purging and a trip

Why do we buy trinkets? Once we are gone will others understand their emotional value? Whose job is it to toss away memories? Why do we hold on to items from our past? How do we remember without needing something tangible? How can others understand us without that tangible item?

Two weekends ago I went to San Diego for a much needed break from life. My sister-in-law had a conference and invited me to share her hotel room and free-time. I had two days alone to explore. What a wonderful treat. I live my life always thinking of others: what will we eat, what will we wear, are things clean, what needs to be done when, do we have the money, when will we go to bed...life as a mom. This trip I was able to just focus on me. I ate what I wanted. I went where I wanted. I thought of no one else. What an amazing experiment. I actually can think of only me!

I spent two days not even once wondering what others would think or how would they react. I went to a Maritime Museum. Very cool. I asked questions I was curious about. I looked at things I wanted to see. I did however miss my family. My son would have LOVED the ships. Especially the HMS Surprise. I went to a mission. I walked around in its peace and serenity. I prayed for my mom, dad and step-dad. I thought about the people who walked there long before me. What wonderful deeds did they do? How kind were they to others? In the past I bet this was a place filled with people who thought not of themselves. I payed silent tribute to them. I felt very welcomed there. I went to Point Loma, the actual point. I saw the lighthouse and statue of Cabrillo, the first person to land on what we know as San Diego. I saw the SS Reagan leaving port, full of our service men (and women?)heading into duty. Sisters, brothers and parents on the clifty shore with me. Lots of pride all around. I also saw whales spouting. It is whale migration time and the rangers and folks around me said the blasts of water we saw were whales. I won't argue. I think they were whales too.

During my time away from my family I kept looking at gift shops. I kept thinking I should take something home for each family member who was important to me. They should know I was thinking of them while I was away. But, would these trinkets mean anything to them? Should I spend the money? Would they like what I bought? Would these items be looked at once and then put into a drawer and forgotten? What about anything I might buy myself? Would anyone know its importance to me in five years? Two months? or even in two days? Why did I feel compelled to buy something? Look at my mom's house. It's a place full of things long forgotten that now my siblings and I get to sift through and pitch. Would the right person happen upon the right item and know, or recall its importance? So many stories.

In the end, I did buy gifts for all. Note cards for my mother-in-law, chocolates for my father-in-law. Hot chocolate mix for my husband, a shirt with the HMS Surprise on it for my son, as well as some unique Lego's, a smashed penny and a key chain. For my daughter: a pen with ships that float from one end to the other in it, a bracelet, Lego's, a smashed penny and a key chain too. Little things. For me, a silver and mother of peril turtle necklace. Lots of photos and a memory stuffed full of sunshine, warmth and new desires.

I want to spend more time in my life enjoying me. It's hard for me being a mom and separating myself from my "job". Others need to see me too, not just me the mom. Going north to help clean out the house allows me to see my mom, step-dad and dad as the people who made up them. Not them as their job-selves. Does that make sense? I think we buy trinkets not only to think of others, but to allow those in our future to be able to decipher who we really were.

...trash...

So last weekend I met my siblings. We actually all acted like adults, go figure!

No tears, no anger, no yelling, no sadness...well, not much sadness. It is pretty sad to look through your parents things. It's kind of the kind of thing you wish you COULD do while they were still alive. We do have questions we wish we could have answered. Like, what ring did a guy name David buy our mom BEFORE she met dad? Forever to be unanswered I guess. Also, why did they keep certain things? Were they sentimental? And if so, what's their story?

This weekend we are taking our whole families north and have rented a trash bin. It really is time to get rid of a few things. Our mom and step-dad were pack rats. No doubt about that. This weekend we will get a chance to see how far the apples fall from the trees. Can we all still agree about what is trash?

I guess we will see.

Control

Tonight my siblings and I will meet at the old house. We need to discuss our plans on dispersing with the memories there. Both physical and emotional memories will need to be gone through.

Three children. Three sets of emotions. Three different ways of doing things. One roof.

I wonder if we will cry, argue and or hold grudges. I wonder how we can get through this. How do we physically get rid of things and how do we emotionally get rid of things? How do we get through this and not have hard feelings and still love one another? Or do we lose those relationships in the end? What will prevail and what really matters in the end? Our parents created the three of us, but did they ever think we'd be there for each other later in life? Does any parent ever think about this part of parenting? I haven't. Do I care if once I am gone if my kids love one another or stay in touch? Honestly, I think it's not my concern. I really only care if they love me and are good human beings. That seems selfish but honest. Maybe my emotions are just jaded right now.

It will be interesting to see what this weekend brings.

Looking for Joy

Depression is around me now. I feel abandoned. Yes, I have my husband and kids, but I feel like that's it. At times I feel blase about life. Who cares? Why do anything? It doesn't really matter in the end. And then at times I see the beauty and wonder in the little things...birds singing, gorgeous sunrises, the constellations.

I thought having 2006 end would help things. Maybe I need more of 2007 to go by to see the difference. I know I need to give things time. I really need to be able to laugh again and know it's okay to laugh. There are those constant thoughts in the back of my brain that I am alive and my parents aren't.

I need balance. This is normal. I know it is. Things will be fine, in time.

Eulogy...

spoken on November 27, 2006 at St. Elizabeth Ann Seton Church...by Lisa

28 more days until Christmas
34 more days until it's 2007

What a year this has been for our family.

On April 26th mom went into the hospital...by the 28th we knew she had a brain tumor...on May 1st, surgery which was followed by 42 days of radiation and chemotherapy.

On Sept. 17th, Art went into the hospital and on October 22nd he passed away - Larry, Eileen and myself were at his side.

On Sept. 27th mom got the news that her cancer was back and she didn't have much time left.

My mom's favorite holiday was Christmas. Everything about Christmas this year will surely remind us of her.

28 more days until Christmas.
34 more days until it's 2007.

Growing up with my mom and dad I lived in a household of love. My parents laughed, played games with us, took Larry and I on adventures - camping vacations!...they yelled, cried, all the "normal" things families do. We ate dinner together every night. It seemed like when we first moved into Four Seasons our power went out a lot on Friday nights. That was our Euchure night...Larry and Mom against Dad and me.

Our camping adventures are too numerous to mention all of them, but they did take us to Yellowstone, Niagra Falls, Mt. Rushmore and Disney World.

Mom was Dad's everything - his love of his life.
Dad was Mom's Prince Charming. Their romance is what I always wanted to grow up and have someday.

My mom was the mom everyone could count on. Anything Larry and I did, she was one of the parents involved. Mom was the one who would host the Halloween parties for all the cousins. She was always thinking of others. I recall her working full-time yet still having projects to do for more than one organization. All my friends knew if they needed and ear, they could count on my mom. She would always listen. Mom wasan accomplice too. Once one of my boyfriends "gang" of friends took all the rakes and flags from the Four Seasons golf course and showed up at our front door. Security was after them! After making the guys put the rakes and flags back - which I am sure was just in one place - my mom drove the "get-away" truck with 8 to 10 guys in the back.

In the Fall of 1979 my parents sat Larry and I down at the kitchen table. My parents told me they were going to have a job for me the next summer. 'You know that baby you were always praying for us to have, Lisa?' they said. 'Well, we're going to have it next May.' I was 15 when they told me. Larry was 13. He asked when they "did it". Dad said, "we don't know exactly." And Larry said, "you mean you did it more than once?" In the end it was decided that Eileen must have been a band camp baby. That was the only time Larry and I were gone from the house.

In June of 1985 mom's world shattered. Life changed. It took a long time for mom to bounce back. Both Larry and I were in college and Eileen was only 5. I realized much later in my life how depressed my mom was.

When Art entered our lives he was not our dad. But he did offer us a special gift - he brought mom back to life. I did witness Art's love to my mom. He worshipped her...she was his everything.

I am so glad she was able to find love twice in her life. She deserved it. I know my dad would like Art. He wasn't the same as my dad, but he loved my mom with his whole heart, just like my dad.

I would like to end with a poem Eileen and I found about cancer, which I realize I have learned this year...

What Cancer Cannot Do ..............author unknown

Cancer is so limited.

It cannot
cripple LOVE
It cannot
shatter HOPE
It cannot
corrode FAITH
It cannot
destroy PEACE
It cannot
kill FREINDSHIP
It cannot
suppress MEMORIES
It cannot
silence COURAGE
It cannot
invade the SOUL
It cannot
steal eternal LIFE
It cannot
conquer the SPIRIT

in honor of my mom, Patricia T. (Simonetto) Scubelek O'Connor

Patricia Terese Scubelek (Simonetto) O'Connor

PATRICIA TERESE SCUBELEK O'CONNOR (nee SIMONETTO) "Penny" Crown Point, Indiana Age 64, passed away at her home on Wednesday, November 22, 2006, after a courageous battle with brain cancer.

Born on Feb. 23, 1942, in Gary, IN, she moved with her family to Mansfield, Ohio, and Monroeville, Pennsylvania, and later returned to Lake County. After first attending Penn Hills High School and graduating from Gateway High School in Western Pennsylvania, she immediately enrolled in an airlines school in St. Paul, MN, with the aspiration of beginning a career as a flight attendant. Due to her youthful age of 18 years upon completing the course, Patricia initially began as a Teletype operator for Pan-American Airlines, based in San Francisco, CA. Despite making a home for herself in Burlingame, CA, she missed her family and eventually returned to the Gary area.

It was during her employment with Montgomery Ward Co. at the Village Shopping Center when she met her first husband, Anthony L. Scubelek. They were married March 3, 1962, and settled in the Miller section of Gary. Patricia decided to change careers, and accepted a position in the medical field in the office of her brother-in-law, Dr. John G. Gallinati. Upon relocating to Lakes of the Four Seasons in 1975, she held the position for 20 years as office manager for Dr. Jiorj Thephasdin of Merrillville. She retired in 2004 after working several years at the office of Dr. Keith Gingerich.

During her entire lifetime, she was actively involved in many organizations in support of her children's activities, including Girl Scout leader in Miller, Boone Grove P.T.O. member & band booster, 4-H leader and youth group leader at St. Elizabeth Ann Seton Church. In addition, she was active as a eucharistic minister at St. Elizabeth Ann Seton, the Lakes of Four Seasons Conservation Club, Volunteer Fire Department and Ladies Fire Auxiliary. In her leadership role, Patricia held many key offices in each of these organizations, including the organization of the Fire Auxiliary fashion show. For the past 25 years, she was responsible for organizing the LOFS telephone directory. From the early years, she was an important member of the LOFS Fire Department - as it was one the area's initial first emergency medical responders. She taught CPR to countless community members. Also, a member of the Indiana State Medical Assistants Association, of which she was honored as "Medical Assistant of the Year" in the late 1970s.

Patricia was an award-winning quilter, and member of Heritage Quilting Society. She was actively involved with her local Red Hat Society Chapter, and truly enjoyed the bi-monthly meetings and get-togethers. Her other favorite hobbies included ceramics, sewing, as well as flower gardening, caring for her cats, and spoiling her grandchildren.

Anthony Lawrence Scubelek, her husband of 23 years, preceded her in death in 1985; along with Arthur H. O'Connor, her second husband of 19 years; father, John Ambrose Simonetto, and sister, Carol Simonetto. Patricia is survived by her 3 children of her first marriage, Lisa (Chris) Kroll of Bloomington, Larry (Amy) Scubelek of Fishers, IN, and Eileen (Michael) Dimino of South Bend; 5 grandchildren, Stephen and Michelle Kroll, Nicholas and Jordan Scubelek, and Jacob Dimino; dearest mother, Teresa (nee Cassidy) Simonetto of Hebron; siblings, Joe (Tam) Simonetto of Munster, Pam (Bob) Pampe of Winchester, VA, Michael (Theresa) Simonetto of Roswell, GA, John (Charlene) Simonetto of Marysville, TN; also, survived by 3 nephews and 1 niece, Kemp and Jarrod Simonetto and Ryan and Erin Pampe.

Funeral Mass of Christian Burial will be held on Monday, November 27, 2006, at 10:00 a.m. Directly at St. Elizabeth Ann Seton Church, 509 W. Division Street, Valparaiso, with Rev. David Gosnell, officiating. She will lie in state from 9:30 a.m. till time of service. Interment, Graceland Cemetery. Arrangements were completed by Savich & Semplinski Funeral Directors. Visitation will be Sunday from 2 - 8 p.m. at Burns Funeral Home, 10101 Broadway, Crown Point. In lieu of flowers, memorials may be donated to L.O.F.S. Fire Department.

Published in the Post-Tribune from 11/25/2006 - 11/26/2006.

Digging in the dirt...

Three children. That means it can be two against one. Who is the swing vote/decesion maker?

I think that role falls to me.

It will be time to stir things up and get my mom's house cleaned out. We will need to decide who gets what, etc. Money will become the focal point.

There are all ready problems with the third born, who lives the closest in proximity, being the only one who has a key to the house. She seems to feel she is more deserving of "stuff" than the other two. At least that is the second borns opinion. I tend to see his point. But I see her point too in that #2 in the past has been untrustworthy. Do I think he has changed? He does seem overly religious. Maybe he's paying for his past sins.

#1 - me - the pleaser
#2 - has always felt he's being cheated out of everything
#3 - the spoiled, late-in-life, baby: has never suffered - EVER, received everything she's ever wanted

How will this all play out?

Time will tell...