Living Without an 'I'm Sorry'...

Standing in line at the grocery store check out,  
you bump into the person in front of you.  
"Oops, I'm sorry." 

While driving...accidentally one car cuts off another. 
"I'm sorry"...is mouthed, with a smile and a wave.

Believing you are stating a fact, only to finding out you were wrong. 
"I'm sorry, you were right."  

*****

In moving forward, I find that I long for an apology that I know will never come.  

One side feels justified.  We grew apart he said.  

Bullshit.  I say.  

He discarded a family he helped create.  
He walked away from all responsibility.  
He stopped trying.  
It was always only about him.  Always.  

A part of me wants to be validated for being hurt, for being discarded.  Deep in my heart, I know if he did apologize it wouldn't be sincere.  He does not feel he did anything wrong.  
I am not even sure how he can really live with himself and the bullshit he dishes out daily. In life, we are taught to say, I'm sorry and listen to or accept apologies.  

I know I need to live without one in this case.  

I was told there would come a day when I would be thankful.  
A day, where I would realize I was happier.  
A day, I would realize exactly with what I had been living.  

Interesting.  

I think I'm there now.  

Life is not about needing to make sure others are happy.  We are each responsible for our own happiness.  It has taken me 51 years to understand this fact. (And yes, many, many friends who have told me this as well!)  I cannot be one's judge, or jury.  I can have my opinions, but I cannot be the judge.  I need to let go.  Trust in Karma.  Find my own happiness.  Live my life. 

I do not believe that people change.  I believe we are what we are.  I think there are people who try to make others happy thus not allowing their own selves to be seen, and those who pretend in life only allowing a certain image of themselves to show, or be seen.  But I do not believe that people change.  As a mother, I hated when my young children weren't happy.  As they aged, I know they needed to learn to comfort themselves, and take care of their own happiness.  I could not, nor can I live life for them.  So, maybe...maybe, I am guilty of trying to make life happy for my ex.  For that, I am truly sorry.  I suppose I might owe him an apology.  

My internal battle right now...how can I believe in love again?  My definition of love has been to care deeply for another and to put their desires above my own. I know that is flawed thinking.  I must learn to be more selfish!!!*  I am coming to the conclusion that I live in a very selfish society.  Or maybe that the men in our society, meaning dating pool, are selfish beings, and afraid of commitment.** Oh, I know I will anger many with that statement. Trust me, I do know many people that DO believe in commitment, and are happily honoring their wedding vows. But as a single woman in her fifties, I see men, again the ones in the dating pool, as wanting only one thing.  If I speak my mind, they tell me I am jaded, I'm angry, or I'm not over my ex.  Ha!  And society...you expect everyone to be in a relationship!   Such pressure.  How does one find love?  Have you thought about what your own definition of love is?  

I am looking for truths.  Can humans really love one another?  Not as in the love of a mother for her children.  There is something so bonding in a mother/child relationship.  Children may not see it until they have a child of their own, but a mother feels it.  Can a male and a female really love one another?  I'm not meaning to limit that question to only a male/female relationship, but I would enjoy a male in my life so that's what I wonder.  

I continue on my life journey to find myself; to discover who am I?   What is it that I like?  What makes me happy?  Relearning how to love me.  Am I meant to share my life with just one person? Maybe I'm supposed to surround myself with friendships only, and live without love.  Or more aptly put, live with a different sort of love.  I wish my idea of love was different.   I wish I wasn't so romantic in my thoughts.  I wish I didn't crave physical contact.  I wish I didn't have a conscious.  I wish I didn't care.  But I do...all of the above.  

Right now in life, I am finding that I enjoy dance.  I am learning to express myself through music.  Letting the rhythm fill my soul. Letting myself go.  I stepped out on a ledge, jumped into something new and guess what?  I safely landed in the arms of new friendships.  Who knew this could happen?  

New things in life can be precious.  

Lots of questions fill my thoughts when I slow down.  How can someone, who ended a 28 year marriage, live life acting as if all those years and that other person didn't/don't exist? He walked away, and he didn't even take a single picture of his family with him.  

I am sorry... that he doesn't know how to truly love.  
I can live without an apology. 

I am not sorry to be free now.  

Confession:  I sleep with two guys each night.
The love of a pet...or two.  Priceless.  

~Lisa Kroll, philosopher tonight.  

Music of the evening:  Straight No Chaser...all their pop stuff.  
Love Sucks, Use Me/Ain't No Sunshine, This is How a Heart Breaks, Marvin Gaye, Take Me to Church, Shut Up and Dance, Kiss From a Rose, Bless the Broken Road, etc.  

*sarcasm, in case I needed to point it out.  

**more questions:  Am I ready for a commitment? Working on that question too...no offers on the table though so I don't feel this is a pressing question.  

Open-Minded...

Agricola

Tonight I had blogging in my plans.  It is Saturday.  I didn't have a topic in mind, but a friend did suggest some "new" music to listen to; to inspire my thoughts.  I went to my blogging site, but I didn't blog.  Instead, I met a different friend and we played my Agricola game. Sharing time with another is really the best gift in life.  Getting to know an acquaintance on a deeper level allows one to strengthen that friendship.  

Friends and friendships are vital to our health.  I'm home now, and listening to that suggested music.  I am finding myself smiling, and happy.  Friends have a super power.  They can make you smile, all the way from the tips of your toes, without really trying or even meaning to at times. Even if they are just on your mind.  At least that's how it is for me.  I am thankful for my friends, old and new.  :) 

~Lisa Kroll

tonight's music:  A station created on Pandora, She & He inspired.  

Bond. James Bond. What Comes to Mind When You Say That?

007, Double O Seven
Secret Agent
Shpion: "Spy"
Commander
Mr. License-to-Kill
"Shaken, not stirred"

Labels, like a name, can stick.  They can define the character of a person.

Scanning through an old article in Psychology Today on Why It's Dangerous to Label People (May 2010), I noted:

"Categorical labeling is a tool that humans use to resolve the impossible complexity of the environments we grapple to perceive. Like so many human faculties, it's adaptive and miraculous, but it also contributes to some of the deepest problems that face our species." 

This article discusses why labeling people, particularly children, is a dangerous thing.  Future success can be inhibited by a label.  

Recently I was called out for referring to a person in my past as a Narcissist.  I was told that others might look at me and wonder how I would label them.  That's a fair statement.  Clearly this person does not know me or my past.  Personality disorders are real.  I do not label people.  At least I try very hard to not label.  Are professional diagnosis not to be believed?  As a teacher, I understand the damage a label may cause.  Near the end of the article, it states: 

"Labeling isn't always a cause for concern, and it's often very useful. It would be impossible to catalogue the information we process during our lives without the aid of labels like "friendly," "deceitful," "tasty," and "harmful." 

Semantics can be tricky, and limiting.  I am working on the descriptors I use.  I am trying to eliminate the word "just", as in "friends" versus "just friends" comments.  The latter is limiting. During a late night, post-pedicure, dinner and half a bottle of wine therapy session, I was advised to drop the "just" in my descriptions.  I was advised to just allow my life to happen and to see what develops.  

I was also told I do not need a$$holes in my life. Sage advice from a confident, young lady who chimed in on my therapy session. THAT reminded me of a recent episode of New Girl I watched.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm not a little like Jessica Day.  In the episode I watched, she was being coached by Schmidt on how to use a dating app called "Dice".  Turns out she was willing to suffer through chatting with dates who were clearly not right for her.  Jess ends up telling Schmidt she is looking for love, not just a hook up. Self sacrifice is not the way to find love...just my opinion.  Unlike Jess, I'm not ready and willing to possibly have my heart hurt again...not yet.  

My guard is still up.  That's probably a good thing.  Like James Bond, I'll survive.  
Unlike 007, I do not see myself being a lone wolf, I need friends.  I want to be willing to truly risk again.  Time is an amazing gift.  Starting with friends is a great way to start.  

~Lisa Kroll

Tonight's blogging music:  from my iTunes playlist entitled Bond. James Bond.  
Bond movie theme songs.