Loss...

I need to be able to write about what's happening with me.  Life sort of sucks.

By sort of, I mean it sucks, but that I am surviving.  It's not what I expected, but I am plugging along.

I've been reading up on divorce recently.  I have read that it can hurt as much, or more, as when you have someone die in your life.  I've been down that path!  I am a survivor.  One has to go through the mourning process through a divorce, just like when you have someone close die.  That's what my heart and head are dealing with right now.  I am mourning the loss of my dream of being a wife and married forever.  Mourning that I will not share everything with one person.

Apparently my husband checked out sometime ago from "us".  I'm not sure when it happened for him.  I really thought we were just going through something.  I was looking forward to our last child leaving the house.  It really was finally going to be time for us.  No digressing though.  He has made his choice.  He has made it impossible for me to even look at him without feeling sorry for him.  He has hurt the one thing in life that loved him more than life itself.  I cannot trust a single word that falls out of his mouth. Ever.

I was not anticipating feeling so devastated at this point in my life.  At times, I don't even feel I can move forward.  How can he be fine with all of this?  Why?  Where did we go wrong?  Will I ever be happy again?  Will I ever trust again?  Will anyone ever honestly love me again?  Will I ever be able to honestly love again?  Was so much of what I lived a lie?  Does Happily Ever After even exist? These questions pop into my brain at times.

Honestly, I am happier without him in my life.  I do not walk on eggshells any more.

Last week I started attending a divorce support group. There is something comforting in having others tell their stories, and telling my story, and to know that you are not alone.  I just need someone to walk with me on this journey.

I want a new relationship, but I am SO not ready.  Yes, I want to be kissed, and held and more.  But I know I need to really love myself first.  I do not totally love myself yet.  He made me feel so incredibly at fault for everything.  Shame on me for allowing that.  I need to heal and not allow anyone to ever make me feel that way again.

At the divorce support group meeting the topic was New Relationships.  This is a church based support group.  I do believe in God, so this is good for me.  I was reminded last week that God accepts and loves me exactly how I am.  That I am a whole person and not the other half of someone else.  All the emotional abuse my soon-to-be-ex did to me was not about me.  It was about him.  About him not being good enough, not having a healthy self-esteem, about him needing to feel like he was superior.  To allow himself to feel superior, he cut me down.  Not just me, but everyone really who crosses his path.  And he still does it.  He cannot change.  He's running from the demons in his own head, but he will never be able to get away.  And he cannot be happy for anyone else's successes.    He cannot love.

I need to learn to let him go and the feelings I have from his abuse. He is no longer my responsibility.  I am not anything he said.

I am capable.
I am perfect.
I am smart.
I am not fat.
I am beautiful.  
...and I can do ANYTHING!

~Lisa

I'm not an activist...but I am working on surviving

“Authentic love does not devalue another human being. Authentic love does not silence, shame or abuse,”

...sometimes as a spouse, one can feel it's our role to make everything better.  To "fix" things. That's why we allow what has happened to happen.  Domestic abuse sometimes takes the form of Emotional Abuse.

The first time I heard Katy Perry sing "By the Grace of God," I would have sworn she wrote it for me.

Please take 46 seconds and re-listen to Brooke's words.  If you are my friend...or even my acquaintance, then know that you KNOW someone personally who is working on surviving.

Full article and part of Brooke Axtell's speech on the 2015 Grammy's from The Washington Post (click here)  To hear Brooke's complete speech, click here.

Some days are easier then others.  

Trust...I cannot yet.  

By The Grace of God
Song by  Katy Perry

Was 27 surviving my return of Saturn
A long vacation didn’t sound so bad
Was full of secrets locked up tight like iron mountain
Running on empty so out of gas

Thought I wasn’t enough
Found I wasn’t so tough
Layin’ on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn’t take it anymore

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning, there is no more mourning
Oh, I can finally see myself again

I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah, the truth’ll set you free

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out, oh, that way,
No, that way, no
Not in the name of love
In the name of love
That way, no,
That way, no
I am not giving up

By the grace of God
I picked myself back up
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way

Thank you Katy for Prism!  

My Vision Board

Where do I want to go this year?  

the plan

 Embracing life, I am going for learning to love myself.  I need to remember how to trust and have confidence again.  On the outside, I may seem confident to most, but inside I really feel inferior.  No more.  I will not be made to feel I am unworthy again.  I am full of life.

My Vision Board

Starting with myself at the center and everything radiating from there.  Mostly this year will be about my career.  My goal is to have my own classroom.  I found a picture of students on exercise balls which is just like my fourth graders from my student teaching. I love exercise balls in the classroom! They really do help with wiggles.  The picture just above me and to the left shows a classroom of the 21st century - technology!  There are quotes about teachers too, about always being a learner.

To my right is the section on Wealth or Finances.  I am in for huge changes in this area over this next year, but I am having faith that all will work itself out.

Wealth

I've used the Mario and Luigi with their coins to remind myself to not stress.  I don't need much in life.  And truthfully, true wealth, and happiness comes from those things money cannot buy.  I am following my dreams.  Independence is something I have never really known.  I am ready.

New House

On my left, I need to start thinking of new housing.  When my divorce is final, I will not be able to afford the Burrow.  It doesn't really hold memories that other houses have held for me.  It is right next door to my MIL though, and I did design and re-do the kitchen.  I will miss my kitchen.  But, I have the knowledge of what a redesign takes!  I know how to do the research on what I want and how to make it happen.  Plus, maybe that means I'll be able to work with my contractor once again.  Friendships are another important part of my future.

New Friends

I do treasure my current friends.  I realize though, in order to have new relationships...and I do not want to be alone in life...I need to be able to walk away from bad situations and embrace new friends.  I need new experiences.  I want to move forward.  I am all ready looking into new organizations to be passionate about!  Doing new things will broaden my friend pool.  Sounds like a win, win to me.

Adventures - Travels

I have spent the past almost two years deeply involved in my schooling.  Both of my children have pretty much left home.  They are both adults and need me in tiny ways.  It's time for me to start exploring the world.  I've included a map of the National Parks because I would LOVE to explore these most of all.  Traveling the world would be nice too, but really, we have so much beauty here, I'd like to do that first.  Maybe I'm being realistic, knowing my budget too.  I would like to go to Italy some day, but not yet.  I have a photo of Clingmans Dome, which is located in the Great Smokey Mountains.  I want to go here this year.  Fall Break - in October.  That's my plan.  I'm thinking Winston will be up to traveling!

On the top left of my board I have the hardest goals to conquer...my self-esteem and body image.

Self-esteem/ Body Image

There is a quote in the top left corner from Marilyn Monroe, "To all girls who think they're fat because you're not a size zero, you are beautiful one.  It's society who's ugly."  I go back and forth between feeling comfortable in my skin.  I have lived with someone who made me feel guilty for being curvy.  Again...no more.  I do have a few extra pounds on my frame but I do not sit around like a bump on a log.  I am active. I enjoy exploring out in nature.  

The last part of my board has to do with moving forward, learning to trust, and being grateful.  

Confidence - Trust - Gratitude

I have spent the past nine months writing down five things each day that I am thankful for in my life before I have gone to bed.  Now it's time to start each day by being grateful as well.  Learning to trust again may be the hardest thing to do though.  That along with feeling comfortable about my body.   I have a hard time believing anything anyone says to me now, and I don't really even trust myself.  With time and space, I'm healing. 

Beauty resides in the heart.  

Others who cannot see and appreciate my beauty need to not be in my life.  

I need to have the strength to let go of things, and people, that no longer serve me.  

Peace and Love are in my future.

Happiness and Adventure.

Passion and Financial Security.   

And I will do it all,

 myself, 

Because I can! 

~Lisa