...trash...

So last weekend I met my siblings. We actually all acted like adults, go figure!

No tears, no anger, no yelling, no sadness...well, not much sadness. It is pretty sad to look through your parents things. It's kind of the kind of thing you wish you COULD do while they were still alive. We do have questions we wish we could have answered. Like, what ring did a guy name David buy our mom BEFORE she met dad? Forever to be unanswered I guess. Also, why did they keep certain things? Were they sentimental? And if so, what's their story?

This weekend we are taking our whole families north and have rented a trash bin. It really is time to get rid of a few things. Our mom and step-dad were pack rats. No doubt about that. This weekend we will get a chance to see how far the apples fall from the trees. Can we all still agree about what is trash?

I guess we will see.

Control

Tonight my siblings and I will meet at the old house. We need to discuss our plans on dispersing with the memories there. Both physical and emotional memories will need to be gone through.

Three children. Three sets of emotions. Three different ways of doing things. One roof.

I wonder if we will cry, argue and or hold grudges. I wonder how we can get through this. How do we physically get rid of things and how do we emotionally get rid of things? How do we get through this and not have hard feelings and still love one another? Or do we lose those relationships in the end? What will prevail and what really matters in the end? Our parents created the three of us, but did they ever think we'd be there for each other later in life? Does any parent ever think about this part of parenting? I haven't. Do I care if once I am gone if my kids love one another or stay in touch? Honestly, I think it's not my concern. I really only care if they love me and are good human beings. That seems selfish but honest. Maybe my emotions are just jaded right now.

It will be interesting to see what this weekend brings.

Looking for Joy

Depression is around me now. I feel abandoned. Yes, I have my husband and kids, but I feel like that's it. At times I feel blase about life. Who cares? Why do anything? It doesn't really matter in the end. And then at times I see the beauty and wonder in the little things...birds singing, gorgeous sunrises, the constellations.

I thought having 2006 end would help things. Maybe I need more of 2007 to go by to see the difference. I know I need to give things time. I really need to be able to laugh again and know it's okay to laugh. There are those constant thoughts in the back of my brain that I am alive and my parents aren't.

I need balance. This is normal. I know it is. Things will be fine, in time.