...umm, hello...is this thing on?

Dear Universe, 

Clearly I don't know what it is that I want.  You pretty much gave me what I asked for and I couldn't embrace it.  Sorry, my bad.  Maybe I'm being too specific in my requests.  Please give me what every it is the I need, because I'm pretty sure you have a better idea than I do of what that might be.  I keep thinking I know what that is, but I've been told what I am requesting is very "vanilla", and not really me.  I have been told I am a younger soul than what my age says; that age is just a number.  I feel I need someone who has life experiences, but realistically can that person be someone younger than I am?  I've been told others are drawn towards me, but I just don't see it.  Help me to take down my blinders.   I've been told I need to have faith, give it time, and just trust in you.  Truly, I am trying.  

I am trying to be a brave, strong person, but I don't want the job of being an inspiration to others.  I don't recall asking for that position in my life.  That is just too much pressure and responsibility!  If I am supposed to be grateful, I am.  I really am.  I was sitting at my dining room table this past Sunday morning when I had a Zen like moment.  I realized I was at peace in my heart.  My body was so calm, and I felt I was in a state of true happiness.  Euphoria.  I felt it, as I breathed in and out.  I was sitting alone, and yet I was at peace and happy.  I went to fill my bird feeders, and as I walked into my carport, I realized I have so much to be for which to be grateful.  I own a wonderful house, and it is my refuge.  I had to pause and actually kiss The Burrow.  I am grateful for the shelter it offers me, and the joys I have from watching the nature that surrounds it.  I am trying to find balance in my life.  I am trying very hard to be a good person, make everyone happy, and be true to myself.  I don't want to ever hurt my children.  I feel they have been hurt enough all ready, and they still have so much more life ahead of them.  I am sure heartache and hurt will be in their lives too, as it is in all our lives, but I do not want to add to their hurt any more.  Maybe my focus needs to be on making myself happy, but that's hard for me to do, because I feel selfish when I think like that.  

Today is the 32nd anniversary of my own dad's death.  In my life, I have experienced loss, and hurt, and sadness, and joy, and jealousy, and anger,  pride, and happiness, and I do not know what other lessons I still have to learn.  I'm really wanting to move forward.  I'm really tired of being lonely.  I don't mind being alone, if that's what I am supposed to be, but please direct me towards my purpose in life.  Most of the time, it's very hard to see my purpose.  Where is it that I am supposed to put all the love I have in my heart? 

Just making sure you are still there, Universe.  

Hope to hear from you soon.

Your biggest admirer, 

Lisa Kroll
     warrior, star gazer, and dreamer

Practicing Mindfulness

I've been missing my mom these days...and my dad, and Winston, too.  

As the weather is getting nicer, I find I am wanting to wander in the woods, but that makes me feel extremely untethered. I don't want another dog right now, but I miss my hiking buddy.  I am working on learning to be comfortable in my untethered feelings, to enjoy my alone time, and on being mindful.  My alone time is not necessarily a good thing.  Certain tasks allow more time to ponder life.  Alone... I clean my house, and I think.  Alone... I mow my yard, and I think.  Maybe the reason I enjoy music so much is because it distracts my brain.  I am a thinker, but thinking when one is so alone can be dangerous.  My brain is still asking old questions and trying to rationalize what happened: How did I got to this point in life?  Why did things happen as they did?  Maybe if I... Maybe if this... Am I destined to be alone forever?  What if this is as good as it gets?  What if this is all I get?  What if I had my chance?  What if no one wants me? What if I'm too much for someone else to handle?  I know I am smart, strong spirited, capable, a problem solver, and generally, I have a happy heart.  I know I am empathetic, and kind.  A part of what brings me joy is my need to give back.  

So, what's wrong with me???  

I realize that's not the right question to be asking.  NOTHING is wrong with me. I remind myself that I spent almost 30 years trying to make everything in life perfect.  When things didn't go the way they were supposed to, I took the blame.  Whether it was my fault or not. Emotionally, I'm in limbo. I KNOW what I should be doing, but I don't know how to get to the next point.  I am learning to be intentional in my thoughts; to be mindful.  This is my plan B. When I start to feel down, I allow myself to feel the heaviness in my heart for just a few minutes, and then I breathe a few deep breaths.  I consciously think, 'why am I thinking these thoughts right now? I can't change how things are, but I can change my thoughts.' I try to identify my trigger, then, I acknowledge, right this moment, something that brings me joy.  I think about those things for which I am grateful.  It doesn't have to be something big.  It could be simple things like the tea I'm sipping, or Toulouse or Berlioz, or the smell of lilacs, as the scent wafts inside my house through my opened windows.  It could be as simple as my flowered bed sheets  or something funny that happened at school.  This is a conscious effort that takes practice.  

I have disliked weekends for a long time now.  I have a to-do list for school and one for home.  Both are extensive, so it isn't hard to work myself to exhaustion.  However, I know that in order to heal, I need to make, and take, time for myself.  I am working on finding balance.  This past Friday night, I stayed after school until about 7, even though I know I will be going back on Sunday to finish planning out my week.  Was I avoiding going home to an empty house?  Yes.  As I pulled into my neighborhood I could feel the loneliness creeping into my mood.  I'll be honest.  There are times when I think, maybe I should just have a few drinks, numb the pain, block out the loneliness.  Except, that isn't me. I am responsible.  Damn it!  

One time, about a year ago...I grabbed the bottle of Marker's Mark from my cabinet when I got home. I sent a text to one of my friends and my sister, knowing full well that my sister was busy.  "Here's what I'm doing...," I said.  My friend responded almost immediately, he's been through a divorce. He understands my pain.  He has healed, and is in his second marriage.  "Three shots only," he told me. I had to promise to put the bottle away.  I kept my promise.  It helped in the moment, but it didn't really help.  Also, I know it is unfair of me to put my burdens on others.  It doesn't matter if my sister, or my friends tell me they don't mind, it is not right.  I am reminded that life is not fair, but life is beautiful.  In order to see the beauty, we need to be proactive and live in the moment. So, plan B.  

Friday night, I knew I was starting to feel the weight of my untethered-ness. I allowed myself to acknowledge my feelings. I even allowed a few tears. Crying is a good way to release.   Tears released, I asked myself, why am I feeling like this?  Answer:  It's the weekend, and it's a holiday.  I don't have enough time to travel to be with my siblings and get done what I need over this weekend, so I will be alone.  I am also on my self-imposed sabbatical from church, and I don't want to attend another church on Easter, especially by myself.  So, no family and no church.  Deep breaths, and center.  I focused my thoughts on what I was grateful about at that very moment.  I was grateful that I had a house to come home to.  I was grateful that I had a bed to lay on, and kittens who are happy to see me. My kitties nuzzled my nose. My mood was shifting.  Earlier in the day, one of my cousins on my dad's side, had asked a bunch of us if anyone had a certain family recipe.  I did, but I was at school when she asked.  Remembering this request, I got off my bed, and I found that recipe.

circa 1963

  
I shared it with my cousins.  "Look!," I said, "bonus recipe, Pigs Feet!"  (Bleh!!!!) Our parents certainly grew up in a very different time.  

I thought about having a drink, but I came up with a different game plan.  What if I baked the blues away???  I went to the store and I picked up the ingredients to make Easter Cheese, plus a few other things.  I came home and went to work in my kitchen.  I turned on some blues...jazz blues and started creating. 

My Easter Cheese draining.  

First, I made the Easter Cheese.  As kids, my brother and I called it Egg Cheese.  Looking at the ingredient list, Egg Cheese makes sense. 

Breakfast!

Over ripe bananas were on my counter...which lead to banana bread being baked.  I also whipped together some basil pesto.  I'll be making focaccia bread to go with the basil pesto and cheese tortellinis.  Fresh bread out of the oven cannot be topped!  

Another thing I know to be true about myself is that I am capable in the kitchen.  I love having a reason to cook and share my culinary talents with others.  

I wasn't planning on getting out Easter decorations, and then my sister unintentionally tore at my heart strings.  She started sending pictures of the decorations she had out. She was sharing decorations that our mom had made.  Crumbs.  Up to my attic I went.  I got out the bare minimum...only treasures crafted by our mother's hand...plus two critters she loved.  

Ceramic treasures created with love.  

I do miss my parents.  Having little treasures like these ceramic bunnies and eggs to pull out help remind me of the care my mom showed in all she did. I am very much like my mom.  Having the hand-written recipes above, remind me of previous generations.  As I read the Pigs Feet recipe, I recalled family members actually eating and enjoying these.  Uck!  It speaks volumes though about what they had or didn't have.  It also emphasized to me how resourceful our prior generations were.  Waste not, want not.

My dad would have celebrated his 84th birthday a few days ago, and my mom would have been 75 this year.  I feel their presence in my home, and in my heart.  

~Lisa Kroll

-----
After my morning edits, I must add these Sunday notes: 

Before I went to write last night, my daughter called.  My kids wanted to use my house to share a movie with their friends.  They wanted to show their movie outdoors!  My house is, and always will be, my children's home.  When I returned from writing, I found my carport had been transformed into a drive-in theatre. Food was grilled, beer bottles opened, the porch swing was moved from out back, and camp chairs were scattered about.  Time for the movie.  

Before I had gone to bed, my kids asked if we could share the late morning today.  My heart smiled. When I woke this morning, I found one child and her bf asleep on the porch swing (it folds down into a bed). I made my way back into my kitchen.  Soon, the smells of coffee and cinnamon scones drifted out into the carport.  Banana bread and Easter Cheese were available, too. My son soon joined us and we had the perfect Easter breakfast.  

Cinnamon Scones

Easter Cheese...with salt

Happy Easter to all.  

God is great, and he has risen indeed!  

I am consciously mindful of how blessed my life really is these days.  

For the love of siblings....

Siblings = longest family relationships

Thanksgiving 2016
With my Sister and Brother

This recent holiday, I shared my home with my siblings, and our children. There were 11 of us in and out of my house over Thanksgiving.  

*******

I spent 16 years growing up with just my brother in my life.  Our baby sister arrived as a surprise blessing long after my brother and I had ironed out our hierarchy.  She was, of course a band camp baby.  Have I told this story?  I was 15 and my brother 13 when our parents sat us down.  "Do you remember that baby you always prayed for, Lisa?"  Yes, of course I do.  "Well, next summer we are going to have a job for you." Really?  But I all ready have a job, at Hannon's.  "Next summer you will be babysitting too."  I was slow on processing what was being said.  My brother, on the other hand, made the connection faster than I.  "What? That's means you did it. Gross. When did it happen?" "We don't know exactly when it happened." "Ugh, that means you did it more than once?"  My brother and I decided it MUST have happened while we were at summer band camp, never mind that the timing didn't work out.  

Our sister missed out on puddle playing, sandlot war games, tree climbing, cousin navigating, family camping/vacations, l-o-n-g car rides, after school latch key-ness, summer babysitter training(we had to train them to deal with us), several months of farm living, new house construction, new schools, boy/girl friends being tortured, car radio dial controlling, calling shotgun, dish washing rituals, Friday night euchre games, weekend chores, becoming invisible when dad paid bills, Sunday dinner at grandma and grandpa's combined with the lack of Sunday night Walt Disney's Wonderful World of Color watching when grandpa was sleeping in front of the TV with 60 Minutes on instead of our favorite, and the birth of a sibling.  

A few years after her birth, our sister did experience our father's death with us, but she was 5 and we were 19 and 21.  We felt our roles shift from siblings to caretakers of our mom and little sister.  I know my brother felt a weight on his shoulders as the man of the family after dad died.  Our mother struggled with the loss of her love, and I know I felt responsible for helping life remain normal for my sister. I was set to stay home from college, I had three years completed.  I thought I should stay at home, go to the extension maybe, and help, as did my brother.  Our paternal grandfather wouldn't hear of it.  He said the best way we could honor our father would be to go back to campus and finish college.  Grandma and Grandpa said they would be there for mom and our sister.  And they were.  Still, there was so much my mom needed to go through and they couldn't help her emotionally.  Hindsight is 20/20, and my recent life experience has made me understand that mom needed time to grieve.  Which was exactly what she was doing. 

My brother and I spent many hours during the summer of our dad's death sitting by his grave and talking.  We were supposed to be at church...but we weren't.  We'd take turns running into church to pick up a bulletin as proof that we went, then we'd go buy donuts and sit with dad.  We reminisced about our past and pondered our future. Mom didn't question us when we returned from church.  Christmas was her favorite time of the year.  That first Christmas, both my brother and I were at IU and working retail.  We worked Christmas eve, then headed home to attend midnight mass with mom and our sister.  After church I discovered that mom was still mourning...what did I expect: her loss was just six months old.  Mom had bought Christmas gifts, but she couldn't bring herself to wrap them.  After church, I went to the basement and wrapped all the gifts.  The next morning was our first Christmas without dad.  Mom was so depressed, she struggled to get out of bed.  My brother and I pleaded with her to get up.  She had a five-year old and Santa HAD to come.  Somehow we made it through that Christmas, together.  After that, each Christmas was easier.  I was home for the two summers after dad died.  I watched my sister by day then worked nights so my mom could work days, and my sister didn't have to go to summer daycare.  

Being together as a family has always been easy.  In our early years, my brother and I had spent a significant amount of time pounding on one another, "He's touching me!" "She started it!" "He's in my airspace!" "She coughed on me, on purpose!!!" "He ate the bigger half of the...!" "She took the last...!" "He's looking at me!" "She laughed!" It was how we worked out our hierarchy and it was what bonded us together. I was good at punching my brother, then timing it where mom or dad would see him retaliating.  I think it was a gift I had.  We were experts at driving Mom and Dad a little bonkers.  But in times of crisis, I do know I can count on my brother for anything.  All the experiences we have shared, have made us a strong family unit...even as we have grown and now have our own families.  My sister and I have shared experiences too, but mostly they started as the ones surrounding the seven months of our mom's battle with cancer. We walked that walk together with our brother, but it was mostly my sister and I who took the reins of that beast.  Since then, my sister has helped me celebrate points in my life.  She traveled with me to Disney World where I turned the big 5-0, she helped celebrate my receiving my Masters, and she's been my rock through my divorce.  

My sister and her husband grew up as only children.  These past few days together, I watched their children be normal siblings.  They argued, they socked one another, they played together, they laughed, they negotiated, they snuck around, they mothered/fathered one another, and they shared, always having the others in mind.  My sister worried that her kids were being too loud, too rambunctious, talked too much, were too messy, etc.  They were being kids.  What I saw was family bonding in progress: love building.  They were away from their home base and yet they had one another.  I am a little sad for my sister and BIL that they didn't grown up with siblings close to their age or at all. They stress out when their kids are being normal kids.  It's a kids job to stress their parents out a little!

I wouldn't trade my life experience of having siblings for anything.  My sister, my brother and I were all lucky, and brave enough, to give our children siblings close to their own age.  I trust all our kids will know they have someone they can truly count on when times get tough.  Hopefully they can look at their parent and Aunt or Uncle as good examples of how one should love, respect and stand by their siblings as they age.

After our mom died, I felt even more responsible for the family.  I'm the patriarch now.  I hope I am doing things correctly.  If I don't hand down family traditions, how will our legacy go on? New traditions happen, but I don't want my parents to be forgotten.  What a huge weight of responsibility.  

~Lisa Kroll
          sister, mother, aunt (spelled ant at times), friend, and family member

Tonight's blogging music had me thinking of my mom mostly as she loved Christmas.    Straight No Chaser: all their Christmas music...but my favorite, Indiana Christmas.  

Feeling a little Stevie Wonder-ish....

I'm Trying to think back on what type of music my dad preferred...I'm drawing a blank.  

My brother, who rode to work with my dad during the last summer dad was alive, confirmed there was country music in dad's car, but it was mostly talk radio he listened to - Warren Frieberg and Paul Harvey.  I recall several songs that stuck out. In the Country genre...You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me Lucille, by Kenny Rogers.  Most of dad's favorites were NOT country hits...Freddie Fender's, Feliz Navidad.  Dad LOVED that song. Oh, Lord It's Hard to be Humble (When You are Perfect in Every Way), by Mac Davis.  For some odd reason he also really liked Pink Floyd's, Another Brick in the Wall.  Eclectic tastes?  Self discovery noted!  The apple doesn't fall far from the tree!  

What a crazy mix of music!  When we were really young, on Sunday after church, we'd go visit one of the grandparent households.  The music of choice on Sunday...Polkas.  I swear, Polkas!  There were Chicago radio stations that we could just barely receive on the car tuner.  Polish victory when The Beer Barrel Polka came on, or I Don't Want Her You Can Have Her (she's too fat for me), and In Heaven There is No Beer (that's why we drink it here). 

The song that makes me recall my dad the most?  Stevie Wonder's, I Just Called to Say I Love You.  When I hear that song, I am sure it's my dad's way of reaching down from the heavens and telling me his spirit is still in my heart.  

I wonder what song/s might trigger that reaction in my own children? 

*****

When I was in my early 20's, my dad died and my brother and I were old enough to be off to college.  Our baby sister was still at home, she was just five years old.  My brother and I lived together for almost two years during college.  We rented a house and had a third roomie; a friend from high school.  It was Three's Company in reverse.  During that time, mom wouldn't call as regularly as I thought she should.  She didn't check in and I was miffed.  Did she NOT care???  My brother and I talked about it.  We compared notes, "Have you heard from mom?" "When did you talk to mom last?" Sometimes we'd wait her out..."I'm NOT calling her!"  Our poor mom, when she did call, we'd give her the third degree topped with a little snotty attitude.  

Today, I finally get it.  I love my kiddos, but I have faith that I have raised them to be independent, capable souls.  Now, is the time for me to worry about me, and not worry about them.  I will always worry, but I'm not worried!  My oldest nephew is heading off to college in a few short months.  I'm sure my brother will go through the same separation that I did, the same separation our mother experienced.  It is how life is supposed to happen.  

When Katy Perry, or Ed Sheeran, or Vampire Weekend or fill in the blank, come on in a grocery store, elevator or the radio...I hope my kids will smile and say, "Our mom...her music choices...and laugh."  

I miss my parents.  I'm glad I have my siblings with whom I can share awesome memories.  

Tonight's blogging music:  Vampire Weekend, Ed, Katy, and my Disney playlist which includes: Baroque Hoedown (Electric Parade Theme Music from Disney World), Tapestry of Nations (Epcot's World Showcase fireworks music), The Lion Sleeps Tonight (Lion King), Let It Go, Reindeer(s) are Better than People (Frozen), Something That I Want (Tangled), Zero to Hero, I Can Go the Distance (Hercules), Two Worlds, You'll Be in My Heart (Tarzan)....and other wonderful, bouncy songs!!!  

~Lisa Kroll, age 52, 10 weeks and one day...
It's official...I've outlived my dad!  
Woo Hoo for small victories!  Time to really live now.

Old Music...Person B's Perspective: How Divorce Effects the Entire Family

There are some tasks that we just never take time to complete.  
Tasks that we think, some day I'll get to that.  

Christmas Night, 2015
I had my house all to myself.  

Divorce changes the holidays.  
I am no longer part of my in-laws celebrations.  Ties have been cut.  I am told that I will always be part of the family, but quite honestly, that's not true.  I have been set free.  If I am allowed to celebrate, it is at a separate time.  
Changes.  
New traditions? 
Possibly. 

My Christmas stocking no longer hangs on the fireplace at the house next door.  
No longer will I be asked to contribute to making food for the feast.  
Touches of me remain however.  Ornaments I made by hand are still put up on the tree.  Decorations I purchased sit around the room.  But physically, I am not there.  I sit next door.  Alone.  Contemplating my solitude.  
I am good.  And I AM mentally good.  

In a divorce the couple, whose marriage is ending, must process the changes.  Usually one of those two people (person A) is farther along in the process.  They are typically the person who files and hands the other person (person B) their dismal papers.  Consequently, person B may be at a disadvantage, they need to catch up with the emotions that spill out.  Maybe they were blindsided.  Maybe they assumed what was happening was just a normal part of a long time marriage, as children age and leave the nest. 

Regardless, the emotional playing field is not equal.   There are five stages of grief that, even in the death of a marriage, person B must go through.  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.  

Having experienced the great loss of holding my mom's hand as she took her last breath after her seven month battle with Glioblastoma Multiforme (GBM), stage four brain cancer, I am well aware of these stages.  These stages do not necessarily come and visit in a set order.  Nor do they visit just once and leave.  

I am hoping that I am nearing the stage of Acceptance.  My ex has certainly moved on.  I hear he's applied for a marriage license, just six months after our divorce, and he's buying a nice big house for his new "family".  I've also heard he has been telling others that he socked away money while we were married.  Hmm.  What a catch!  

The Anger Stage.  I have recently been visiting here again.  I'm not angry with what I am going through.  Quite the opposite.  In fact, I am grateful for the me that I have allowed to surface again.  I really like me.  I won't brag, but I have found there isn't anything I can't do when I put my mind to it.  I have also discovered the vast number of friends I have.  In the "olden days", I was told I called too many people my friend.  HAHAHAHA!!!!!  Never!  Oh, I still have moments when loneliness strikes.  Being alone is easy, being lonely, not so much.  No holding this girl down though.  I was reminded at Christmas with this Superwoman key chain gift.  

I am in the Anger stage for my children.  I feel my children are being discarded.  They no longer offer any thing person A can use, or benefit from.  They are adults.  No longer are they cute little children who turn to their parents for every little thing.  No longer do they laugh at all jokes.  No longer do they put their parents up on the pedestals that young children do.  They cannot be told 'go to bed', 'be home by...', 'No', 'because I said so", etc.  They are ready to move forward and be their own people, as they should.  They have opinions.  They question.  They have started to experience life.  

What I know... is that children, no matter how old, need to believe the best in their parents.  They want to be loved.  They want to know they can count on their parents/guardians/grandparents for unconditional love.

Divorce causes children to be forced to experience the stages of grief as well. I wish I could protect my children from this.  I have not been able to step aside in this process and ask them how they are doing.  I just haven't been able to be that strong.  I was broken myself.  Maybe now as I am feeling Acceptance upon me, I am able to see what my own two children have had to deal with.  I am so sorry for them.  Everything they believed about their childhood has been pulled out from under them. The foundation they once thought was so strong has been shattered.  All I can offer them is my love, my acceptance and my unconditional love.  

By the forward relationships they have with person A and person B, they get to continue to form their own opinions.  They get to discover truths on their own.  Life is made up of constant change.  How we handle that change defines us as individuals.  

Last night (Christmas night) I meant to blog.  Instead, I did one of those tasks I would someday get to...I listened to all the unnamed tracks on my iTunes list.  A simple little job, but one my precious time is never allowed to get to.  All tracks have been named!  My discovery?  I have a nice collection of Madonna's music.  

So tonight, I am one strong woman listening to another strong woman, knowing I helped create two strong children.  My children are the best parts of both of their parents.  Of course I'm positive they have 51% of their mom in them.  

~Lisa Scubelek-Kroll

blogging music tonight:  All Madonna...Vogue, Cherish, Crazy For You, Justify My Love, La Isla Bonita, Like a Prayer, Like a Virgin, Live to Tell, Material Girl, Open Your Heart, Papa Don't Preach, Express Yourself

Traveling with a Calvin Klein Model

Tomorrow I will head out on an adventure.  My grown son is traveling with me on a trip.  

Where does time go?  It seems that it was just the other day when he was a youngster.  He's twenty-three now.  We've traveled  many places together, but it's been a long time since our last mom/kids adventure.  I think the last big trip I had with my son was when he was 15 and we went to San Diego.  The three of us, my son, daughter and myself, explored one of my favorite cities.  I have been to San Diego many times.  I had always wanted to share it with my children.  One spring break, I had the opportunity.  I took them to the famous San Diego Zoo, Coronado, Point Loma, the Harbor, one of the missions, La Jolla, and we drove to Los Angeles so I could take them to Disneyland.  

My children have had the opportunity to visit both U.S. Disney amusement areas.  Spoiled?  Possibly... probably.  Maybe I'm the spoiled one, I have been the one to share these experiences with them.  How wonderful is that?  

One family trip, as we were heading to Florida on an airplane, an attendant came up to my son and said another passenger had a question for him.  Was he a Calvin Klein model?  As a mother, that is NOT something one expects her child to be asked!  He might have been 17 at the time.  Certainly he would have been perfect CK model material.  Lanky.  Longer haired.  Stylish.  It might have been his messenger bag that was slung over his shoulder in such a way that said, I am Carefree.  I am Youth.  I am the Future.  

I wonder what awaits us on this next trip?  He has grown so much.  He has lived on his own for the past four years.  Shopped, cooked, cleaned, graduated from college, and traveled with his friends.  I'd like to take a little credit for the man he is becoming, but I know he's been the one in driver's seat.  I helped set the foundation and he's done the rest.  I can count on him to help without my telling him what to do.  It's amazing how these little ones we bring into the world grow in the blink of an eye.  They make us realize that time moves forward.  They remind us of our blessings.  They remind us that life is short.  

I will cherish my travels this week.  The two of us will be visiting my daughter, his sister.  I've been trying not to blink...she's growing up as well.  Amazing how that happens!  lol   She'll be the one showing us around her world and surroundings.  I don't want the week to go by too quickly, but I can't wait to blog again next week!  I'm sure I'll be sharing a ton of pictures this week on my other social media avenues.  

Tomorrow, I'll have my Calvin Klein model by my side...as we head to visit my Princess!  

~Lisa Kroll 

Let It Go!....The Launching of a Princess*....

*technically that should read "Let it Go!...The Launching of a 'Friend' of the Princesses"

Tomorrow my baby turns 21.  Wow!  Years go past so/too fast.  Don't blink friends, your children will grow up before you know it.  

My daughter is a stunning to the eye beauty - note: biased mother. 
As her mother, I am very proud of her.  I am excited for her future, and I am excited for her next adventure which starts very early on Monday morning.  

In January of this year, she told me she wanted to go to an audition for a college internship.  She asked if I would take her.  Through the many years of ballet, I took her to all but one of her auditions.  I'd like to think I was a rock for her, but that sounds presumptuous.  I did learn to read what she would need.  Snacks, photos, names, numbers, etc, but mostly just someone to take out her stress on or share her joy.  What ever was needed, I'd handle it.  After all, I am her mom.  

Her audition this time was over in Columbus, OH...five hours away.  My baby had her heart set on this.  I was in.  On the eve of her audition she was getting nervous and started feeling under the weather, was tired, etc.  Stress can do interesting things.  My daughter and I have always been hard on one another.  I love her so much, and unconditionally.  IMHO, stress makes her hostile towards others.  I know she loves me.  She has always needed to be able to release her stress, and know that I will still be there for her.  I will always be there.  No.  Matter.  What.  She was thinking of NOT going to this audition.  I drew the line...I was heading to Columbus the next morning at 5 a.m. and she could sleep in the van.  She could suck it up for a few hours, IF she really was sick.  

On Sunday, March 8th, the two of us headed to Columbus, OH.  On the way there she told me it could be a six hour audition.  I was skeptical.  No way was this going to be a six hour audition!  None of her auditions have ever been that long!  This was different.  We arrived at a fairly decent sized, but not super large, dance studio.  She was number 149 out of nearly 250 college-aged students who had arrived for this audition.  

The audition WAS six hours long.  It was an elimination, elimination, elimination audition.  Participants would audition and then wait to see if they made the cut.  I had been sitting in the front of the dance studio just listening.  Each time numbers were called, I had my head down.  I did not want to see her face IF she was dismissed.  My baby made it through six hours of learning dance routines.   She and I did NOT hear her number called.  

With a Dinglehopper after the audition.  

Her talent, paired with her beauty, led to body measurements being made, head shots and full body photos being taken.  She was thanked for her time and then told they'd be in touch.  

On Monday morning, my daughter leaves to start her four month college internship at Disney World.  Officially she will be a character performer.  I believe she is to be dancing in the parades.  She also will get to be "friends" with the princesses...Disney code won't let me say more.  As a Disney junkie...I am so excited!!!!!  

Guess where I will be heading in October on my fall break?  

My sister tells me that in a few years I can go to work at Disney World too.  She says I can be the Fairy Godmother!  LOL!  I could do that, and you know I'd love it.  :) 

Until then...I need to let my baby go.  

~Lisa Kroll

Home...

Despite the change is happening in my life, what I have done for the past 22 years holds strong.  

This afternoon, unannounced, both of my children showed up at my place.  We usually do eat together on Sunday evenings, but I hadn’t spoken to either in several days.  In fact, I was thinking, I wonder how long we can go without chatting?  My son will graduate from college in May.  I expect him to fly the coop and live his own life. I do absolutely LOVE sharing time with my children, but I respect their growing up.  

What a treat to have them come see me!  

We ordered pizza, and as we ate my daughter asked my son where he will live next fall if he doesn’t have a set job.  She asked if he will live with me.   He responded, “Probably.”  A little part of me wanted to pipe up and say, ‘Don’t you think you both should ask me?’, but I decided to stay quiet and cherish the moment.  

It warms my heart to know that my children feel they are ALWAYS welcomed in my home.  

Wherever I am 

will be home 

for my children.  

Lost...Who Am I?

I am entering a time in my life where everything is changing.  I don't really like change, but in order to grow it must happen.  Times of change often find us asking questions.  The question that I am being challenged with right now, Who am I?

Along the path of life it seems I have forgotten this most fundamental element...who I am.

Growing up I believed more than anything what I was to be was a mother and a wife.  That is what I aspired to be; that was my dream.  Actually, my dream was to be the BEST mother and the PERFECT wife.

A simple dream.

I have been married for almost 27 years.  My oldest child just turned 21 and my baby just graduated from high school.  My husband and children have always been my world.

When I was first married I worked full-time, but when our oldest was born I became a full-time, stay-at-home mom.  For the first five years of my son's life, I cared for another little girl too in our household.  Along came my second child and that little girl's baby brother.  I loved being a mother!  Financially times were lean, but what my husband and I were giving our children was priceless.  During those formative years I was able to monitor television exposure, encourage curiosity, build motor skills, give praise and encouragement, know what my children were eating, who they were surrounded by and share my love.  I knew what my children were exposed to because I was the one controlling all that touched their little lives.  My husband and I laid the foundation for good life skills.  My staying at home was not a decision made solely by me.  It took both of us to agree to what it would cost in our lives. Looking back from where I am now...I don't see anything that I missed out on.  But, alas, that is only my view.

As my children are leaving the nest, I see the rewards of our efforts.  Our children are beautiful human beings.  They are kind, smart and self-assured.  They will do well in whatever path they choose.

T Minus 5 Days and Counting....

Almost time for an adventure to begin.

Out With The Old!

The first change I'll mention is that our household is changing.  The baby in the house is far from being a baby anymore and is heading to college this fall!  That means our nest will be empty.

In anticipation of having too much free time on my hands come August, I met with an advisor just after the new year and made a plan on getting back into school myself.  I spent the first quarter of the year studying and preparing to take tests.  After test taking, resume and personal statement writing, soliciting letters of reference, I am happy to report that I am officially a Graduate Student at Indiana University!

I will start classes this fall when my baby starts classes.  I am one of several cohorts in the Elementary Certification Masters Program.  I can't wait to meet my other classmates.  A huge part of me wishes this August was all ready here.  I am ready to start this next stage of my life.  I feel like I am being reborn!

second nest of hatching Bluebirds this season

Changes...

...life is filled with change.  

Are you ready to hear what is going on with me?  

Stay tuned!  

~Hootie

Off to Ballet Summer Camp

In the wee hours of yesterday morning...we drove to Chicago to put my baby on an airplane.  She's off to ballet camp for five weeks.  

I tried very hard NOT to cry, and definitely not in front of her.  I am happy for her that we can offer her this experience.  She is almost 18 and reminds me of that fact regularly. Still, she's my girl.  

*****

On the way back home we stopped to pick up the part of our vehicle that was ripped off by the raccoon we hit just after 4 a.m.  

Yuck!  and Oooo, Gross!  

Dinner with the REAL Batman!

 Last week was Easter and being a good daughter-in-law, I helped my MIL and played hostess to three of her six international students that she is hosting.  Missing from these pictures are my husband and his dad.  They were here, but Pops was having a very bad day and I didn't get any photos of those two.  My husband was attending to his dad while I was with "the kids".

I have mentioned it before, but my MIL has hosted students for at least the past 50 years through a group called Bloomington Worldwide Friendship.  The students attend Indiana University and do not live with my in-laws.  They are regular students, but without family here, they are invited to share holidays, etc with us...regular American folk!

My MIL with Julia, Chen and Terrance

 Hopefully these students aren't too warped by their interactions with our family.  My MIL makes them listen to her dinner prayer, eat our interesting combinations of food (Strawberry Jello Salad at this meal), and listen to her stories of old.

Me with all the "kids"...my own two on either side of me

 When my husband and I were first married, I was a bit intimidated by the students my in-laws hosted.  For one thing, they were more brave then me; heading to another country, very far away from home, to study. Secondly, they always seem more worldly then me and they speak at least two languages.

But, over the years as I have aged and become a mother, I realize how nice it is to be able to provide a tiny little feeling of home...albeit someone else's home, but a home none the less...to a "child" who is away from their own safe environment.

Most of the time for me now, I like to hear the student's stories.  What brought them our way? What are their interest?  How are they similar or different to my own children?  What's their family like?  How do they like our town?  When else have they traveled in the US?  My curiosity runs deep!

At dinner last Sunday, Chen, and I believe this is his last name but he was kind enough to go by it for my MIL since I bet she had trouble saying his real first name, mentioned having to get rabies shots!  The light bulb went off in my head, THIS is the student my MIL mentioned was bitten by a bat!

Here's the article from our paper:  HeraldTimesOnline.com

IU student bitten by rabid bat in dorm room

By Dann Denny331-4350 | ddenny@heraldt.com
March 26, 2012

An Indiana University student was bitten in his sleep early last Wednesday morning by a rabid bat that apparently flew into his Teter Quad room, possibly through a torn window screen.
Indiana University spokesman Mark Land said the student, who was bitten on the hand, shook the bat off in the hallway and went back to sleep. The bat was later found alive in the hallway by a residential hall employee who called an IU environmental health services pest control worker, who collected the bat and sent it to the Indiana State Department of Health for testing. The bat, which died en route to the lab, was found to be infected with rabies.
“No one can recall the last time someone on campus has been bitten by a bat,” Land said. “There are certainly no shortage of bats around campus, but there were only three reports last year from people who found a bat in their room or in the Union. We can’t remember anyone being bitten prior to this incident.”
Land said the University is trying to determine precisely how the bat got into the student’s room, and checking areas around the dorm to make sure there are no bat infestations there.
The bitten student, along with his roommate and the pest control worker who transported the bat, are all undergoing a regimen of rabies shots — one dose of rabies immune globulin plus four doses of rabies vaccine over a 14-day period. The vaccine shots are given in the arm and are relatively painless, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention web site.
“The student is doing fine as far as we know,” Land said.
Ken Severson, spokesman for the Indiana State Department of Health, said three bats have tested positive for rabies so far in 2012, all last week. Two of the bats were from Allen County and one was from Monroe County.
He said all bat bites must be reported to local health departments, adding that 33 bats tested positive in Indiana in 2011.

*****There was some more statistical and what to do information shares, but I am leaving that off here. *****

Chen told us the story in his own words.  He had been sleeping and felt something large fall on him.  In his sleepy state, he brushed off whatever it was and that is when he was bitten.  He told us about his getting up and leaving the room.  Then he realized his cell phone was still in the room...as was his sleeping roommate!  The roommate slept on, even as Chen called for him again and again to wake up!  At some point the bat did end up in the hallway.  Big, burly male students were seen hiding in the bathroom trying to stay away from the bat, who was eventually caught.

I couldn't resist teasing Chen and asking him if he finds he has a craving for blood now.  :)  He laughed and then told how he was heading to class later on and walked up behind two students who were talking about the incident (obviously not knowing he was the Batman) and said they wondered if he could see his reflection in the mirror!  Chen said he's heard a lot of Twilight/Vampire jokes.  Of course I asked if I could have my picture with him...and I told him I'd be posting it on FB!

Chen happens to live in the same dorm as my own son, but a different wing.  Yikes!

Hootie with our local infamous, Batman!  

I think the day that I will be hosting my own students is drawing nearer.  But for now, I'll continue to piggy-back as hostess for my MIL.

To make me smile...

Last week, my kids surprised me and cut out paper snowflakes and decorated the house. Being as they are older teens, I was totally touched by their thoughtfulness.

My daughter was mostly the snowflake maker while my son made homemade eggnog. It was a nice Christmas surprise since I had been in a sad mood earlier in the day.

Kids... :)

P.S. this posting is an experiment, since I am trying to be a little mobile and post.

Before Irene...

This summer we did vacation on NC's coast after our stop in her beautiful mountains.  I always love these "going out FOR business" places!  

I couldn't resist snapping this photo!  

*******

 The next three photos are from the top of the five story tall, Odell Williamson Bridge.  This bridge is the only way onto the island of Ocean Isle, NC.  I hope the residents and vacationers in the area sought safe haven in the wake of Irene.

Nearing the peak of the bridge and looking east...this island actually sits east/west.
The Inter-coastal Waterway is pictured here.  

Just cresting the top...can you smell the ocean?
We always have the windows down in the van by now.  Riding with us you'd hear our deep breaths and then each of us claiming to be the first to inhale the healing properties the ocean is offering.  

If you are a believer, sure God lives here!  :)

My girl child...feeling at home.  

More beach vacation sharing...soon.

Beauty in the Woods

One of the neat parts of walking in the woods so much is that I am able to observe my surroundings better than someone new to the area.  On Wednesday, I spotted this little one  behind our house early in the day.  The next time out with Winston, it was still hanging around the same area!  I crossed my fingers, then went to pick my daughter up from school.  When we returned home, I cautiously said I knew where a fawn was resting...did she want to go see if it was still there?  She did, and here's what we saw!

The little one had shifted positions, but was still lounging.  

My teen REALLY wanted to touch this little one...can you blame her?  I knew she'd never get close enough because this was the same little one Winston and I had walked past the day before and it was pretty quick once it got up off the ground.   Still, she had to try!

Twelve years down...two to go

Although my son went through his high school graduation ceremony on Saturday, snow days kept all our students in school a little longer.  Tomorrow is our official last day of school.  

At least 6 years ago, I watched the documentary called Super Size Me.  Morgan Spurlock vows to eat fast food, from McDonald's, for 30 days and if asked, "Do you want that Super Sized?" had decided he would have to say yes.

I vividly recall watching the documentary with my children and telling them I would always make their lunches for them as long as they wanted while they were in school and I wouldn't complain.  Tomorrow finishes 12 years for my son.  I have 2 years to go for my daughter.   Still no complaints on either end of the deal.

In elementary school here, lunch time also means recess time.  My kids liked that I made their lunches because they could quickly eat and then head outside to play...no line to wait in for them.  I did put twenty dollars into their family school lunch account...just in case they ever wanted to change things up.  Bread sticks and milk have been purchased periodically, but our account still has about $15.00 in it.

Today I am celebrating all parents that are in this lunch making club with me!

Woo Hoo!!!

Brad Pitt Tutorial?

Not quite. Sorry, Lauranie!

***

This is really my Halloween-with-the-Teens Wrap-up.

Being almost too old to trick-or-treat, my kids hosted a dress-up Halloween party for their friends on the Friday before hand. We had 23 kids at our house in costume. The party included food, a bonfire and a Best Costume Award. I thought I'd show off what my own two decided upon for the party.

My son ended up transforming into one of Brad Pitt's characters, Tyler Durden from the movie Fight Club. The imaginary character of Tyler is pictured above and my son is pictured below...just to clarify!

My son found this AWESOME leather car coat on eBay for $15.50. I think it was from the 70's and it was in great shape. It cost way less than what I would have spent on the materials. We were having trouble finding just the right look for a shirt that "Tyler" would wear and I did end up making his shirt. The only other thing I had to help with was cutting my son's hair. He made fake blood (from his "fights") out of corn syrup, cocoa and red food coloring. I think we spent a grand total of about $40.00 on this costume, and the coat has all ready been worn non-stop since the 31st.

Fight Club trivia: Brad Pitt found the leather coat he wore for the role of Tyler at a used clothing store!

*****

Being a girl...my daughter changed her mind from

Jeannie, of I Dream of Jeannie,

to The Bride...a.k.a Beatrix Kiddo (Uma Thurman)

in her yellow jumpsuit from Kill Bill,

to Miss America.

While looking for a leather coat, we found a fantastic used clothing store in our town called Material Plane. My daughter's costume was an 80's style pink dress. I made a sash and dusted off one of my old tiara's to round out the costume.

This was probably the easiest year to date of my

costume making chores for Halloween!