...random thoughts, opinions and secrets on children... aging... cooking... crafts... nature...divorce...second chances...
and whatever else I deem curious...
~Copyright 2017. Hootie~

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Old Music...Person B's Perspective: How Divorce Effects the Entire Family

There are some tasks that we just never take time to complete.  
Tasks that we think, some day I'll get to that.  

Christmas Night, 2015
I had my house all to myself.  

Divorce changes the holidays.  
I am no longer part of my in-laws celebrations.  Ties have been cut.  I am told that I will always be part of the family, but quite honestly, that's not true.  I have been set free.  If I am allowed to celebrate, it is at a separate time.  
New traditions? 

My Christmas stocking no longer hangs on the fireplace at the house next door.  
No longer will I be asked to contribute to making food for the feast.  
Touches of me remain however.  Ornaments I made by hand are still put up on the tree.  Decorations I purchased sit around the room.  But physically, I am not there.  I sit next door.  Alone.  Contemplating my solitude.  
I am good.  And I AM mentally good.  

In a divorce the couple, whose marriage is ending, must process the changes.  Usually one of those two people (person A) is farther along in the process.  They are typically the person who files and hands the other person (person B) their dismal papers.  Consequently, person B may be at a disadvantage, they need to catch up with the emotions that spill out.  Maybe they were blindsided.  Maybe they assumed what was happening was just a normal part of a long time marriage, as children age and leave the nest. 

Regardless, the emotional playing field is not equal.   There are five stages of grief that, even in the death of a marriage, person B must go through.  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.  

Having experienced the great loss of holding my mom's hand as she took her last breath after her seven month battle with Glioblastoma Multiforme (GBM), stage four brain cancer, I am well aware of these stages.  These stages do not necessarily come and visit in a set order.  Nor do they visit just once and leave.  

I am hoping that I am nearing the stage of Acceptance.  My ex has certainly moved on.  I hear he's applied for a marriage license, just six months after our divorce, and he's buying a nice big house for his new "family".  I've also heard he has been telling others that he socked away money while we were married.  Hmm.  What a catch!  

The Anger Stage.  I have recently been visiting here again.  I'm not angry with what I am going through.  Quite the opposite.  In fact, I am grateful for the me that I have allowed to surface again.  I really like me.  I won't brag, but I have found there isn't anything I can't do when I put my mind to it.  I have also discovered the vast number of friends I have.  In the "olden days", I was told I called too many people my friend.  HAHAHAHA!!!!!  Never!  Oh, I still have moments when loneliness strikes.  Being alone is easy, being lonely, not so much.  No holding this girl down though.  I was reminded at Christmas with this Superwoman key chain gift.  

I am in the Anger stage for my children.  I feel my children are being discarded.  They no longer offer any thing person A can use, or benefit from.  They are adults.  No longer are they cute little children who turn to their parents for every little thing.  No longer do they laugh at all jokes.  No longer do they put their parents up on the pedestals that young children do.  They cannot be told 'go to bed', 'be home by...', 'No', 'because I said so", etc.  They are ready to move forward and be their own people, as they should.  They have opinions.  They question.  They have started to experience life.  

What I know... is that children, no matter how old, need to believe the best in their parents.  They want to be loved.  They want to know they can count on their parents/guardians/grandparents for unconditional love.

Divorce causes children to be forced to experience the stages of grief as well. I wish I could protect my children from this.  I have not been able to step aside in this process and ask them how they are doing.  I just haven't been able to be that strong.  I was broken myself.  Maybe now as I am feeling Acceptance upon me, I am able to see what my own two children have had to deal with.  I am so sorry for them.  Everything they believed about their childhood has been pulled out from under them. The foundation they once thought was so strong has been shattered.  All I can offer them is my love, my acceptance and my unconditional love.  

By the forward relationships they have with person A and person B, they get to continue to form their own opinions.  They get to discover truths on their own.  Life is made up of constant change.  How we handle that change defines us as individuals.  

Last night (Christmas night) I meant to blog.  Instead, I did one of those tasks I would someday get to...I listened to all the unnamed tracks on my iTunes list.  A simple little job, but one my precious time is never allowed to get to.  All tracks have been named!  My discovery?  I have a nice collection of Madonna's music.  

So tonight, I am one strong woman listening to another strong woman, knowing I helped create two strong children.  My children are the best parts of both of their parents.  Of course I'm positive they have 51% of their mom in them.  

~Lisa Scubelek-Kroll

blogging music tonight:  All Madonna...Vogue, Cherish, Crazy For You, Justify My Love, La Isla Bonita, Like a Prayer, Like a Virgin, Live to Tell, Material Girl, Open Your Heart, Papa Don't Preach, Express Yourself

Sunday, December 06, 2015

...Worth a Thousand POSITIVE Words???

My first attempt at a bathroom selfie,
at Assembly Hall tonight.
I was told duck lips were the 'in' thing.
In the world of online dating, 
there should be rules, 
for posting pictures on one's profile.  

THIS is NOT worth a thousand words.  --->

At least not positive ones.  

Do guys (and yes, I'm being one-sided) really post pictures like this you ask?  My answer is yes.  More often than you can imagine.  

Although I have considered being an online dating profile editor and helping others polish their writing, then help them choose the best pictures, my true passion remains teaching.  I will stick to my passion, and just offer my suggestions in the hope they get into the needed, proper hands.  Friends, don't let friends post a profile without help! The dating world is a harsh place to visit.  

My dating site picture posting suggestions for men (and women, if these picture types are on your profile).  

  • Profile pictures should flatter you!  
  • Smile...I'd like to assume you are a happy person.
  • Have a friend snap your picture with your phone.  Professional photos are discouraged...you seem like a diva if you go professional.  Remember, dating sites aren't LinkedIn.  
  • Do not post blurry pictures.  REPEAT:  DO NOT POST BLURRY PICTURES. Stop and get off the treadmill, I get that you work out. 
  • Check the lighting.  Outside pictures, taken during the daylight hours work the best. Dark photos are not mysterious.  I wonder what you are hiding.    
  • Put your clothes on and button your shirt. Beach pictures...I don't really want to see you in a speedo.  Especially that one of your backside as you are getting into the pool...wait, maybe I'm not who you are interested in finding. (Someone else might be into this photo, I get that.)  
  • Post current pictures.  Show me later what you looked like in high school.  I'm not really curious about what I missed out on.  Old photos make me feel that you still live in the past.  
  • Don't post pictures of your car/motorcycle. Clearly YOU care about your vehicle,  but I really don't, and I can tell it's going to rate higher in importance to you than I will.  Or else I'll think you are trying to impress me with your wealth, and then I'll just figure you are shallow.  
  • Get out of your car to take a selfie.  
  • Please post more than one picture of yourself, especially if your one picture is of you with friends of the same sex.  Which one are you???
  • Pictures with members of the opposite sex...please add a caption.  Who are those two women you are hugging???   

Bathroom selfies need their own entire paragraph.  

  • DO NOT EVER TAKE YOUR PICTURE IN A BATHROOM!!!  I don't care if it's in your bathroom.  Learn how to click the little icon to turn your camera around, extend your arm and click.  Public bathroom selfies make me laugh, and then wonder, what kind of a person is comfortable enough to take their picture in a public bathroom.  Do they walk in and say to themselves, "Darn, I look great! I need a picture for my profile." Snap!  

Now, my above selfie was set up because I had challenged a friend.  He and I were to send each other ridiculous bathroom selfies today.    

The rules were: 

  • take a picture in a public bathroom 
  • in front of the mirror
  • your phone needs to be in the picture
My friend had a great picture he sent me.  Granted he was dressed for a skit he was in for church, but he totally rocked the bathroom selfie contest today!  I was jealous, so I smack talked and told him I couldn't see the johns in his picture.  He suggested I do duck lips, he said a lot of girls think they look more sexy this way.  I reminded him I wasn't 25, but decided I'd try it.  I did not feel more sexy.  And I learned that it's really hard to take a selfie in a public bathroom!  Maybe I should try a less populated bathroom.  I can try the bathroom at my regular blogging spot next week.  I'm also thinking of starting a hash tag Instagram or Twitter thing.... #selfievanityproject...let the bathroom selfie posting begin.    

It could go vial, and that could be ridiculously fun to watch. I am up for having fun posting bathroom selfies.    

~Lisa Kroll

Tonight's music inspirations:  Straight No Chaser's Christmas music. All of their Christmas music, but particularly, Text Me Merry Christmas, featuring Kristen Bell.