Honestly. He is. As I sit and ponder what words to type, his steel grey (yes, I know they are usually blue) eyes are piercing my subconscious.
I'm staring back.
He smiles. So do I. There is a little knowing smile on his face, mixed with a touch of mystic. Dang, he's cute for a youngster. I wonder what his wife thinks of him smiling at other ladies? Do I care? I do. If it's just a friendly smile, than I think it is...fine. But if it's more than that, ...drats. I'm not someone who can share.
I am finding out that I want more than just looking at that pretty face on the magazine. I am not that person who can separate her emotions from actions. I want to be feel the connection that being open with another human allows. Both physically and mentally. It's not possible for me to have relations with a person and not let my soul be exposed. But I know I haven't been single for that long. I'm not looking to get married again. I'm not even sure I know what I want, but I do know I want to be able to be honest and fully experience a relationship the way it should be experienced. I want to be ready, but my mind isn't there yet. The advice I get is go with the moment, have no expectations, just enjoy life. I am. But it's scary. Am I meant to be alone forever? I have plenty of friends. What I mean is, I really exposed myself once in a relationship and was bitten. Am I brave enough to be bitten twice?
If you are reading this and you are in a relationship, then think about this...how well does that person know you? And what do they know about you? What do you know about them? Do they know your bad habits and they are with you anyway? What kind of things do you talk about? Random things? Deep conversations? Things you've done together? All that is gone for me. My slate has been wiped clean. It's so scary starting over. I miss deep human contact. Yet, I remain guarded. Maybe that's my mistake.
Tonight's music: Ed Sheeran, from his EP FIVE, disc 1, 2, and 3.
Specifically these songs: Cold Coffee, Let it Out, Sofa, Where We Land, So and Be Like You