What brings me joy...

birds singing

finding morels 

spring peepers croaking

deer romping through the woods

blossoms and leaves budding on trees

the color of spring wildflowers 

against the gray-brown ground

white clouds

blue skies

cats and dogs

wild grape vines

 the moon and the stars

turtles, snakes and owls

dark chocolate with a sprinkle of salt

red wine: a Malbec or Shiraz

meaningful conversations

holding hands

smiles

witnessing love

vistas at National Parks 

the sunrise each morning

sunsets at the ocean

romantic comedies 

captivating novels

playing games

walks on the beach

hiking in the woods

butterflies and fireflies

 tall green grass with dandelions

fresh air and windows open as I sleep

sea shells and snowflakes

salt lamps and diffusers

music and art

                                                               ~Lisa Kroll      

               

Old Music...Person B's Perspective: How Divorce Effects the Entire Family

There are some tasks that we just never take time to complete.  
Tasks that we think, some day I'll get to that.  

Christmas Night, 2015
I had my house all to myself.  

Divorce changes the holidays.  
I am no longer part of my in-laws celebrations.  Ties have been cut.  I am told that I will always be part of the family, but quite honestly, that's not true.  I have been set free.  If I am allowed to celebrate, it is at a separate time.  
Changes.  
New traditions? 
Possibly. 

My Christmas stocking no longer hangs on the fireplace at the house next door.  
No longer will I be asked to contribute to making food for the feast.  
Touches of me remain however.  Ornaments I made by hand are still put up on the tree.  Decorations I purchased sit around the room.  But physically, I am not there.  I sit next door.  Alone.  Contemplating my solitude.  
I am good.  And I AM mentally good.  

In a divorce the couple, whose marriage is ending, must process the changes.  Usually one of those two people (person A) is farther along in the process.  They are typically the person who files and hands the other person (person B) their dismal papers.  Consequently, person B may be at a disadvantage, they need to catch up with the emotions that spill out.  Maybe they were blindsided.  Maybe they assumed what was happening was just a normal part of a long time marriage, as children age and leave the nest. 

Regardless, the emotional playing field is not equal.   There are five stages of grief that, even in the death of a marriage, person B must go through.  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.  

Having experienced the great loss of holding my mom's hand as she took her last breath after her seven month battle with Glioblastoma Multiforme (GBM), stage four brain cancer, I am well aware of these stages.  These stages do not necessarily come and visit in a set order.  Nor do they visit just once and leave.  

I am hoping that I am nearing the stage of Acceptance.  My ex has certainly moved on.  I hear he's applied for a marriage license, just six months after our divorce, and he's buying a nice big house for his new "family".  I've also heard he has been telling others that he socked away money while we were married.  Hmm.  What a catch!  

The Anger Stage.  I have recently been visiting here again.  I'm not angry with what I am going through.  Quite the opposite.  In fact, I am grateful for the me that I have allowed to surface again.  I really like me.  I won't brag, but I have found there isn't anything I can't do when I put my mind to it.  I have also discovered the vast number of friends I have.  In the "olden days", I was told I called too many people my friend.  HAHAHAHA!!!!!  Never!  Oh, I still have moments when loneliness strikes.  Being alone is easy, being lonely, not so much.  No holding this girl down though.  I was reminded at Christmas with this Superwoman key chain gift.  

I am in the Anger stage for my children.  I feel my children are being discarded.  They no longer offer any thing person A can use, or benefit from.  They are adults.  No longer are they cute little children who turn to their parents for every little thing.  No longer do they laugh at all jokes.  No longer do they put their parents up on the pedestals that young children do.  They cannot be told 'go to bed', 'be home by...', 'No', 'because I said so", etc.  They are ready to move forward and be their own people, as they should.  They have opinions.  They question.  They have started to experience life.  

What I know... is that children, no matter how old, need to believe the best in their parents.  They want to be loved.  They want to know they can count on their parents/guardians/grandparents for unconditional love.

Divorce causes children to be forced to experience the stages of grief as well. I wish I could protect my children from this.  I have not been able to step aside in this process and ask them how they are doing.  I just haven't been able to be that strong.  I was broken myself.  Maybe now as I am feeling Acceptance upon me, I am able to see what my own two children have had to deal with.  I am so sorry for them.  Everything they believed about their childhood has been pulled out from under them. The foundation they once thought was so strong has been shattered.  All I can offer them is my love, my acceptance and my unconditional love.  

By the forward relationships they have with person A and person B, they get to continue to form their own opinions.  They get to discover truths on their own.  Life is made up of constant change.  How we handle that change defines us as individuals.  

Last night (Christmas night) I meant to blog.  Instead, I did one of those tasks I would someday get to...I listened to all the unnamed tracks on my iTunes list.  A simple little job, but one my precious time is never allowed to get to.  All tracks have been named!  My discovery?  I have a nice collection of Madonna's music.  

So tonight, I am one strong woman listening to another strong woman, knowing I helped create two strong children.  My children are the best parts of both of their parents.  Of course I'm positive they have 51% of their mom in them.  

~Lisa Scubelek-Kroll

blogging music tonight:  All Madonna...Vogue, Cherish, Crazy For You, Justify My Love, La Isla Bonita, Like a Prayer, Like a Virgin, Live to Tell, Material Girl, Open Your Heart, Papa Don't Preach, Express Yourself

Potholes

Tonight, as I was texting with my sister, we were discussing potholes.  

***A pothole is a type of failure in an asphalt pavement,^[1] caused by the presence of water in the underlying soil structure and the presence of traffic passing over the affected area. Introduction of water to the underlying soil structure first weakens the supporting soil. Traffic then fatigues and breaks the poorly supported asphalt surface in the affected area. Continued traffic action ejects both asphalt and the underlying soil material to create a hole in the pavement. (Wikipedia, Potholes)

My sister and I were actually talking about driving into a pothole unexpectedly.  Some potholes cannot be avoided, nor can one avoid all potholes.  When we hit a pothole, we learn what to do to survive.  We take inventory of damage done, and then move forward.  

I've hit a few potholes in my life.  This morning I hit another.  My iCalendar is wonderful, except it reminded me of an event I really did not need reminding about. Hitting the pothole this morning made me stumble back into a place where I second guess myself.  I was all ready feeling a little cautious.  Feeling like I had been starting to exposing my inner self too much...sure my flaws are going to be seen.  Then I hit the pothole.  It shook my soul.  Made me feel like it was a cosmic reminder that I am not perfect.  It reminded me that someone once saw my flaws.  

Tonight however, I am growing through this pothole.  I am taking that cosmic reminder as a message that although I am not perfect, I am me, and that I am just fine as I am.  I am strong and I am capable.  I am consciously reminding myself that there are certain disorders where people project their own flaws onto others.  Empathetic souls, are willing to accept those flaws as their own. They take responsibility and try to make things right, or better.  I know today, I am only responsible for myself.  

As for my feelings of exposing my inner self too much...we cannot live life without risks.  Risks can lead to rewards.  Risks can make our life richer.  No apologies for who I am.  

~Lisa Kroll

T Minus 5 Days and Counting....

Almost time for an adventure to begin.

The Gnomes in my Home

This gnome in the middle is Pawley.  He's named for Pawley's Island, SC and was created by Tom Clark.  I think I have 29 of Mr. Clark's creations adorning my shelves.  I have collected them for years, but really love TC gnomes with shells as their theme.  A few in my collection came from my Grams.  Long before she passed away she decided she was going to die and needed to clean house.  She really never made a dent in her "stuff" but that is probably common for most people!  

Pawley came from my husband's aunt's house.  She passed away last December, just after we saw her at Thanksgiving.  I have wonderful memories of her, especially when I see Pawley.  She was a beach lover too and we spent many vacations together...several shopping at Pawley's Island!  

Last weekend I tried to go through some boxes of my own "stuff."  How does one part with old photos of family?  Love letters of their parents? And trinkets that are powerful reminders of lost ones?  For me...I put the lids back on the boxes, enjoyed the reminiscing, and decided that another time I'll maybe part with my "stuff"...maybe.  :)

Not My Favorite Color, But...

Go Red!(click here)

For Women's Health

A very smart cause.  

The Beckoning of Lovely

Several weeks ago I was tagged by a friend.  I was curious about those other souls she tagged.  

While checking out Anna's site I found she posted this most beautiful video, and she'd found it on the web.  It put a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.  It's really that cool!  Watch it, and you just might agree that if more people in the world could come together and play or create we'd all find inner peace.  Thanks Anna! 

To Amy in the YouTube, my heart felt thanks for believing in others and sharing your dreams.   

Click on the PLAY arrow!  Go on.  No one has to know if you get teary eyed too!  

Survival of the Fittess - Tripod

I do know I have my grandma's genes in my blood.

I can't help it then, that the site of a deer excites me. This deer fascinates me! Just after we moved into our house I spotted it in our backyard. She may be a yearling, but I have not seen her with the rest of the herd to compare...I do know she hasn't had spots this year.

Last night I happened to have my camera at the ready, daylight on my side and her nibbling in the back yard.

~ :)

Mixed emotions....Doing the right thing...

I find a lump in my throat right now as I watch my elderly, dementia laden neighbor leaving his house.  His son is in the unfortunate position of making a good choice for his dad.  I've been in those shoes before...it's not an enviable position.  Last Sunday several areas in our community lost power due to Ike's force.  I was not one of those unfortunate few, but across the street they did lose power.  It may be Saturday before it's back up.  My neighbor has had a generator his son set up to keep the basics in his house working.  He also has round-the-clock help.  There comes a point though where what one is doing is just not enough, the right thing and swallowing your pride join up.  I think I just witnessed that across the street.  

My own FIL went to bid farewell to his friend.  My FIL and MIL are a few of the people who this dementia brained friend still recall.  I remained a chicken, peeking from my window, fighting back tears for this scene I was watching.  My friend just left with his dad for a nearby retirement village.  

I was planning on making cookies and walking some across the street to my neighbor.  Now I'll have a little farther to go.  

Life.  Death.  The transition in between.  Balance can be hard to find emotionally.  

Challenges..."Don't Quit!" Attitudes

My gym shoes have a new look!

My red laces show my tie to cancer. This weekend, on Saturday, I will run/walk a 5K with my daughter. It is the first Coach Hep Indiana Cancer Challenge here in Bloomington. Here's the link: http://www.coachhepcancerchallenge.org/index.html

from the website: "IU Football Coach Terry Hoeppner faced every obstacle, even brain cancer, with a positive, "Don't Quit" attitude.

Help us as we apply Coach Hep's determined optimism to funding cancer research and treatment right here in Indiana. Sign up now for the first annual Coach Hep Indiana Cancer Challenge on Saturday, May 10 in Bloomington, Indiana.

You can run, walk or ride a bike. And when you register, you'll be helping to support the IU Simon Cancer Center and Olcott Center for Cancer Education.

If you can’t participate in a Challenge event, help out in another way. Donate online, volunteer or become a sponsor."
-----------------
Having personal experience with a loss due to brain cancer, I know how much - or really, how little - is known in this field. Helping fund cancer research is a small thing I can do to help make a difference.

I'll run/walk because my mom can't. Maybe my few dollars donated to research can find ways to help others beat GBM.

:)

Winning The Game...

Mom's last call:  Click on the link on left side of blog to hear. Deleted: Only on my phone now...

Once a month or so I get a reminder on my cell phone that I have an old message.  I can pretend that she is making the last call once again, and that I won.  

Truthfully, it wasn't much longer after this call before the brain cancer really set in and I was unsure if she remembered who I was.  It is so nice to actually hear her say she loves me.  Kind of weird, I know.  Validation.  It's what I needed from her.  

The tears flow freely now... I still miss her.  

Aging life...

On Wednesday I sat in a doctors office with my Father-in-law while he had a test done. When we walked in he had to sign some papers. He signed his name and he had to date the papers. He asked what the date was. As he signed "June 20th" a lump formed in my throat. It was 22 years ago that my own dad had died. I hadn't even thought about it until the date was spoken out loud.

I was with my FIL because my husband (his youngest son) and his wife had other commitments. This was one of the reasons why we moved back here almost 10 years ago. If my FIL received bad news in the office I wasn't so sure I was the right person for this job.

Fortunately for me, no information was immediately forth coming. Maybe today he'll/we'll have some news. The procedure turned out not to be what my FIL thought it was going to be. He could have driven himself; they didn't put him under. He had to drink some barium and they took scans of his body every 15 minutes. He was expecting an endoscopy. He was very nervous though through this. His hands were so fidgety - not like him at all. And he talked a blue streak. The procedure took a lot less time than we thought. In the end, I was more than glad I could be there for Dad. Just having someone with you for reassurance has got to count for something. I'll go with him again too. Even if it's for the same kind of test. No one should have to go in for any testing alone.

I'm still not excited about hearing his results.

The other side of aging is that my first born turned 15 yesterday! Wow am I getting old, but I look SO good: not at all like the mother of two teens. I can't believe he's 15. He's taller than me now, his hair is longer too! What a smart kid he is. His interests are reading, music and gaming. He particularly likes JRR Tolkien, researching, old-rock and roll (Led Zeppelin and Van Halen, etc.), Texas Hold em', his GameCube games and good food. Only occasionally will he had a bad attitude about things. He's a pretty easy going guy. He's got a little bit of my "pleaser" personality in him. I don't necessarily like to see that.

I do realise I am a very lucky person having the children and family I have been blessed with.

anniversaries...

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my mom's birth. She would have been 65. I got a note today from a friend of hers telling me she was thinking of me, my brother and my sister. She said she wasn't ready for my mom to be gone yet.

I cried and cried. I feel like I could cry again.