are married, may have kids and/or possibly have gone through a broken relationship.  Our parents are starting to age, and their, or our, own health issues may be starting to rear their ugly heads.  The realization that one's career/dreams are not being reached means we start to re-evaluate what it is that we are really chasing.

When connecting with old friends, one can reminisce about events from one's youth, but the real connections begin when one realizes that none are completely comfortable in their own skin.  That doesn't mean we aren't comfortable.  What I am trying to say is that what others may presume to be true, may in fact not be true. Before I met my friends that weekend, I was thinking...these people were so beautiful when we were young.  Today they are even more beautiful AND successful. How can I even compare?  What ended up happening was I shared my weekend with real people.  They ARE beautiful and successful, but they are also very human.  I didn't really know that before.  My definitions for beauty and success are so different now than what they were when I was young.  For some reason, I was stuck with those old definitions in my brain.  

There is a certain safety in returning "home".  I ask again, how does a boy of almost 26 know of such reconnections?  Ed Sheeran, I admire your insights.  

~Lisa Kroll, healing with the help of my friends. 

Tonight's blogging music:  
Inspired by Ed Sheeran's, Castle on the Hill single to be released on his new album called Divide. Due out on March 3, 2017.  

Editing music: Music from the album Spirit by Amos Lee. 

Fresh Start......Home Is Where the Heart Is

Last weekend, I returned to my roots.  

My soul needed a little kick start.  

I went to see my parents.  

I feel a certain weight on my shoulders as the oldest of my siblings.  

Neither my brother nor my sister make me feel any extra responsibilities, but as a child growing up, I knew it was my place to be there for my siblings.  I felt it was expected of me to be the strength, the leader, the one who could get done what needed to get done.  I was to be the second-in-command should anything happen to our parents.  By default in 2006, I became commander-in-chief.  Up until around January of 2013, I felt I was doing a pretty good job of being the fearless leader.  Looking back now, I WAS doing a great job...THAT was the problem.  

The journey I am currently on is one many take.  It's called Life.  

My ring was my mom's.  The center diamond was her engagement ring from dad.
I wear it daily on my right hand to remind me of my parents strong bond and love.

 Sometimes leaders need to know when they should ask for help.  They need to know when to lean on others, and whom they can turn to for support.  My family...and I do mean my siblings, have been the souls whom I know I could count on. (I have several friends as well, but tonight...) Family is an important part of Life.  Life may be filled with challenges.  Challenges make us strong.  They draw out in us who we really are deep down inside.  Challenges show our character.  I believe by example, my parents showed me how to be the strong woman that I am today.  We learn from family.  Family allows us a safe place to grow.

 There are statues at the
cemetery close to my
parents graves.  I do
not visit where I grew
up often.  When I do,
I wonder who carved
these statues?  What
i this one supposed
to be thinking about?




I liked how the light played on the feather pen of the statue below.  If you are one who believes in ghosts...what do you see?  What do you think the meaning of this picture might be?

My parents have a beautiful view of Valparaiso University.  I find this interesting since neither went to college.  

 I was the first of my family to go to and finish college.  This weekend I thanked my parents for my degrees.  It was truly because of my mom that I was able to go back to school and get my Masters.

I confessed to my parents that my life wasn't going as I had expected.  I might have even shed a tear or two.  I didn't think I would be single at the age of 51.  I am perceptive enough to know, that my parents did raise a very smart, independent girl who is going to be just fine.  I'm still on my Life Journey.  I'm still growing and morphing into who I need to be.  I'm loving life once again and I am happy.  Have you seen the movie Inside Out?  Sadness adds to Joy.  My sadness has made me a richer person.  My soul has been moved, and truly knows how to live with Joy.  I start each day thinking about what I am grateful for in life.  I end each day thanking God for all my blessings.

On Saturday, my "baby" sister and I took flowers to the graves of several of our family members.  

I think Cemetery Selfies could be a new thing.  

Wish our brother could have been with us.  

Best Parents.  Ever.
They taught me how to be the best parent I could be to my own two blessings.

Tonight's music:  Joshua Bell's, At Home With Friends

Love one another. Be kind in Life. Know that sadness will happen, but joy will always follow.  

~Lisa 

Names and Emoji's.....

Welcome to the 21st Century!  

Dysfunctional
(adj)  deviating from the norms of social behavior in a way regarded as bad.

Text-chatting with my siblings tonight and the word dysfunctional came up.  I do not think we are dysfunctional.  In fact, I think the opposite.  I think many families would be jealous of the ease we share with one another.  

Our conversation tonight was a simple one:

Bean :

Did you both get a print of my kids wearing yellow?  I have some at home and can't remember!

My Other Brother, Larry:

I don't recall seeing that one in my house.....I think I saw it online 😀 (Smile face)

Bean :

Oh poo!  I'll pop it in the mail! 

My Other Brother, Larry:

Not a problem 

Bean :

I think Lisa got hers for her birthday!

My Other Brother, Larry:

Yeah.....I understand she's the favorite 😜 (Smile face with tongue hanging out)

Bean :

She's getting old.  I'm just nice to her so she remembers who I am as she ages

My Other Brother, Larry:

I'll give you that one!

Lisa :

jerks

yes I got one, I am the favorite.  But I’m everyone’s favorite.  😊 (Smile face)

My Other Brother, Larry:

Eh?

Bean :

Eh.  At least you know we are thinking about you 

Lisa :

I am getting old.  

Respect your elders

My Other Brother, Larry:

We all are

Lisa :

I’m young at heart though

My Other Brother, Larry:

I'm just immature

Keeps me from growing up

Lisa :

😊 (Smile Face)

Bean :

Lol

Lisa :

Love you both.  And your families as well.  

My Other Brother, Larry:

Same.....

Bean :

Love you guys too!!  XO

Gotta pack!  I'm going to -------- tomorrow!!

My Other Brother, Larry:

 ---------?  Enjoy 

Be safe

Lisa :

Godspeed Bean!  😊 (Smile face)

(I ❤️ that word!)

My Other Brother, Larry:

Bean?

Bean :

Yeah.  Bean.  Where you been?  

Or should I say, "where ha bean?"

LarryO

My Other Brother, Larry:

Yeah, now you have crossed the line

Lisa :

Little, Little Larry-O.  

You sort of need to yodel it, Bean

Like Larry-he-ho

Bean :

Oh good!  I'll try that next time!

My Other Brother, Larry:

A vision I don't need to think of is you two yodeling

Lisa :

I’m crying from laughing!

My Other Brother, Larry:

Picturing alpine outfits

Lisa :

Are we swedish?

in your image I mean

My Other Brother, Larry:

This is getting weird!

Bean :

Getting?  

We've always been

Lisa :

still crying from laughing

My Other Brother, Larry:

Weird is good..... Dysfunctional is the new normal

Lisa :

😊 (smile)

I need to walk my pooch!  Night you two!  Signing off…Lisa the Pizza-Pie

Bean :

👍 (Thumbs up)

My Other Brother, Larry:

Enjoy your evenings!  😍 (Smile face with heart eyes)

Lisa :

laters!

My Other Brother, Larry:

😈 (Devil smile face)

Bean :

😇 (Angel smiley face)

My Other Brother, Larry:

👹 (wild thing head)

👀 (pair of eyes)

Lisa :

👯 (Dancing twins, who look to be wearing  Mickey Mouse ears)

Bean :

That is so weird

My Other Brother, Larry:

🍪(cookie)

🍸(martini)

Lisa :

I know.  It cracks me up!

Bean :

🐽 (pig nose)

Lisa :

🎮 (Old  NES hand control)

Bean :

🍟(French Fries, from   McDonalds)

🍙 (food item?)

What is this? 🍙🍘(two different food items???)

My Other Brother, Larry:

💊(Pill)

Lisa :

🍖(Dog bone wrapped in ? chicken???)

Bean :

💠 (blue diamond like flower???)

Lisa :

is this a candy wrapper or a dog bone wrapped in something?  

My Other Brother, Larry:

🚫(No sign, like do not enter)

Bean :

And what's the point of this!??🔵🔴⚪️⚫️◼️◻️◾️◽️▪️▫️🔲🔳⚫️⚫️ (Circles, Squares, etc)

My Other Brother, Larry:

🈸🈵🈁🈹💹🈲🈯️ (Chinese symbols)

Bean :

We are having entirely too much fun with emotions.  

My Other Brother, Larry:

And I mean it

Lisa :

📺📻📷📹🎥⏰retro stuff (old TV, Radio, Camera, Video Camera, 8mm camera, clock)

Bean :

We ARE weird! 😜 (Smile face with tongue out)

Lisa :

I need to blog about this. 

You have both been warned

Help me with a title. 

For my post

My Other Brother, Larry:

🍩 (doughnut)

Bean :

I gotta go  (finding suitcase emoticon...)

Lisa :

Laters!!!  Still need a post title. 

Bean :

✈️ (airplane)

Lisa :

Then blogging

Bean :

🚅 pretty sure this is a monorail

Just sayin

Lisa :

I thought that too

Should be purple

or not

Bean :

Night!!!! XO 😋😜(two different smile face with tongue out)

Lisa :

Laters!!!

My Other Brother, Larry:

🐄💩 (cow, pile   of poop  with  a  smile  face  on  it)

Ciao

Did you notice we digressed at some point?  Emoji's took over.  Have you ever really looked at all those?  What are some of those supposed to be?  When would one ever use some of those?  I can't figure it out. Seriously, the retro ones I posted mean that there is a generation who knows what those are supposed to be AND has jumped into the 21st century.  Baby Boomers who have embraced technology.  

                                                         ••••••••

Growing up, I was blessed to have an extended family filled with cousins. We all have/had nicknames.  I know my brother and I decided on our sister's nickname, but how we got ours?  I do not know.  I was Lisa, The Pizza Pie. My brother was Larry-O (a.k.a. Little Larry, after our father).  My sister, the baby...Eileen, the Bean.  No one, save us, is allowed to use those names. Those are ours.  Our tie to our parents, and to our shared past.  Once in awhile my cousins, the older ones, will call me Pizza.  They are also allowed. 

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My Latest obsession:  Taylor Swift's album 1989

Have listened to every song on that album over and over and over in the past 24 hours.  I've had the CD for weeks, but really just listened to it all.  IT'S GREAT!!!  She is one talented lady.  

Tonight:  Wildest Dreams (click here to hear it)...LOVE IT! 
                              lyrics click here
My regret is that I cannot sing.  I do, but...I am a teacher, not a singer.  I know my limitations.  Thank goodness for closed doors and windows.

T Minus 5 Days and Counting....

Almost time for an adventure to begin.

Reflections on Father's Day

My dad died in 1985.
Twenty-eight years ago...on June 20th.

                     My father was...

loving

funny

smart

kind

playful

a family man

religious

happy-go-luck

and handsome 

(I think he looked like Dean Martin!)

I still miss him.  

Mostly I miss his embrace.  

Love is in the Air...today...

I found this deflated balloon in the woods this morning.

I do feel that love is in the air every day.  But today, I feel it weighing heavy on my heart.

Like millions of others, I rose early this morning to watch the Royal Wedding.    I recalled sitting with my mom in 1981 watching Diana and Charles get married.  I was alone today.   Neither of my children nor my husband joined me.  I live with a bunch of unromantic souls.

I didn't mind watching the wedding by myself.  Kate and William's love for one another showed clearly in their smiles.  The beauty of their event made me very happy too.  After my family went off to school and work, I took Winston out for our morning walk.  Walks with Winston mean alone time for me and sometimes too much alone time can be dangerous.  My mind quickly wandered to a pair of my elder neighbors.

Sunday was Easter.  Mr. & Mrs. L have been married for 63 years.  Mrs. L lives in the house they had built forty-some years ago at the end of my street.  Her husband lives in a nearby retirement center.  He's been away from his house for two years now due to healthy conditions requiring more hands on care than she can handle by herself.  Most recently he had suffered a stroke (last October, his second one) and lost his vision as a result.  At 9:40 pm Sunday night, Mrs. L called me.  She had just received a call from the retirement center saying her husband fell and they felt he needed to be checked out at the hospital.  Mrs. L needed a ride.  She's comfortable driving during the day but it was dark now.

Within 20 minutes I had her at the ER and we waited for Mr. L. to arrive...it was now 10pm.  I don't have a very clear timeline on what all happened next, but Mrs. L and myself went back to see Mr. L after he arrived.  We sat in chairs at the foot of his bed and were trying to evaluate his situation.  Did he break anything?  Was he just being dramatic?    Was he just needing attention?  How was his mind?  Did he hurt anything else?  We would need to wait for a doctor to come in and then Mr. L would go off the have x-rays taken.  He might have broken his hip and that would need to be ruled out first.

Mrs. L told Mr. L that she had a friend with her.  Not being able to see, Mr. L asked if it was Norma (I think) and she responded, "No, it's Lisa."  No last name, just it's Lisa.  Within a minute Mr. L asked about Winston.  It is my opinion that his mind was clear!  I have known this couple for over 25 years.  We've shared picnics and holidays.  Mr. L was my biggest cheerleader when I made my decision to be a staying-at-home mom with my children.  He made me feel like he admired my choice.

While we waited on the doctor, Mr. & Mrs. L and I chatted about how things were; what happened mostly and where did it hurt.  We also talked about some audio books that Mrs. L had signed Mr. L up to receive for free through the Library of Congress.  He was most recently listening to a book about Winston Churchill!  The longer we waited, the more impatient Mrs. L was becoming...where was THAT doctor!  She would go and check every 10 minutes or so.  Mr. L and I had a chance to chat privately.  I asked about his day because I had all ready heard about it from Mrs. L.  Their day had been shared with their son and filled with two church services, a new pastor, chatting with friends who hadn't been seen in some time, lunch out and dinner back at the retirement center.  Both Mr. and Mrs. L had privately told me how wonderful the day had been and how beautiful was the music at church.  During one of our alone moments, Mr. L asked me, "Who are those people?" and he pointed just past my left side.  I turned to look around the curtain that divides the small room.  The door was closed and I reminded myself he was blind.  "Which people?"  "Those people.  Are they are people from Meadowood?"  No one was there and I couldn't hear anyone either.  "I think it's people from the hospital", I told him and the moment was dismissed.  A few minutes later, Mrs. L came back with the doctor.  Mr. L was accessed and would need to go for x-rays.   Another 10 minutes and Mr. L was rolled away.  Just a minute before Mr. L returned, the doctor came into the room and told us the news.  Mr. L had broken his right hip and it would require surgery.  

When Mr. L returned though, he seemed to be in a very deep sleep.  He was snoring very loudly and actually his breathing seemed noisy...wet.  The nurses hooked him back up to the monitors and immediately things were not okay.  His blood pressure was VERY, VERY low.  They grabbed the doctor, who wanted an IV of fluids started.  Within 30 minutes I could tell that wasn't working.  A drug was administered through the IV with hopes that it would regulate Mr. L's BP.  It did.  Mr. L would need to go have a CT scan of his belly area to see if there was any internal bleeding happening.  Then Mr. L was being moved up to ICU.  Before things started seeming NOT okay to me, Mrs. L was trying to get me to go home.  She said she be fine and she'd call on someone else to take her home.  As IF I would leave her!!!  I think being with both my step-dad and my mom at their ends of life some how made the unconscious part of my being say DO NOT LEAVE!

It was just before midnight when we had the last conversations with Mr. L.  He became unresponsive...not even responding to pain stimuli.  He was moved to ICU at about 3-ish, and we saw the next doctor just after 4.  He explained that they just didn't know why what was happening was happening.  They would need time to run blood tests to check for infections, and to be able to tell if he'd had a heart attack.  Mr. L's ekg was different than it had been earlier in the evening.  Without the medication in his body to regulate his BP, Mr. L's BP would drop again.  I watched his numbers get as low as 55/35.  A CT scan of his brain would need to happen too as well as an MRI.  Satisfied there was nothing else we could find out or do over the next few hours, Mrs. L and I were ready to head home.  That was 4:45 am.  I made her go back in to say goodbye to Mr. L and give him a kiss.
          *****
I stopped by Mrs. L's house last night and chatted with her son and daughter before she came out.  The results of the MRI show hundreds of blood clots in Mr. L's brain and no more brain activity.  Today they were going to abide my Mr. L's living will wishes.

Mrs. L said to me the other night, "I didn't expect things to be like this.  I'm not really sure what I expected.  Maybe for us to just walk off together."

So although I feel the beautiful love surrounding Kate and William today as they start their new life together as husband and wife, I also am feeling the beautiful love of another couple.  Beginnings are filled with love and so are endings.

*****     *****     *****
Thank you readers for bearing with my emotions today.  On top of noting the above, it was almost exactly 5 years ago that my mom was diagnosed with her brain cancer.  If you've read my experiences from before than you know I do believe in spirits.  Reflecting back onto Sunday night,  I think there were some spirits in the ER room with Mr. L.  I am honored that I was asked to help Mrs. L that night.  I know many others would have done exactly what I did.

Santa came to visit me this year!

December 23, 2010, Santa arrived on my doorstep.

I came home to find UPS had left a large box at my house. It was addressed to just me and it was from my Uncle John. He's the youngest of my mom's four living siblings and the closest in age to me - just 6 years my elder. We don't exchange Christmas presents so I was very curious what might be in this box. It felt light...maybe it was a wreath.

I toyed with waiting the two more days until Christmas to open it, but my curiosity was just too strong. My teens were sitting at the table, both on their computers, chatting with their friends I suppose. Regardless, they seemed absorbed in their own worlds, so I proceeded to open the box, in my own little world there too.

Inside the box I found a letter in an envelope that said,

"Open me first"

"Season's Greetings! In this box you will find a Christmas memento from times past. All of us at one time or another during Christmas at Grandma's house touched this and took from it, the sweetness she made in her kitchen and placed upon it.

This item was very special to Grandma and it is signed by the one's who gave it to her one Christmas in 1962 (look on the back!) Recently discovered, we wanted to continue the tradition of using it to provide holiday cheer to those that visit during the holidays.

The recipient of this item should use it during their Christmas celebration and then around Thanksgiving of the following year, send it to another family member to use and enjoy during the next holiday season.

Sign the back of this page so the next recipient will know who has enjoyed it the years before they received it. Pack it well (save the box and packaging) so it will arrive safely at it's new destination.

Remember, Grandma is watching! Happy Holidays!"

*****

At first I thought maybe it was Grandma's old Aunt Jemima cookie jar from her kitchen counter. As I lifted the foam layers of wrapping, I saw Santa...

The tears caught me completely by surprise.

*****

In Santa's eyes I saw my own mom; paint brush in hand as she carefully painted each stroke of his blue irises. I have edited out our family name which is hand-painted in gold across the top. My mom's hand writing...big and bold, in gold. My own hand writing looks so similar!

I remember this platter quite well. It was placed each holiday season center stage, on Grandma's coffee table. It was prized by my grandmother. I recall hard candies being on it...the rest of the year the hard candies were hidden in a white ceramic box on that table, in the same spot, it too had been made by my mom. That box had handmade red roses on it. Grams was a baker extraordinaire. She made hundreds of cookies each fall! Her garage had stacks of Tupperware containers filled with her baked treats. Thumbprint, Date-filled, various Spritz, Snicker doodles and sugar cookies.

She'd make everyone their own Gingerbread boy too, but each was huge...filling the entire cookie sheet! I would help wrap each piece of cardboard before it's boy laid down for traveling. Grams would make these treats each year for all of us...because they were Joe's favorite! :) I still haven't been able to make Gingerbread boys like her.

The year my mom and dad and mom's siblings gave this platter to my grandparents I wasn't even thought of yet. My parents were newly weds and she was just 20 years old. The baby of her sibs would have just turned four (I think). Mom was the eldest of the living siblings.

*****

My tears were so powerful they made my children each look up at me. "Are you okay?" they asked. I shook my head yes as I walked away to be alone in my bedroom.

Powerful, yet wonderful memories. I hope my own children are as lucky some day, in the very distant future!!!

This holiday season I did fill the Santa platter with treats I made: buckeyes, English toffee, Bourbon balls, poppy seed and nut bread rolls and sugar cookies. Santa traveled with me to my in-laws on Christmas night for dinner/dessert and to a friends house on New Year's Eve. He is now safely tucked into his box and come Thanksgiving will travel to visit another family member. Between now and then I need to decide who he should go visit next. Letting him go will be hard. Thankfully I do like to share.

Challenges..."Don't Quit!" Attitudes

My gym shoes have a new look!

My red laces show my tie to cancer. This weekend, on Saturday, I will run/walk a 5K with my daughter. It is the first Coach Hep Indiana Cancer Challenge here in Bloomington. Here's the link: http://www.coachhepcancerchallenge.org/index.html

from the website: "IU Football Coach Terry Hoeppner faced every obstacle, even brain cancer, with a positive, "Don't Quit" attitude.

Help us as we apply Coach Hep's determined optimism to funding cancer research and treatment right here in Indiana. Sign up now for the first annual Coach Hep Indiana Cancer Challenge on Saturday, May 10 in Bloomington, Indiana.

You can run, walk or ride a bike. And when you register, you'll be helping to support the IU Simon Cancer Center and Olcott Center for Cancer Education.

If you can’t participate in a Challenge event, help out in another way. Donate online, volunteer or become a sponsor."
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Having personal experience with a loss due to brain cancer, I know how much - or really, how little - is known in this field. Helping fund cancer research is a small thing I can do to help make a difference.

I'll run/walk because my mom can't. Maybe my few dollars donated to research can find ways to help others beat GBM.

:)

Winning The Game...

Mom's last call:  Click on the link on left side of blog to hear. Deleted: Only on my phone now...

Once a month or so I get a reminder on my cell phone that I have an old message.  I can pretend that she is making the last call once again, and that I won.  

Truthfully, it wasn't much longer after this call before the brain cancer really set in and I was unsure if she remembered who I was.  It is so nice to actually hear her say she loves me.  Kind of weird, I know.  Validation.  It's what I needed from her.  

The tears flow freely now... I still miss her.  

...today is...

Reminiscing souls are always aware of important dates...even if they don't acknowledge them to anyone else.

The Lady and the Mailman...

Unexpected people touch our lives. As Valentine's Day is nearing I have been thinking about two individuals I lost last year at that time.

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The Lady...Mary Morgan Oliver. She came into my life when I first started dating my husband, 23 years ago. She lived across the street from my future in-laws from the day they bought their house. In the end they would be friends for over 50 years. She and my MIL were best buddies. They shared joys, sadness, births, husbands careers, vacations, holidays, service groups, secrets, etc. They were sisters without the blood connection. Mary would even call my MIL's sisters just to chat...and they lived in different states.

When you met Mary you would have the thought, here is a soul who is a tomboy, loves life, is easy going and truly listens to what others have to say. She would remember what you told her and was always asking about something you had talked about in the past. She cared about others. She was a true lady.

She was the wife of a college professor and attorney as well as a mother of two. Her husband had the idea that they should try to make wine out of grapes. He started his hobby in their basement and she encouraged the adventure. She loved picnics and family gatherings. She also enjoyed socializing with her friends.

Her community mattered to her and she served on several boards feeling a special connection to our local hospital. When she passed away I don't think our community really realized the loss we had been dealt.

Mary was one of the few people I have known who would always find the positive in life. Maybe that's why I liked her so much...just being around her was uplifting.

The Mailman...Within a few days of Mary passing away my mailman also died. It was another incredible loss for our community, but on a different level. Another loss that I don't think many even paused to realize.

Arthur (Artie) D'Antonio was due to retire in June. He too loved life. It wasn't until he passed away that I found out how educated this man was. He went to school to be a lawyer. He had top honors in his classes. He chose a more simple life. When you met him you knew right away that the loves of his life were his wife, Shannon, his son (Artie Jr.) , baseball and his gardens. He had this wonderful New York accent and a raspy voice. He definitely had been a smoker long ago. Artie too loved life and smiled constantly. He always had a smart-a-lic, funny comment to make, but would be truly concerned if you weren't having a good day.

He was my mailman for over 8 years. I remember him wishing me a happy birthday when I first moved in. I told him it wasn't fair that he knew my name and a lot about me, but I didn't know anything about him. He introduced himself and that's when our friendship started to grow. He'd slyly bring packages to my door at Christmas time - so the kids wouldn't see the labels to see what Santa had bought. He'd put notes in my mailbox telling me to tell my husband the weather was going to be good, "so get out and put up those Christmas lights!"...probably a federal offense! He'd bring me flower clippings and starters from things in his yard - when he wasn't even on the clock. He'd get out of his mail car and come around the back of my house when I had my mulch delivered just to goad me that a neighbor down the street was farther along in spreading her mulch.

I really knew we were more than just acquaintances when he had to be off work for several weeks due to surgery and he told me ahead of time about it and said, "you need to stop by and see my roses."  I didn't stop by. I felt too weird in doing so. After he was back on duty he told me he was really hurt that another neighbor lady and I didn't stop by to see his roses. From then on...I went to see his roses. I went to see his Christmas lights, his pool, his landscaping plans, etc.

Artie reminded me of my dad. Fun loving and enjoying life, happy with all he'd been blessed.

As the one year anniversary for these two souls passing is marked, I will remind myself of all I admired in them. I will try to honor them both by embracing their spirits and touching others as they touched me.

Life is too short. I've seen the end...we need to enjoy each day.