Clearly I don't know what it is that I want. You pretty much gave me what I asked for and I couldn't embrace it. Sorry, my bad. Maybe I'm being too specific in my requests. Please give me what every it is the I need, because I'm pretty sure you have a better idea than I do of what that might be. I keep thinking I know what that is, but I've been told what I am requesting is very "vanilla", and not really me. I have been told I am a younger soul than what my age says; that age is just a number. I feel I need someone who has life experiences, but realistically can that person be someone younger than I am? I've been told others are drawn towards me, but I just don't see it. Help me to take down my blinders. I've been told I need to have faith, give it time, and just trust in you. Truly, I am trying.
I am trying to be a brave, strong person, but I don't want the job of being an inspiration to others. I don't recall asking for that position in my life. That is just too much pressure and responsibility! If I am supposed to be grateful, I am. I really am. I was sitting at my dining room table this past Sunday morning when I had a Zen like moment. I realized I was at peace in my heart. My body was so calm, and I felt I was in a state of true happiness. Euphoria. I felt it, as I breathed in and out. I was sitting alone, and yet I was at peace and happy. I went to fill my bird feeders, and as I walked into my carport, I realized I have so much to be for which to be grateful. I own a wonderful house, and it is my refuge. I had to pause and actually kiss The Burrow. I am grateful for the shelter it offers me, and the joys I have from watching the nature that surrounds it. I am trying to find balance in my life. I am trying very hard to be a good person, make everyone happy, and be true to myself. I don't want to ever hurt my children. I feel they have been hurt enough all ready, and they still have so much more life ahead of them. I am sure heartache and hurt will be in their lives too, as it is in all our lives, but I do not want to add to their hurt any more. Maybe my focus needs to be on making myself happy, but that's hard for me to do, because I feel selfish when I think like that.
Today is the 32nd anniversary of my own dad's death. In my life, I have experienced loss, and hurt, and sadness, and joy, and jealousy, and anger, pride, and happiness, and I do not know what other lessons I still have to learn. I'm really wanting to move forward. I'm really tired of being lonely. I don't mind being alone, if that's what I am supposed to be, but please direct me towards my purpose in life. Most of the time, it's very hard to see my purpose. Where is it that I am supposed to put all the love I have in my heart?
Just making sure you are still there, Universe.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Your biggest admirer,
warrior, star gazer, and dreamer