I have spent the past few years feeling responsible for all the crap I have gone through. I realize that each of us IS responsible for what they allow into their lives. So technically, I am. I'm meaning I took the blame for everything that happened that lead to my marriage ending. If I had seen the end coming I should have done something to stop the train. Right??? I hadn't fallen out of love, so I didn't think that train was on the right tracks. I didn't know where that engine was located. I didn't see it, and therefore I felt I must have done something wrong. Being the person that I am, I felt responsible for how everything played out. I felt responsible for all the problems. As if I, alone, was to blame for the my marriage failing and then ending. But what if...
What if... I am responsible.
Responsible for being a capable individual.
Responsible for being a smart human being.
Responsible for holding the family together.
Responsible for being a kind soul, who actually loves life, and finds joy all around.
Responsible for my own loving and being loved in return.
Responsible for my own voice.
What if I'm actually not the damage goods I was made to believe I was?
No finger pointing, but I was born and raised in a society that was in flux. For awhile I believed that men were to be cherished, to be put on a pedestal and to be treated like the king of the castle. At the same time, I believed women were to insist on equal rights and could do everything men could. I put my dad up on a pedestal while I deeply admired my mom. I followed suit in my own home. Yet, some part of me felt I couldn't speak my mind in my household. I am not a fighter. Maybe that was the problem.
Last week I read a book called Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton. The story is a memoir and incredibly personal. Glennon's story is of her learning to love again. She grew up thinking she wasn't enough according to society's standards. Instead of thinking society was flawed, she took the blame. She says she 'checked out' and sent her 'representative' instead of her true self to live life. I can certainly relate to her thinking. So many times I felt maybe I was the problem...but what if I wasn't. What if I was just with the wrong person who couldn't appreciate all the details that make up me?
As I read Love Warrior, there were times I felt Glennon had actually been inside my head while she was writing..as if she snatched some of my thoughts and claimed them as her own. Her writing validated me and suddenly I didn't feel so isolated in my thoughts. When I finished reading, I wondered, what if there has never been anything wrong with me? Again, I know we aren't perfect, but what if I chose to believe someone else's story about me over my own truths? What if that story was flawed because they were flawed themselves, and there for they couldn't see me in the proper light?
Today I am still healing. I am a stronger person than I used to be. That's not really a true statement. I have always been a strong person, I just know it now and show it more. I still struggle, and have challenges, but I know I can handle anything that comes my way. As I become more self-assured, I am feeling ready to get back out into society and have a real relationship. I want to share my life and all I have with another. I want to be someone's favorite hello and his hardest goodbye. I want to love again. I am discovering that I do have a lot to offer. I know I am not yet fully healed, and will always be a work in progress...as are we all. Time helps me to gain confidence in knowing my own truths. This mindset...it's pretty cool. Thanks Glennon, for helping push me over the fence to see the grass on the other side. I feel I've been teetering for sometime and you made me realize we all have flaws, along with strengths.
Friends keep telling me, 'you're fine/normal', 'this is natural', 'in time...', etc., but Friends, when you tell me that, and I look at you, I know you have no idea what hell I have truly been going through. How can you know I'm going to be okay? I don't wish tragedy on anyone, and I do know that behind closed doors things aren't always what they appear to be to outsiders. Reading Glennon's story made me feel like a Love Warrior. It was the push I think I've been needing. I felt a seed of peace and acceptance being planted in my soul as I closed that book.
What if ... my seed blooms into a flower, with tendrils so long, and so beautiful, they touch others too? No limits with this love-warrior-woman now.
~Shooting for the stars, while working on eating, always praying and giving thanks for what life shares with me, and being my own Love Warrior.
Blogging music tonight: Bon Iver, 22, A Million the album on Spotify,
then my latest playlist creation that includes We are One, by Angelique Kidjo, Addicted to You by Avicii, Counting Backwards to 1 by Beautiful Small Machines, Bittersweet Faith (Thievery Corporation Remix) by Bitter Sweet, #1 Night by Cobra Starship, Paradise, Clocks, and Viva La Vida by Coldplay, Titanium by David Guetta, and then Ed...Tenerife Sea, Shirtsleeves, Let It Out, Where We Land and Firefly.
Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton
My sister saw this book online months ago and said, "We need this!"
She sent me the link to pre-order. Which I did.