What if???

I have been thinking a single thought lately...what if...

I have spent the past few years feeling responsible for all the crap I have gone through.  I realize that each of us IS responsible for what they allow into their lives.  So technically, I am.  I'm meaning I took the blame for everything that happened that lead to my marriage ending.  If I had seen the end coming I should have done something to stop the train.  Right???  I hadn't fallen out of love, so I didn't think that train was on the right tracks.  I didn't know where that engine was located.  I didn't see it, and therefore I felt I must have done something wrong.  Being the person that I am, I felt responsible for how everything played out.  I felt responsible for all the problems.  As if I, alone, was to blame for the my marriage failing and then ending.  But what if...

What if... I am responsible.  

Responsible for being a capable individual.
Responsible for being a smart human being.
Responsible for holding the family together. 
Responsible for being a kind soul, who actually loves life, and finds joy all around.
Responsible for my own loving and being loved in return. 
Responsible for my own voice.  

What if I'm actually not the damage goods I was made to believe I was?

No finger pointing, but I was born and raised in a society that was in flux.  For awhile I believed that men were to be cherished, to be put on a pedestal and to be treated like the king of the castle.  At the same time, I believed women were to insist on equal rights and could do everything men could.  I put my dad up on a pedestal while I deeply admired my mom.  I followed suit in my own home.  Yet, some part of me felt I couldn't speak my mind in my household.  I am not a fighter.  Maybe that was the problem.


Last week I read a book called Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton.  The story is a memoir and incredibly personal.  Glennon's story is of her learning to love again.  She grew up thinking she wasn't enough according to society's standards.  Instead of thinking society was flawed, she took the blame.  She says she 'checked out' and sent her 'representative' instead of her true self to live life.  I can certainly relate to her thinking.  So many times I felt maybe I was the problem...but what if I wasn't.  What if I was just with the wrong person who couldn't appreciate all the details that make up me?  

As I read Love Warrior, there were times I felt Glennon had actually been inside my head while she was writing..as if she snatched some of my thoughts and claimed them as her own.  Her writing validated me and suddenly I didn't feel so isolated in my thoughts. When I finished reading, I wondered, what if there has never been anything wrong with me?  Again, I know we aren't perfect, but what if I chose to believe someone else's story about me over my own truths?  What if that story was flawed because they were flawed themselves, and there for they couldn't see me in the proper light?    

Today I am still healing.  I am a stronger person than I used to be. That's not really a true statement.  I have always been a strong person, I just know it now and show it more. I still struggle, and have challenges, but I know I can handle anything that comes my way.  As I become more self-assured, I am feeling ready to get back out into society and have a real relationship.  I want to share my life and all I have with another.  I want to be someone's favorite hello and his hardest goodbye.  I want to love again.  I am discovering that I do have a lot to offer.  I know I am not yet fully healed, and will always be a work in progress...as are we all. Time helps me to gain confidence in knowing my own truths. This mindset...it's pretty cool.  Thanks Glennon, for helping push me over the fence to see the grass on the other side.  I feel I've been teetering for sometime and you made me realize we all have flaws, along with strengths.  

Friends keep telling me, 'you're fine/normal', 'this is natural', 'in time...', etc., but Friends, when you tell me that, and I look at you, I know you have no idea what hell I have truly been going through.  How can you know I'm going to be okay?  I don't wish tragedy on anyone, and I do know that behind closed doors things aren't always what they appear to be to outsiders.  Reading Glennon's story made me feel like a Love Warrior.  It was the push I think I've been needing. I felt a seed of peace and acceptance being planted in my soul as I closed that book.  

What if ... my seed blooms into a flower, with tendrils so long, and so beautiful, they touch others too?  No limits with this love-warrior-woman now.  

Warrior On, 

Lisa Kroll
~Shooting for the stars, while working on eating, always praying and giving thanks for what life shares with me, and being my own Love Warrior.

NOTES: 
Blogging music tonight:  Bon Iver, 22, A Million the album on Spotify,
then my latest playlist creation that includes We are One, by Angelique Kidjo, Addicted to You by Avicii, Counting Backwards to 1 by Beautiful Small Machines, Bittersweet Faith (Thievery Corporation Remix) by Bitter Sweet, #1 Night by Cobra Starship, Paradise, Clocks, and Viva La Vida by Coldplay, Titanium by  David Guetta, and then Ed...Tenerife Sea, Shirtsleeves, Let It Out, Where We Land and Firefly.  

Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton
My sister saw this book online months ago and said, "We need this!"
She sent me the link to pre-order. Which I did.
Sisters Forever.

“you will always be my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
P.S. i will always love you”...by Ceclia Ahern

Lycan Chronicles - Book Review

In late June, I commented on FB...yes, I enjoy Facebook...that I would blogging more here than posting there.  Part of me wanted to document my travels. The other part of me wanted to get back into being creative, and write - Pre Facebook, if you will.  Posting on FB is fine, but sometimes it seems filled with braggers or causes.  At least here on my blog, if what I write is read, then it is read.  If not, I'll never be any wiser.  I know how easy it is to fall into the FB trap; Only x number of ppl liked that, how come THEY aren't my friend too?, etc.  There are a lot of ways people can use Facebook to make themselves feel valued.

I like to see what my friends are up to in their lives.  I don't "like" every comment I read...but I do smile when I see happy things, pray when prayers are needed and offer moral support if I can.  For me, the connections and reconnection's I have made through FB have been a blessing.

*****

When I commented about my blog on FB, I had a friend ask if I'd read his book and then comment.

Well, Of Course!

Full disclosure to anyone who reads this posting:  I am friends with the author.  He and I did attend high school together as classmates.  We went to a very small public school and literally everyone knew everyone.

Lycan Chronicles is a self-published book.  The story takes place mostly in a small town in southern Indiana. It is a story of Vampires vs Lycans.  Lycans are a form of werewolf: being able to can control when they transform.  Classic good versus evil.

I found this story to be very creatively written.  There are twists and turns, and unbelievable connection which made it fun to read.  While this story was filled with a lot of violence...much more than I enjoy...it did seem true to what Vampires and Lycans may be like if they were dealing with one another.   I found it hard to connect with many of the characters because shortly after being introduced most had the misfortune of not being in the story any longer.  I guess that is what can happen if you cross the path of a vampire.  I spoke to the author after I finished reading his book and told him my concerns of editing issues.  He assured me he is aware of the problems and has a hacker who is the bane of his existence.  I think that stinks, because my belief is better editing would help launch this book into main stream.  It really was a creative story!

As I stated upfront, I have known the author for most of my life but I really had no clue THIS was running around his brain.  Well done, Brent!  I look forward to reading your next tale.

If you happen to be interested in purchase one of Brent's books, click here:  Lycan Chronicles.

:)

My Walkabout.....

--------- from Dictionary.com---------

walk·a·bout

noun

1.

Chiefly British .

a.

a walking tour.

b.

an informal public stroll taken by members of the royalfamily or by a political figure for the purpose of greetingand being seen by the public.

2.

Australian.

a.

a brief, informal leave from work, taken by an Aborigine towander the bush, visit relatives, or return to native life.

b.

absence from work.

va·ca·tion

noun

1.

a period of suspension of work, study, or other activity, usuallyused for rest, recreation, or travel; recess or holiday:Schoolchildren are on vacation now.

2.

a part of the year, regularly set aside, when normal activitiesof law courts, legislatures, etc., are suspended.

3.

freedom or release from duty, business, or activity.

4.

an act or instance of vacating.

In my search to remember Who I Am, I am leaving my home today to head on an adventure.  Since I am going alone, by myself, not meeting up with friends or family, I am having a hard time calling this a vacation.  Although clearly, after reviewing the definitions of vacation and walkabout on dictionary.com, it appears I am going more on a vacation.  My heart is struggling with the "alone" part...hence my desire to call this a walkabout. 

I give credit to two ladies for inspiring me to head out on my own for a short time of discovery.  First author Joan Anderson, who wrote A Year By The Sea.  I was definitely reminded as I read her book that I have spent the last 27 years of my life putting everyone else dear to me first...which mostly includes my husband and children.  The second lady I will credit is my mentor, whom I politely request to leave unnamed.   She is helping me through this transitional time in my life and her guidance and support mean the world to me.  

I'm not yet exactly sure what I expect to discover about myself over these next ten days, but I will chart my adventure here in my blog.  

Your comments, kind reader, are always welcome.  

A Girl's Read...

Stephanie Meyer's Twilight Saga is perfect for teenage girls!  The four books in this series are worth the time any age gal wants to spend with her nose in a good book.  

I am a first grade reading teacher. My daughter is 14.   Reading is NOT my daughter's first love.  I don't think it even rates up there on her top 100 things to do, ever.  Several other "moms" and friends I know have read this series.  I think every single girl my daughter knows has read these books.  

After persistent prodding from my daughters BFF, she finally read the first book last summer.  I was curious too.  I asked our mutual friend, if we could borrow her book a little longer.  I was hooked.  To encourage further reading by my non-reader-daughter we borrowed all but the last book from her BFF.  The last book I requested from the library because my daughter still had book three to read and I couldn't wait.  Last Saturday I started book 4 while my daughter started book 3 on Sunday.   I swear my daughters nose was glued in her book all day on Sunday.  We went out for dinner and she didn't want to go because she wanted to read.   She went to bed that night and stayed up very late, until she finished the book.  

When she comes home from school in another hour and a half I will smile as I place book 4 in her hands.  Too bad she has ballet tonight and all day tomorrow.  I know where her nose will be again this Sunday!  

This series is just that good, if fictional romance is your thing.  I won't put any spoilers here, but there is no swearing in all these books.  There is appropriate sex, and if you read the series you'd understand that statement, in book four.  I am glad I have read this before my daughter.  But I can't wait to share this with her too.  

If you live close to me and are curious about these books I happen to own a copy of the first book and would willingly loan it out.  I am a big fan of the public library and would encourage that route too.  I had requested book 3 from the library quite some time ago...I was number 39 on that wait list.  Lucky for me my daughter finished book 2 and we borrowed book 3 from her BFF before the library came through.    

I received an e-mail last Friday morning from the library and happily went to borrow my requested book.  

Now to find another good read...

Book Worm in a Great Book...

I have been stuck with my nose in a book for the past few days.  I have about 200 hundred(of 750) pages to read and THEN I can function in life again.    

Once a book worm....

Thank goodness I have the time to read today!  

:)

In my "free" time...

Once upon a time, I was asked "What do you DO all day long?"  

Our single neighbor, and co-worker of my husband, did not mean anything offensive by his question.  He was just baffled that anyone would want to stay at home with a child.  If memory serves me well, I believe his own mother was a SAHM.  

What do I do all day long?  Well, for the past 8 1/2 years I have helped first graders learn how to read each weekday, school morning.  That means I have half a day to account for.  What do I do?  Hmm...Laundry, grocery shopping, birthday present buying (including wrapping said gifts, picking out cards and mailing them, if necessary), Meal planning, nutrition management and cooking, yard work, afternoon greeter and listener then shuttle service to two teenagers,  hopefully workout (not as high on the list of priorities as it should be), personal maid service to our household...includes cleaning bathrooms, floors, and windows, zookeeper...

Gosh, maybe a better question would be, What don't I do?  I do not sit around and watch TV or eat bonbons during the day and I don't know any other person, SAHM or not, who does!  With the above said, I must add...I love my life.  

-----  

I also love to read.  But that is one of those, just-before-bed treats I allow myself.  This past September, the third book in the four book Inheritance series by Christopher Paolini came out.  My son has an even more voracious book appetite than I!  He and I were anxiously awaiting the 19th of September.  We purchased the above book, Brisingr, and easily decided he should be the first to read it.  Oh to be a carefree teen again!  He devoured the book in less than three days.  Seven hundred and fifty pages!  

I will not tell you the details of Brisingr.  But I would describe the series as Lord of the Rings meets StarWars.  I am sure most boys would enjoy this series.  Lots of action, battles, swords, good versus evil mixed with fantasy.  When my children were little we read books out loud nightly.  This is one of those books that has so many made up names in it that my tongue would probably get tired trying to correctly say every word.  The author would cringe if he heard me try to read this out loud.  But, as a read, I would recommend these books.  Book one, Eragon, was written when the author was just 16 years old.  His writing skills have grown with him!  

Last night, only two months after my son finished the book, I finally finished the story.  At midnight my son was standing over me, patiently watching as I read the last few pages.  He's been dying to have someone to chat with about this story!  

I am happy to have this connection with my child/ren.  The last book I read was Twilight, by Stephanie Meyers.  Another good read, but chick flick in a book!  My daughter and I could each picture our own Edward.  Interestingly enough, my Edward looked a lot like the guy in the 22 year milestone photo below!  I'm pretty sure that was not my daughters picture in her mind!  

My next read will be number 2 in the Twilight series, New Moon.  Off to the book store soon!  

What else do I do in my free time?  Well, I have a hard time just sitting down and watching TV.  I enjoy it, but somehow feel unproductive if I can't be multi-tasking.  When I was first married I found I enjoyed cross stitch.  Once I had children, I found reading the patterns made it hard to remain focused.  Something always side-tracked me!  

But, I have always enjoyed the challenge of making a special gift for a new baby!  Just last February, my maid of honor and high school buddy,  adopted a beautiful little boy!  I received her announcement late that month or early in March.  Just last night I finished the bib I cross stitched for Philip!  I am sure my friend thinks I have fallen off the face of the earth!  Moving and doing this kitchen project have not helped with my amount or lack of free time!   

My next project?  I am knitting a scarf for my son.  I am hoping to finish that soon, before the real cold sets in!