Tasks that we think, some day I'll get to that.
Christmas Night, 2015
I had my house all to myself.
Divorce changes the holidays.
I am no longer part of my in-laws celebrations. Ties have been cut. I am told that I will always be part of the family, but quite honestly, that's not true. I have been set free. If I am allowed to celebrate, it is at a separate time.
Changes.
New traditions?
Possibly.
My Christmas stocking no longer hangs on the fireplace at the house next door.
No longer will I be asked to contribute to making food for the feast.
Touches of me remain however. Ornaments I made by hand are still put up on the tree. Decorations I purchased sit around the room. But physically, I am not there. I sit next door. Alone. Contemplating my solitude.
I am good. And I AM mentally good.
In a divorce the couple, whose marriage is ending, must process the changes. Usually one of those two people (person A) is farther along in the process. They are typically the person who files and hands the other person (person B) their dismal papers. Consequently, person B may be at a disadvantage, they need to catch up with the emotions that spill out. Maybe they were blindsided. Maybe they assumed what was happening was just a normal part of a long time marriage, as children age and leave the nest.
Regardless, the emotional playing field is not equal. There are five stages of grief that, even in the death of a marriage, person B must go through. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.
Having experienced the great loss of holding my mom's hand as she took her last breath after her seven month battle with Glioblastoma Multiforme (GBM), stage four brain cancer, I am well aware of these stages. These stages do not necessarily come and visit in a set order. Nor do they visit just once and leave.
I am hoping that I am nearing the stage of Acceptance. My ex has certainly moved on. I hear he's applied for a marriage license, just six months after our divorce, and he's buying a nice big house for his new "family". I've also heard he has been telling others that he socked away money while we were married. Hmm. What a catch!
I am in the Anger stage for my children. I feel my children are being discarded. They no longer offer any thing person A can use, or benefit from. They are adults. No longer are they cute little children who turn to their parents for every little thing. No longer do they laugh at all jokes. No longer do they put their parents up on the pedestals that young children do. They cannot be told 'go to bed', 'be home by...', 'No', 'because I said so", etc. They are ready to move forward and be their own people, as they should. They have opinions. They question. They have started to experience life.
What I know... is that children, no matter how old, need to believe the best in their parents. They want to be loved. They want to know they can count on their parents/guardians/grandparents for unconditional love.
Divorce causes children to be forced to experience the stages of grief as well. I wish I could protect my children from this. I have not been able to step aside in this process and ask them how they are doing. I just haven't been able to be that strong. I was broken myself. Maybe now as I am feeling Acceptance upon me, I am able to see what my own two children have had to deal with. I am so sorry for them. Everything they believed about their childhood has been pulled out from under them. The foundation they once thought was so strong has been shattered. All I can offer them is my love, my acceptance and my unconditional love.
By the forward relationships they have with person A and person B, they get to continue to form their own opinions. They get to discover truths on their own. Life is made up of constant change. How we handle that change defines us as individuals.
Last night (Christmas night) I meant to blog. Instead, I did one of those tasks I would someday get to...I listened to all the unnamed tracks on my iTunes list. A simple little job, but one my precious time is never allowed to get to. All tracks have been named! My discovery? I have a nice collection of Madonna's music.
So tonight, I am one strong woman listening to another strong woman, knowing I helped create two strong children. My children are the best parts of both of their parents. Of course I'm positive they have 51% of their mom in them.
~Lisa Scubelek-Kroll
blogging music tonight: All Madonna...Vogue, Cherish, Crazy For You, Justify My Love, La Isla Bonita, Like a Prayer, Like a Virgin, Live to Tell, Material Girl, Open Your Heart, Papa Don't Preach, Express Yourself
