~ Henry Ward Beecher
In 2013, my second life began.
Thankfully, I was set free.
Today, Life is good. But I do wonder...
What does it have to do with anything?
Having just lived through Valentine's Day, I'll admit, Love has been on my mind a lot. I wonder, will I ever be able to love again? Not be loved, but love again myself. Can I open myself enough to love another. As I meet others, I wonder, how guarded am I staying? How honest and open can I, will I really be? I worry about hurting someone else. I do not know what it is I want or am looking for yet. What if I lead someone on? That's not fair to them.
I've been trying to break down exactly what love is. Is love a state of being? Is love something tangible? Is love something dependent on another? and if so, how did I fail at love? Or did I fail? Where does love reside in me? I think love may be a part of my very being. Can I separate who I am from the love that is inside of me? Is love a combination of physical and emotional feelings with another? Is the power of love just an illusion within our own mind? If it is, why can't I just chillax?
Dear Universe, I have allowed myself to be desired, and to desire. But I haven't allowed my heart to be opened. I do not feel safe. Is it the same old same old? In order to love, one must give love. Oh Universe, I give love daily; to my pets, to my students, to my friends. Maybe I'll never be able to fully open up my heart to any one person. Maybe a part of me will always remain guarded. So I can always say, 'see, i knew it!' and thus be validated when I am set free again. Dearest Universe, can you explain to me why am I so sure I will be set free again??? Isn't that a sad way to live? Always expecting the other shoe to fall. Why am I so gun shy? How do I get over this stage which is filled with apprehension? How do I move forward with this? Maybe it's just too soon. Maybe I haven't taken all I need to from the lessons you're trying to teach me. Guess I'm a work in progress.
I was talking with a friend and asked, do you think maybe we are only supposed to have certain relationships for so long? I find this funny because two short years ago I was a person who believed, when one finds love, no matter what, they persevere and work to preserve that love. You do what you need to in your relationships to make them be successful. I am not a quitter. Today I feel like I didn't quit, but maybe I am seeing things in life differently. Maybe we are meant to have many loves in our life. Maybe we are meant to learn from each. As we gather lessons, we become richer souls. If that is the case, then why has my heart hurt so much? Shall I blame Disney? ...fairy tales and unrealistic expectations. No, I can't do that. I am a romantic soul and love fairy tales, unrealistic expectations and happy endings. I've said before that I don't believe we change, but maybe I need to re-think my comments on that. I do believe that a leopard cannot change his spots, but his prey can adapt to the dangers he puts in their way.
From the lessons I have learned in life thus far I am taking that I will survive, no matter what. I am a person who lands on her feet. I just need to allow myself a little more time. I need to be patient with me. I need to allow myself to live in the moment. To Enjoy. To only do those things that add to me. I know that is a tad selfish, but I also know myself. I know that I am far from a selfish person. I love life and I need to know that it's okay to be scared. Putting my trust in someone is a really big deal. I'm sure I'll do it again, eventually.
ponderer on life,
learning how to pace myself,
and feeling happy
Online articles I perused while researching LOVE:
Why am I afraid to love again?
Five theories of what love is
Blogging music tonight: music from the group Vampire Weekend, 2010 Contra, 2013 Modern Vampires of the City, and 2008 Vampire Weekend. Special thanks to my music guru son for listening to Vampire Weekend at the house.