A Summer Without....

At the beginning of summer, I made a decision.  

No dating apps.

I had found myself checking my phone way too much for a validation that wasn't happening. My self worth was starting to tank, and I realized I was putting too much pressure on myself. I had been thinking, What is wrong with me?  Why doesn't anyone want to date me?  Why aren't people I am interested in on line interested in me?  So, I gave myself permission to stop that crap. I wasn't going to pay for stressing myself out any more. If I am meant to meet someone, or be with someone...it will happen.

My thoughts are that one day, one of my friends might think of someone who would be a fun match for me.  Or maybe one of my students will have a single, my-age, grandfather.  Then, if that person and I are meant to be together, it will happen.  I know one can't predict or control attraction. When I meet the right person, we will hang out, do things people who want to get to know one another do, talk and either click, or not.

To combat the lonely moments I felt, I filled my time with things I like to do: self care things. I read, wrote, cleaned out old papers, de-cluttered my computer, worked on house projects, or things for my classroom. I put together puzzles and baked MY favorite cookies. I was also spontaneous with my girl friends. I found that whole 'if you build it, they will come' thing works! If I wanted companionship, I just needed to ask. 

One beautiful weathered night, I just wanted to sit out back on my deck, and drink wine with friends. So I made it happen. Another time, a friend from school and I planned a Ladies Game Night, and we played Cards Against Humanity. I must admit, it was the most polite game of CAH I've ever played. I think we needed more alcohol, or maybe a different, cleaner game for the crew invited. One night, I took Toby to an outdoor concert, figuring the worse thing that could happen is I'd be asked to leave if dogs weren't allowed. Another night I called a theatre in a nearby town and inquired if tickets were still available for that night's performance. I just had enough time to get there...so I went. I ended up sitting in the front row. Spur of the moment live theatre! I binge watched shows until the wee hours of the morning. I laughed out loud at stupid, funny movies that I've always wanted to see. I allowed myself to fall asleep, and spend the entire night on the couch, too. I didn't even brush my teeth that night.  Such a rebel! 

In the end, it was still a hard summer. I still had low moments, and I still worry I'll be alone forever. My sister reminds me often that as humans, we aren't meant to be alone. I am grateful for my summer break to be over. I am happy to be back into the chaos of my classroom. 

I am trying to have faith that my someone is still out there.  

Maybe he's working on healing himself, just as I am.

~Lisa Kroll, 
     simple wonder woman, creator of my own happiness, lover of life, and human being

---------- Listening to  Rachel Platten, Fight Song; Family of the Year, Hero; Ruth B, Lost Boy; and my Instrumental Playlist...songs by The Piano Guys and Simply Three.  

Feeling Grounded

My mind seems to have settled down over these past few years.
I am grateful.

It once raced to the point that I thought my head was going to explode, or maybe I was going crazy. The emotions inside me were frantically all wanting to be heard at once. My head would pound. My eyes struggled to focus as the pain behind them made me simply want to shut my eyes and tune out the World. Sometimes, I would physically feel my body clench up as my fists pulled inward, towards my racing heart. My arms would close in as well. Instinctively, I'd collapse into a fetal like position, even if I was standing. My body was trying to close off all external stimuli.

Overload.  Capacity full.

Deep breath.

Talk therapy helped.

I wasn't going crazy.
Life was changing, and I wasn't insane.
I was very normal.
Our bodies are amazing, and mine sensed the high stress levels; it was trying to protect me in the best way it could.

I needed to learn to be in the moment.
I needed to learn to be mindful.

Breathe.
Inhale deeply through my nose.
Hold that breath, and focus on taking it deep down into my lungs.
Feel it.
Exhale through my mouth, loudly, making sure all air is expelled, but note the sound of the rushing air as it goes over my teeth and through my lips.  Feel my stress dissipating into space, leaving me cleansed.  No longer is the stress inside me.  When I am mindful, I am very aware of all around me, and of my own being. In the moment, I am here. I am fine.

Rational thoughts slowly permeated the chaos inside my head.

You are fine, I'd tell myself.
You are strong.
You can do this.
You are going to be all right.
You are going to be better than all right.
You will survive (cue Gloria Gaynor, huh?)

I look in the mirror, and tell my reflection,
You are perfect.
You have everything you need.
You are enough.  You are blessed.  

Let's be honest, we live in a harsh world.  We need to practice self care, and that means nourishing our own souls. We need to start by being positive, and loving ourselves.  It truly is the only way we can completely love others.

*****

My morning routine after I wake up, is to take Toby downstairs, let him out back, and wait inside for him to do his business.  A few days ago, if my neighbors were watching, they might have witnessed something different, and personal.

I walked into the middle of my backyard as Toby went out, and I inhaled deeply.  The sounds of the birds singing in the trees filled my ears.  The smell of the fresh mowed grass filled my nose.  The sparkle of the sun peeking through the green leaves, reflecting the morning dew touched my eyes, and the warmth of the Earth nuzzled my bare feet.  I drank in the moment and allowed it to linger on and in me for over five minutes.  I just stood in my backyard, breathing deeply.  My heart filled with joy and I felt something come alive inside me.  I realized I was feeling grounded.  Literally, the Earth was claiming me as hers.  The beauty of those moments were filling my soul.

I am strong.

I am better than all right.

I am living as I am meant to be living.

I have everything I need.  I am blessed.  

                     ~Lisa Kroll
                            grounded, happy, perfect

Grand Memories...

Social media reminded me yesterday morning, just five short years ago I was standing on the rim of the Grand Canyon. What a transforming trip. What a wonderful memory. At the time, I had no idea how much that trip was preparing me for my future.

Five years ago, I was alone in my travels. I called it my walkabout, and it was. I was forced to only think of myself for twelve days. What did I want to do each day? What did I want to see? Where did I want to go? What did I want to eat? So many years of being a caregiver, maid, cook, chauffeur, etc needed to be set aside for once. Being a wife and a mother were the only roles I really knew. I had truly forgotten who I was at my core. I was forced to be silent. No conversations. No one else to think about. I needed to learn to be okay with the quiet. When one is alone, to whom do they have to talk?  I ended up listening to others...eavesdropping. I observed people. I watched interactions. I started to hear something that I hadn't heard before. It was my inner voice starting to talk.

Today, when I look in the mirror, I don't see that same person who traveled alone five years ago. I have changed. Layers of my soul have peeled away. I have become a much better version of myself.  I have been upgraded, so to speak. I feel I have always been a confident person, but the past few years have made me even more so. It is still hard to enter some places all alone in my home town. Shopping alone is easy, but a simple thing like dining out is more of a challenge. Who wants to go out to eat all by herself? I certainly won't go for a drink alone either!

This person who is me now...I like her. I am independent and happier. I feel more secure in who I am, in what I'll accept, and in what I like. I speak my mind, and care less about other's opinions. Concerning me, I mean.  I still like to hear others opinions on life, and have deep conversations!

I am grateful for the growth I have experienced. 
I am ready for my next adventure. 
I think it's about time I start planning that next Grand Memory.  

~Lisa Kroll
     still spreading love, understanding, positivity 

Living Alone :: Being Independent as Being Lonely ::__________

There are so many stages I have gone through since my divorce.  I wish there was a handout, booklet, website, etc that had explicit instructions to follow.  I wish I could look into a crystal ball and see my future, or at a minimum, be able to know where I am on this non-linear path of healing. Is there an ending point?

It is so hard NOT looking at another, yes online stalking happens a little, and that leaves me not feeling worth very much. I am smart enough to know that social media is a place where others post to show off. I do keep that in mind. Still, it causes me to wonder what did I do wrong? Why wasn't I enough? What is wrong with me? All questions I hope any average, crazy person who shared nearly thirty years of her life with a cheating Narcissist might ask herself.

It is hard to see words of praise for an other's support, as if I never was a supporter. Note to self: Free up your hard drive! It's now okay to destroy those thousands of photos you took over the years. It is hard to see over the top gifts displayed, recalling I once received a picture of pocket waders as my gift.  Ordered too late to be on time, and so I could walk our dog without getting my feet wet.  Mostly, it's really hard to see my children displayed as items with the trophy.  I remain forever grateful that I have my children in my life, but I do not like to see them on display.  Surely divorce was easier when social media didn't exist.

However, this is not about the devil.  He has hurt me, but I have learned to let it go.  Divorce is a common thing in today's society, as is social media.  Surviving being with someone who has a personality disorder is not as common.  There isn't a T-shirt color I'll ever wear to symbolize my survivorship, nor are there runs or walks that will be done, but I am a survivor.  Each day that goes by, I look up at the heavens and say thank you out loud to the Universe for releasing me from so much hostility and negativity.

Reflecting on the five stages of grief that one goes through with a divorce: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, I feel I am somewhere near the end of my path.  It's been three years since my divorce was finalized, but longer since he emotionally checked out and then physically left.

Healing requires going through the emotional stages of grief.  In an attempt to speed the process, one couples these emotional stages with self-soothing strategies.  Dating sites are turned to and some less than perfect matches are tested out.  Some perfect matches too, but if one isn't fully healed, they cannot possibly open their heart and trust before they have fully grieved.  Other relationships MUST also be built.  Same sex, meaning the sex you aren't attracted to, friendships are important because one needs to have safe relationships that will not, involve sex.  When one is hurting, self-soothing with sex is a tool that unfortunately gets used.  To prove that one is still desirable, one can make someone else happy, and one still has it, sex becomes an unhealthy tool.  In the moment, the satisfying feelings seem justified.  After the fact, they only make one feel worse.  One wants to be desired not for sex, but for their brain, for how one compliments another, for their compassion, for their conversations, etc.  With longevity in mind, those other qualities are truly the most important.  Physically, we won't always be able to perform on cue...and I suspect our sexual appetite and stamina will betray us as we age.   At least so many commercials and ads seem to imply this will happen without help.   The sex you aren't attracted to relationships help build our trust, build our self esteems, and remind us we can be liked and loved for more than our bodies.  This is just SO important!!!!

I have spent the past few years working on and renewing my female friendships.  I am not attracted to females in the way I am to males.  Sorry, ladies!  I'm not the next Glennon or Elizabeth!  :)  I do believe that when some people get married, they buy into the societal unwritten rule that once you say "I do" that means you do everything as a couple...with your husband or wife.  I know in all my Catholic upbringing I believed it hook, line and sinker.  "The two shall become one", "...and a man leaves his family..." etc. In my being with someone who was so controlling, he was an equal opportunity abuser.  No one ever measured up.  Family, friends, no one was immune.  Behind closed doors I was told such negativity about others. Because I was the sounding board, I told myself others just didn't understand him like I did.  I told myself that I was special.

And I was special.  I could make him look good.  Until I started to know all his secrets, flaws and eventually outshine him.  Somewhere along the line I stopped putting him up on the artificial pedestal he is clinging to.  That was when I discovered, that even I was not immune to his brutality.  Thank you Universe for helping me be set free.  With my female friendships, I have learned to be validated in who I am, and to validate others in true and sincere ways.  I have learned how to be loved without needing to have sex to prove to someone else my worth.  Love takes so many forms, and I have so much to give. Having sex is just a tiny part of how I want to show my next greatest lover that they mean the world to me.  

When married, I know I had several years where I did need to put my children first, and I am happy I did so.  They were young, and they needed me.  As they aged though, I found myself missing something that went unnamed, and that I didn't even realize at the time I was missing.  Reflecting on the past few years, I'm not sure how I ever survived without my close, numerous female friendships.  My girlfriend groups have reminded me how to have a variety of conversations: deep and serious, light hearted and naughty.  They have reminded me how to go out with friends for dinner, and how to laugh with others and at myself.  I love our intimate conversations be they about our children, relationships, aging or something in the news.  I love hearing other opinions and thoughts, as well as sharing mine.  I suppose the take away from my marriage ending is I can tell my children, and anyone else who will listen to me say, don't lose your friends and friendships just because you get married!  Find ways to stay connected!  

The current challenge I have been working on is filling in that blank in the title. Learning to live alone and love oneself is another stage to truly healing. Living alone, I have been learning what I like, and dislike. I have become stronger in my confidences, my abilities, and in my strengths.  I try to solve challenges and problems on my own because I have become an even better problem solver. I don't need validation from some one else, because I prove to myself that I can, or that I know where to go, or who to ask for help.   There is comfort and strength in being independent. I suppose when I was married I unknowingly cowered a bit because I subconsciously knew marriages can end.  The old me certainly felt if my marriage ended I'd whither away into nothingness. How could I possibly survive?  I felt I was a vine, intertwined with my host and if uprooted, I wouldn't, couldn't last. In living life, I have discovered that vines, have so many more hidden roots and shoots.  They can't possibly die. In fact, they have so many that they come back even stronger than before.  Three short years ago, I thought becoming a healed me was impossible.  

I do still have fears, which I think are in our human nature. I am scared that this is as good as it gets. I'm scared I will be alone, and I will not get a chance at love again.  I don't know how I'll ever meet someone who wants a mature, curvy, independent lady as their soulmate.  My dental hygienist happens to be a woman and I've all ready said I'm not into women.  Sorry, Vicki!  lol  My opinion on dating sites is that the men my age there seem to be looking for young, needy things who will hook up and feed their egos.  I am not young nor am I needy.  I definitely am not shallow and will feed egos only if they warrant being fed.  I want to compliment someone and have them compliment me.  I don't need to be fixed.  I am perfect just as I am.  Being alone and being lonely are two very different feelings.  The loneliness I feel is from lacking intimate connection with another human.  I miss being held and kissed.  This was also a take away from my divorce.  It wasn't because I was married to someone who kissed and held me, far from it in fact. I learned this about myself from the self-soothing stage AFTER my divorce.  Self-soothing isn't a bad thing, as long as one realizes it doesn't help one move forward, it simply is a must for survival.  

Putting my faith into the Universe and still holding out for my complimentary partner, 

~Lisa Kroll
     Independent, Curvy, Smart, Animal Loving, Life Thinker, Survivor




     

Wrapping up the School Year...

“Charlotte,” said Wilbur. “We’re all going home today. The Fair is almost over. Won’t it be wonderful to be back home in the barn cellar again with the sheep and the geese? Aren’t you anxious to get home?”
For a moment Charlotte said nothing. Then she spoke in a voice so low Wilbur could hardly hear the words.
“I will not be going back to the barn,” she said. Wilbur leapt to his feet. “Not going back?” he cried. “Charlotte, what are you talking about?”

                                                     ~from Charlotte's Web, by E.B.White

*****

Until I became a teacher, I didn't understand what the end of a school year and summer break truly meant.


As a parent, the end of a school year means, time to find help with watching your kids, or finding ways to keep the kiddos occupied for eight to ten weeks.  Family vacations or other travel plans are typically carried out.  Summer reading program schedules are accessed, and put on the calendar.  Swim, or soccer lessons fill time, as well as league games, and hitting a swimming pool.  Playdates, and overnight stays become a daily thing.  The first few weeks of summer break are welcomed by all.

I recall falling into the summer routine with my own children.  Sleeping in and playing with Legos or crafting.  My kids LOVED being on break, and I loved having them home, until the boredom set in, which happened quicker than I always liked. Yikes, being a parent over summer has it's challenges!  As a parent of two, at times it seemed I could not get them to agree on ANYTHING.  Nor could I get them to do what I wanted them to do without yelling or getting angry. Where were the teachers now?!  How did they do it, day after day with my two - both who were good kids I might add???

The end of the school year is filled with emotions.  Yes, this group of students came to me in August, but my year started before they arrived.  Weeks before school starts, I have to get my room ready for the year.  Items that were packed away need to resurface and find their home again. There are curriculum manuals to read, papers to copy, homework folders to set up, thirty-six weeks of lessons to generally spread out, to just name a few things that fill a teacher's time. In fact, as soon as school ends in May, I will attend professional development seminars, so assuming teachers have the summer off is truly wishful thinking.  Most teachers go to classes to help further their knowledge over the summer.  We attend technology, reading, writing, social studies, math, science, and classroom management seminars.  THIS is how we fill our summers.  We become students during our two month break.  Some of us also teach summer camps, so we spend time preparing and teaching, as well.

By the time "Meet the Teacher" happens the day before school, most teachers have all ready been working for two weeks in their classroom.  It's true, teachers do love school.  We are so excited for the new year to start!  In first grade, there are brand new, sharp crayons that still have their paper wraps neatly around them.  There are long, pointy, number two pencils whose erasers have yet to be pulled out and whose ends haven't been chewed on.  There are chunky erasers waiting to be shredded by scissors.  There are perfect folders and composition notebooks that teachers neatly have written student's names upon.  Name plates with student numbers on them have been carefully taped onto the student desks.  All their edges are smoothly stuck down to the desk tops and ready to be picked at by all the little picker's fingers.

In August, students and teacher come together, and a new community is born.  Rules must be established and enforced.  How to line up, walk in a line, sit at ones desk, play on the playground equipment, use the bathroom, get to the library, the specials rooms, and cafeteria are taught over and over.  Where to sit in the cafeteria and what manners there look like are explicitly shown.  Expectations are set for all aspects of the day and strived towards.  Letter formation,  spelling, number sense and learning to read are the curriculum that start a first grade school year.

Fall break is not really a break for teachers.  Grades and comments are due on report cards just after break.  There is also other data that is collected on students skill abilities.  This information must be added to a grade level data chart.  Teachers spend their days teaching, and it's nigh impossible to sit down to input information.  So our break is filled with inputting data and getting ready for term two.

When October arrives, a teacher has parent/teacher conferences to host after the first report card has been sent home.  These conferences give us a chance to connect with parents after we've had a little time to find out our student's strengths and areas of concerns.  We are happy to share positives with parents and offer ways to help their child be the best student they can be.

By Thanksgiving, we know our class very well.  We know who needs extra TLC, who needs pushed, who needs watched so they aren't falling through the cracks and who has it all together.  When winter break arrives, we finally have a few days we can turn our brains off from school, but the holidays quickly fill the school void.

The winter months of the new year find the class running smoothly as a community.  Light bulbs seem to click on as students suddenly "get" what is being taught.  It's a rewarding time to be a teacher.  One's efforts can be seen paying off.

By the time spring break hits, the end of the year is now in sight.  Teachers panic a bit...can they get through everything they need to get through?  Students start acting more like siblings.  They pick on and tease one another.  They are much more comfortable and they speak their minds.  Class rules and expectations need to be revisited.  Students rat out each other's poor choices, ones made while away from the teacher, without blinking an eye.  Even best buddies do this to one another!  That is, unless they were making poor choices together...like using the bathroom as a parkour training room.  Then, students from other classes rat them out!  The first grade beast is both funny and fun to watch.

May arrives, and the finish line approaches.  One hundred and eighty school days completed draws near.  Charlotte's Web is the last read aloud.  Tears stream down teacher's cheeks and his or her voice may crack as these words are read...

"But as he was being shoved into the crate, he looked up at Charlotte and gave her a wink. She knew he was saying good-bye in the only way he could. And she knew her children were safe.

“Good-bye!” she whispered. Then she summoned all her strength and waved one of her front legs at him.

She never moved again. Next day, as the Ferris wheel was being taken apart and the race horses were being loaded into vans and the entertainers were packing up their belongings and driving away in their trailers, Charlotte died. The Fair Grounds were soon forlorn. The infield was littered with bottles and trash. Nobody, of the hundreds of people what had visited the Fair, knew that a grey spider had played the most important part of all. No one was with her when she died."

Tomorrow, I will say goodbye to my students.  They are ready to move on, even though I am not yet ready for a new groups of kiddos.  I will have the summer to let this group go in my brain.  My students have had a great year, and I am happy they have been in my life and classroom.  They will always be my kids.  That's how a teacher's heart works.

The day after tomorrow,  I will clean out files, take down things hanging on the walls, and clear off shelf tops.  I will be in my classroom, all alone. My heart will ache a little at the end of the day when I turn off the light and pull the door closed.

I will wake on Thursday and I will not head into school to see my students.  I will not start each day seeing and greeting my friends.  When I decided to teach, I hadn't expected the bond I form with other teachers to be as deep as it is.  I adore all the people at my school.  It truly is an extended family.  I will fall into my own summer routine.  I am looking forward to nuzzling my kitties randomly through the day, and hiking with Toby.

When August rolls around...

I'll be ready for my next class full of kiddos.  More importantly, I'll be ready to be back home, in my barn cellar, alongside all my friends.

~Lisa Kroll
 

Earth Moving... Can You Feel It?

Earth moving as I jet off to Chicago

"I feel the Earth, move, under my feet. I feel the sky tumblin' down." ~Carole King, April 1971

Sometimes, adventures come at exactly the right time.

After a long, and unusually emotional week of teaching, I had a weekend date with seven of my high school friends.  Some of these people I have known since the fifth grade.  After school, I drove an hour north and caught an evening flight to Chicago.  Technically, it takes less time to drive to Chi-Town from my house, than it does to fly.  Our group usually likes to do this trip when we can all have three days off, this weekend would not be a 3 day weekend for me.  I told my friends to enjoy the weekend. I didn't have the energy to drive north after working all day, chat until the wee hours of the night, then to head home in less than 48 hours where I would still need to spend several weekend hours in my classroom prepping for the week ahead.  So, I was pampered.  My friends have generous hearts...it might be an unspoken stipulation for being in our "club".  My flight arrangements were made for me so that I wouldn't miss out on the weekend fun.  The benefit of frequent flyer miles: a gift from my world traveling buddy.  

I arrived at O'Hare five minutes after the world traveler.  He had started his day in Lisbon, Spain, before stopping in Boston and then landing in Chicago. We took a taxi to the hotel, and after checking in, had fifteen minutes before we needed to head out to meet up with the others.  Having arrived earlier in the afternoon, they had all ready started the reunion fun!  As in our past trips, we traveled from different parts of the world; four states...cars, trains and planes connecting us.    

Dinner was at the Copper Fox, per our gastronome's suggestion and was fabulous!  As the late comers sat down, others were all ready imbibing.  The waitress asked what we wanted but needed to wait, as I was too busy tasting drinks around the table before I could decide.  In the end, a whiskey drink called ONE FLEW SOUTH landed at my place. A little tongue in cheek fun as I had flown north!  It was a mixture of diplomatic reserve extra anejo rum, lime juice, luxardo maraschino liqueur house demerara, barrel aged bitters, and tart cherry juice.  A great combination, and the best way to kick off the weekend with my buddies.  

Over the next hour and a half, there was laughing, stories and sharing of food.  After dinner, there was talk of chocolate dessert, but we wandered back towards the hotel to hang out in the suite between the girl's rooms.  

Upstairs we toasted one another again, and began to really relax and catch up in private.  Another of our classmates happened to be in town as well, up from Atlanta, celebrating his mother's 80th birthday with his family.  We chatted with this friend for a few hours, too.  It was funny to watch as he worked the conversations around the room, basically interviewing each of us. He also admitted to a little facebook stalking before hand. Aren't we all guilty of that?  I don't think I've seen this friend in person since we graduated high school.  Facebook has the power to make one feel they haven't missed a beat with friends.    

This get-together for our main group, was much over due.  A year has passed and each of us has grown a little more since then.  Grand babies have been born, a new business venture has started, education is being continued, a spouse was lost to illness and another is leaving due to divorce, parents continue to age, children continue to grow, and our souls continue to heal from those every day challenges we all face. We shared our successes and our hurts.  We talked about the love we have for others we grew up with and our wishes that they would feel comfortable to come and join us some time.  We all have secrets and pains.  Share them or not, we understand that growing up has been hard, but we also know that our early in life friends knew us when we were still dreamers.  Friendships that can weather life are the best friendships.  This group coming together is what true friendship looks like.  The seven of us seem to turn back into our 18-year-old selves when we are together, but we are realist and know we now have a wisdom about us.  We are people who can come together, and love one another, no matter what.  


The weekend plans this trip were simply to share time together.  We each have a role to fill, and our social director suggested we see Beautiful: The Carole King Musical at the Palace Theatre.  We are the generation who grew up influenced by the music Ms. King created. Our production was on Saturday at 2pm.  Perfect!   After our late night Friday, we gathered near 11 to walk to brunch and then the theatre.  Brunch was at the Hubbard Inn and featured Rustic Wheat Avocado Toast, Blackened Tiger Shrimp and Grits, Pork Belly Benedict, and Slow Roasted Corned Beef Hash all washed down with mimosas.  After brunch, we expected to encounter the Women's March due to our timing, but we must have walked on paths not being used by the march.  

The show was wonderful!  We couldn't help but comment at intermission, 'I didn't know she helped influence THAT song."  We were reminded that Carole King IS an amazing lady! I found myself wiggling my feet, but really wanting to be up and dancing, with the music. After the show, we walked back towards our hotel and shopped along the way.  We tried to decide what the evening plans should include.  Dancing?  Karaoke?  More talking?  Many suggestions were thrown into the ring for consideration.  Sitting in the hotel bar, we got serious about deciding the evenings plan. In the end, we decided we'd order pizza, buy a game, change into our pajamas, and stay in for the night!  

Dinner and a game

Pizza was ordered from Lou Malnati's.  Two brave souls donned PJ's.  Drinks were made for all. Our game of choice...Cards Against Humanity.  Everyone laughed until they cried at some point in the evening.  "New" words were discovered.  Interesting conversations were sparked..."how does THAT happen???" was asked. Explanations were given in code, which made us laugh harder.  Siri was asked, and responded "You don't need to ask that question!"  Truly, tears from laughter filled our eyes.  

Local Treats

We only went to bed that night because we were all exhausted and are a bit too old, and too smart, to sleep on couches when we had paid for feather topped beds.  

*****

Two in our group had to leave before Sunday brunch.  Our weekend together was coming to an end.  The few of us who were still together went to the LuxBar where amazing Bloody Mary's topped the menu. As we returned to the hotel, hugs and kisses were shared.  Ubers arrived and we parted ways.  Until next time, I will love my friends from a distance, and stay in continual touch.  We have a thread of messages that at times can instantly blow up to 95+ comments!  Blink and you'll have to spend half an hour catching up!  Thank you FaceBook for reconnecting this group a few years back when we were planning our high school class reunion.  This was our 36th year get-together.  

For others who are lucky enough to have friends like I do, I hope you realize too what a special connection and joy are friendships. We all have secrets, but when you can let down your guard and trust others, you can heal and grow in unthinkable ways.  

My take aways from the weekend were literally an Anchor bag...meaning a bag with Anchors on it.  We had a running joke about bags we'd be bringing...heavy because they felt like they held anchors.  One of our tribe made sure we all actually had these bags for our next trip. Another in our tribe gave us all necklaces with words that reminded her of each of us stamped onto a key.  Together we are Belief, Fearless, Inspire(ing), have Faith, Strength and Hope. That sums us up nicely.  I think her word might be Joy.  While she is certainly beautiful on the outside, her inside Joy simply radiates.  

In the end, we all know We've Gotta Friend....or two, or seven.  

*****

Additional thoughts: 

My weekend away happened a month ago, but more recently I have been questioning what makes a friendship weather the test of time, how long one needs to know someone before they can truly call them a friend, and at what point does one earn the title of friend?  

I don't believe we can have too many friends in this life, and I think friendship becomes undefinable when you are at your lowest point and these people whom you call friend step up and go above and beyond what you would have expected.  One of those times for me was when I was dealing with my mom's terminal illness, and my friends stepped up to nurture my soul.  Then, I had times when I thought my life might end because I was dealing with a divorce, and friends stepped up once again and loved me despite that, encouraging me to push on, telling me I was strong and brave and capable and beautiful and that everything was going to be all right.  And accomplishments...friends celebrate big and little accomplishments, too.  

I have watched friends lose those they love, and have known others who have traveled great distances just to hold a hand and be an ear.  I know others who right this minute are sitting by bedsides in hospice care, so death doesn't happen alone for their friends.  Truly these friendships are signs from above that we can and should care for one another, and that it's easy to do!

Friends are not just people who share the fun times in our lives.  Friends are there for the dark times too, and they stand with you, no matter what. 

Wouldn't the world be a nicer place if we could all be kind to one another like we are to our best of friends?    

~Lisa Kroll
     Friend, Member of the Class of '82, Hope, Love Warrior
   

Blogging Music:  Carole King - Tapestry (1971) 

additional pictures from Ferris Bueller's Weekend Off: 

Magnificent Mile from our Suite View

Fourth Presbyterian Church of Chicago from our Suite View

In the morning, Suite View looking out the other window...Lake Michigan

When someone has a selfie stick and says...smile!

...and smile!

...and smile!  

...and just after I said smile...they thought I was done! lol
Please know, they actually ASK me to get out the selfie stick!
No one wants to own one, but everyone is happy they know someone who does!  

Chicago River with a little ice

We all recall having a Social Studies book in high school
that stated you could see Lake Michigan
from every room in these towers.
We all wondered if that's really true.  

I love these lines against the blue sky! 

Sitting on a stone, only evidence from the Women's March that we saw. 

My Addition and Some Advice

in the woods near the Burrow

Adding Toby to my life has been a positive addition.  

I love having him to come home to, or being able to say, "Let's go for a ride!" and have him eagerly run to the door.  I enjoy his company as I do errands or travel, and we've all ready been on one over night adventure.  I love taking him out for walks at all times of the day, but I'll confess late night walks in the dark, where I can star gaze might be my favorite walking time.  We've been out many times all ready in below zero weather, and have pounced in 12+ inches of snow in lower Michigan.  We are learning to walk in the woods together. It seems like the leash is a new experience for Toby.**  We both need to have plenty of patience as we learn to read the other's signals.  I love having him to cuddle with on the couch at night while I do my school work, or play Words With Friends! He loves belly rubs, and I enjoy the distraction.  

You smell familiar, yet new. 

I love watching Toby touch noses with Berlioz, then witness as he allows Bear to rub against him.  It warms my heart.  Berlioz was raised with Winston, and I think he has missed his company.  Toulouse is competition for Berlioz, but Toby is not.  While I believe Berlioz enjoys playing with Toulouse, there is a gentleness I see in his interactions with Toby that has been missing.  

Berlioz and Toby 

Toulouse is still in that curious stage.  He likes Toby, but likes to fain annoyance, too.  He likes to lay in the middle of the carpeted walkway and then act grumpy as our gentle giant shakes his head, jingling his dog tags. As a cat, Toulouse is a show-off.  He likes to jump from the floor to the top of the kitchen counters, or from one counter to the other in front of or over Toby.  Toby just wants to be part of the action.  He likes that I give him a kitty treat when the I spoil the cats!  It is fun to watch such a big mouth eat such a little treat.  He's lives up to his reputation as a gentle giant.  

Toulouse cautiously watches Toby.

 Toby has seemed like one of the family since he stepped into the Burrow.  I am so happy for that.  I anticipate that as time goes on, all three boys will be running around the house together.  They currently all sleep on the bed with me, which has it's challenges.  Space is limited and the human is the "top dog".  But, I don't mind sharing my bed, and I gingerly get out when I wake in the middle of the night.  My heart overflows with love, and my fur babies are the benefactors of that overflow.  

Toby wonders how he can climb the cat tree to join the fun.  

It's a dog's life at the Burrow! 

      I am grateful for my life; all I have, and all I can give.  

I have spent this past year truly on my own. In doing so, I realize what I miss the most in life is physical, human touch.  I am a person who likes to be close to another.  I do reach out and make physical contact with those around me.  I invade personal space bubbles.  I give hugs.  It's a good thing I teacher first grade, because I am a first grader at heart!  I like to listen to others, but I also like to talk.  I have a lot of friends, and no real enemies. I am a happy soul.  

I love to watch others, but I am secretly jealous when I see hands being held or little acts of love being shown.  It's a good envy.  I imagine my parents were like that, and their love created me!  True confession though...I mostly miss having a hand to hold on to and being kissed.  I miss running my fingers though an other's hair, or caressing their face.  I miss a confidant to tell my secrets.  I miss having a partner who will just share the burden of living.  

Going through my divorce has reminded me that I am a strong woman.  Although I miss those physical, human touch things, I am really fine on my own.  I do talk to my animals, and let them snuggle on my bed, but so what.  I am me, and I am free to share love how I want.  No judgments now. I believe you get in life what you give.  I choose kindness.     

So, who am I to give advice?  
No one, 
and someone who has been hurt 
and who knows loss.

Life is too short. 

I have been saying this since my dad passed away in 1985, but I started living this when my mom died in 2006. 

I heard a comment recently, '... being together for so long...you get bored.'  WTHeck???  

Don't let this happen in your relationships!  Your relationship may end without you realizing it because you were bored.  No matter what relationship you are in...same sex partners, long/short term relationship or marriage.  I say to you, love one another.  It's likely you've been through a lot together.  Remember that!  Reminisce.  Remind each other of the good in your hearts.  Think about what drew you to that person.  Chances are, they have forgotten, too.  Trust me on this..the world is a lonely place and it's not easy starting over.  Touch your loved one!  Hold hands when you can.  If you are riding in the car, hold hands.  If you are walking in the grocery store, hold hands.  If you are heading back to your bedroom, hold hands!  Simply touch one another.  I'm not talking about sex, I'm talking about making physical connections. Reach out and push a hair out of some one's eyes, stroke their cheek, cup the back of their neck as you look into their eyes.  Listen as they talk.  Ask questions.  Be engaged with them.  If you do this in public know that if others see you, your love will be contagious.  Maybe you can spark a different kind of movement.  We all need to feel loved.     

The lack of human touch was not what ended my marriage. I was married to someone who has a personality disorder.  I still fear that I won't be able to allow someone close to my heart again because I am scared of being hurt.  I just know I really miss human touch.  

My life is happening the way it is supposed to for a reason.  It is not my place to question why, but I do know that right now, I have animals in my life because I love them. 

I know I can love another human again, too.    

I am working on spreading love, understanding and positivity. I hope you will, too.   



~Lisa Kroll
     love warrior, animal lover, happy soul
*******I do not know Toby's history.  

Here is what I do know, English Setters are bred to be hunting/gun dogs.  They have gentle mouths because they are bird dogs.  They flush out prey and then will retrieve their hunters trophies.  They are used as a tool, not kept as a pet.  They are not fixed, because it is believed that neutering or spaying diminishes the hunting ability.  When an English Setter reaches about five years of age, they are finished as a hunter.  

When owners turn animals in to a shelter, and most are kill shelters, the animal's fate is sealed to die.  On the other hand, when someone finds an animal that was dumped, and brings it into a shelter, that animal has at least a few weeks reprieve to be reconnected with it's owner. Or possibly, even be adopted by someone better!

Rescues, like Above and Beyond English Setter Rescue, whom I worked with to adopt Toby, step in to find homes for certain breeds.  

English Setters do make wonderful house pets.  It is likely that I will never be able to let Toby off his leash as we hike in the woods...his drive to hunt is very strong, but given space to run and someone to love, he will have a wonderful life.   

Be Kind...and New/Old Traditions

I am thankful, and grateful for my family.  This next week starts a time of the year with which in my recent past, I have struggled. 

As time goes on, I am feeling more excited about the holidays! Still, I am aware that there are triggers in my life.  Just 11 years ago on the 22nd, my mom passed away from Brain Cancer; it was also a day on which I was celebrating my 20th wedding anniversary. Daily I think of my mom with joy in my heart, but I was older when she passed, unlike my sister who was still a young adult.  My sister was just 26 years old, a few years married and had a one-year old when our mom died. My sister and I talk, and I know she misses our mom a lot.  I think about my sister's three children, and all they have missed by their grandma not being around.  I do find myself recalling family traditions from my growing up days and I try to share those with my nieces and nephew, as well as with my sister, and my own children.  Two years ago it was impossible for me to even think about the holidays.  I know that wasn't fair to my own two kids, but emotionally it was just too much for me to handle.  As my children grow into young adults, and as I am becoming more distant from my past history, I am finding that I am able to re-invent how WE celebrate the holidays.  We are creating our own new, family traditions.  We blend traditions from my youth with traditions from my children's life.  I am able to choose all those traditions which I have enjoyed.  Thanksgiving is now MY holiday.  I have claimed it back as a way to help me enjoy life.  My sister and her family will come to my house to help continue building our new traditions.  I will be in my element as I work in my kitchen to create our feast.  We will dine on those traditional recipes that were ours, along with those traditional recipes that my children grew up on.  We will play games and laugh.  We will play music and dance.  We will take pictures and veg-out.  We will go to my downtown and be witness to my community coming together to kick-off the Christmas season with the official Canopy  of Lights lighting.  We will get out my Christmas tree and decorate my house.  Just a few years ago I couldn't do this by myself.  The life lesson I've taken away here...don't do it alone.  Count on others in your life!  

Another life lesson, is that we need to be kind to others.  We need to be kind not just to those in our community in need, but to our friends, our family, and to ourselves.  Heaven knows the holidays are hard, period.  Commercialism has made society feel we all need to have the perfect illusion of time spent together: thank you, NOT, Hallmark.  But, the holidays are extra hard when one has gone through loss, and everyone knows someone who is dealing with, or has survived loss.  One may know loss as death of a loved one or beloved pet, rough spots in a relationship, or divorce. Some people may be dealing with impending loss of life, financial stability, or family members struggling with addiction. When my mom died, it was the day before Thanksgiving in 2006.  Thanksgiving and Christmas were surreal that year. Dealing with loss can manifest as depression. Stress compounds feelings, too. As the year is drawing to an end, there are deadlines to complete, mid-year graduations making some wonder what they should be doing next in their life, or stresses in the workplace.  Please reach out to your friends and neighbors.  Just send hello, or hey, how are you doing?  My personal experience has been to hunker down in my house and to wallow in my own sadness instead of reaching out to others.  There were times when it was hard to adult, especially when others seem to have it all together and be so happy.  Illusion is a powerful weapon. I am happier now, but I do still watch those around me and judge myself against the illusions I see.   

Be kind.  

Don't feel you have to do something just because it's always been done a certain way.  There is joy and power in re-inventing happiness.  

Happy Thanksgiving my friends!  

~Lisa Kroll
     love warrior, sister, friend, etc. 

Be You

Found on the curb at Barnes and Nobel

It was written on a stone.  Be You.

Self discovery.  

It is interesting to have a chance in life to do this.  I grew up thinking one needed to be married by a certain age, and was young by today's standards when I was wed at the age of 22.  Today's young adults take time to discover what makes up their being.  Most people my age have someone else they need to think about: a spouse, a significant other, children, parents.  I am free from those responsibilities.  My parents and grandparents are deceased.  I have children, but they are young adults and I can truly only offer my words of wisdom, should they even ask me for advice. I am living in a period of my life where I am allowed to discover, or re-discover, what it is that makes up me.  I get to just be my self, all alone, making discoveries. 

So what makes me, me?  

While volunteering to answer phones last month at the local National Public Radio station's fund drive, I took a character strengths inventory test along side the other volunteers.  The Producer of On-Air Fundraising was our volunteer contact for the night and she thought it would be interesting to see our top and bottom five strengths. She wanted to compare all of us and see if, because we all listen and volunteered, we had the same characteristics.  Here's a link to the test:  VIA Character Strength survey.  One hundred and twenty questions later, and our top 24 character strengths were gathered. 

After taking the questionnaire, I felt slightly less encouraged about myself.  It wasn't because of my top five strengths.  It was because at the very bottom of my list was LOVE.  That's right, my number 24 of 24.    

Love...defined as: valuing close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing and caring are reciprocated, being close to people.  

I know I have come far over the past few years, but apparently my subconscious, emotional state is still damaged. I wonder if I'll ever truly heal and that alarms me.  Am I capable of loving others?  What if I am unable?  I do feel I'm becoming more skeptical of relationships.  I look at others, and I think to myself, are they living a lie too?  Maybe all relationships are based on lies and I don't play that game.  What is really going on in their story? Then I remind myself that it's possible they have never experienced the depth of deception, or emotional abuse that made up my relationship.  I wonder, what does real love feel like? What is it like to share everything with someone and have them love you because of that?  It's funny, I feel there are souls in this world who could love me, but also wonder, if they really knew me, would they stay or would they go too?  Rational Me thinks, it doesn't matter, because they aren't with you.  I feel like I'm missing that little something that would make someone else want to stay by my side, no matter what. I am someone who doesn't have a soul mate in this universe. I guard my heart from anyone else who might want to get too close; even my friends.  I can't handle being hurt again.  For my armor to be pieced, it will take an arrow made of Graphene.  Again, Rational Me, knows that I will likely outlive my two cats, so one day I will feel heart ache again.  I am comforted in knowing that my cats won't leave or discard me. Just like my sister and my kids, they love me unconditionally.  Blood links and pets, I have discovered...come back to me.    

Toulouse and Berlioz

Recently, I have been feeling I need a dog back in my life.  I do miss W because he made me get out and I felt I was with someone even though he was a dog. We would do things...like just walk in the woods, or run errands.  I can do things by myself, but it's lonely at times, and my kitties can't go out with me. My recent very late hours at school have made me realize maybe I'm not quite ready for a dog.  I rationalize that if I have a dog, I will have to go home. I have been approved by  a rescue, and should the perfect-for-me-dog need a home...I am open to that addition in my life.  Until then, I am happy to have my two other boys.  I often find them both on my bed acting like I'm disturbing their secret slumber and grooming spot.  Good thing I don't mind cat hairs!  I think these two would love a doggie playmate to chase around the house.  I know that I can love, and I do have love to share.  I am blessed to have a house where animals can be nurtured.  I am an animal lover.  That is part of whom I am.  Another discovery of being me.

Going back to my character strengths, my top five are: Judgment, Social Intelligence, Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence, Fairness, and Honesty.

1. Judgment:  The ability to think things through and examine them from all sides.  Not jumping to conclusions, weighing all evidence fairly and being able to change ones mind in light of evidence.

     This was my number one.  I am compassionate. I do realize there is more to a person or situation than what may meet the eye.

2. Social Intelligence:  Being aware of the motives/feelings of others and oneself.  Knowing what to do to fit into different social situations, knowing what makes other people tick.

     I have spent my lifetime figuring out how to make everyone happy all at the same time, so I wasn't shocked to see this so high up on my list.  I have only recently been practicing mindfulness to learn to be aware of my own feelings, too.  

3. Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence:  Noticing and appreciating beauty, excellence and or skilled performance in various domains of life, from nature to art to mathematics to science to everyday experiences.

     Spot on.

4. Fairness:  Treating all people the same according to notions of fairness and justice not letting feelings bias decisions about others; giving everyone a fair chance.

     I am a people person, and a teacher.

5. Honesty: Speaking the truth but more broadly presenting oneself in a genuine way and acting in a sincere way, being without pretense; taking responsibility for one's feelings and actions.

     Trying to just be me.


I am not sure how the results ended for the group of volunteers.  Honestly, I was embarrassed that LOVE was my number 24.  I was so shocked that I couldn't think about anything else at that moment.  I was sure this group of people, was looking at me and thinking, well of course she isn't good at love.  She's divorced.  Reflecting today, I wonder what was their number 24?  Maybe they were just as upset with what landed in their last position on the character graph.  I also know that it didn't matter who I was with, the emotions I felt would have been the same...embarrassment, feeling my results said I can't love.  

With fresh eyes and and opened mind, here's what I'm taking away from that survey: 

I have good judgment, am socially intelligent, appreciate beauty and excellence, and I am fair and honest.  I also work well as a member of a team(work), and am kind to others.  I show prudence in the choices I make, and take time to express gratitude for what I have. I persevere until jobs are completed, and I enjoy the success of doing so. I am filled with hope and believe a good future will happen by working to achieve it. Humor and laughter cause joy and I like seeing all around me smile.  My love of learning is related to my high level of curiosity about how things work in life.  I am a leader, but might show my leadership skills in helping others be organized. I go all in when I do things and am filled with zest.  I do live life as if it's an adventure.  I am humble and my perspective allow me offer sound advice based on my experiences. My self-regulation opens my emotions to be in the moment. I use my creativity to be a problem solver. My spirituality is based on knowing the Universe is a kind place and we all have our spot in it.  

I suppose I am not surprised that Forgiveness and Bravery are just above Love on my list.  I am still working on forgiving myself for how things played out in my marriage.  I am also still working on being brave enough to speak my mind all the time.  My habit to take the fall and let others have their desires, is hard to break.  I do know that in order for me to love, I must trust. In order to trust, I need to forgive myself, and feel brave enough to speak my mind. I need to know that I will be loved because of my thoughts and what makes me - me, and not because I didn't rock the boat.  

The night I found that rock, I came inside Barnes and Nobel.  I had my tea and started blogging.  I had intended to look up what the protocol was for finding a painted rock and re-hiding it, but when I went back outside at the end of the night, the rock was gone.  Had it only meant to be an inspiration?  

I am left with this wonder, Can I care enough about myself, to cut myself some slack and just finally be me? 

I can.  
I just need more time.   

~Lisa Kroll
     student of life