Daniel Craig is Staring at Me.

Honestly.  He is.  As I sit and ponder what words to type, his steel grey (yes, I know they are usually blue) eyes are piercing my subconscious.

I'm staring back.

He smiles.  So do I.  There is a little knowing smile on his face, mixed with a touch of mystic.  Dang, he's cute for a  youngster.  I wonder what his wife thinks of him smiling at other ladies?  Do I care? I do.  If it's just a friendly smile, than I think it is...fine.  But if it's more than that, ...drats.  I'm not someone who can share.

The hardest part of my being single right now is learning how to trust again.  I am so scared of being rejected.  I have been trying to stay detached.  Not allowing my feelings to enter into the mix of my life.  Unfortunately, they are not cooperating.

I am finding out that I want more than just looking at that pretty face on the magazine.  I am not that person who can separate her emotions from actions.  I want to be feel the connection that being open with another human allows.  Both physically and mentally.  It's not possible for me to have relations with a person and not let my soul be exposed.  But I know I haven't been single for that long.  I'm not looking to get married again.  I'm not even sure I know what I want, but I do know I want to be able to be honest and fully experience a relationship the way it should be experienced.  I want to be ready, but my mind isn't there yet.  The advice I get is go with the moment, have no expectations, just enjoy life.  I am.  But it's scary.  Am I meant to be alone forever?  I have plenty of friends.  What I mean is, I really exposed myself once in a relationship and was bitten.  Am I brave enough to be bitten twice?

If you are reading this and you are in a relationship, then think about this...how well does that person know you?  And what do they know about you?  What do you know about them?  Do they know your bad habits and they are with you anyway?  What kind of things do you talk about?  Random things?  Deep conversations? Things you've done together?  All that is gone for me.  My slate has been wiped clean.  It's so scary starting over.  I miss deep human contact.  Yet, I remain guarded. Maybe that's my mistake.


~Lisa Kroll 

Tonight's music:  Ed Sheeran, from his EP FIVE, disc 1, 2, and 3. 
Specifically these songs:  Cold Coffee, Let it Out, Sofa, Where We Land, So and Be Like You 

Reinventing Oneself

If Invent (verb) means to create or design, or to make up (an idea, name, story, etc.), especially so as to deceive.  Then Reinvent must mean to create, design, or make up again.  

I have been thinking about this lately.  As I listen to my new favorite artist, Ed Sheeran, singing from an older EP that I recently downloaded.  For those non-techies like me, an EP, Extended Play, is a musical recording that contains more than a single but less than an album.  

On this EP, there are several recordings of the same song.  Different versions, some live, some not.  Mostly I hear Ed's soul coming through once again.  He truly is a romantic wordsmith.  

As I listen to him singing I wonder, is he reinventing himself as he sings?  Or is he just refining what is all ready there?  Do people reinvent themselves?  And if they do, are reinventions really accurate perceptions or just more deception?  Still the 'man behind the curtain'?

Which brings me to me. 

Have I reinvented myself?  I don't think so.  I think what others are seeing is what has always been there.  I liken myself to a turtle.  I pulled my head in to protect myself, and now I feel safe to show myself the world.  I feel like the me that I am allowing to now show has just been waiting to be unveiled.  I feel I was waiting for the right moment to poke my head out from inside my shell.  Maybe I've transformed just a bit...as a caterpillar does when it goes into it's chrysalis.  Does it change or just refine what is all ready there on the inside? 

Sometimes we show ourselves in ways we think others want us to show ourselves.  Silly isn't it?  But typical in our society today.  

Jokingly I was asked recently, "You're so damn happy.  What's your problem?"  

The answer my friends, Life is Short.  

~Lisa Kroll 

Tonight's Music:  My recent purchase, and you can listen to the whole thing for free on Spotify!  Go to Spotify.com and search for Ed Sheeran, albums, 5.  

Dating in the 21st Century, and Almost Being Over-the-Hill....

On June 20, 1985, 3:20 a.m. my dad died in his sleep.  In that instant, my mom became single and a single parent.  She had a five-year-old under her wing and two grown children, ages 19 and 21.

She had anticipated sharing her life with the man of her dreams.  They had plans.  They had love.  They had one another...through sickness, health, rich and poor times, etc.

Suddenly, she was alone.

I was as sensitive as any 21 year old, who had just met her love could be.  I now wish I had my current life experience hidden away in my pocket.  I didn't give my mom nearly enough time to mourn.  But, when it came time for her to move forward, she had my brother and me behind her.  We were her biggest fans and we gave her as much emotional support as we could.  We didn't want to see her unhappy.  She was too young, too joy filled, too vivacious, too happy of a soul to be alone for the rest of her life.  Simply put, she was an amazing lady.

Oh, history (sigh)...  Thanks for allowing me to learn from you.

After spending nearly two years working my butt off in graduate school, knowing that my marriage was over through it all, and feeling too young to be alone, not religious enough to join the convent (sorry Sister Frances!), and too social...I decided to try my hand at online dating.  

Think about it, how does a fifty-one-year-old let others know she has healed enough to want to get out in her community and date?  I was told I need to join organizations, be active in groups, follow my passions.  Where do all the single 50+ year old men hang out?  If they are in the bars, no thanks.  I don't mind a drink or two, but nightly...not for me.  On one's profile that means I am a "social drinker".

Who has time to, hold down a full-time job, take care of the pets that are now a responsibility, and keep a house uber clean since it's on the market?

Do you know how much courage it takes to go to events alone?  Going to a movie is different than going to say a gala event.  So, gala's are no longer part of my life.  Time for new adventures.  Going on walks alone has it's risks.  As does traveling.  I try to not be scared of this world, but I am cautious. Saturday nights I force myself to go out! I love my blogging nights. 

Enter the world of online dating with me.  This is what I've learned so far.

1) Pay $ and upgrade.
In order to thin out the better choices from the bad choices, one must spend a little money.  I recall as an undergraduate hearing one of my professors say TANSTAAFLE.
There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch...totally applies.
Spend money to have the weeds pulled.

2)  Pictures.
Don't trust anyone who only posts one picture or no picture.  Or at least proceed with caution!  Yes, there are people who are in certain jobs whom need to not post their pictures, I get that.  They really should have another source they are comfortable with sharing...like Facebook!  Telling me you'll send me pictures if I'll give you my email or cell phone number....sorry, Charlie.

I did learn a lesson the hard way (no pun intended).  Someone decided to share his peacock with me without my asking. Skeptical it was really his.  If it was...well...I was not impressed.  He has been blocked. 

3) Meet in Public.
Guys of all age have one thing on their mind.  Maybe girls do as well.  Society today seems a little more promiscuous than I recall from my youth.  As independent as I am, I hope to be sought after.  Maybe even chased a little and made to feel wanted.  It seems that in today's world people don't have to try very hard to find someone who will go to bed.

4) Age.
Yes, it is just a number, but I am NOT interested in someone younger than me.  If you are under 30, definitely DO NOT contact me!  The flattery comes off as creepy.  I feel you might have mommy issues.  I don't want to take care of you!  Even if you are under 50, I'm probably not interested.  Someone my age has experienced the same world that I have.  They will have a past too.  I like that.  Our pasts make us richer souls.  We will have things to discuss.


I do have stories I could share, but not here.  Most of the men I chat with are kind, kind people.  I am looking for someone close to home.  Someone I can share my community with, hopefully this is his community too since I plan on staying put.  As a social person, I need my partner to be social as well.  I'm still learning who I am though and I am still new to this dating stuff.  I don't think people really go out any more.  I think so many people are looking for that person they used to have...just in a different form.  It might not be me they are looking for.  

I have moved forward.  I am NOT looking for the same person I had.  

My reminder this morning:    

I am working on being that magnet.

~Lisa Kroll