...random thoughts, opinions and secrets on children... aging... cooking... crafts... nature...divorce...second chances...
and whatever else I deem curious...
~Copyright 2017. Hootie~

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Living Without an 'I'm Sorry'...

Standing in line at the grocery store check out,  
you bump into the person in front of you.  
"Oops, I'm sorry." 

While driving...accidentally one car cuts off another. 
"I'm sorry"...is mouthed, with a smile and a wave.

Believing you are stating a fact, only to finding out you were wrong. 
"I'm sorry, you were right."  

*****
In moving forward, I find that I long for an apology that I know will never come.  

One side feels justified.  We grew apart he said.  

Bullshit.  I say.  

He discarded a family he helped create.  
He walked away from all responsibility.  
He stopped trying.  
It was always only about him.  Always.  

A part of me wants to be validated for being hurt, for being discarded.  Deep in my heart, I know if he did apologize it wouldn't be sincere.  He does not feel he did anything wrong.  
I am not even sure how he can really live with himself and the bullshit he dishes out daily. In life, we are taught to say, I'm sorry and listen to or accept apologies.  

I know I need to live without one in this case.  

I was told there would come a day when I would be thankful.  
A day, where I would realize I was happier.  
A day, I would realize exactly with what I had been living.  

Interesting.  

I think I'm there now.  

Life is not about needing to make sure others are happy.  We are each responsible for our own happiness.  It has taken me 51 years to understand this fact. (And yes, many, many friends who have told me this as well!)  I cannot be one's judge, or jury.  I can have my opinions, but I cannot be the judge.  I need to let go.  Trust in Karma.  Find my own happiness.  Live my life. 

I do not believe that people change.  I believe we are what we are.  I think there are people who try to make others happy thus not allowing their own selves to be seen, and those who pretend in life only allowing a certain image of themselves to show, or be seen.  But I do not believe that people change.  As a mother, I hated when my young children weren't happy.  As they aged, I know they needed to learn to comfort themselves, and take care of their own happiness.  I could not, nor can I live life for them.  So, maybe...maybe, I am guilty of trying to make life happy for my ex.  For that, I am truly sorry.  I suppose I might owe him an apology.  

My internal battle right now...how can I believe in love again?  My definition of love has been to care deeply for another and to put their desires above my own. I know that is flawed thinking.  I must learn to be more selfish!!!*  I am coming to the conclusion that I live in a very selfish society.  Or maybe that the men in our society, meaning dating pool, are selfish beings, and afraid of commitment.** Oh, I know I will anger many with that statement. Trust me, I do know many people that DO believe in commitment, and are happily honoring their wedding vows. But as a single woman in her fifties, I see men, again the ones in the dating pool, as wanting only one thing.  If I speak my mind, they tell me I am jaded, I'm angry, or I'm not over my ex.  Ha!  And society...you expect everyone to be in a relationship!   Such pressure.  How does one find love?  Have you thought about what your own definition of love is?  

I am looking for truths.  Can humans really love one another?  Not as in the love of a mother for her children.  There is something so bonding in a mother/child relationship.  Children may not see it until they have a child of their own, but a mother feels it.  Can a male and a female really love one another?  I'm not meaning to limit that question to only a male/female relationship, but I would enjoy a male in my life so that's what I wonder.  

I continue on my life journey to find myself; to discover who am I?   What is it that I like?  What makes me happy?  Relearning how to love me.  Am I meant to share my life with just one person? Maybe I'm supposed to surround myself with friendships only, and live without love.  Or more aptly put, live with a different sort of love.  I wish my idea of love was different.   I wish I wasn't so romantic in my thoughts.  I wish I didn't crave physical contact.  I wish I didn't have a conscious.  I wish I didn't care.  But I do...all of the above.  

Right now in life, I am finding that I enjoy dance.  I am learning to express myself through music.  Letting the rhythm fill my soul. Letting myself go.  I stepped out on a ledge, jumped into something new and guess what?  I safely landed in the arms of new friendships.  Who knew this could happen?  

New things in life can be precious.  

Lots of questions fill my thoughts when I slow down.  How can someone, who ended a 28 year marriage, live life acting as if all those years and that other person didn't/don't exist? He walked away, and he didn't even take a single picture of his family with him.  

I am sorry... that he doesn't know how to truly love.  
I can live without an apology. 

I am not sorry to be free now.  
Confession:  I sleep with two guys each night.
The love of a pet...or two.  Priceless.  
~Lisa Kroll, philosopher tonight.  

Music of the evening:  Straight No Chaser...all their pop stuff.  
Love Sucks, Use Me/Ain't No Sunshine, This is How a Heart Breaks, Marvin Gaye, Take Me to Church, Shut Up and Dance, Kiss From a Rose, Bless the Broken Road, etc.  

*sarcasm, in case I needed to point it out.  

**more questions:  Am I ready for a commitment? Working on that question too...no offers on the table though so I don't feel this is a pressing question.  









3 comments:

phil said...

Hang in there. Trust your friends, and your instincts. Good luck.

Julie said...

Once again you have moved my heart and spirit and brought some questions to my thoughts......karma, yes I believe in that........one never really changes they just rediscover themselves........hope that she will..........and how all your friends and family knew but it had to be your own time.........how did they get through it waiting for you to take ownership and return to who you were meant to be? Loved reading this and so very happy for you. Continued thoughts and prayers and thank you for touching me with your thoughts and words. I feel blessed to have the additional insight. I also believe the amazing guidance of our God. Seems when I am about to totally give up on her things, such as your post, cross my path. Prayers and many blessings!

Hootie said...

Julie,

Please don't ever give up! She is going to need you, but you know that. From my view, it is hard to think people knew and they didn't say anything. Except, they knew how much I loved him. I know now that they felt if I loved him, then that was enough for them to turn a blind eye. They respected my decisions. Unfortunately, In the fallout I've felt the fool. How could I not have see it? I'm coming to terms with knowing it's okay. I loved. I am capable of giving love! Narcissist cannot truly love. They are insecure and they must control and belittle others, be lifted up onto an imaginary pedestal of superiority, and project their insecurities. Your girl must be a compassionate soul. Compassionate souls can love and care for others. They want to believe the best is those they love. I never lost my connections to my family, but those connections were more distant than they should have been. In the end, my family love (love and emotional support from them) was the strength I needed to move forward. You know I am ALWAYS here for you my friend.

Lisa