...umm, hello...is this thing on?

Dear Universe, 

Clearly I don't know what it is that I want.  You pretty much gave me what I asked for and I couldn't embrace it.  Sorry, my bad.  Maybe I'm being too specific in my requests.  Please give me what every it is the I need, because I'm pretty sure you have a better idea than I do of what that might be.  I keep thinking I know what that is, but I've been told what I am requesting is very "vanilla", and not really me.  I have been told I am a younger soul than what my age says; that age is just a number.  I feel I need someone who has life experiences, but realistically can that person be someone younger than I am?  I've been told others are drawn towards me, but I just don't see it.  Help me to take down my blinders.   I've been told I need to have faith, give it time, and just trust in you.  Truly, I am trying.  

I am trying to be a brave, strong person, but I don't want the job of being an inspiration to others.  I don't recall asking for that position in my life.  That is just too much pressure and responsibility!  If I am supposed to be grateful, I am.  I really am.  I was sitting at my dining room table this past Sunday morning when I had a Zen like moment.  I realized I was at peace in my heart.  My body was so calm, and I felt I was in a state of true happiness.  Euphoria.  I felt it, as I breathed in and out.  I was sitting alone, and yet I was at peace and happy.  I went to fill my bird feeders, and as I walked into my carport, I realized I have so much to be for which to be grateful.  I own a wonderful house, and it is my refuge.  I had to pause and actually kiss The Burrow.  I am grateful for the shelter it offers me, and the joys I have from watching the nature that surrounds it.  I am trying to find balance in my life.  I am trying very hard to be a good person, make everyone happy, and be true to myself.  I don't want to ever hurt my children.  I feel they have been hurt enough all ready, and they still have so much more life ahead of them.  I am sure heartache and hurt will be in their lives too, as it is in all our lives, but I do not want to add to their hurt any more.  Maybe my focus needs to be on making myself happy, but that's hard for me to do, because I feel selfish when I think like that.  

Today is the 32nd anniversary of my own dad's death.  In my life, I have experienced loss, and hurt, and sadness, and joy, and jealousy, and anger,  pride, and happiness, and I do not know what other lessons I still have to learn.  I'm really wanting to move forward.  I'm really tired of being lonely.  I don't mind being alone, if that's what I am supposed to be, but please direct me towards my purpose in life.  Most of the time, it's very hard to see my purpose.  Where is it that I am supposed to put all the love I have in my heart? 

Just making sure you are still there, Universe.  

Hope to hear from you soon.

Your biggest admirer, 

Lisa Kroll
     warrior, star gazer, and dreamer

Feeling a little Stevie Wonder-ish....

I'm Trying to think back on what type of music my dad preferred...I'm drawing a blank.  

My brother, who rode to work with my dad during the last summer dad was alive, confirmed there was country music in dad's car, but it was mostly talk radio he listened to - Warren Frieberg and Paul Harvey.  I recall several songs that stuck out. In the Country genre...You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me Lucille, by Kenny Rogers.  Most of dad's favorites were NOT country hits...Freddie Fender's, Feliz Navidad.  Dad LOVED that song. Oh, Lord It's Hard to be Humble (When You are Perfect in Every Way), by Mac Davis.  For some odd reason he also really liked Pink Floyd's, Another Brick in the Wall.  Eclectic tastes?  Self discovery noted!  The apple doesn't fall far from the tree!  

What a crazy mix of music!  When we were really young, on Sunday after church, we'd go visit one of the grandparent households.  The music of choice on Sunday...Polkas.  I swear, Polkas!  There were Chicago radio stations that we could just barely receive on the car tuner.  Polish victory when The Beer Barrel Polka came on, or I Don't Want Her You Can Have Her (she's too fat for me), and In Heaven There is No Beer (that's why we drink it here). 

The song that makes me recall my dad the most?  Stevie Wonder's, I Just Called to Say I Love You.  When I hear that song, I am sure it's my dad's way of reaching down from the heavens and telling me his spirit is still in my heart.  

I wonder what song/s might trigger that reaction in my own children? 

*****

When I was in my early 20's, my dad died and my brother and I were old enough to be off to college.  Our baby sister was still at home, she was just five years old.  My brother and I lived together for almost two years during college.  We rented a house and had a third roomie; a friend from high school.  It was Three's Company in reverse.  During that time, mom wouldn't call as regularly as I thought she should.  She didn't check in and I was miffed.  Did she NOT care???  My brother and I talked about it.  We compared notes, "Have you heard from mom?" "When did you talk to mom last?" Sometimes we'd wait her out..."I'm NOT calling her!"  Our poor mom, when she did call, we'd give her the third degree topped with a little snotty attitude.  

Today, I finally get it.  I love my kiddos, but I have faith that I have raised them to be independent, capable souls.  Now, is the time for me to worry about me, and not worry about them.  I will always worry, but I'm not worried!  My oldest nephew is heading off to college in a few short months.  I'm sure my brother will go through the same separation that I did, the same separation our mother experienced.  It is how life is supposed to happen.  

When Katy Perry, or Ed Sheeran, or Vampire Weekend or fill in the blank, come on in a grocery store, elevator or the radio...I hope my kids will smile and say, "Our mom...her music choices...and laugh."  

I miss my parents.  I'm glad I have my siblings with whom I can share awesome memories.  

Tonight's blogging music:  Vampire Weekend, Ed, Katy, and my Disney playlist which includes: Baroque Hoedown (Electric Parade Theme Music from Disney World), Tapestry of Nations (Epcot's World Showcase fireworks music), The Lion Sleeps Tonight (Lion King), Let It Go, Reindeer(s) are Better than People (Frozen), Something That I Want (Tangled), Zero to Hero, I Can Go the Distance (Hercules), Two Worlds, You'll Be in My Heart (Tarzan)....and other wonderful, bouncy songs!!!  

~Lisa Kroll, age 52, 10 weeks and one day...
It's official...I've outlived my dad!  
Woo Hoo for small victories!  Time to really live now.

Reflections on Father's Day

My dad died in 1985.
Twenty-eight years ago...on June 20th.

                     My father was...

loving

funny

smart

kind

playful

a family man

religious

happy-go-luck

and handsome 

(I think he looked like Dean Martin!)

I still miss him.  

Mostly I miss his embrace.  

The NOT so Fatherless Father's Day

This is NOT my father.  

This is my FIL!  He's a pretty good fill-in, no pun intended.  

My own father passed away 24 years ago.  I met my in-laws a few months before that.  My FIL never had the opportunity to meet my dad.  I am sad for that.  They would have really liked one another.  I've never told my FIL that he's my dad fill-in, but I think he knows it!  Yesterday Dad, and I do call him Dad, and I went on a local garden walk.  I've got a few pictures to share from that, but since it's Father's Day, I wanted to just share this today.  This garden walk is an annual event and my MIL is very involved in it.  Almost always I get to go alone with my FIL on this.  :)  What a lucky gal I am!  

*****

As my gift to my FIL for Father's Day this year, I made him these two coffee cakes below.  I was trying to copy a recipe that his mom used to make.  It's called Kuchen (pronounced: Coo-Kin) and it's a German coffee cake.  The recipe I used made enough for two coffee cakes so I made one Cinnamon and one Peach.  I am sorry I was never able to taste my GMIL's kuchen.  The whole family raved about it when she turned 90 years old.  Once my hubby returns from his travels I will make this again and get his opinion on the kuchen recipe.  He'll be honest and help me fine tune the taste.

  My in-laws and I shared coffee and these treats yesterday morning.   

It's kind of sad not having one's own dad to celebrate this day with, especially if you were close.  But, it's nice to be able to share special times with other important dads too!  

Dads...

As I walked into my in-laws house for the first time I distinctly recall that familiar smell of a pipe having been smoked.

*

Deep, rich, smooth...the potpourri of tobacco residue; soaked into the cloth of the chairs, the fibers of the carpet and the slivers of wood in the panelling.

*

Upon occasion my own father would smoke a pipe. I recall it being on special occasions - but I don't remember what would qualify as special. Maybe the cost of pipe tobacco made it a luxury. When we cleaned out my mom's house I found my dad's old pipe stand and Humidor. On last Father's Day I bought some tobacco and my husband and his dad shared the moment above. My FIL hasn't smoked in 22 years. He says if he found out he had a terminal disease he take up the habit again.

*

Dads are so important. My dad was my first love. He died when I was 21. I think every young girl can recall her first love and mine being my dad was not unusual. My dad was my hero. He could do anything at anytime. He was a jack of all trades: the handyman, chef, gardener (mowing staff until my brother took over), the money source, bill payer, driver (not chauffeur though - mom mostly did that), emotional supporter, funny man, cheer leader, proud parent, dream encourager, etc.

*

My life came to a halt when he died. I felt like I lost so much in one fell swoop. I am a lucky person though. My dad could never be replaced, but a substitute was able to fill his shoes. For the past 23 years I have been able to still have that "dad relationship." My FIL and my dad never met. Had they, surely they would have been good buddies. Similar souls...on earth to be there for me. Even better for me was that my MIL is awesome too! Again, my mom could never be replaced, nor would I have ever wanted that, but my MIL was an additional bonus. How many others get to have two sets of parents to count on? Too few in my opinion.