With the Christian celebration of Easter having just happened, I find this posting to be very appropriate.
Death has affected how I practice my religion.
Honestly, I don't really know what religion I am anymore.
I was raised as a Catholic. When I went off to college I questioned a lot about my faith. Mostly I questioned birth control and the church's take on it. Not because I wanted to have carefree sex, instead I wanted to be a responsible person and only have so many children. I went and talked face-to-face with my college parish priest. He told me what the church doctrine was...stuff I all ready knew...and then he said I needed to do what was right for me. Taking my Catholic upbringing to heart I felt torn. I would be living as a sinner because I choose to use birth control. It was easy to turn away from the church shortly after that when my dad died suddenly. My next questions were about how a loving god could hurt people so much. I had no idea what emotional pain really was yet.
Several years later I did join a new church. I lived in a different town and had a young son and another baby on the way. My husband and I migrated towards the faith he grew up in. It was a Christian church and I felt welcomed into it's fold. I felt inspired every Sunday. I had found a part of myself that had been missing for too long. When we moved again, I thought finding another new church would be an easy task. Fort Wayne, IN has been called The City of Churches, but after trying 15+ churches of 30 I thought might work, I felt more frustrated than ever. In the end we just attended the church where the kids went to pre-school. It was the easiest thing. Not the best reason for going to a church. No inspiration, no connection, easy to leave when our next move happened.
The church I am currently a member of is where my husband went as a youth, and my in-laws are still very active members. We moved back to town and a week and a half later we joined the church. The minister told me he was surprised we hadn't joined the week before! No choice in where we went now!
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Fast forward about eight years. I had been feeling very uninspired at church and then my mom got sick. I did find comfort in my ministers. They are caring souls. The church as a whole just doesn't do anything for me anymore. Towards the end of my mom's life I did have several 'God is Here' moments. I TOTALLY do believe in God. I believe in spirits, angels and fate.
I am just not positive I believe in church, or even just one god anymore.
I have been reading a lot about how the bible came to be. Stuff written by historians and I think I am so skeptical anymore. Too skeptical maybe.
On Easter, I took a nice long walk in the woods and definitely saw God's good all around me. At dinner that night I shared a meal with family and six international students, away from their families and from several faiths. I try to be thoughtful, kind and considerate in all I do and raise my children to do the same.
I have so many more thoughts on this subject matter, but I think I have gone on enough for one day.