I decided to conduct some research this summer. Using the rubric I created (see What I'm looking for in my partner ), I jumped into the pool. Three stories....
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Plenty of Fish: POF.com
Bachelor Number Three: Attractive man, just a year older than me started up a conversation on POF, it was Monday just after dinner. ✔- older. Unlike Match, one can talk for free on POF. Why pay when you can get something for free, right? Well, this guy seemed like someone I would like to get to know better. His pictures were nice. His personality, via texting, seemed pleasant. We text back and forth for several hours. It was suggested that we meet and have a glass of wine. I can't recall who suggested it. He tells me that I can come over to his place, but he has rules...I cannot go inside his house. What? I think, or "we can meet out someplace?" is my response. Side note: It's 10:30 at night. He asks where we can meet so late. I found myself literally laughing out loud. I hadn't intended to suggest we should meet that night, I had been thinking we should meet another night. We both chuckle over this slip up, and decide to meet the next night at a local place at 7pm.
At noon the next day, he sent me a message...he asked if we could chat another night online before we meet face-to-face. What? What??? Yes, of course. He told me he'd feel more at ease if we could chat via online one more time before meeting. Okay, what ever. I was thinking he's insecure, but will discover later on what I suspect really happened. That night I can see he's on POF but he's not responding to me, I figure he must have a better catch happening. No worries. I'm fine not connecting with him. Things happen the way they are supposed to happen. I finally receive a message on POF from him about 20 minutes after we were to meet. I had been busy with a project, so I finished what I was doing and then reply. Again, the chit chat happens easily. He says he wasn't sure why he'd been so cautious and canceled meeting me. He asks if we could we meet now, and chat in person for an hour. He'd even bring a bottle of wine. Hmm. I had to decide, did I trust him enough? The night before in our talking, he had told me his first name, what he did and where he worked. I had put on my detective hat earlier in the day. Bingo! In my searching, he came right up. He was easy to find, very public, and seemed to be representing himself accurately. I asked him if he was bothered by the fact that I live right next door to my former MIL. I hadn't told him this information until now. That was fine he assured me...unless she had a 22. I told him she loved me and was a sweetheart, both true statements. He said his rules were he'd stay outside and only spend an hour. He seemed to have lot of rules he followed, and I do have a wonderful porch for hanging out. I told him I needed his full name, address and phone number because I'd be giving this information to my sister. Then, I added that all my neighbors look out for me...again two true statements. He was fine with all I threw at him. What the heck, I thought. I'm 53 years old. I need to have a little trust. We trade cell numbers, etc.
He came over and I thought, hmm, he's cute in person. I wouldn't mind if he tried to kiss me tonight. We shared a bottle of wine. The one hour we had allotted flew past and grew into several. It was close to 2 a.m. when he went home, and he did kiss me. It was nice. When he had arrived on my doorstep, he was visibly nervous. He rambled on about loving birds. As a long time bird lover, I could tell he was really a fan, too. We had this in common. In our conversations, little things about our era came up...he didn't have to explain, nor did I. We understood what the other was talking about, no generation gap. I liked this about him. I asked how he came to be in town and all about his family and his growing up. I heard about his past girlfriends and how he's a pamper-er. He also confides in me that he's been the one to end all his relationships, but he has remained friends with four of the last five girls he's dated. Interesting. RED FLAG: noted 🚩 I rationalized our conversation details, he seemed to be trying to impress me. This was our first time to meet in person. I said little about my past. In fact, I asked questions, but barely shared. He liked to talk, but didn't ask many questions. I was happy to be getting to know someone new. I was determined to not talk about my ex on my first date because, I am moving on. We talked a little about dating now and Bachelor Number Three told me I should check out what women on dating sites look like, so I could see what I'm up against. Eyebrows raised, I inquired, and he told me many show themselves in bikinis. I must admit, I all ready feel I don't have a chance in this pond. This new information didn't help my self esteem. He went on to say some even have their daughters in the pictures with both wearing bikinis. He said this opens up dialogue for dirty conversation with those ladies. I'm sure this should have been a RED FLAG 🚩, but I am still naive in this dating game.
Over the next day, he and I send pleasant texts back and forth. Just a little flirty, but nice, and not at all like Bachelor Number Two. He wants to take me out for dinner on Friday to my choice of restaurant. I mentioned I like to dine at local places and not chain restaurants. "Perfect," he said, as the 'local' I could show him new places, and, if I wear a dress with plenty of cleavage, I can order a bottle of wine from the 'top shelf'. RED FLAG 🚩: noted. Maybe he's just being flirtatious I tell myself, at least I hoped.
By Friday night he was referring to me as babe a lot, in his messages. I definitely note this as we had just started talking Monday. I like terms of endearment...when they are heartfelt. He sent me a message, he was running a little late, could I have a bottle of wine ready? He suggests we could have a drink to take the edge off, and start the night. There happened to be a bottle of wine in the refrigerator, so sure. I was ready. I was nervous and a little excited. A guy that I wanted to get to know better, actually wanted to go out with me?!! He was picking me up and taking me to a nice place for dinner. How ridiculous I am, but no one ever approaches me in the real world, asks me out, or seems to want to get to really know me. Sure we hadn't spent much time talking about me the other night, but we were heading to dinner and I am certain he would want to hear all about me now.
Before we left my house, I wanted to show him my yard. It had been too dark to see anything when he was over the other night. He liked my backyard, but he realized I'd mowed it earlier, and he noticed I had used a push mower. I had. He commented that if we were still together at Christmas he'd be buying me a riding mower. 😳 I politely thanked him but said there was no need, in my mind I was thinking 'are you going to pay me for being with you? I think that's got a name and it's called...', but my voice says I don't have a place to house a riding mower. I justify my rationale and continue telling him that I have a very nice self-propelled. He said, he will find a reason at Thanksgiving to buy me a small barn. I smiled and politely shook my head, but I said no more. I really don't want to feel bought. We went inside to have our glass of wine before heading out. I had a playlist on my stereo and it just so happened that an obscure Ed Sheeran song was playing. He asked if it was Ed, which of course made me happy. My turn to brag a tad, I told him I was going with my sister in September to see Ed in Indy. He joked that if my sister broke her leg and couldn't go he would gladly be her replacement. Then he went on about concerts he's attended and ones he'd like to attend. I had to ask him to repeat himself when he told me he didn't want me to think he was gay or anything like that, but he really like Justin Timberlake and would love to see him. Then he added without flinching, as if he'd said it a hundred times, "Yay, I'd blow him." "What???" clearly puzzled I asked out loud. Laughing he says...."I said I'd blow him. I said I'm not gay, but I would absolutely do him. You know, backstage, door is closed and locked and he asks for a little. I do it." "Okay then," I say. RED FLAG 🚩, eyebrows raised, and noted. He'd like to see Adele and I can't recall who else, because my brain was still trying to process the Justin comment. Five minutes later he says, "You know I was just kidding about that Justin thing, right?" "Do I?" I responded. I don't know. My eyebrows were still raised. Off to dinner we went.
There was a short wait at the restaurant, which meant we'd be waiting in the bar. My date had me order a bottle of wine, he said he trusted my choice. I had all ready noted that he wasn't really a wine drinker. He had mentioned that when he does drink wine, he's more of a sweet, white, wine type. I am not. I like a dry red, with hints of berries. I'll take a Malbec or Shiraz any day! Considering we were at a local brewery, I probably would have gone with a beer. I had noted in previous conversations that my date really prefers Jamaican Rum with Diet Coke, but only beer and wine are on this menu. Four wine choices tonight, and one was definitely too sweet for me. I decided upon the Chardonnay. I thought it was a nice choice, all things considered. All the bottles cost $24.00. Old habit, I am always aware of how much money is being spent. I was held accountable in my past. This is a hard habit to break. Old habits are hard to be free of, especially when I know someone else is buying for me and he has recently said, "I'll buy you a riding mower...which really means I am paying you for your services" comment was still so fresh in my brain. Just after the wine arrived, the waitress escorted me to our table, while my date settled up with the bartender. My date chose to sit next to rather than across from me. This makes it easier to talk and hear one another. At times this was just the right amount of closeness, and at others it was just a bit too much. He whispers in my ear, I couldn't quite hear him, so I leaned in a little closer, he used the closeness to kiss me. I am on display. I don't like kissing where it's so public with someone I don't know that well. I told him when he tried to kiss me a second time that he had a limited amount of kisses for the evening and if he used them all up out in public he wouldn't get a kiss good night. Boundaries. I set them. He didn't try to kiss me again at the restaurant.
I nurse my third glass of wine, and consciously decide I won't finish it. I drink water for the rest of the night. Having started this night drinking wine at my house, plus one and a half glasses here at dinner is more than enough for me. I'm not one who likes getting publicly intoxicated. I'm sure my date isn't that type of person either, but he's starting to show the effects of too much alcohol in his system, so maybe I am wrong in this assumption. He gets out his phone to show me pictures of his dogs. And then...pictures of the lady he took to the Biltmore in June. This past June. RED FLAG 🚩 He tells me her name, and assures me she is just a friend. I really don't care. He says again and again exactly how much he paid a night for the room. This is followed by him telling me nothing happened between them. He let her have the king-sized bed in the suite and he slept on the couch in the other room. He did posed for a picture with her where they kissed. I saw that picture. He didn't really show it to me, but I could see it as he flipped though all his pictures. He showed me all the cakes she's baked and decorated, apparently that's what she does. In fact, she had just brought him a cake that day; one that didn't turn out exactly as she'd liked. 😳 I told him she and he made a nice looking couple. They did. He was showing me pictures of the two of them. Still, more pictures, one of three women, when I asked him to go back and tell me about that he acted as if he hadn't heard me. Okay, he has selective hearing, and he's getting drunk. Noted. RED FLAG 🚩
He comments yet again, that he was kidding about Justin. Whatever. The conversation shifts to our waiter, "was he a little gay or what?" 😐😕😠 Really?? He made a point of going over the top with our waiter after that comment, too. It was embarrassing. "Oh, such-and-such, you have made this night absolutely the best!" Then he held his fist out to fist bump the waiter, who awkwardly laughed and bumped fists. After the waiter left my date asks me, "How'd you like that!?" 😱 RED FLAG 🚩
"Oh, and we aren't going to talk politics." This is his next topic for our conversation. He proceeded to tell me all about the rules at his place of employment, and how he's had to step in for his subordinates. He tells me, "You and I will be just fine, as long as you didn't vote for Hilary." RED FLAG 🚩 I responded, "Well, who did you vote for?" He tells me he voted for all offices except President. I asked why he didn't make his voice heard, and he asks me who would he vote for, a dirty politician or a joke? Fair enough assessment I suppose, but I think Hilary was the best choice. I said nothing to him. He wasn't worth THAT conversation.
He's jumping from subject to subject now. Who would my free pass be? WHAT??? I must have looked very puzzled. "You know, that person who could knock on the door and you'd call me up and say, yay, I need to break up with you for thirty minutes. Is it Harrison Ford? Or Clooney?" To be honest, I have never thought like this. In the real world that just doesn't happen, so why would I even think it or say it??? He mentions his list. I agree his lady choices are all beautiful.
I try several times to hint that we should leave, at this point he tells me he paid $40 for our bottle of wine, so we will finish it. I told him I'm not having any more. I stopped after my 1 1/2 at dinner. He looks at me and I can tell he's had too much all ready, and he starts to sort of ask, so I jump right in, "I'd be glad to drive us home if you want to finish your glass of wine." He says he never does this kind of thing, but agrees. He tells me it would look bad if he was pulled over. He needs to not be able to drive. I tell him I understand. I'm really only thinking of myself now. He continues and tells me he doesn't have a drinking problem, but he did find out later in life that his dad was an alcoholic, as is his brother, whom he hasn't spoken to in three years. He doesn't even know where his brother lives right now. He, my date, used to smoke pot, but he doesn't any more. He enjoys a drink when he gets home instead. He used to smoke pot, but he failed a drug test that cost him his dream job, so he has sworn it off. RED FLAG 🚩 RED FLAG 🚩 RED FLAG 🚩 That drug test was just five years ago, just before he moved here. Interesting. So, if I will drive the car..."YES", I say, I am absolutely fine driving his car! "It's a *****", he tells me, with a question in his voice, as if driving a ***** is different than any other car. "Is it a stick," I ask? "Because I can drive that too, no worries." He mentions again how much he has paid for the wine and told me he left a big tip because the next time he comes in, that bartender is going to remember him and treat him well. Without saying anything, he took my glass and poured what I had left into his own. He drank every last drop from that bottle. I'm a bit shocked...he couldn't just walk away from my dregs.
As he's gets his wallet out to pay the bill he asked if I have any cash on me. "Yes, why?" Then he hands me the bill. He wanted me to read it to him. I asked if he needs glasses, he tells he has them, but he leaves them at work. As I read the total out loud, he put a line through the tip spot and said thank you. "Ah,that's why you asked if I have cash, you'd like me to leave a cash tip." No he says, he has cash and he pulls out a twenty. WTH? I am puzzled yet again tonight. I wondered what this "lesson" he's feeling the need to teach me is all about. I now know he paid $40 for the wine, another $30 for dinner and left $20 as a tip. Was this his way of letting me know how much he liked me, because he's spent a certain amount of money tonight? Or is this his way to impress me, as to what he's paid for me tonight? I wonder, what is it he will want in return? Or is this just a conversation he wants to have because he likes hearing himself talk and sound like a big man? I was not intoxicated, just curious. He continues his speech, he knows wait staff prefer green. True enough, they do. I don't need this lesson though.
We walked to his car an hour later than I had hoped. I got in to drive us to my house. But first ...I received a sales speech about all the features on the car. I must have seemed like someone who had never driven a car before. 😡 I was so tempted to drive like a wild banshee. I tried to restrain that beast inside. As I was driving to my place I suddenly asked, "Hey, do you want to go on a secret road?" I know a little, narrow lane that cuts through campus. I also know I can drive fast on this curvy stretch. My banshee wasn't as contained as she should have been! 😈 Unfortunately, I think he liked my wild driving because afterward he told me how his car is a sport coupe and has all wheel drive so the tires stick when cornering, blah, blah, blah. What ever. I believe my past knowledge of cars is deeper than most woman, yet I don't care to use that knowledge any more. At least not in talking with this man. I am emotionally over this night. I haven't been listened to at all.
We arrived at my place, and I know it wasn't safe for him to drive yet. UGH! We needed to wait a few hours before I felt comfortable placing him behind the wheel. We have more conversation about his family. To keep his mind occupied, I asked question after question. I know he's expecting us to kiss, but I was not sure what else he thought he had coming. As the alcohol is leaving his system, he shifts our conversation back to kissing. He tells me he has Russian Hands and Roman Fingers. 😐 Admittedly, I am human, and have been alone longer than I had expected. A little kissing and caressing feels good, but quickly lines were crossed. He was stronger than I am and he pushed the envelope which made me a little nervous. He was more aggressive than I liked.
I suddenly recall a part of our conversation from when he was over the night before. He told me how the girl he had been dating at Christmas...whom he'd bought a bunch of name brand computer gadgets, etc. even though he knew he was going to break up with her...accused him of borderline raping her last New Year's Eve. His story was that she had too much to drink and came on to him. The next day she told him that he should have known better. I'm suddenly aware of how strong he was and I know I didn't think I could stop him, if he didn't want to stop when I said. I was prepared emotionally to be detached if things got to that point. An old college memory flared up. Dang, I thought I had that one buried deeper! Guess it hadn't been as deeply hidden as I thought. I'm older and wiser now. I was ready to physically hurt him if things got out of hand. He had me in a position where I couldn't move freely, and his one hand was where he said it wouldn't roam. The second time I say stop, I don't recognize my own voice. I was really forceful. This me hasn't had to ever shown herself. He stops. I told him he needed to go home. I walked him to the door and I told him goodbye. I knew this was it. I would not date him. I just needed to figure out what to say to him the next day. I still felt responsible for letting him down easy.
Sleep didn't come easily that night. I am so alone. Being over 50 and dating is hard. I so want to believe that someone can love and respect me. I want to believe that both can happen simultaneously. I want to believe that someone will love me for my smarts and not feel threatened because I have a brain. I want to feel that my sex appeal will excite someone, while being seen as a bonus. I know that is stupid. In reality, I am seen as an object only in the world of online dating. Society still hasn't allowed me to be an equal. I am easily substituted for younger, or more needy models. That's what it seems men want in life. If I stand up and am that strong woman who lives deep inside of me, I risk being alone for ever. At least that's how I feel. Men don't seem to want to be partners. I don't think I can play this dating game. In fact, I know I can't.
End of Bachelor Number Three's dating story.
Time lasted: A whopping five days.
AFTER NOTE: I suspected Bachelor Number Three had been in a relationship with the lady whom he took to the Biltmore. I believe he had been looking for a way to end that relationship. A quick FB search of her showed she was "in a relationship" and it also revealed comments they had back and forth to one another. The comments were more than friends and had happened as recently as the morning we were supposed to have met for wine.
~Lisa Kroll
currently jaded, skeptical, and a non-believer in the existence of true love between unrelated human beings*
Epilogue: Dating sites are a hard place to spend time. I think they are probably as hard for men as they are for women. They hurt, not help self esteem. In order to be noticed, one must write a catchy profile and include just the right pictures. Even then, it's hard to meet the right someone. Pay sites have fewer subscribers in my "little" town and free sites have too many people whom I am not interested in getting to know. I suppose I'm grateful for the lessons I am taking away from this summer of playing The Dating Game. One guy sent me a message on a free site. He said, "Ask me a question. I'll answer" So I did. I said, "I have always wondered...Why do banks charge you for 'insufficient funds' when you don't have enough money in your account to pay it?" Needless to say, we never did connect.
I feel we live in a society where humans have trouble interacting in person. So many people play games on line, on a computer or at home through smart TV's and gaming systems. I think this separates us from reality and online dating is just another version of these virtual games. Maybe I'm wrong, and it's just harder when one has previously been married for a long time, or has children still at home to be able to connect with other available souls. I really don't know how to help my path cross that of others who might be ready for a relationship. I have this ominous feeling that unless I put myself "out there", I am destined to remain alone. Certainly others feel this way as well? Maybe this is part of the online dating game.
I really miss having an intimate relationship. Intimacy to me does not equate to sex only. I'd love to find someone with whom I can roll over, look into their eyes, see their joy, or pain, and connect on that level. I long to make plans and go on adventures with someone special. I would love to have a partner to share the rest of my days. I realize we all come into this world alone, and we leave it alone too. After my summer research... I think I'm ready to adopt another dog.
I am happy that school has started once again. I can, and will fall into my workaholic ways, focusing on my classroom and students. I love teaching and I love my two kitties. For these loves, I am grateful.
Goodbye dating sites. I need a life preserver to swim in your waters, and you don't provide this. In fact, you make my heart feel empty and alone, which is the exact opposite of what you say you are selling.
*this is just a stage, I hope.
*****
To read about Bachelor Number One...click here
To read about Bachelor Number Two...click here
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To read about Bachelor Number One...click here
To read about Bachelor Number Two...click here
